What am I doing wrong?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
What am I doing wrong?
Hi everyone, it's been a long time since I've last posted. I need advice - I'm still really hurting and I read everyday on here how to get better yet things are not better for me.
I've gone no contact for about 4 months (even though he is sober) because he is happy and has moved on in his life and I want to be able to do the same. I've joined a church group and go out with friends from work, but I am still lonely, miss him and wish I was back in the relationship. It is so frustrating!
I am currently going to therapy and spottily have gone to ACOA and Alanon. The reason for the spottiness is that my work schedule is very grueling, I have a commute so I only get to meetings when I can.
I want to change jobs but don't as I just need some stability in one part of my life.
Both kids are gone to college and thankfully seem happy.
Help! How can I find joy and happiness? I am consistently practicing gratefulness everyday.
I've gone no contact for about 4 months (even though he is sober) because he is happy and has moved on in his life and I want to be able to do the same. I've joined a church group and go out with friends from work, but I am still lonely, miss him and wish I was back in the relationship. It is so frustrating!
I am currently going to therapy and spottily have gone to ACOA and Alanon. The reason for the spottiness is that my work schedule is very grueling, I have a commute so I only get to meetings when I can.
I want to change jobs but don't as I just need some stability in one part of my life.
Both kids are gone to college and thankfully seem happy.
Help! How can I find joy and happiness? I am consistently practicing gratefulness everyday.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Flavia....four months is still rather early on.....
I don't know your other issues, but, surely, you are in the grieving process. It takes it's own time...and, sadness is one of the many different kinds of emotion that one can feel, during this time...especially, since you did not want the divorce.
When one is mourning one loss, all of the other life losses that were, maybe, not completely grieved, can come up to the surface....bubbling up....
It can be like one ball of combined grief, and, yet, one may not even be aware that this is going on.....
I don't know if this applies to you....I am just saying that this can happen....
I had a broken relationship once, and it took me about a year for it to feel like past history, rather that white hot present pain.....
Do you not feel joy at any times?
Do you think it is possible to have a low level depression? Not enough to incompacitate...but, just enough to make the colors of your life feel dull...?
I have heard it explained that the difference between grief and depression is this....Grief is made of overwhelming, intense, painful feelings....whereas, depression is a dull feeling of a lack of emotion....lol...like one is too much, and the other is too little....
I guess that all of this is the kind of stuff to be addressed with your therapist....
I do think that your efforts to re-engage with others is excellent....and, it does take a little time to develop close relationships with other people....
ACOA and alanon are good ideas, too! Especially, given the issues with your mother.....
By this time, next year, your life and outlook may be very different....
I don't know your other issues, but, surely, you are in the grieving process. It takes it's own time...and, sadness is one of the many different kinds of emotion that one can feel, during this time...especially, since you did not want the divorce.
When one is mourning one loss, all of the other life losses that were, maybe, not completely grieved, can come up to the surface....bubbling up....
It can be like one ball of combined grief, and, yet, one may not even be aware that this is going on.....
I don't know if this applies to you....I am just saying that this can happen....
I had a broken relationship once, and it took me about a year for it to feel like past history, rather that white hot present pain.....
Do you not feel joy at any times?
Do you think it is possible to have a low level depression? Not enough to incompacitate...but, just enough to make the colors of your life feel dull...?
I have heard it explained that the difference between grief and depression is this....Grief is made of overwhelming, intense, painful feelings....whereas, depression is a dull feeling of a lack of emotion....lol...like one is too much, and the other is too little....
I guess that all of this is the kind of stuff to be addressed with your therapist....
I do think that your efforts to re-engage with others is excellent....and, it does take a little time to develop close relationships with other people....
ACOA and alanon are good ideas, too! Especially, given the issues with your mother.....
By this time, next year, your life and outlook may be very different....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
F,
His life is not as rosie as you think. Go to the new to recovery and see the struggles these men and women battle every day to stay sober. This is year after year, it just doesn't turn off after a month or two of sobriety. They struggle mentally and physically from the drug and alcohol abuse to their system. Plus who really knows if he is telling the truth and is sober, do you actually believe him after a relationship of lies? Does it really matter how wonderful he is doing ? He is probably saying the same thing about you, how great you are doing.
