New here, struggling with breakup of ex who was alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 11
New here, struggling with breakup of ex who was alcoholic
Hello,
I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing. I am very numb and confused, lost is a good word. Hence my user name.
My alcoholic boyfriend/fiancé of combined 2.5 years just up and left me, for no apparent reason. I suspect another woman, like the first time. Yep. I've allowed this to happen twice. He tells me I am a bully, and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I am a lot of things, but bully is not one of them, but I'm finding myself questioning that. How and when did I? Are you sure? Why did you do that, and so on. I can't give an explanation for it, because I don't see how I ever bullied him. He did however bully me in ways my doctor would call or describe to me as emotional and mental abuse. He never became physically abusive, but he did raise his hand to me as a threat on more than one occasion.
I can't begin to explain the hurt and pain I'm feeling over this loss. It doesn't make sense to me. We do not share a child together, and we never fully lived together, but he wanted desperately to move in with my child and I. He stayed here a lot, but I never made the full commitment to fully move him and his child in. I was afraid. Yet, at the same time. I wanted him here, but something inside told me I shouldn't. I think it was the fear of subjecting my own child to the outbursts and what I'd call insanity.
I was there for him like no other. I almost feel in a way, I was there more for him than my own self. When he left me a year ago (this exact time of year) for another woman, I told myself never again. It hurt me so bad. Well, he came to me late this winter, early spring after I finally healed from that pain, and he was suicidal, he wanted treatment, he begged me to come back to him. I told him, no. I simply can't deal with the pain anymore you hurt me like nothing else. He finally had his ex wife, Mom, Dad and Siblings calling me. They were all pleading with me, he finally has admitted to help, but he needs you and won't do it with out you. He was calling me talking of taking his life. It was terrible and very stressful for me.
I finally agreed to help. Biggest mistake ever. Yes, he quit. He did fine, but he was definitely a dry drunk. Still acted the same way. Well... as far as I knew anyway he was sober for 2-3 months. He started drinking again, probably more now than he used to. Of course at this point, I'm back in love with the man. I accepted his drinking, he told me he would choose alcohol over me, and what did I say? Ok.
So, after all of this, he finally leaves me for another woman, and his family that begged me to help, and I did. Where are they now? Encouraging him to stay away from me. He told them I'm the reason he started drinking again, plus a large amount of very hurtful untrue things.
I am completely at a loss and I can't stop crying. Why do I grieve over this man? Why?
I'm supposed to go to an Al Anon meeting tonight (first timer) and I called the guy crying like a baby telling him I'm afraid to come. So now, I'm embarrassed to go.
Please help. I feel so alone, and probably bc I am. I've alienated everyone.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing. I am very numb and confused, lost is a good word. Hence my user name.
My alcoholic boyfriend/fiancé of combined 2.5 years just up and left me, for no apparent reason. I suspect another woman, like the first time. Yep. I've allowed this to happen twice. He tells me I am a bully, and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I am a lot of things, but bully is not one of them, but I'm finding myself questioning that. How and when did I? Are you sure? Why did you do that, and so on. I can't give an explanation for it, because I don't see how I ever bullied him. He did however bully me in ways my doctor would call or describe to me as emotional and mental abuse. He never became physically abusive, but he did raise his hand to me as a threat on more than one occasion.
I can't begin to explain the hurt and pain I'm feeling over this loss. It doesn't make sense to me. We do not share a child together, and we never fully lived together, but he wanted desperately to move in with my child and I. He stayed here a lot, but I never made the full commitment to fully move him and his child in. I was afraid. Yet, at the same time. I wanted him here, but something inside told me I shouldn't. I think it was the fear of subjecting my own child to the outbursts and what I'd call insanity.
I was there for him like no other. I almost feel in a way, I was there more for him than my own self. When he left me a year ago (this exact time of year) for another woman, I told myself never again. It hurt me so bad. Well, he came to me late this winter, early spring after I finally healed from that pain, and he was suicidal, he wanted treatment, he begged me to come back to him. I told him, no. I simply can't deal with the pain anymore you hurt me like nothing else. He finally had his ex wife, Mom, Dad and Siblings calling me. They were all pleading with me, he finally has admitted to help, but he needs you and won't do it with out you. He was calling me talking of taking his life. It was terrible and very stressful for me.
