Anniversary. Having a hard day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Anniversary. Having a hard day.
Hi. I utilized this forum pretty heavily a couple of years ago when my spouse was at his worst. A lot has happened. I’ve had a job promotion and we relocated to a different state about 4 months ago. At the same time, my husband became very ill and my parents helped me take him to the hospital. He was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis and has now been sober for 4 months. He lost his job and I was ok with that, as the doctor was advising a LOA. But here we are, 4 months later, and I’m tired. He sits on the couch watching TV all day. Stopped going to counseling, still not drinking as he knows that will kill him.
But today is our anniversary, it’s 2:30pm and he is still in bed. For the last few weeks, the idea of divorce has been entering my mind more and more. And I’m finding myself thinking even more about it today. 11 years of marriage, and we have no children, I pay all the bills, do all of the emotional labor, and the house looks like a frat house. I am angry, tired, sad, and I just don’t know what else to say. It’s a hard day.
This is also our third anniversary where we have no money to do anything special because I am the only one working. The last two were because he couldn’t hold a job due to his alcoholism, this one is because of his recovery. I just don’t know how many more anniversaries I can take like this. My life isn’t what I wanted for myself. I wanted a house. Kids. A family. And instead I have a freeloader that I can’t seem to bring myself to cut loose.
But today is our anniversary, it’s 2:30pm and he is still in bed. For the last few weeks, the idea of divorce has been entering my mind more and more. And I’m finding myself thinking even more about it today. 11 years of marriage, and we have no children, I pay all the bills, do all of the emotional labor, and the house looks like a frat house. I am angry, tired, sad, and I just don’t know what else to say. It’s a hard day.
This is also our third anniversary where we have no money to do anything special because I am the only one working. The last two were because he couldn’t hold a job due to his alcoholism, this one is because of his recovery. I just don’t know how many more anniversaries I can take like this. My life isn’t what I wanted for myself. I wanted a house. Kids. A family. And instead I have a freeloader that I can’t seem to bring myself to cut loose.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Glad you came back to SR, Dj. I remember you from before, and I'm sorry that your situation right now is what it is.
You say this is the 3rd anniversary w/no money b/c of his "recovery"--I would say that maybe he is not drinking, but he is certainly not in recovery. Recovery entails accepting responsibility for himself and his actions. I don't read anything in your post that makes it sound like that's happening...
You came back here for support, so that's a good start. Are you going to Alanon or doing anything else for yourself?
Your life is yours to change and to choose. You do NOT have to continue to live like you have been. Wishing you strength and clarity, Dj.
You say this is the 3rd anniversary w/no money b/c of his "recovery"--I would say that maybe he is not drinking, but he is certainly not in recovery. Recovery entails accepting responsibility for himself and his actions. I don't read anything in your post that makes it sound like that's happening...
You came back here for support, so that's a good start. Are you going to Alanon or doing anything else for yourself?
Your life is yours to change and to choose. You do NOT have to continue to live like you have been. Wishing you strength and clarity, Dj.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Awww, DJ, I am sending you a BIG hug!
Ughhh......it's That Day. Typically a "Happy" day -
But instead - well, it is what is is. Grrrr.....
So sorry you are in this situation; I was in a similar one many years ago, except I had two kids. That made my decision about staying a bit more complicated.
Have you tried Alanon? If not, do you have anyone (in real life) whom you can talk to - who you can or could repeat the last paragraph you just wrote? If not, perhaps a counselor?
However, as you know, you can get good support at this site - but it is pretty quiet on the weekends.
Sounds like you might be on the cusp of making a big decision.
I hope you will reach out here and in real life for support during this time.
Sending more hugs and support from someone who has been there. Hang in there.
(This day is almost over.)
Ughhh......it's That Day. Typically a "Happy" day -
But instead - well, it is what is is. Grrrr.....
So sorry you are in this situation; I was in a similar one many years ago, except I had two kids. That made my decision about staying a bit more complicated.
Have you tried Alanon? If not, do you have anyone (in real life) whom you can talk to - who you can or could repeat the last paragraph you just wrote? If not, perhaps a counselor?
However, as you know, you can get good support at this site - but it is pretty quiet on the weekends.
Sounds like you might be on the cusp of making a big decision.
I hope you will reach out here and in real life for support during this time.
Sending more hugs and support from someone who has been there. Hang in there.
(This day is almost over.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Thanks guys. The words, the thoughts, they mean a lot. It helps just to know I’m not alone. I found a meeting to go to tonight. It will take a lot to get myself there, but I think I can do it. And I know it will help. I thought that him not drinking would bring hope. But I’m feeling pretty hopeless.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DjSmith......as I read through your past threads, I noticed the word hope, in it's various forms, was sprinkled liberally, throughout......
