You don't have to do anything you don't want to
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
You don't have to do anything you don't want to
Wow. That worked!
This is a long winded story to show that you do not have to do anything you do not want to. You can say no. You can simply NOT participate.
There is this older man who walks around my little village all day long. Like, all.day.long. He passes by my house multiple times a day. There is something not quite right about him, this is very evident. He has always been friendly and I have always greeted him with a sunny smile and asked how he is doing, etc.
Well several weeks ago he stopped by my gate and asked me to come talk to him. I did. He proceeded to ask me if it would be ok if he stopped by my house "two to three times a week" so that we could "make love" I laughed it off and told him in no uncertain terms no. I pushed off his repeated begging and declarations of love and sent him on his way with a friendly goodbye. Well, what was once a funny little situation from a not all there mentally/seemingly harmless guy has turned into full on harassment. I can no longer be outside without him stopping at my gate and yelling for me to come over and talk to him so that he may once again ask me to have sex with him. I have gone over each time, giving in to his repeated calls, and explained over and over again that it is not going to happen and to stop asking me. I am SICK of it.
Well just now he stopped by again. I am sitting outside with my coffee, reading around SR, trying to enjoy a peaceful morning. "Buongiorno" he calls out and asks me again to come over. This morning I decided to do what I wanted to do, which is not to engage at all. I didn't even turn my head to acknowledge him, I didn't grudgingly say "buongiorno" Nothing. I pretended he was not there and carried on about my business while he repeatedly tried to get me to talk to him.
Want to know what happened? He just left! After a few failed attempts he just moved on. It feels so liberating not to give into that and to not have to do something I did not want to do. It feels fantastic to see the positive results of NOT doing something I do not want to do.
I think we alcoholics have a really hard time saying "no" or not doing something we feel pressured to do. We have to remember it is ok to say no. It is ok to have our own desires to live life the way we want.
This is a long winded story to show that you do not have to do anything you do not want to. You can say no. You can simply NOT participate.
There is this older man who walks around my little village all day long. Like, all.day.long. He passes by my house multiple times a day. There is something not quite right about him, this is very evident. He has always been friendly and I have always greeted him with a sunny smile and asked how he is doing, etc.
Well several weeks ago he stopped by my gate and asked me to come talk to him. I did. He proceeded to ask me if it would be ok if he stopped by my house "two to three times a week" so that we could "make love" I laughed it off and told him in no uncertain terms no. I pushed off his repeated begging and declarations of love and sent him on his way with a friendly goodbye. Well, what was once a funny little situation from a not all there mentally/seemingly harmless guy has turned into full on harassment. I can no longer be outside without him stopping at my gate and yelling for me to come over and talk to him so that he may once again ask me to have sex with him. I have gone over each time, giving in to his repeated calls, and explained over and over again that it is not going to happen and to stop asking me. I am SICK of it.
Well just now he stopped by again. I am sitting outside with my coffee, reading around SR, trying to enjoy a peaceful morning. "Buongiorno" he calls out and asks me again to come over. This morning I decided to do what I wanted to do, which is not to engage at all. I didn't even turn my head to acknowledge him, I didn't grudgingly say "buongiorno" Nothing. I pretended he was not there and carried on about my business while he repeatedly tried to get me to talk to him.
Want to know what happened? He just left! After a few failed attempts he just moved on. It feels so liberating not to give into that and to not have to do something I did not want to do. It feels fantastic to see the positive results of NOT doing something I do not want to do.
I think we alcoholics have a really hard time saying "no" or not doing something we feel pressured to do. We have to remember it is ok to say no. It is ok to have our own desires to live life the way we want.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 29
Meraviglioso and all, I am working on saying no more. I am definitely a people pleaser and have been that way my whole life. I see improvements at my workplace, with being more politely direct with people. I'm tired of being a doormat and it's absolutely a great point you make about saying no and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Oh, yuck. Mera.
Good for you for ignoring him. Hope that stops the crazy behavior.
If not, find his caregivers and tell them to keep him home or you will go to the authorities.
He should not be out unsupervised.
Good for you for ignoring him. Hope that stops the crazy behavior.
If not, find his caregivers and tell them to keep him home or you will go to the authorities.
He should not be out unsupervised.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Mera, I love this!
Saying 'No' to anything was absolutely terrifying for me. And, of course, going along with what everyone wanted, made me feel miserable. Saying 'No' or, in your case, not responding at all, has been empowering. Fantastic!
Saying 'No' to anything was absolutely terrifying for me. And, of course, going along with what everyone wanted, made me feel miserable. Saying 'No' or, in your case, not responding at all, has been empowering. Fantastic!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 75
This is something I've been working on in conjunction with stopping alcohol.
It seems it goes hand in hand. Not only am I getting myself free of alcohol but I'm working toward the life I really want in spite of social and work related pressures.
It seems it goes hand in hand. Not only am I getting myself free of alcohol but I'm working toward the life I really want in spite of social and work related pressures.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
This is a VERY interesting subject!
Is the inability to say no an alcoholic's problem or a female problem?
How many people who responded here are male?
Is it just the fact that all members here are alcoholics and those that responded are the ones that are people-pleasers? Over-lapping circles.
I'm an alcoholic and female, but not a people-pleaser.
Is the inability to say no an alcoholic's problem or a female problem?
How many people who responded here are male?
Is it just the fact that all members here are alcoholics and those that responded are the ones that are people-pleasers? Over-lapping circles.
I'm an alcoholic and female, but not a people-pleaser.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
How do you say, "I will no longer talk to you because you are nasty and disrespectful" in Italian?
Okay, he ain't right, as we used to say in the Northeast, but if he's well enough to be out walking around alone he's well enough to be called out on his behavior.
Okay, he ain't right, as we used to say in the Northeast, but if he's well enough to be out walking around alone he's well enough to be called out on his behavior.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Oh dear , on one hand you feel sorry as hes old and not quite with it but you need your privacy and respect . I live next door to an old lady 87 years old . My wife and I try our best to be pleasant and neighbourly but shes really hard work .
Once she gets your attention she wants to gossip and complain about anything and everything . She will interrupt us while we have our outdoor coffee and won,t go away . Yes its sad shes elderly but has all her marbles and is just downright nasty about people ,there,s no excuse for that and like your post Mera I now ( against my nature ) deliberately ignore her and pretend to do some little job like deadheading flowers . Lol sound petty but some people are so trying .
Once she gets your attention she wants to gossip and complain about anything and everything . She will interrupt us while we have our outdoor coffee and won,t go away . Yes its sad shes elderly but has all her marbles and is just downright nasty about people ,there,s no excuse for that and like your post Mera I now ( against my nature ) deliberately ignore her and pretend to do some little job like deadheading flowers . Lol sound petty but some people are so trying .
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Some people will do anything to push your buttons. Not reacting is the best way to put a stop to it, as they no longer get any sort of payoff.
Took me years to figure out this was the best way to handle crazy bosses and famkly. You can't completely ignore them, but I find it useful to make myself as emotional as a computer and they eventually get bored with the game. If you get upset and react, they win.
Took me years to figure out this was the best way to handle crazy bosses and famkly. You can't completely ignore them, but I find it useful to make myself as emotional as a computer and they eventually get bored with the game. If you get upset and react, they win.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm sorry you had to go through that, Mera.
I'm another one who has a problem with 'no'. I've put myself in many awkward -even dangerous - situations because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It feels so good to get free of the guilt & intimidation. Good job.
I'm another one who has a problem with 'no'. I've put myself in many awkward -even dangerous - situations because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It feels so good to get free of the guilt & intimidation. Good job.
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