I don't hate myself when I'm sober
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 14
I don't hate myself when I'm sober
It's Friday night - it's been 7 days since I've drank. This time a week ago I was black out drunk. I had made a fool of myself, could've/should've been arrested, could have killed myself, really upset some people, and on and on. I think it had been a 6 week or so bender.
I feel a lot of shame and humiliation. I feel bad about the things I've done and the pain I've caused. I really hate who I am when I drink. Even way before I get black out drunk or my personality does one of those bizarre changes. I think I'm funny but im sarcastic, obnoxious and cruel. I think im cool but I wear a stupid dulled look on my face. I think I'm amorous but im clumsy and potentially lecherous. I think im daring or brave but im foolish. I feel deep and philosophical but I'm critical, simple, and unsympathetic.
If asked to describe myself I'd say I'm honest to a fault. I had a conversation about that with my wife this week - I was saying how I hate that it made a liar out of me...she got a funny look on her face. I kind of went on about talking about how I would hide or lie about how many I had or when I had them and I had to stop. She said she realized I could lie a while back, I thought she was referring to some things that had happened a few years back but no...she had come to realize years ago that I could and would lie. It was not any one instance...it was a body of evidence that had begun to grow. She told me that when she married me she was so sure of my moral compass but that isn't how she would describe me today.
I am a lucky guy. I think many people would find the next thing said after something like would be "and so now it's time for you to go..." She didn't.
But where I am it's life or death. If I get in any trouble with the law, it will dramatically alter my career. There's the scary thought that I could have seriously injured or killed myself with my antics. And there's the distinct possibility of actually poisoning myself to death with my ability to consume.
See earlier this year had an opportunity to have my blood alcohol content measured. It was probably a3 hours after i had left the bottle of vodka behind and switch to drinking (guzzling) pints of nearly 10% IPA's. It takes a little while before they can get you to the machine, there's some paperwork and a little ride so it's not right when your BAC is at its highest. It was .28 and I was still only pre-gaming...it was 6:00. And I fully intended to return to the remainder of the vodka...I know this because after I hung out waiting for my BAC to go down to .08 (they kind of insisted on it), I picked up my car from the towing company, took care of the one crucial work item for the day and had returned to the vodka with more beer and was drunk by 1:00. So I recognize that left with the right poison for a seemingly short amount of time, I have the capacity to literally kill myself with it. That's on top of the sometimes suicidal feelings I have sometimes around and during black outs.
So back to the lying, which explains a lot of the shame. I'm done with it. I know that's going to take some time to demonstrate that to loved ones and it really can't be rushed. It's kind of like the user name I picked - PerplexednLost...that's a lie too I realized: I'm not confused, I know where I am and how I got here. I thought about changing it, but for now every time I log in I'm going to remind myself what a liar alcohol has made me and how it nearly ruined my marriage and my life.
And this week has not been all white knuckle and ignoring cravings. Kids are awesome with how fast they come around because they just want everything to be ok. It's been great spending time with them. And my wife's steadfast support is absolutely humbling.
And I really like not throwing up or having a wicked headache or wondering what I did in the morning. It kind of makes me feel like an adult.
And sending positive thoughts and energy and prayers to everyone on this site...being on here is really helping me not feel alone with all this.
I feel a lot of shame and humiliation. I feel bad about the things I've done and the pain I've caused. I really hate who I am when I drink. Even way before I get black out drunk or my personality does one of those bizarre changes. I think I'm funny but im sarcastic, obnoxious and cruel. I think im cool but I wear a stupid dulled look on my face. I think I'm amorous but im clumsy and potentially lecherous. I think im daring or brave but im foolish. I feel deep and philosophical but I'm critical, simple, and unsympathetic.
If asked to describe myself I'd say I'm honest to a fault. I had a conversation about that with my wife this week - I was saying how I hate that it made a liar out of me...she got a funny look on her face. I kind of went on about talking about how I would hide or lie about how many I had or when I had them and I had to stop. She said she realized I could lie a while back, I thought she was referring to some things that had happened a few years back but no...she had come to realize years ago that I could and would lie. It was not any one instance...it was a body of evidence that had begun to grow. She told me that when she married me she was so sure of my moral compass but that isn't how she would describe me today.
