How to manage anger?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
How to manage anger?
Looking for some other people's experience here with emotional regulation:
I won't rehearse my whole backstory (active alcoholic ex-husband, kid endangered by his drinking, joint custody on paper but kid living with me for the past year because ex is drunk and in and out of rehab, court, gutters, peeing in his bed, you name it. Just went through private binding arbitration process to determine custody).
Two things happened:
1. The arbitrator contacted me to say she wanted an additional $1000 before she released her judgment because her work on this file was more complex than expected - $500 from me, $500 from ex. I paid up. Ex didn't. Arbitrator decided she would "write down" her bill by $500 rather than pursue ex to pay. So I pay $500 for no apparent reason and he pays $0.
2. The judgment, when I got it, is a mess. Kid's name is spelled wrong throughout, and that's the least of it. It does not reflect the agreements we came to in mediation and sets out a lot of vague, contradictory and unenforceable provisos for how ex can work towards getting more access to kid. I am fine with the idea of a "roadmap" that will give ex more access if he can demonstrate sobriety, but not with a judgment that says things like "Ex will use SoberLink before visiting Kid" (as distinct from "Ex will provide breath sample 30 minutes before scheduled commencement of visit, every two hours after the first test, and 30 minutes after Kid is returned to Mom. Any missed or failed test will result immediate termination of visits" ... and that's just one example). It's full of loopholes that a manipulative alcoholic can drive right through, especially a smart and malicious one, who sees this whole process as me being a b!tch who is trying to control his life.
These two things have made me absolutely wrought up with anger. It isn't rage - I'm not yelling or hitting things or stomping around - but it's a burning furious sensation which is the culmination of years of having to deal with ex's crap, and having to deal with other people (like this arbitrator) who don't seem to grasp that you can't just accept an alcoholic's word when he says he is going to stop drinking (as has been demonstrated over and over ...). I am going to seek amendments to the judgment so that it actually reflects what we agreed on, which will cost me more money that I am rapidly running out of, and I am going to pursue an itemized receipt for the additional $500 that I paid and ex didn't.
There is a question at the end of all of this - how do other people deal with the enormous anger that wells up from time to time when we have to continuously clean up the chaos of irresponsible, deceitful addicts (like the one I am stuck with because he's the father of my child)? It is not good to be burning up with anger. I know all the AlAnon wisdom about accepting situations for what they are, but just reading about detachment isn't doing it for me when I feel like I've been screwed over again, this time by a process which I entered into in good faith believing that this would help to pacify and resolve a situation? Any thoughts are welcome!
I won't rehearse my whole backstory (active alcoholic ex-husband, kid endangered by his drinking, joint custody on paper but kid living with me for the past year because ex is drunk and in and out of rehab, court, gutters, peeing in his bed, you name it. Just went through private binding arbitration process to determine custody).
Two things happened:
1. The arbitrator contacted me to say she wanted an additional $1000 before she released her judgment because her work on this file was more complex than expected - $500 from me, $500 from ex. I paid up. Ex didn't. Arbitrator decided she would "write down" her bill by $500 rather than pursue ex to pay. So I pay $500 for no apparent reason and he pays $0.
2. The judgment, when I got it, is a mess. Kid's name is spelled wrong throughout, and that's the least of it. It does not reflect the agreements we came to in mediation and sets out a lot of vague, contradictory and unenforceable provisos for how ex can work towards getting more access to kid. I am fine with the idea of a "roadmap" that will give ex more access if he can demonstrate sobriety, but not with a judgment that says things like "Ex will use SoberLink before visiting Kid" (as distinct from "Ex will provide breath sample 30 minutes before scheduled commencement of visit, every two hours after the first test, and 30 minutes after Kid is returned to Mom. Any missed or failed test will result immediate termination of visits" ... and that's just one example). It's full of loopholes that a manipulative alcoholic can drive right through, especially a smart and malicious one, who sees this whole process as me being a b!tch who is trying to control his life.
