He says he can't forgive me

Old 10-26-2004, 10:11 AM
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He says he can't forgive me

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=41679

I posted the above link late last night. It is a pretty long posting, but I think you have to read it to understand what I am about to say.

I keep thinking about the things he said to me on the phone, and one just keeps playing over and over again in my mind and that is he can't forgive me for the things I have done to him in the past.

We have been married for 16 years and I have not been the perfect wife, I admit that. Up until 4 years ago, I was drinking and doing some drugs myself. Was I an addict? I don't know. I guess it depends on who you ask. I think I did it more to fit in, relate, have "fun" (or what I thought fun was at the time), but it wasn't for me and I stopped, NEVER was an issue nor did I ever think about it again.

My husband has been in and out of prison. Each time he was sent away or when he would be out and start using to the point he was gone for days, I would seek out someone that could replace him for the time he was gone. Most of the time, they were close friends of his. They always seemed to be around when they knew he was locked up. I still visited him and sent him money, accepted his calls, but I didn't tell him what I was doing. He always found out though.

I tried to stop cheating on him, but out of lonliness, I would go out with my girlfriends and start drinking and then my inhibitions were lowered and I would find myself doing it again. I felt so guilty afterwards.

There were a couple of them that I actually started a life with, but still, my intentions were when my husband came home, I would be with him. I know it sounds sick.

Anyway, when he got out this last time after doing 4 years, I knew I had to stop doing these things and get a better group of friends. I changed my life. I grew up and stopped partying with my girlfriends and having these flings.

Well, he has this hang up that he can't forgive me for what I have done to him. He says he has tried and he just can't.

Why can't he let go? Why does he allow people (brother, friends, etc.) to remind him? Also, who is he to talk? I have forgiven him for cheating and much more worse things that he has done to me and our kids. I don't look back in the past.

I feel like everytime he messes up, I have to reset my emotions and life. Don't let me say "what you use to do" to him. That would only cause an arguement.
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Old 10-26-2004, 10:30 AM
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Maybe he just can't forgive you, no matter what he has done himself. People are funny like that.

Maybe it's harder for men to forgive infidelity than it is women who knows.

If he can't forgive you then it's really up to you to decide where you want to go from here.

Ngaire
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Old 10-26-2004, 10:30 AM
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Chy
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Take it slow, give yourself time to see if this is the relationship you really want. If he's moving on, perhaps it's time you do to. I think both parties have equally been hurt, and there is much unhealthy behavior going on. It takes a lot of time to heal. Allow this time to be your time. I know 16 years is a long time, but there is still a life worth having ahead of you to. Work on you, make a plan, and go for it!
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Old 10-26-2004, 12:50 PM
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I think it is harder for men to find forgiveness.
Our pride gets in the way.
How dare they do that (as they remind me of my past actions)
I get more upset I think because of the reminder of my past then I do of the action itself. A constant for me at time... forgive as you have been forgiven ... tends to be a bible verse that runs through my head.

As Chy said... slow down and think on things.
Healing takes time. Growth from out of the ashes and healing will take time.
For me it would take a long time, for my wife it took but a moment.
Slow down and think on what you are looking for. Boundaries for tomorrow, forgiveness for today. Think things through.
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Old 10-26-2004, 01:34 PM
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I'm afraid that we will never be friends again. He me called today at work and the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "So, can I come and get some of my stuff?". He said it in a way to let me know he wasn't calling to chit chat. I just hung up. I couldn't bring myself to tell him there isn't anything left of yours.

Then he called back and said, "What? You don't want to talk anymore?". I just reminded him that he has kids that he should keep in touch with. He cut me off before I could finish and said that he didn't call to talk about that. He asked again if I was going to give him his things, and I told him goodbye and hung up.

He sort of sounded like he was high. I say that because when he is using, he reverts back to his thuggish talking and and those were the type of word that he was using.

I have a feeling that him using again is right around the corner. I think he is just setting it all up. He has become too sure of himself in such a short time.

