Heartbroken/frustrated

Old 10-09-2017, 10:41 AM
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Heartbroken/frustrated

On Labor Day weekend my husband decided to quit drinking! On Saturday it was 5 weeks. Today he is off from work & my kids are home from fall break. I have a 17 year old daughter & a 7 year old son. I told my daughter that her Dad was trying hard to quit drinking & that it has been 5 weeks & that we were in counseling. Today she took a picture of a beer in our freezer & being sarcastic asked me if it was mine knowing full well it was not! I am at work & so mad! Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K but to go back after 5 weeks just kills me. Plus let's not pretend we quit & go behind my back while I tell you how proud I am of you! Plus my heart just breaks for my daughter for every time he says he is going to quit, he doesn't & she has just given up on him & it makes me so sad! He just got a promotion from work & things seemed to be going in the right direction but he does not share with me so I would never know how he was feeling! So frustrated & now I have to work! Grrrrr!
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Old 10-09-2017, 11:18 AM
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I'm so sorry, Stacy. I know the feeling of wanting to believe the fairy tale when they promise to stop only to flung back into reality.

My ex promised to stop drinking days after our child was born and lasted about two days until I found him chugging beers and a bottle of vodka on the back patio when he thought I was sleeping in between feedings.

It's a betrayal for sure. I recommend you think about what boundaries you want to set for yourself and your children going forward before you speak to your husband. Be prepared for the excuses too. At the end of the day, just listen to yourself because that inner voice is important.

Sending hugs to you.
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Old 10-09-2017, 11:21 AM
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Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K
Nope, NOT OK. There is no moderating for an alcoholic. Recovery requires total abstinence. Your AH is NOT in any kind of recovery, Stacy, as much as it sucks to realize that.

This is where I was for years. XAH went to AA meetings, in fact chaired his Sunday meeting, and never stopped drinking. I believed all kinds of excuses plus made up my own for a looong time. Finally I stopped.

He is not "making an effort", unless we are talking about "making an effort to hide his drinking." Please don't kid yourself like I did.
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Old 10-09-2017, 12:11 PM
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Stacy......alcoholics don't drink to defy us....they drink because there is a battle going on in their head...24/7....that feels like life and death to them. The alcoholic voice whispers to them, all the time, that it is o.k. to drink....even when they look o.k., to us, on the outside. The compulsion to drink is intense.
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....

It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.

I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am giving you the link, below, to our list of dozens and dozens of articles...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....

Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....

When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....
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Old 10-09-2017, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Stacy0701 View Post
On Labor Day weekend my husband decided to quit drinking! On Saturday it was 5 weeks. Today he is off from work & my kids are home from fall break. I have a 17 year old daughter & a 7 year old son. I told my daughter that her Dad was trying hard to quit drinking & that it has been 5 weeks & that we were in counseling. Today she took a picture of a beer in our freezer & being sarcastic asked me if it was mine knowing full well it was not! I am at work & so mad! Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K but to go back after 5 weeks just kills me. Plus let's not pretend we quit & go behind my back while I tell you how proud I am of you! Plus my heart just breaks for my daughter for every time he says he is going to quit, he doesn't & she has just given up on him & it makes me so sad! He just got a promotion from work & things seemed to be going in the right direction but he does not share with me so I would never know how he was feeling! So frustrated & now I have to work! Grrrrr!
Your husband is compulsively drinking to regain control over his feelings, an emotional state. It may not make sense to an non alcohol but alcoholics drink to regain control of how they feel, to empower themselves and escape the trap of how they feel. It works quite well in the short term. I was on autopilot with this type of corrupted thinking for 44 years (quick fix or mood changer of drugs and booze). Talk about it in counseling. Confront him with kindness and respect. With counseling he can learn to regain control of his feelings with more healthy behaviors.
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:18 AM
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Stacy......alcoholics don't drink to defy us....they drink because there is a battle going on in their head...24/7....that feels like life and death to them. The alcoholic voice whispers to them, all the time, that it is o.k. to drink....even when they look o.k., to us, on the outside. The compulsion to drink is intense.
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....

It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.

I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....

I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....

I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....

Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....

When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....[/Q

In the end I think I really need to figure out if I can stay in this marriage or not! I think because my husband has a good job, most would never know he was an alcoholic & he is a great Dad, I tell myself those are reasons to stay but I forget about me. I am not happy & in the end I really do not want to learn to live with the disease. I do not want a marriage that places boundaries on us because my husband is an alcoholic but I also struggle to leave because my son adores him. My 17 year old daughter is from a previous marriage who has never been in her life & my husband legally adopted me. She is in counseling but has given up on my husband. I am torn between my 2 kids & making the right choice for all but I am tired of being on this hamster wheel. I have educated myself as much as the next & I know this is not something easy to quit & I know he has to REALLY want it & I am tired of all his excuses. So again in the end I need to choose & that is hard too!
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:24 AM
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It is hard.

I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.

Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.