These two things have made me absolutely wrought up with anger. It isn't rage - I'm not yelling or hitting things or stomping around - but it's a burning furious sensation which is the culmination of years of having to deal with ex's crap, and having to deal with other people (like this arbitrator) who don't seem to grasp that you can't just accept an alcoholic's word when he says he is going to stop drinking (as has been demonstrated over and over ...). I am going to seek amendments to the judgment so that it actually reflects what we agreed on, which will cost me more money that I am rapidly running out of, and I am going to pursue an itemized receipt for the additional $500 that I paid and ex didn't.
There is a question at the end of all of this - how do other people deal with the enormous anger that wells up from time to time when we have to continuously clean up the chaos of irresponsible, deceitful addicts (like the one I am stuck with because he's the father of my child)? It is not good to be burning up with anger. I know all the AlAnon wisdom about accepting situations for what they are, but just reading about detachment isn't doing it for me when I feel like I've been screwed over again, this time by a process which I entered into in good faith believing that this would help to pacify and resolve a situation? Any thoughts are welcome!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Shasha hugs. I have been angry over the last six weeks over a matter that is OT to the point of becoming spiteful.
I have finally released that anger that you have described. I had to come to the point of acceptence. I have no control over this other person either.
I had to accept the control I did have to fix the problem. I wish I didn't have to dwell with their bad choices.
I had to realize acting angry and not acting in my value system was not going to change what happened. I had to stay calm and rational. I needed to focus on the big things.
I had to focus on interests that I enjoyed so my life wouldn't become about this problem. Activity for me like gardening and walking the dog and reaching out to support systems.
Shasha write out those needed changes. Have your lawyer involved. Maybe your lawyer can get x to pay 250 and additional charges. Don't let this consume you.
I have finally released that anger that you have described. I had to come to the point of acceptence. I have no control over this other person either.
I had to accept the control I did have to fix the problem. I wish I didn't have to dwell with their bad choices.
I had to realize acting angry and not acting in my value system was not going to change what happened. I had to stay calm and rational. I needed to focus on the big things.
I had to focus on interests that I enjoyed so my life wouldn't become about this problem. Activity for me like gardening and walking the dog and reaching out to support systems.
Shasha write out those needed changes. Have your lawyer involved. Maybe your lawyer can get x to pay 250 and additional charges. Don't let this consume you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Two things come to mind. Bear in mind that I do not know how arbitration works as far as billing and courts, etc.
First, if the document handed to me was not correct according to our many discussions and meetings, I would hand it back and say "try again".
Second, I would explain to the arbitrator that she could either bill the ex for the $500, bill the ex for $250 and refund $250 to me, or refund all my money....period.
And then, I would get in my car and scream while beating on the steering wheel
Try it! It's not bad!
First, if the document handed to me was not correct according to our many discussions and meetings, I would hand it back and say "try again".
Second, I would explain to the arbitrator that she could either bill the ex for the $500, bill the ex for $250 and refund $250 to me, or refund all my money....period.
And then, I would get in my car and scream while beating on the steering wheel
Try it! It's not bad!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Sasha, now I feel angry with you.
First up, you have the right to feel really peed off, so anger in itself isn't unnatural, but if it's affecting your judgement, relationship with others or peace of mind, maybe sit down and write an abusive letter to him and the arbitrator.
I'm horrified about the arbitrator who must be letting down her professional standards. Is there a professional body you can complain to?
You shouldn't have to pay another cent to get her to correct her unenforceable judgement. Get the name right, be specific about the sobriety clauses, correct the contradictions. It's of no use to either you or your AH.
Sorry I'm getting worked up now but I hate to see someone like you having to fight for the least help in protecting DD.
First up, you have the right to feel really peed off, so anger in itself isn't unnatural, but if it's affecting your judgement, relationship with others or peace of mind, maybe sit down and write an abusive letter to him and the arbitrator.
I'm horrified about the arbitrator who must be letting down her professional standards. Is there a professional body you can complain to?
You shouldn't have to pay another cent to get her to correct her unenforceable judgement. Get the name right, be specific about the sobriety clauses, correct the contradictions. It's of no use to either you or your AH.
