Heartbroken/frustrated
Heartbroken/frustrated
On Labor Day weekend my husband decided to quit drinking! On Saturday it was 5 weeks. Today he is off from work & my kids are home from fall break. I have a 17 year old daughter & a 7 year old son. I told my daughter that her Dad was trying hard to quit drinking & that it has been 5 weeks & that we were in counseling. Today she took a picture of a beer in our freezer & being sarcastic asked me if it was mine knowing full well it was not! I am at work & so mad! Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K but to go back after 5 weeks just kills me. Plus let's not pretend we quit & go behind my back while I tell you how proud I am of you! Plus my heart just breaks for my daughter for every time he says he is going to quit, he doesn't & she has just given up on him & it makes me so sad! He just got a promotion from work & things seemed to be going in the right direction but he does not share with me so I would never know how he was feeling! So frustrated & now I have to work! Grrrrr!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
I'm so sorry, Stacy. I know the feeling of wanting to believe the fairy tale when they promise to stop only to flung back into reality.
My ex promised to stop drinking days after our child was born and lasted about two days until I found him chugging beers and a bottle of vodka on the back patio when he thought I was sleeping in between feedings.
It's a betrayal for sure. I recommend you think about what boundaries you want to set for yourself and your children going forward before you speak to your husband. Be prepared for the excuses too. At the end of the day, just listen to yourself because that inner voice is important.
Sending hugs to you.
My ex promised to stop drinking days after our child was born and lasted about two days until I found him chugging beers and a bottle of vodka on the back patio when he thought I was sleeping in between feedings.
It's a betrayal for sure. I recommend you think about what boundaries you want to set for yourself and your children going forward before you speak to your husband. Be prepared for the excuses too. At the end of the day, just listen to yourself because that inner voice is important.
Sending hugs to you.
Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K
This is where I was for years. XAH went to AA meetings, in fact chaired his Sunday meeting, and never stopped drinking. I believed all kinds of excuses plus made up my own for a looong time. Finally I stopped.
He is not "making an effort", unless we are talking about "making an effort to hide his drinking." Please don't kid yourself like I did.
Stacy......alcoholics don't drink to defy us....they drink because there is a battle going on in their head...24/7....that feels like life and death to them. The alcoholic voice whispers to them, all the time, that it is o.k. to drink....even when they look o.k., to us, on the outside. The compulsion to drink is intense.
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....
It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.
I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am giving you the link, below, to our list of dozens and dozens of articles...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....
Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....
When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....
It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.
I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am giving you the link, below, to our list of dozens and dozens of articles...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....
Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....
When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
On Labor Day weekend my husband decided to quit drinking! On Saturday it was 5 weeks. Today he is off from work & my kids are home from fall break. I have a 17 year old daughter & a 7 year old son. I told my daughter that her Dad was trying hard to quit drinking & that it has been 5 weeks & that we were in counseling. Today she took a picture of a beer in our freezer & being sarcastic asked me if it was mine knowing full well it was not! I am at work & so mad! Hopefully we can talk when I get home from work for if he only had one O.K but to go back after 5 weeks just kills me. Plus let's not pretend we quit & go behind my back while I tell you how proud I am of you! Plus my heart just breaks for my daughter for every time he says he is going to quit, he doesn't & she has just given up on him & it makes me so sad! He just got a promotion from work & things seemed to be going in the right direction but he does not share with me so I would never know how he was feeling! So frustrated & now I have to work! Grrrrr!
Stacy......alcoholics don't drink to defy us....they drink because there is a battle going on in their head...24/7....that feels like life and death to them. The alcoholic voice whispers to them, all the time, that it is o.k. to drink....even when they look o.k., to us, on the outside. The compulsion to drink is intense.
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....
It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.
I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....
I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....
Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....
When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....[/Q
In the end I think I really need to figure out if I can stay in this marriage or not! I think because my husband has a good job, most would never know he was an alcoholic & he is a great Dad, I tell myself those are reasons to stay but I forget about me. I am not happy & in the end I really do not want to learn to live with the disease. I do not want a marriage that places boundaries on us because my husband is an alcoholic but I also struggle to leave because my son adores him. My 17 year old daughter is from a previous marriage who has never been in her life & my husband legally adopted me. She is in counseling but has given up on my husband. I am torn between my 2 kids & making the right choice for all but I am tired of being on this hamster wheel. I have educated myself as much as the next & I know this is not something easy to quit & I know he has to REALLY want it & I am tired of all his excuses. So again in the end I need to choose & that is hard too!
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....
It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.
I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....
I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....
Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....
When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....[/Q
In the end I think I really need to figure out if I can stay in this marriage or not! I think because my husband has a good job, most would never know he was an alcoholic & he is a great Dad, I tell myself those are reasons to stay but I forget about me. I am not happy & in the end I really do not want to learn to live with the disease. I do not want a marriage that places boundaries on us because my husband is an alcoholic but I also struggle to leave because my son adores him. My 17 year old daughter is from a previous marriage who has never been in her life & my husband legally adopted me. She is in counseling but has given up on my husband. I am torn between my 2 kids & making the right choice for all but I am tired of being on this hamster wheel. I have educated myself as much as the next & I know this is not something easy to quit & I know he has to REALLY want it & I am tired of all his excuses. So again in the end I need to choose & that is hard too!
It is hard.
I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.
Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.
It's miserable in the limbo, though.
I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.
Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.
It's miserable in the limbo, though.