I am not against hope...lol....but, one must have more than just hope....
Around here, it is said that "hope is not a plan"....
As you read through the thousands of real life stories on this forum, you will see that, over and over, people speak of having hope for twenty, thirty, and forty years.....without any kind of observable change....
You are only in your mid thirties, by your other posts....I hope that you don't let that happen to you while chasing hope.....because it can happen.....
I believe that action is what would help you and your husband the most....
He sounds like he is depressed....and, I see that h e has had a therapist in the past.....sitting on the couch, day in and day out is the very worst thing for depression....
If he is still in your age group...he can still live many, many years, possibly...even with drinking, I have seen lots of people do that....yes, the drinking will, eventually do the liver in, but the liver can be shockingly resilient in some people....
What I am saying is, that, there is a lot of life left for both of you....
But, hope in the face of inaction will not allow either of you to enjoy it the way life is meant to be enjoyed.....
I am not against hope...lol....but, one must have more than just hope....
Around here, it is said that "hope is not a plan"....
As you read through the thousands of real life stories on this forum, you will see that, over and over, people speak of having hope for twenty, thirty, and forty years.....without any kind of observable change....
You are only in your mid thirties, by your other posts....I hope that you don't let that happen to you while chasing hope.....because it can happen.....
I believe that action is what would help you and your husband the most....
He sounds like he is depressed....and, I see that h e has had a therapist in the past.....sitting on the couch, day in and day out is the very worst thing for depression....
If he is still in your age group...he can still live many, many years, possibly...even with drinking, I have seen lots of people do that....yes, the drinking will, eventually do the liver in, but the liver can be shockingly resilient in some people....
What I am saying is, that, there is a lot of life left for both of you....
But, hope in the face of inaction will not allow either of you to enjoy it the way life is meant to be enjoyed.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Dj, found a quote in my "Wisdom of SR" folder, posted by a member here, that I wanted to share w/you:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I've been feeling depleted and negative lately so please forgive me if my comment is negative (I have some STBXAH complications -- don't we all?). Your story is so familiar to me. For the past four years, I've had to pay for an plan all our anniversaries. If I wanted to go on a date with my AH, I always had to plan it, remind him of it, and pay for it. I was also okay with him not working, but he stopped going to counseling because he said it didn't "work". He wasn't seeing counseling for addiction, but for depression. He kept taking the drugs. Near the end, despite having spent a decade together, and despite how much I still loved him, I didn't want to live the way he wanted to live. Simple as that. I think that you should bring this issue to a counselor on your own (not couple counseling), because that might help you clarify what you want. It's really hard to let go of something that one has invested so much time and energy and love into. I hope that you and your AH find a way to get past this (if that means you have to break up, I guess that's what is necessary)
Originally Posted by DjSmithsfsd 
Hi. I utilized this forum pretty heavily a couple of years ago when my spouse was at his worst. A lot has happened. I’ve had a job promotion and we relocated to a different state about 4 months ago. At the same time, my husband became very ill and my parents helped me take him to the hospital. He was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis and has now been sober for 4 months. He lost his job and I was ok with that, as the doctor was advising a LOA. But here we are, 4 months later, and I’m tired. He sits on the couch watching TV all day. Stopped going to counseling, still not drinking as he knows that will kill him.
But today is our anniversary, it’s 2:30pm and he is still in bed. For the last few weeks, the idea of divorce has been entering my mind more and more. And I’m finding myself thinking even more about it today. 11 years of marriage, and we have no children, I pay all the bills, do all of the emotional labor, and the house looks like a frat house. I am angry, tired, sad, and I just don’t know what else to say. It’s a hard day.
This is also our third anniversary where we have no money to do anything special because I am the only one working. The last two were because he couldn’t hold a job due to his alcoholism, this one is because of his recovery. I just don’t know how many more anniversaries I can take like this. My life isn’t what I wanted for myself. I wanted a house. Kids. A family. And instead I have a freeloader that I can’t seem to bring myself to cut loose.
But today is our anniversary, it’s 2:30pm and he is still in bed. For the last few weeks, the idea of divorce has been entering my mind more and more. And I’m finding myself thinking even more about it today. 11 years of marriage, and we have no children, I pay all the bills, do all of the emotional labor, and the house looks like a frat house. I am angry, tired, sad, and I just don’t know what else to say. It’s a hard day.
This is also our third anniversary where we have no money to do anything special because I am the only one working. The last two were because he couldn’t hold a job due to his alcoholism, this one is because of his recovery. I just don’t know how many more anniversaries I can take like this. My life isn’t what I wanted for myself. I wanted a house. Kids. A family. And instead I have a freeloader that I can’t seem to bring myself to cut loose.
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