Sorry I'm getting worked up now but I hate to see someone like you having to fight for the least help in protecting DD.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Idk anything about arbitration, but I'm well versed in anger. I scream it out sitting in my closet, I work it out physically through exercise, I break stuff (like old glass), I heave rocks into lakes, etc. The whole time I let myself run off at the mouth, unfiltered, about everything that is peeving me off. Basically I transmute the energy of my anger into some kind of physical action in order to purge it out.... If I just handle it mentally, it simmers and burns and continues to grow like a bad seed. I've ended up with shin splints from walking so hard/fast during a rage a couple of times, but that is still easier to heal from than letting that anger grow unchecked.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
Uuuuggghhh I'm so sorry you are going through this and forced to pay for it on top of everything. When I really need to get rid of anger that is consuming me (btw used this for years with our Autistic son its the only thing that helped), I go and pick out a piņata hopefully one that resembles the person but in a pinch Elmo is annoying as well and take 30 minutes to beat it up. Baseball bat, broom stick whatever. Once your are physically exhausted its amazing the anger is gone. I promise I'm not crazy it really really helps, p.s. let your kids have a go they don't need to know who the piņata is. Best of luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Hi all,
Quick update - had a meeting with my lawyer yesterday. He confirmed that the arbitrator's judgment was indeed botched. He described it as "the worst work I have seen coming out of her office" and surmises it was prepared by a law student with no supervision. We drew up a paragraph-by-paragraph list of the revisions needed to make it conform to the agreements that we reached through hours of mediation/arbitration with ex.
To his credit, my lawyer said he would take on the work needed to amend the judgment at no cost to me. Even though the screwup wasn't his fault at all, he says that because he was the one recommending I pursue mediation/arbitration rather than court, he feels a responsibility to make it right. He is going to get hold of ex's lawyer and if both of them can agree to say to the arbitrator "hey, you screwed this up, here is what our clients actually agreed to", the arbitrator has the power to revise her judgment. So it may be a matter of just waiting a bit longer rather than going back to zero.
A vague or ambiguous order is in ex's interests as well as mine. As it stands, because Kid is living with me, if I were malicious or vindictive, I could say "you're never seeing your daughter again because you're a drunk and I don't think it's safe" ... and given his record, there's nothing he could do about it. A properly written order means that I can't withhold Kid as long as he is compliant with the provisions of the order (which are pretty basic - don't harass me or anyone else, don't get into any more trouble with law enforcement, and provide clean SoberLink tests on schedule - beyond that, do whatever you want), as well as putting boundaries on the conditions under which he gets to see Kid (third-party supervision, short daytime visits, and proof he's sober while he's with her).
Quick update - had a meeting with my lawyer yesterday. He confirmed that the arbitrator's judgment was indeed botched. He described it as "the worst work I have seen coming out of her office" and surmises it was prepared by a law student with no supervision. We drew up a paragraph-by-paragraph list of the revisions needed to make it conform to the agreements that we reached through hours of mediation/arbitration with ex.
To his credit, my lawyer said he would take on the work needed to amend the judgment at no cost to me. Even though the screwup wasn't his fault at all, he says that because he was the one recommending I pursue mediation/arbitration rather than court, he feels a responsibility to make it right. He is going to get hold of ex's lawyer and if both of them can agree to say to the arbitrator "hey, you screwed this up, here is what our clients actually agreed to", the arbitrator has the power to revise her judgment. So it may be a matter of just waiting a bit longer rather than going back to zero.
A vague or ambiguous order is in ex's interests as well as mine. As it stands, because Kid is living with me, if I were malicious or vindictive, I could say "you're never seeing your daughter again because you're a drunk and I don't think it's safe" ... and given his record, there's nothing he could do about it. A properly written order means that I can't withhold Kid as long as he is compliant with the provisions of the order (which are pretty basic - don't harass me or anyone else, don't get into any more trouble with law enforcement, and provide clean SoberLink tests on schedule - beyond that, do whatever you want), as well as putting boundaries on the conditions under which he gets to see Kid (third-party supervision, short daytime visits, and proof he's sober while he's with her).
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
What a relief, Sasha. I'm glad it sounds like things will work out--eventually. That whole you-have-to-pay-but-he-doesn't-have-to-pay thing really set off my Libra alarm: NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR!
I have to second and third other posters' recommendation for exercise. I, too, have had several much-needed emotional releases following a session of vigorous exercise, and this seems to sustain me pretty well until AXBF does the next idiotic and/or infuriating thing.