I finally agreed to help. Biggest mistake ever. Yes, he quit. He did fine, but he was definitely a dry drunk. Still acted the same way. Well... as far as I knew anyway he was sober for 2-3 months. He started drinking again, probably more now than he used to. Of course at this point, I'm back in love with the man. I accepted his drinking, he told me he would choose alcohol over me, and what did I say? Ok.
So, after all of this, he finally leaves me for another woman, and his family that begged me to help, and I did. Where are they now? Encouraging him to stay away from me. He told them I'm the reason he started drinking again, plus a large amount of very hurtful untrue things.
I am completely at a loss and I can't stop crying. Why do I grieve over this man? Why?
I'm supposed to go to an Al Anon meeting tonight (first timer) and I called the guy crying like a baby telling him I'm afraid to come. So now, I'm embarrassed to go.
Please help. I feel so alone, and probably bc I am. I've alienated everyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Don't be afraid to go to the meeting,even though I myself know it's very hard walking through those doors the first time. My active exagf was controlling,manipulative and has tried to drag my name through the mud to anyone that'll listen,but I don't care anymore. I've learned through meetings and some serious self reflection that I can't control her. I can't control what others choose to think is 'true'..I'm a "3 sides to every story" type of guy,but others not so much..That's not my problem. I keep my side of the 'street' clean and now let others worry about theirs..it's quite freeing.
In time you'll get over him. Right now you're just raw and hurting. I hope you do go to that meeting. Might be just the support you need. 
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
You are not a bully...if you were you never would have let him come back, not for two seconds. They just throw insults randomly and see what sticks.
Good for you in staying true to your instincts and not letting him move in with you. And shame on his family for their manipulation...but maybe they just don’t know any better.
But you do. Stay strong. You’re a smart, capable person and you will get through this.
Sending you another hug.
You are not a bully...if you were you never would have let him come back, not for two seconds. They just throw insults randomly and see what sticks.
Good for you in staying true to your instincts and not letting him move in with you. And shame on his family for their manipulation...but maybe they just don’t know any better.
But you do. Stay strong. You’re a smart, capable person and you will get through this.
Sending you another hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 11
Thank you all so much for reading my drama. It's awful. I'm like the one person who will bend over backwards to make sure their is none, and then this happens.
I went to the meeting, my heart pounded the entire way there. I think they were mini panic attacks. I enjoyed the meeting my issue is, "my alcoholic" is no longer in my life. He left. Will going to this just remind me of him? Can I move on talking of dealing with someone who is a mean drunk?
I do go to independent counseling with 2 therapists- it works best for me to see a man & a woman. This way, I get a mans view and a woman's understanding as well. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it helps me. But I only see them so often for an hour.
I don't understand the pain and hurt. It seems from my brain side he did me a favor. I don't deserve that. Does the hurt go away, or am I now a constant prisoner to this?
I went to the meeting, my heart pounded the entire way there. I think they were mini panic attacks. I enjoyed the meeting my issue is, "my alcoholic" is no longer in my life. He left. Will going to this just remind me of him? Can I move on talking of dealing with someone who is a mean drunk?
I do go to independent counseling with 2 therapists- it works best for me to see a man & a woman. This way, I get a mans view and a woman's understanding as well. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it helps me. But I only see them so often for an hour.
I don't understand the pain and hurt. It seems from my brain side he did me a favor. I don't deserve that. Does the hurt go away, or am I now a constant prisoner to this?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Reading your post (in particular ' I was there for him like no other. I almost feel in a way, I was there more for him than my own self.' And 'I'm like the one person who will bend over backwards') I wonder if perhaps it might be worth investigating the issue of codependency, and seeing if there are any CoDa meetings in your area. That way the focus is on you and how you deal with relationships and life generally rather than the one specific person. I found meetings pretty difficult to get to, but their handbook was a massive eye-opener for me.