It's miserable in the limbo, though.
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:39 AM
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Stacy, the reason that I posted so much on your thread is that, from your previous posts/threads, I sensed that you were very focused on saving the marriage. It also sounded like he was not working in a serious program.....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:53 AM
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Bear in mind, Stacy, that just b/c he has a good job now doesn't mean that will be the case in a month or a year or 5 years. Your son may adore him now, but once the public embarrassments and private let-downs commence, that could change too.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things WILL go downhill. What we never know is how long it will take--there is no guarantee of a nice smooth predictable progression. It might take years before he really starts to show cracks. It might happen this coming Friday.

This thread about "functional alcoholics" might be useful to you as you consider what direction to take:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-re-post.html ("Functional Alcoholic" re-post)
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:40 AM
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Hi, Stacy.
Welcome. Glad you are here.
You sound just about done in.
Agree with other posters that alcohol addiction is progressive and destructive over time, of health, of the family, of the job.
Everyone is functional until they aren’t.
I would ask: what do you want your life to be like in 5 years, 10?
Married to someone you can’t trust, that you don’t respect, and who places his family behind his priority: drinking.
It doesn’t get better. It gets worse.
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Old 10-10-2017, 01:16 PM
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Not much to add here except that yes, from my experience, alcoholism gets worse, not better, unless the alcoholic really commits to an intensive program of recovery. My ex-husband got worse slowly for a long time, and then "slowly" became "quickly" and then "very quickly". He had moments of shame for what he was doing, and he "tried" rehab and AA, but always goes back to drinking (and it sounds like your husband isn't even doing it secretly, if he's putting his beer in the fridge!).
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Stacy, the reason that I posted so much on your thread is that, from your previous posts/threads, I sensed that you were very focused on saving the marriage. It also sounded like he was not working in a serious program.....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
I am such a proponent of marriage but I also do not believe this is how God designed marriage either! I want to save it but I have to ask myself how long do I want to do this for I do not think I can settle if things do not change. I do think if he chooses to continue, I would be happier without him. Thank you so much for your replies with so much thought & detail to help. Like someone else mentioned I am in limbo & it stinks! I pray daily for God to make it clear to me what direction is best for us all!
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
It is hard.

I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.

Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.

It's miserable in the limbo, though.
It really is miserable to be in limbo! I stay because I have hope. I can financially do it on my own, emotionally I can do it on my own. I have huge support with family & friends but I struggle with giving up on my marriage & giving up on him but I also do not believe this is how God designed marriage. I am trying to be O.k with where I am but that too is a struggle! Thanks for your kind words!
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Not much to add here except that yes, from my experience, alcoholism gets worse, not better, unless the alcoholic really commits to an intensive program of recovery. My ex-husband got worse slowly for a long time, and then "slowly" became "quickly" and then "very quickly". He had moments of shame for what he was doing, and he "tried" rehab and AA, but always goes back to drinking (and it sounds like your husband isn't even doing it secretly, if he's putting his beer in the fridge!).
We have been in the same place for 7 years but I agree it could get worse tomorrow or next week! My husband is very ashamed & guilty & barely can talk to me about it! He drinks alone whether it be in the backyard or in the bathroom for he wants no one to see him. He put the beer in the freezer I am sure to get cold & then take out to go hide somewhere & our daughter just happened to go in the freezer. He does not even know she sent me a text with a picture of it so he thinks he got away with it. My daughter & husband's relationship has been shaky in her teen years so I did not even tell him she sent it to me as not to rock the boat more with those 2. Just keeping the peace in the house can be a full time job!
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:32 PM
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I'm so sorry. My husband is in rehab right now but I am making plans to make sure I will be OK if things don't work out. When I read in the Al Anon stuff something about how I don't have to pay the consequences for my husband's drinking, it was kind of an epiphany. I didn't even realize that I have a choice in that. So, I choose not to and I just need to make sure I am in a position where rather than it being a goal, it's an achievable reality. That doesn't mean I am planning to leave him but when I realized what an epiphany that one little thing was, I realized I kind of have some work to do.

I am so sorry you are struggling. I am definitely struggling as well but today is not a bad day so that's excellent. Tomorrow? Can't say.
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:42 PM
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Stacy....everything I have seen says that happy marriages are created when two people want it and are committed to it, at the same time.
I also, believe that we were created to find joy and happiness in living.....we were meant to thrive...not to just exist....

I have been able to have a marriage that was choking the very soul out of me....and a marriage that was the most wonderful and loving....
He was taken away unexpectedly and rapidly by cancer. (I love oncology nurses).....
I thank the Universe that I had him in my life and that I can say that I have been truly l oved, in my life.
That could never have happened if I stayed in my first marriage...and my kids would not have had as good of a childhood.....as he has, still, never changed, one molecule.....(I hear this from the grapevine and reports from my children)....
He remarried in less than 2 years after I divorced him...and,apparently his second wife does n ot mind his soul-sucking ways. I say, good for them. lol...my grandmother always told me that every pot has a lid....

Hope is not bad, in itself, but it is not a plan. And, it is no substitute for reality.....
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