serenity94

I am almost 4 months sober, and things are everywhere. The first couple of months were really amazing and now I feel so sad, depressed, angry all the time. I'm full of pain which leads me to thoughts of drinking and using because that's the only way I've ever known. This confusion and unstable emotions make me think that there is something wrong with me. I go to meetings everyday, I pray everyday, I'm doing my absolute best but my head is not in a good place and feel very lonely. Any thoughts would be helpful.

Gottalife

My immediate thought was that maybe you have not taken the steps yet. The Dostors Opinion states that unless we have a complete psychic change there is very little hope of recovery. We in aa call that change a spiritual experience described as a change of personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism, a profound change in our reaction to life. It is accomplished by working the 12 steps. That is the aa solution to alcoholism. 12 steps will do what a million meetings won’t, if you are an alcoholic of my type.

Until that happens we remain vulnerable to the bedevilments on page 52, prey to misery and depression, unable to control our emotional natures, feeling useless.

We usually lose those feelings for the first little while in aa, but unless we get busy with the steps, they come back and we become restless irritable and discontent, and those seem to be the symptoms that precede relapse.

Going to meetings and not drinking does not treat alcoholism.

Berrybean

What Mike says was certainly my experience.

Have you thought about getting a sponsor and working the steps?

BB

SimplyFree

I had lost of emotional swings around 100 days. It was kinda like a week similar to the first month. It passed!

serenity94

Thanks for replies. I am working my steps, about to start my 8th step but I've taken a break because I have this booklet of questions for all the steps and everytime I go to do it I get overwhelmed. I felt amazing after I did my 5th, I had what I call a profound spiritual experience. But since then it sort of went away. There could be many reasons for this (falling in love with someone in the first few months who I can't be with because I'm in my first year, starting college,etc)

Berrybean

Well. That's an awful lot to have on your plate in early sobriety. Maybe lower your expectations of how you're likely to feel while going through all this upheaval.

I hve a great prayer that I use to try to figure out what exactly is making me feel a bit wobbly - happy to pass it on if you want to give it a go. Ultimately starting a new course is likely to make you feel a bit off kilter - so much fear and ego involved in such a venture - and likewise for falling for someone (unavailable or not). There is a reason that people advise against changes in early sobriety - but of course in reality it's not always possible to avoid them (I moved house to a new city just a few months into sobriety - set me on a big wobble, but turned out to be the best thing I ever did).

Do you have friends in AA you feel comfortable chatting to about this stuff? That will help - as will a heart to heart with your sponsor.

It can be uncomfortable sitting with those feelings we've pushed away and numbed for so long - BUT, they will pass, and although it might feel like they will kill you, actually they will not.

Let me know if you'd like that prayer.
BB

Choicy

I'd like to hear that prayer!

Glad you're here Serenity

DangerZone

Remember the pain, sadness, depression and anger are still going to be there when you drink. Drinking does not 'cure' those feelings it numbs it but once you are sober it'll still be there.

Look at being sober as an opportunity to figure out why you feel this way and get to the root of it so you don't have to feel like that anymore. Being sober forces us to deal with life but it's good because it also forces us to actually come up with a solution that'll get rid of these emotions permanently instead of numbing ourselves temporarily.

Stay strong and keep going. You almost have four-months sober.. You obviously live a sober life. You don't want to go back to Day-1 because there is no guarantee you'll ever get back to four-months again.

Jezzi

I haven't posted in a while but decided to log on because I've been struggling pretty badly the last 3-4 days. Today is day 71 for me; the first 60 was really great, but suddenly at around day 65 I suddenly had the worst anxiety attack I've ever experienced. I've not been able to eat, I've been irritable and then crying. It's really awful.

I hate that you're going through this, but relieved to hear I'm not alone. It's really frustrating.

Berrybean

Here you go - I adapted it from a Litany for Humility that I heard which struck several chords...

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my defects of character and not act on them.

AMEN.

january161992

very true

january161992

awesome job on demonstrating willingness to follow direction by doing the step work

PhoenixJ

Serenity- loneliness- I know it and understand it well. The overpowering feeling of hopeless and helplessness I had. I felt like complete crap- but decided I would rather face the world and feel crap, than do nothing. Meetings was a good start for me.

Gottalife

I had an amazing experience with the fifth too, described exactly on page 75 if I remember correctly.

I get concerned when I hear about these questions booklets. It is not in the big book, "having 12 stepped our man we hand him a book of questions..." Does not appear in the book, and it would have been a death sentence for me if it did. As an end stage alcoholic I needed the help and guidance of a sponsor to take me through the steps as layedout in the big book, and that had to be a simple process.

We did lots of sharing of experience, and, having been through the steps himself my sponsor had plenty of practical experience to share. Within a week of step five, I had begun step nine, using the list I had made in my fourth step,, and making a plan with my sponsor for each amends.

After step seven the book says " now we need more action, without which we find that faith without works is dead".

Perhaps your fifth step experience died away because you stopped. I can understand why with the booklet, that would have stopped me even getting that far. I hope you find a way to move forward soon, maybe find someone with more practical experience to help you work through step nine, and show you ten eleven and twelve.

nmd

Welcome serenity amd congrats on your 3+ months sober!

Taking away booze or drugs by itself doesn't solve our problems in life. We've suppressed our emotions for so long that learning how deal with things takes time.

Maybe you just need more time to process things or do something more to deal with your feelings? Exercise and walking are great distractions and mood improvers for me. Counseling might help or give you ideas for dealing with your feelings. Feeling depressed or angry doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong though, some people suffer from depression and need to address that directly

Dee74

Welcome to SR serenity

I thought that just not drinking would solve all my problems but all it seemed to do for me was uncover more problems - the very problems I turned to drinking for in the first place..

It took a lot of time and effort but I faced my fears anmd my demons and finally found some peace and happiness. I had some counselling help myself but Mikes suggestion about doing the steps is probably a good one if you're into AA?

D

Choicy

Be Kind to you today. You have been hiding for a very long time. You are necessary! I am really proud of you.
You deserve to be you. Allow that crap out! Don't ever feel alone.

CreativeThinker

I remember feeling the same way. Remember, they're just thoughts...it will pass in time. Hang strong!

rainyengland

Feel for you - I hit that wall at 4 months ..it sucked big time

All I can tell you is keep battling , seek help from doctor if needed

I promise you can push through like I did - stay strong