You know, when dealing with an active alcoholic you really are on a highroad to nowhere trying to look for sanity and logic in their actions. Impulsive, childish, dishonest, selfish, manipulative, irrational... any of these things you will find in abundance. An active alcoholic is not likely to be emotionally present. Any words or actions that are directed at their drinking are likely to be met with a battle-like venom.
It doesn't sound like he's ready to quit - so likelihood is, much as it hurts right now you got sent what you need even if it isn't what you want, which is to dodge that bullet!!
Take care.
BB
You know, when dealing with an active alcoholic you really are on a highroad to nowhere trying to look for sanity and logic in their actions. Impulsive, childish, dishonest, selfish, manipulative, irrational... any of these things you will find in abundance. An active alcoholic is not likely to be emotionally present. Any words or actions that are directed at their drinking are likely to be met with a battle-like venom.
It doesn't sound like he's ready to quit - so likelihood is, much as it hurts right now you got sent what you need even if it isn't what you want, which is to dodge that bullet!!
Take care.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 11
Hi Everyone,
Sorry I've been gone for a bit, thank you for continuing contact and checking back.
As for how I'm doing. I feel like I'm just making the actions to get through the day, no real healing has taken place. As I mentioned I'm basically alone right now. My family and few friends I managed to keep around, don't know I was ever back with him. So, I simply can't go to them for support. I have no one, and that is very scary or frightening.
I never should've gone back to him. I knew better and I did it anyway. That's what upsets me the most. His manipulative ways of calling me threatening suicide, crying, promising rehab, the words and actions he was telling me, all of that and I finally sat there and listened and believed he meant all he said. I fell in love again.
I loved him, but I hated him if that makes sense. I loved who he could be. However, I hated who he became and who he was from Noon on everyday. He'd pass out, he was never there for me emotionally, physically or even sexually. Yet, I dealt with all this.
Now he's with someone else and I'm alone.
Sorry I've been gone for a bit, thank you for continuing contact and checking back.
As for how I'm doing. I feel like I'm just making the actions to get through the day, no real healing has taken place. As I mentioned I'm basically alone right now. My family and few friends I managed to keep around, don't know I was ever back with him. So, I simply can't go to them for support. I have no one, and that is very scary or frightening.
I never should've gone back to him. I knew better and I did it anyway. That's what upsets me the most. His manipulative ways of calling me threatening suicide, crying, promising rehab, the words and actions he was telling me, all of that and I finally sat there and listened and believed he meant all he said. I fell in love again.
I loved him, but I hated him if that makes sense. I loved who he could be. However, I hated who he became and who he was from Noon on everyday. He'd pass out, he was never there for me emotionally, physically or even sexually. Yet, I dealt with all this.
Now he's with someone else and I'm alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 11
Berry,
I have the book codependency no more in my amazon shopping cart. I've thought it may help me, I'll look into the group. Thanks for mentioning it.
I was always a very independent person, especially before marriage when I was 25. I was still fairly independent during marriage but had a good working relationship with my then husband. I may have had some codependencies with certain aspects in our lives.
But... my issue came after the divorce. My ex and I had what I and everyone else thought as a beautiful marriage. We were extremely close and always happy & together. Married 15 years and out of no where...He filed for divorce and had another woman that we worked with. This did a number on me. It pushed me back into my parents lives (I have an alcoholic parent) and I felt abandoned. I developed anxiety and PTSD.
So, I guess I have thought, I'm sure an alcoholic will love me. I was wrong and hurt by this.
I have the book codependency no more in my amazon shopping cart. I've thought it may help me, I'll look into the group. Thanks for mentioning it.
I was always a very independent person, especially before marriage when I was 25. I was still fairly independent during marriage but had a good working relationship with my then husband. I may have had some codependencies with certain aspects in our lives.
But... my issue came after the divorce. My ex and I had what I and everyone else thought as a beautiful marriage. We were extremely close and always happy & together. Married 15 years and out of no where...He filed for divorce and had another woman that we worked with. This did a number on me. It pushed me back into my parents lives (I have an alcoholic parent) and I felt abandoned. I developed anxiety and PTSD.
So, I guess I have thought, I'm sure an alcoholic will love me. I was wrong and hurt by this.
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