Something I am struggling with
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 155
Something I am struggling with
I am struggling getting my brain around the 'never ever again' and that scares me.
It's like I'm leaving the door open down the road for relapse, for more controlled attempts that will fail.
Logically I know what will happen, why can't I get my thoughts and emotions to accept it?
Must be the AV.
How do I reconcile this or is it more important in early recovery to focus on the here and now? I hate the mental game.
Would love some advice, I'm really trying hard.
Thank you
It's like I'm leaving the door open down the road for relapse, for more controlled attempts that will fail.
Logically I know what will happen, why can't I get my thoughts and emotions to accept it?
Must be the AV.
How do I reconcile this or is it more important in early recovery to focus on the here and now? I hate the mental game.
Would love some advice, I'm really trying hard.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Hi Mandy...my suggestion would be just to take it one day at a time. Build yourself the sober life you want so that drinking becomes something you do not want or need rather, than something you're being deprived of x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,524
I'm glad you posted, Mandy. I agree with Nova. I never actually said 'never again' to myself - even though I knew I couldn't touch the stuff. Every day I grew stronger, & picking up again grew farther & farther away as a possibility. I think it's normal to feel the way you do in the early days - I was fragile too for a while. We grow more determined to avoid it as we heal, & realize that life is so much better when we're free of it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
Hi Mandy
I was several months in before I could be OK with the idea of forever.
I started off making a pledge each morning to do whatever it might take for me to not drink that day, and I backed it up every morning after that for while.
Eventually, after a long string of sober days, forever didn't seem so scary to me.
D
I was several months in before I could be OK with the idea of forever.
I started off making a pledge each morning to do whatever it might take for me to not drink that day, and I backed it up every morning after that for while.
Eventually, after a long string of sober days, forever didn't seem so scary to me.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Mandy.
I struggled with this idea as well. Could not wrap my head around “never again.”
So I reframed it.
I said, “I won’t drink today. I may drink tomorrow, but not today.”
Then tomorrow would come. Rinse, repeat.
It got a little easier every day.
Now I am four years sober. I rarely think about drinking, and I plan to live sober ad infinitum.
I struggled with this idea as well. Could not wrap my head around “never again.”
So I reframed it.
I said, “I won’t drink today. I may drink tomorrow, but not today.”
Then tomorrow would come. Rinse, repeat.
It got a little easier every day.
Now I am four years sober. I rarely think about drinking, and I plan to live sober ad infinitum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 155
Thank you all so much, this was really bothering me, , I was afraid that I didn't have the right mindset and it would mean I would fail. I can totally focus on today and today I don't want to drink, I want sobriety! I feel much better truly appreciate the guidance more than than you know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
This is from the AA 'Just for Today' card. I was given one of these cards at my first meeting and was told "Don't even try to think about forever. Just forcus on one day at a time. On a bad day focus on an hour at a time." They were right.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
That never again thought keep me drinking for a long time. Now I have learned not to worry about the future or the past. I know what I have to do to not drink today. I will drink tomorrow maybe but not today. Good luck
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Here was the problem for me. I woke up each morning and made a solemn decision not to drink, just for today. Just one day is not much to ask, and I didn’t want much asked of me. Sometimes I managed to repeat that several days in a row. But the day always came when I just changed my mind.
When I wanted to be sober for good, and was willing to go to any extreme to do so, that changed. I set off on journey of spiritual discovery that did ask much of me. One result of that action was that it stopped occurring to me to drink. No more not drinking one tenuous day at a time. I had a whole new set of ideas and attitudes and drinking was redundant.
The reservation that I “might “drink tomorrow always stopped me from doing what really needed to be done to recover permanently. Why would I need to go to some of the more difficult lengths if I may drink tomorrow anyway?
When I wanted to be sober for good, and was willing to go to any extreme to do so, that changed. I set off on journey of spiritual discovery that did ask much of me. One result of that action was that it stopped occurring to me to drink. No more not drinking one tenuous day at a time. I had a whole new set of ideas and attitudes and drinking was redundant.
The reservation that I “might “drink tomorrow always stopped me from doing what really needed to be done to recover permanently. Why would I need to go to some of the more difficult lengths if I may drink tomorrow anyway?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
This last weekend I've had a stinking cold, it's lifted now, but I feel so, so drained as my sleep has been so off. Anyway - as I was eating my breakfast I started thinking about the day ahead - all the classes I teach today, meeting after school, cooking dinner, homework for college course.... and quite frankly I started to feel a little overwhelmed, thinking GAHHHH. I can't do it!!! Thankfully, getting sober has been good practice for me though, because after that short initial inward groan, I was able to tell myself, "all I have to do RIGHT NOW is drink my coffee. I can do that." Shortly it will be, "All I need to do RIGHT NOW is put petrol in the car. I can do that." Then, "All I need to do RIGHT NOW is drive to work. I can do that." And that is how I will deal with today. Just thinking about what I need to do right now. Also by taking myself off for some quiet time at break rather than allowing people to sideline me with other stuff. Decongestant features on my survival plan as well lol.
Today is going to have to be a Keep It In The Hour day for me. I'll do my best, and it will be enough, or not. But getting overwhelmed by thinking about everything at once won't help me or anyone.
We can do this.
BB x
Today is going to have to be a Keep It In The Hour day for me. I'll do my best, and it will be enough, or not. But getting overwhelmed by thinking about everything at once won't help me or anyone.
We can do this.
