viola71

My life has been pretty drama free since I went no contact even via email. My issue is my daughter she came to me in tears last night because her dad is constantly texting her 3-4 times a day and leaving voice messages crying etc. If she doesn't text back then he sends a long passive aggressive note about shutting him out. She asked him via text to quit freaking out when she doesn't respond that she is very very busy. His response was ugly saying he's only asking for 5 minutes, but what he is asking for is for her to board an emotional rollercoaster. My DD is 17 and I have had this discussion with her father before but apparently the backlash from my saying something fell on her. She is asking me not to say anything. Thoughts? I want her to be able to count on one parent and trust at least one parent but this is her senior year. She has a job , is applying for colleges, is a leader in multiple clubs at her school and she really is busy. How do I get this girl some peace without breaking her trust?

Maudcat

Hi, Viola,
I don’t have experience with this specific aituation, but I know there are other posters who are dealing with it.
They should be along with their thoughts soon.
Meantime, hugs to you and your daughter.
This is a tough one.

hopeful4

Good Morning,

I have a similar age child. Is she in counseling? If not, get her in, pronto. This has enpowered my children so very much. Eventually it got to be enough is enough and my child started standing up for herself. One day her father got mad at her for not responding when it was during class.

I can only say to continue to let her know you are there for her, and just listen to her. I have found that my children are not always looking for me to solve their issues for them as that is not even possible. However, they still need to know I care, and that I am willing to sit and listen to them vent about it.

Help her find her inner voice and help her to learn to effectively communicate her boundaries to her father.

Big hugs.

SparkleKitty

Rather than try to change your ex's behavior (which neither of you have any control over), maybe focus on helping your daughter build and maintain strong boundaries.

You both agree that he is asking too much of her, but she is going to need to be the one to stand firm through the onslaught. At the end of the day, we teach others what we will or won't accept from them. Your daughter will need good support from her momma as to learn that she deserves to be treated with respect and that her time is valuable.

viola71

Thanks guys. Yes she is in therapy although we know what a slow process that is. Maybe we should talk about boundary examples tonight to give her an idea and response for when they are eventually crossed. Its so funny how my immediate thought was I should tell him and expect him to follow through Thanks for the reminder SparkleKitty that I can't control his behavior. One day that lesson will finally stick uuuggghhh.

AlcSis

Hi Viola,

Just want to say that I believe you are doing all the right things. It is super great that your daughter is in counseling. The only thing I have to add is that she might try Alateen - if it is available in your area. (And if she has time to attend.)

You might encourage your daughter to ask her counselor for advice on how to deal with her dad. (Perhaps she has; if so the counselor needs to know about this ongoing behavior - coming from your daughter.)

Overall, it sounds like both of you are on the right track and are setting (or trying to set) boundaries. Bravo! To both of you!!!!!!

p.s. I am speaking with experience. I am an ACOA and was in a very similar situation as your daughter. Minus the texts, LOL, that was a long, long time ago. No support from my mom, either. At age 17, I did accompany my dad to an AA meeting. (That, in hindsight was pretty darn scary for me.). But I wanted to help my dad. (By the way, he died early, in his late 40's as a direct result of his alcoholism.)

Good luck, stay strong and hugs to both of you.

hopeful4

I can completely understand! When my XAH and I first divorced, and before that, I thought I had to go to him w/every little issue thinking it would get us somewhere and he would see how his behavior affects the kids. Wrong.

Somewhere along the line, it clicked with myself and the kids that is not likely to happen. It has empowered both of my children to find their voices and their boundaries.

Good job momma!

Ariesagain

Would it work to have your daughter set up a specific time for a ten minute phone call a couple of times a week? And enforce the ten minutes? And block him the rest of the time?

My guess is it would happen three, four times and the he'd "forget," or be too busy, or whatever, but maybe it would at least stop the harassment?

BAW81

I completely agree with the above and it sounds like you are already there. Don't waste cycles trying to get your ex to understand, rather teach your daughter how to set boundaries and feel your support and love while doing it. That way, you don't worry about betraying any trust and I think it will actually strength your relationship with her and help her strengthen her boundary skills for future relationships with others.

Way to go, mom!

viola71

Thanks to all of you! Its actually funny I had to call him about an insurance situation today and he tells me he's pretty upset he can't seem to get her on the phone. I said well she's incredibly stressed out with all the deadlines and it won't settle down until November. He then tells me he's only texting her once a day, and nothing pleading or inappropriate (he honestly doesn't think she showed me or let me hear the messages.) He's traveling for work again which means his company is paying for his drinking bill.... I like the idea of setting up a time and blocking the rest I doubt my daughter will agree to it but we are gonna brainstorm boundaries to get her some peace. Thanks so much you guys

hopeful4

Even if it is just helping her get appropriate responses back to him, or making her realize it's absolutely OK not to respond and that even if he gets mad initially, he will get over it.

My children had big anxiety about this, but when they started enforcing their own boundaries more, his responses began to have less and less power over them.

AnvilheadII

his fixation on her is really inappropriate and disturbing. as it would be for ANYONE who was harassing her continually, calling/crying in voice mails, turning ugly. i think THAT might be the point.....don't make this just about HIS behavior specifically, but give her tools to use when this type of behavior occurs anywhere, anytime. it's stalkerish and controlling.....this could as easily be some whacked out 23 year old.

NYCDoglvr

I agree with sparkle ... help her establish boundaries. Alcoholics take prisoners and he's manipulating her. I would suggest not reading his texts and not responding.

maia1234

V,
She's 17 and will do what she wants. But just like on sr, we share what works for us and what doesnt. Tell her you were in the same boat till you had to block him, as he was driving you crazy. Because of your decision things have calmed down.

I learned here that I shouldnt tell anyone what to do. It's their decision. When my kids make a heavy decision, I always recommend them to think about it over night and revisit it In the am. Sometimes they do and sometimes they dont, but i always want them to make the choice. If not it will bite you in the a $$.

She can take what she wants and leave the rest as we all do on sr. Hugs, you are a good mom!!