I am a lucky guy. I think many people would find the next thing said after something like would be "and so now it's time for you to go..." She didn't.
But where I am it's life or death. If I get in any trouble with the law, it will dramatically alter my career. There's the scary thought that I could have seriously injured or killed myself with my antics. And there's the distinct possibility of actually poisoning myself to death with my ability to consume.
See earlier this year had an opportunity to have my blood alcohol content measured. It was probably a3 hours after i had left the bottle of vodka behind and switch to drinking (guzzling) pints of nearly 10% IPA's. It takes a little while before they can get you to the machine, there's some paperwork and a little ride so it's not right when your BAC is at its highest. It was .28 and I was still only pre-gaming...it was 6:00. And I fully intended to return to the remainder of the vodka...I know this because after I hung out waiting for my BAC to go down to .08 (they kind of insisted on it), I picked up my car from the towing company, took care of the one crucial work item for the day and had returned to the vodka with more beer and was drunk by 1:00. So I recognize that left with the right poison for a seemingly short amount of time, I have the capacity to literally kill myself with it. That's on top of the sometimes suicidal feelings I have sometimes around and during black outs.
So back to the lying, which explains a lot of the shame. I'm done with it. I know that's going to take some time to demonstrate that to loved ones and it really can't be rushed. It's kind of like the user name I picked - PerplexednLost...that's a lie too I realized: I'm not confused, I know where I am and how I got here. I thought about changing it, but for now every time I log in I'm going to remind myself what a liar alcohol has made me and how it nearly ruined my marriage and my life.
And this week has not been all white knuckle and ignoring cravings. Kids are awesome with how fast they come around because they just want everything to be ok. It's been great spending time with them. And my wife's steadfast support is absolutely humbling.
And I really like not throwing up or having a wicked headache or wondering what I did in the morning. It kind of makes me feel like an adult.
And sending positive thoughts and energy and prayers to everyone on this site...being on here is really helping me not feel alone with all this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Welcome.
I bet you'll meet a lot of people here with a similar story, or parts. I know you have hit many characteristics I had while drinking.
I hope you can find your truth and continue with it. Stick around!
I bet you'll meet a lot of people here with a similar story, or parts. I know you have hit many characteristics I had while drinking.
I hope you can find your truth and continue with it. Stick around!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Welcome to SR and sharing with us ,your story will be familiar to many here.
You realise its time to get out of the insanity of drinking vast amounts of alcohol .
You know if you continue you WILL get worse and WILL lose everything . You have a wonderful wife and kids who support you , don't lose that .
You realise its time to get out of the insanity of drinking vast amounts of alcohol .
You know if you continue you WILL get worse and WILL lose everything . You have a wonderful wife and kids who support you , don't lose that .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Hi PerplexednLost. Thanks very much for posting and sharing your story, A large chunk of it I could have written myself. I had a similar black out night a couple of months ago that led me to this site. It has been a game changer for me. From the sounds of it you are ready to call time on your own BS and face up to the alcoholic behaviours that need to change. Good for you! It's not easy but it more than worth it. I can't tell you how much better I am beginning to feel and hopeful/grateful for the future. A big part of that is gaining back some self-esteem and feeling like I am beginning to understand what alcohol is and how it has effected my life. Armed with information! Stick with it. Read everything on here and remember, all the things you have described about yourself above can change and will change when you remove drinking as an option in your life. All support to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Good job on making positive steps towards recovery. All too many mornings I shared your anxiety about the night before, the splitting headaches, and the morning yacks... I hated myself and my mere existence made me sick. It is great having a supportive wife and family as I share those two things. U have made great strides in my relationships with my kids but it'll take a while to get them to a point I feel good about. They are both very young but I think they knew when I drank... They could tell something was off. And well my wife... She's supportive. Will I ever make it back to how it relationship was when we were first married or first engaged etc? I don't know. But I can certainly try to get it back. I hope it works.
We have a lot to lose by drinking and lucky we have not lost it yet.
We have a lot to lose by drinking and lucky we have not lost it yet.
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