BB x
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Lots of good advice above- for me, notably, at the beginning I didn't think about forever though I knew that would be the result and trusted that the kind of program Gottalife describes is what I would need to create (with the foundation of AA) to do it.
Also- and I think this was really important to literally appreciating every moment and reframing the "oh my God look at what my day is like!!" kind of stress....my first sponsor and I would talk each morning at 815. Toward the end of our short call, she would ask me "what are you doing next?" At first I'd say things like "oh, I go to work at 11 then...[describe rest of the day]" and she'd interrupt me "no - what are you doing NEXT?" and I'd stop and say something like "OH. I'm going to finish this call and my coffee. Then I'll get in the bath." I slowly got the hang of that- especially when I could feel myself get anxious or such....
You can do this.
Also- and I think this was really important to literally appreciating every moment and reframing the "oh my God look at what my day is like!!" kind of stress....my first sponsor and I would talk each morning at 815. Toward the end of our short call, she would ask me "what are you doing next?" At first I'd say things like "oh, I go to work at 11 then...[describe rest of the day]" and she'd interrupt me "no - what are you doing NEXT?" and I'd stop and say something like "OH. I'm going to finish this call and my coffee. Then I'll get in the bath." I slowly got the hang of that- especially when I could feel myself get anxious or such....
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
Thoughts of drinking will come and pass. For me it has been a question of what did I do about it. Did I continue to plan a vacation with all inclusive alcohol? Did I keep around those bottles of wine "for the family"? Did I keep my sobriety secret? (All things i did and predictably failed)
We all have moments of weakness. I think the key is to make our plans to be sober when we are strongest. You don't have to wrap your head around never again, but be honest with yourself about potential planned relapses. Sabotage yourself. Pour out the bottles, break the plans, tell someome, do whatever it is you think might stop you from drinking. Make your plans match your goal.
Over time, the desire to drink fades and the idea of never again feels like a blessing not a curse. Congrats on your sober time :-)
We all have moments of weakness. I think the key is to make our plans to be sober when we are strongest. You don't have to wrap your head around never again, but be honest with yourself about potential planned relapses. Sabotage yourself. Pour out the bottles, break the plans, tell someome, do whatever it is you think might stop you from drinking. Make your plans match your goal.
Over time, the desire to drink fades and the idea of never again feels like a blessing not a curse. Congrats on your sober time :-)
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
If you are discontent in sobriety, if you view not drinking as some form of punishment, then yes, I could see how the idea of never drinking could be scary.
I hope continued recovery get you to a place to where you learn to both "live" and "love" the sober life. Then you'll embrace the idea of never drinking again.
I hope continued recovery get you to a place to where you learn to both "live" and "love" the sober life. Then you'll embrace the idea of never drinking again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 155
I'm doing well today Hevyn ty how are you? I got some really great advice here has given me a lot to think about for sure. I had a really good sober holiday weekend with my husband and kids that I'm very proud of!
Berrybean I hope you are feeling better soon, colds are the worst! Sending you healing hugs
Berrybean I hope you are feeling better soon, colds are the worst! Sending you healing hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Thanks Mandy. Slightly betternow, just an irritating cough and dull head, and tired. Still going into work because every other person is suffering anyway. Gotta love Autumn term when the coughs and colds start. Some of my pupils are struggling with it - I feel for the ones who are non-verbal and can't communicate how rubbish they're feeling. We're keeping class activities simple and adding in extra breaks today. That's as good as my plan gets. Lol.
I had another thought about what you said ("I am struggling getting my brain around the 'never ever again' and that scares me."). I don't know about you, but I've struggled to get my brain around every transition in my life. It was always hard as a school kid to imagine what it'd be like when that finished, and at college the saome, and each job or relationship. Just because we can't get our head round the imagining of it doen't mean it won't happen. What it might mean though is that the fear regarding the 'what ifs' about it not happening is causing you some discomfort.
I really struggled to imagine how long term sobriety could look for me. And that was bat-**** scary. There is no way I could ever have know how good it would feel to have my integrity back, to form new friendships with other sober people in recovery, to start learning, to see through my fears and anger. It was all beyond my experience. But that didnt mean it wasn't going to happen. It just meant that getting to meetings and this forum to draw on the experience strength and hope of others was, at that point especially, super important for me.
We don't have to do it all at once. The simpe fact is that if every day we wake up and commit to sobriety for that day, and keep on doing the same, then we will remain sober. Not only that - it will get easier with time.
BB x
I had another thought about what you said ("I am struggling getting my brain around the 'never ever again' and that scares me."). I don't know about you, but I've struggled to get my brain around every transition in my life. It was always hard as a school kid to imagine what it'd be like when that finished, and at college the saome, and each job or relationship. Just because we can't get our head round the imagining of it doen't mean it won't happen. What it might mean though is that the fear regarding the 'what ifs' about it not happening is causing you some discomfort.
I really struggled to imagine how long term sobriety could look for me. And that was bat-**** scary. There is no way I could ever have know how good it would feel to have my integrity back, to form new friendships with other sober people in recovery, to start learning, to see through my fears and anger. It was all beyond my experience. But that didnt mean it wasn't going to happen. It just meant that getting to meetings and this forum to draw on the experience strength and hope of others was, at that point especially, super important for me.
We don't have to do it all at once. The simpe fact is that if every day we wake up and commit to sobriety for that day, and keep on doing the same, then we will remain sober. Not only that - it will get easier with time.
BB x
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