Stacy, the reason that I posted so much on your thread is that, from your previous posts/threads, I sensed that you were very focused on saving the marriage. It also sounded like he was not working in a serious program.....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
Bear in mind, Stacy, that just b/c he has a good job now doesn't mean that will be the case in a month or a year or 5 years. Your son may adore him now, but once the public embarrassments and private let-downs commence, that could change too.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things WILL go downhill. What we never know is how long it will take--there is no guarantee of a nice smooth predictable progression. It might take years before he really starts to show cracks. It might happen this coming Friday.
This thread about "functional alcoholics" might be useful to you as you consider what direction to take:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-re-post.html ("Functional Alcoholic" re-post)
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things WILL go downhill. What we never know is how long it will take--there is no guarantee of a nice smooth predictable progression. It might take years before he really starts to show cracks. It might happen this coming Friday.
This thread about "functional alcoholics" might be useful to you as you consider what direction to take:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-re-post.html ("Functional Alcoholic" re-post)
Hi, Stacy.
Welcome. Glad you are here.
You sound just about done in.
Agree with other posters that alcohol addiction is progressive and destructive over time, of health, of the family, of the job.
Everyone is functional until they aren’t.
I would ask: what do you want your life to be like in 5 years, 10?
Married to someone you can’t trust, that you don’t respect, and who places his family behind his priority: drinking.
It doesn’t get better. It gets worse.
Welcome. Glad you are here.
You sound just about done in.
Agree with other posters that alcohol addiction is progressive and destructive over time, of health, of the family, of the job.
Everyone is functional until they aren’t.
I would ask: what do you want your life to be like in 5 years, 10?
Married to someone you can’t trust, that you don’t respect, and who places his family behind his priority: drinking.
It doesn’t get better. It gets worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Not much to add here except that yes, from my experience, alcoholism gets worse, not better, unless the alcoholic really commits to an intensive program of recovery. My ex-husband got worse slowly for a long time, and then "slowly" became "quickly" and then "very quickly". He had moments of shame for what he was doing, and he "tried" rehab and AA, but always goes back to drinking (and it sounds like your husband isn't even doing it secretly, if he's putting his beer in the fridge!).
Stacy, the reason that I posted so much on your thread is that, from your previous posts/threads, I sensed that you were very focused on saving the marriage. It also sounded like he was not working in a serious program.....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
I was trying to be supportive and helpful.....
But, if he isn't serious and you want out....I can't blame you one little bit.
I still remember the actual minute I decided that I need to get a divorce....and, I had three little kids....
It is hard.
I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.
Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.
It's miserable in the limbo, though.
I knew when I was done, but the lead-up to that was painful and full of circular thinking just like you are doing.
Honor your "process." You'll get there. It may be a big blow-up, but it may just be a quiet voice one day.
It's miserable in the limbo, though.
Not much to add here except that yes, from my experience, alcoholism gets worse, not better, unless the alcoholic really commits to an intensive program of recovery. My ex-husband got worse slowly for a long time, and then "slowly" became "quickly" and then "very quickly". He had moments of shame for what he was doing, and he "tried" rehab and AA, but always goes back to drinking (and it sounds like your husband isn't even doing it secretly, if he's putting his beer in the fridge!).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
I'm so sorry. My husband is in rehab right now but I am making plans to make sure I will be OK if things don't work out. When I read in the Al Anon stuff something about how I don't have to pay the consequences for my husband's drinking, it was kind of an epiphany. I didn't even realize that I have a choice in that. So, I choose not to and I just need to make sure I am in a position where rather than it being a goal, it's an achievable reality. That doesn't mean I am planning to leave him but when I realized what an epiphany that one little thing was, I realized I kind of have some work to do.
I am so sorry you are struggling. I am definitely struggling as well but today is not a bad day so that's excellent. Tomorrow? Can't say.
I am so sorry you are struggling. I am definitely struggling as well but today is not a bad day so that's excellent. Tomorrow? Can't say.
Stacy....everything I have seen says that happy marriages are created when two people want it and are committed to it, at the same time.
I also, believe that we were created to find joy and happiness in living.....we were meant to thrive...not to just exist....
I have been able to have a marriage that was choking the very soul out of me....and a marriage that was the most wonderful and loving....
He was taken away unexpectedly and rapidly by cancer. (I love oncology nurses).....
I thank the Universe that I had him in my life and that I can say that I have been truly l oved, in my life.
That could never have happened if I stayed in my first marriage...and my kids would not have had as good of a childhood.....as he has, still, never changed, one molecule.....(I hear this from the grapevine and reports from my children)....
He remarried in less than 2 years after I divorced him...and,apparently his second wife does n ot mind his soul-sucking ways. I say, good for them. lol...my grandmother always told me that every pot has a lid....
Hope is not bad, in itself, but it is not a plan. And, it is no substitute for reality.....
I also, believe that we were created to find joy and happiness in living.....we were meant to thrive...not to just exist....
I have been able to have a marriage that was choking the very soul out of me....and a marriage that was the most wonderful and loving....
He was taken away unexpectedly and rapidly by cancer. (I love oncology nurses).....
I thank the Universe that I had him in my life and that I can say that I have been truly l oved, in my life.
That could never have happened if I stayed in my first marriage...and my kids would not have had as good of a childhood.....as he has, still, never changed, one molecule.....(I hear this from the grapevine and reports from my children)....
He remarried in less than 2 years after I divorced him...and,apparently his second wife does n ot mind his soul-sucking ways. I say, good for them. lol...my grandmother always told me that every pot has a lid....
Hope is not bad, in itself, but it is not a plan. And, it is no substitute for reality.....
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