Lee6969

I have been lurking in the background for a few days, just reading the threads...to embarassed to post. But then I saw several posts of people in the same boat without a paddle as I am.

I have been a wine drinker for the past 20 years Chardonnay my DOC. At first it was 2 glasses with dinner. I've now graduated to two bottles daily. I'm ashamed of myself, full of self hate. I wake up daily repeating, I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY, but I fail and buy a bottle around noon,

Routine lab work showed my liver enzymes were elevated. I told the untruth to my doctor saying I only have 2 glasses a day. She advised me to abstain from alcohol for 2 -3 weeks and have another blood test. Even that did not stop me.. I am taking Milk Thistle and tomorrow I will go on the wagon. I'm patiently waiting for noon so I can buy a bottle. I've never had a hangover, black-out, or a DUI or the shakes from not drinking. Therefore, I have no regrets from drinking except for I am ruining my health at 57. I guess you can say I am a functional alcoholic. But when I do drink too much I lash out at my partner with verbal abuse. That led to the cause of a fresh break-up, which I am still reeling over.
I work from home which is very easy to reach the fridge.
I want to stop so desperately for the sake of my health but I don't know how. I don't have a lot of friends and my daughter and family members are on the other side of the US.

I plan tomorrow to keep SA up in the background on my laptop and if I feel the urge to drink, I will go through the threads.

Today I am Day 0, hoping Monday will be Day 1. I will have a Sober Sunday if it kills me.. This forum is wonderful.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome This is a great place for support and strength. How about throwing the bottle away and making today your day 1. You'll feel miles better for it. Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?

courage2

Hi Lee! You're in the same situation many of us were -- I was a physical and mental wreck at 50. Couldn't seem to quit, despite each night's despair & each morning's vague wish that I wouldn't drink again.

Take that thought "I will not drink today" and make it happen. Why buy a bottle at noon? You don't have to. Early recovery is kind of rough, but you'll find lots of tips here for getting through it.

Then after a while I promise you'll look around and find that the whole universe is a better place not seen through the eyes of chardonnay.

I hope you make the right decision. You don't have to live like this.

Darth Paul

One day at a time.Remember to give yourself credit that you want to change.I wish you peace and happiness.

biminiblue

I agree. Day One today is a better decision.

Tomorrow will come with its own stuff.

No need for another bottle, right?

Lee6969

I want to put off the bottle today at noon, but I am scared. As I type, I am making a list of things to do "tomorrow" out of the house. I do promise that tomorrow if I feel the urge, I will always keep SR up on my laptop and look at the threads.

I am thankful to have found this forum. I need to do it for my health. I use the excuse that Milk Thistle will lower my enzymes but I am only lying to myself.

biminiblue

I was scared, too.

Absolutely nothing to be scared of. Plan a good dinner and early bed. Maybe change the sheets.

Tomorrow morning can begin with gratitude instead of self-loathing.

Josh123

Hello! I am new myself - welcome! I am on day 11. It is a struggle but it is worth it!

Keep reaching out to people here (I will too).

Lee6969

Thank you everbody for the support. I think at noon, I will go in my bedroom and meditate for an hour. Then I shower, pack my dinner and get ready for the nightshift as I do on the weekends. Can't drink or smoke there.

I am one of those weird, "in the closet" functional alcoholics that function quite well on Chardonnay. Even on two bottles...I hate it and want to move into sobriety. Now it is affecting my health. Praying this scared me into sobriety. I am 57 and I am not a self destructive person.

My partner is an alcoholic also, hard licquor, shots of vodka that he needed every morning. I miss him and I love him, but I am trying to help myself get healthy and sober. I guess I needed a doctor to tell me that something is cooking inside of me. I plan on when I am two weeks sober to go get a repeat of my labs and tell her the truth. Alcoholism has such a stigma attached to it, but the truth shall set you free.

biminiblue

Lee, I'm going to gently suggest that people at work and your doctor both already know.

We think we're fooling people, but it's almost never the case.

Don't go to the store. Take a different route when you leave the house - away from the liquor store.

I always take a walk outdoors, it serves as meditation and healing. You can do this.

courage2

Someone defined a functional alcoholic -- "I kept my job but I lost my soul."

People are made to be more than empty & functional. Don't drink today!

Mandy73

Hi Lee I'm 44 and I also have a decades long drinking career. I was a 4-5 day a week binge drinker, wine and beer mostly. I started also having health concerns which motivated me to make a change. I'm almost 30 days sober and it feels like the best choice I've ever very made ! I hope you will work this sobriety thing with me. Also check out Sober Sassy Life by Jackie Elliot online. She's a blogger, author , and fellow survivor of wine and I think she's just amazing. She just really gets it. Glad you are here!!

Lee6969

Thanks Mandy!

I did download her first podcast earlier in the day.. I am planning on watching the entire cast when I get home from work tonight.

Linners820

I found Laura McKowan's website this morning and related to a lot of what she has to say. She has podcasts as well, if you're interested.

Mandy73

Awesome let me know what you think Lee!
I will check it out too Linners ty!

Dee74

I don't know of a single person who wasn't scared to get sober Lee.
The rewards tho - totally worth it.

I got the real me back

It's a leap of faith - but a pretty safe one - you're not alone

D

Hevyn

Good to meet you, Lee. I wish I'd gotten sober in my 40's - I did so much needless damage. Be proud of yourself for taking charge of your life.

Drinking turned me into a confrontational, obnoxious person. The exact opposite of the real me. I have no idea why I clung to it for so long. I guess I was remembering the fun it once was. I was drinking every day in the end, completely dependent on it & out of control. SR helped me find the courage to get free of it, & I now have almost 10 yrs. sober. As Dee said, we are all afraid of letting go. You can do it, Lee!