So what can you do for you? I always find when I am depressed, to give back, and volunteer. I then see how there is so many people who are so much worse then me. With your crazy work schedule I think you might need to do some self care and get more sleep, another trigger for depression. Get out and exercise and try one day at a time to eat healthier and drink lots of water. These are all slow and gradual changes that we can make to improve ourselves. It does take time, just like an addict, it is not over night. Hugs my friend, own it and move forward.
His life is not as rosie as you think. Go to the new to recovery and see the struggles these men and women battle every day to stay sober. This is year after year, it just doesn't turn off after a month or two of sobriety. They struggle mentally and physically from the drug and alcohol abuse to their system. Plus who really knows if he is telling the truth and is sober, do you actually believe him after a relationship of lies? Does it really matter how wonderful he is doing ? He is probably saying the same thing about you, how great you are doing.
So what can you do for you? I always find when I am depressed, to give back, and volunteer. I then see how there is so many people who are so much worse then me. With your crazy work schedule I think you might need to do some self care and get more sleep, another trigger for depression. Get out and exercise and try one day at a time to eat healthier and drink lots of water. These are all slow and gradual changes that we can make to improve ourselves. It does take time, just like an addict, it is not over night. Hugs my friend, own it and move forward.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I am sorry you are struggling. Someone on here gave me a wonderful nugget of wisdom: "feeling uncomfortable is the sign that true change is taking place, its not supposed to be easy so lean into it". No words could be truer, your ex may look happy but its only fleeting if change hasn't taken place. Lean into your feelings but don't drown in them and just know there are secret gifts in there for you. Wishing you all the peace in the world.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I, also, don't think that people make changes from a position of comfort...especially, big changes.
Here's a slightly different spin on pain and change:
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
4 months is still early in this process but what you describe reminded me about The In-Between Place that we rarely remember to make room for:
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The in Between Place)
From The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The in Between Place)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
but I am still lonely, miss him and wish I was back in the relationship. It is so frustrating!
and spottily have gone to ACOA and Alanon.
and spottily have gone to ACOA and Alanon.
Not
Utilizing
The
Steps
4 months is not a long time but if you feel stuck, it’s time to change something up and that change should be you and your making yourself better.
I certainly do not imply that you are nuts, its just an acronym!! You have to make time for yourself for healing, sure it’s nice to get out with friends and not really have to deal with the hard issues we face about ourselves but until we do we stay stuck or until another toxic relationship comes our way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Thank you all for such great advice. Just got home from the commute and cooked my dog a burger. he felt so skinny when I petted him !
I think I might move, rent an apartment. The responses mean so much, thank you again!
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
I think I might move, rent an apartment. The responses mean so much, thank you again!
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi flavia
I'm going to give a more philosophical type answer.
To me, happiness is part of the journey and not a destination.
It's making the small things part of my day that bring me closer to happiness or happy. A good cup of Joe. A funny part of a movie. A good book. The moment of getting home early from work. A extra hour sleep in the morning. A good plate of food. A sunny spot with a view. Little things to add to my happy budget to make the average for my day.
To me happiness is part of the rhythm of life meaning is comes and goes. Just like bad days. Just like seasons in nature or tides or day and night.
So it might be a sad season or slow season but it's not a permanent one.
And what helps me is also to really embrace the good moments. They are not many but they count when they happen.
And it took me many miserable, anxious, directionless years to work through - to be able to have the contentment in myself to enjoy the little things.
I understand this not for everyone but it works for me.
I'm going to give a more philosophical type answer.
To me, happiness is part of the journey and not a destination.
It's making the small things part of my day that bring me closer to happiness or happy. A good cup of Joe. A funny part of a movie. A good book. The moment of getting home early from work. A extra hour sleep in the morning. A good plate of food. A sunny spot with a view. Little things to add to my happy budget to make the average for my day.
To me happiness is part of the rhythm of life meaning is comes and goes. Just like bad days. Just like seasons in nature or tides or day and night.
So it might be a sad season or slow season but it's not a permanent one.
And what helps me is also to really embrace the good moments. They are not many but they count when they happen.
And it took me many miserable, anxious, directionless years to work through - to be able to have the contentment in myself to enjoy the little things.
I understand this not for everyone but it works for me.
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