I will take it slow. Maybe I will go to a meeting tonight.
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Old 10-26-2004, 07:41 PM
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You know, if we can't forgive each other for the hurts we've inflicted on each other, then we have no right to be together. How can you live with a person who will walk around with resentment and constantly remind you of what you did in the past? Especially when their own lives were full of trash.

Think this one through. You don't want him as a housemate or husband. Why would you want him as a friend? And if he's going to be high, do you want him around your children?

Keep doing meetings and posting here. WE'll all help you through this.

Hugs, Kathy
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Old 10-26-2004, 11:11 PM
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It sounds like you have lived and are still living in a lot of chaos. Both of you have done things that it sounds like you're ashamed of. And even though you have been able to forgive him in the past, it doesn't sound like he is at that point with you. And there's not a darn thing you can do about that. That's his stuff to deal with.

Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? You deserve someone who loves you for who you are now. It doesn't sound like he's ready to be that person. And he maybe never will be. Do you want to live with the chaos? You can choose to live a life of peace. There will be things you have to "give up" in order to do that - like giving up the confusion, and pain, and anger that you feel. It takes lots of energy to drag all that anger and resentment around. When you can let go of that, you will be able to make a choice that is right for you and your kids.

If it was just you, you could live in that chaos for as long as you wanted to, but you have a responsibility to your children not to subject them to that if you can change it. It's your choice. You can do whatever you need to do.

Try really hard to get to an Al-Anon meeting. It sounds like you could use lots of support right now.

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Old 10-27-2004, 05:26 PM
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I appreciate the support that you all are giving me. It is really helping me.

I bought a Daily Study Bible for Women yesterday and that is also helping. It has a lot of references to certain scriptures for all kinds of circumstances, lonliness, infidelity, love, difficult husband, forgiveness, etc. Since I have been questioning what love is, I found some great references to help me understand the purpose of love and how God wants us to be.

Tonight, I went to get my hair done. I did something a little funky and more drastic than I have ever did my hair. I needed to do something for myself to make myself feel better. It has been a while since I spent some money on ME.

It has been (6) nights since I seen him last and I have been praying everyday. Every couple of times each day, I get a panic attack and feel like I am short of breath like if I'm going to faint. I start shaking, but then I stop and start praying for god to give me the strength and then I eventually get over it.

I do have to say it is quite peaceful around here. Also, my house is clean! When he was home. Whatever he dropped, whether it be food or clothes, he wouldn't pick it up. He would make a mess and I was using all my time picking up after him.

I still miss him though.
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Old 10-27-2004, 06:35 PM
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You know, I use to think all the time that I wish he would just leave me, then I wouldn't feel so bad. I just knew I could never be the one to walk away. I figured if he left then it would be easier for me not to worry about him and the decision would be his, so I didn't feel like I abandoned him.

The day after my husband left me, I had a previously scheduled psychologist appointment for my son due to him not doing so good in his school work. I explained to the doctor what happened the previous day. He met with my son, and then came out and wanted to speak to me by myself. He told me that my son said he was very worried about me and that he never felt assured that his dad would stay. I told the doctor that I don't think any of us were assured of my husband sticking around. He said he wasn't even going to focus on the school issue right now, that he is more concerned about what is going on at home. Also, he (the doctor) wants to build some consistency with my son so he wants to meet with him on a weekly basis for the time being.

My mother and father were married for 50+ years and I wanted the same thing when I got married. I never once thought that my dad would abandon my mother, or that my mother would abandon my dad. I guess I was lucky for that. I feel sad that wasn't an option for my children.

Last edited by crowzhome; 10-28-2004 at 07:54 AM. Reason: Didn't say who I had the psychologist appt for
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Old 10-27-2004, 06:41 PM
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Crow

It sounds like you want to and have changed your ways, but this man has been in and out of prison for years, is active in his addiction, and wants to contibute nothing to this relationship. I understand why you did what you did, and I also think it's good that you are changing that...but what kind of a relationship do you picture yourself having with this man?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I just wonder if you are looking for love in all the wrong places, including with him.

Hugs
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