I also learned a little trick from an old self help book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." (No, I am not saying that your situation is "small stuff.") When something happens that angers you or otherwise upsets you, you're supposed to ask yourself: will this matter a year from now? Obviously, the order will matter a year from now, but the money? Perhaps not.
I hope this helps rather than seems like I'm trying to make light of your situation.
I have to second and third other posters' recommendation for exercise. I, too, have had several much-needed emotional releases following a session of vigorous exercise, and this seems to sustain me pretty well until AXBF does the next idiotic and/or infuriating thing.
I also learned a little trick from an old self help book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." (No, I am not saying that your situation is "small stuff.") When something happens that angers you or otherwise upsets you, you're supposed to ask yourself: will this matter a year from now? Obviously, the order will matter a year from now, but the money? Perhaps not.
I hope this helps rather than seems like I'm trying to make light of your situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you in this tough time. Regarding anger, what helps me is talking it over with a non-judgemental friend or therapist. And, asking myself: "what's MY part in this?" It may only be I picked him. I'll do almost anything to stop a jerk from living rent-free in my head.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks all for your sympathy and encouragement. Today ex had a third-party supervised visit with Kid (third-party was a friend of his whom I also know and trust). Ex did not submit a SoberLink test 30 minutes after the end of the visit, which is what we agreed on in mediation. He submitted a test 59 minutes after the end of the visit. It was clean for alcohol, but it was half an hour late. His reason?
...
(dramatic buildup)
...
his SoberLink app didn't work because ...
...
IT WAS WINDY OUTSIDE!
Apparently wind messes up the Internet. It blows the wifi away or something. (It was not particularly windy or otherwise blustery today).
This is the third week in a row that he has screwed up the post-visit test. All of these visits were supervised and he was not obviously drinking, but who knows? The point is that if I can't trust him to adhere to a very simple and painless agreement which is not rocket science, I can't trust him, period.
I could have had an attack of anger, but instead I managed to say to myself "He's being a (quacking) jerk because that is what he does. He's setting himself up to have only limited and supervised access to Kid for the indefinite future. I can live with this, even though it sucks for Kid. He will stop being a jerk (or quacking like a jerk) only when and if he decides to stop being a jerk. Nothing new here".
So in this instance, sanity 1, anger 0.
...
(dramatic buildup)
...
his SoberLink app didn't work because ...
...
IT WAS WINDY OUTSIDE!
Apparently wind messes up the Internet. It blows the wifi away or something. (It was not particularly windy or otherwise blustery today).
This is the third week in a row that he has screwed up the post-visit test. All of these visits were supervised and he was not obviously drinking, but who knows? The point is that if I can't trust him to adhere to a very simple and painless agreement which is not rocket science, I can't trust him, period.
I could have had an attack of anger, but instead I managed to say to myself "He's being a (quacking) jerk because that is what he does. He's setting himself up to have only limited and supervised access to Kid for the indefinite future. I can live with this, even though it sucks for Kid. He will stop being a jerk (or quacking like a jerk) only when and if he decides to stop being a jerk. Nothing new here".
So in this instance, sanity 1, anger 0.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. You are right. He is sitting himself up, and you just need to document and take the appropriate action, which you are doing.
Big hugs. You have gotten great advise. I found that anger was eating me alive for a time in my life, absolutely miserable. Don't let it control you friend.
Big hugs. You have gotten great advise. I found that anger was eating me alive for a time in my life, absolutely miserable. Don't let it control you friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I apologize for coming in late with support, been away. Questions of anger aside, in that position I would be grateful that the S.O. is pitching easy ones right over the plate- easy to document and no strings- just plain old sad, sodden dysfunction. Maybe that $500 is the price of getting clarity and legal if not emotional settlement. As far as what to do with anger, got to drop that stuff as fast as you can get your hands off it. Which, of course, is the tricky bit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Looking for some other people's experience here with emotional regulation:
I won't rehearse my whole backstory (active alcoholic ex-husband, kid endangered by his drinking, joint custody on paper but kid living with me for the past year because ex is drunk and in and out of rehab, court, gutters, peeing in his bed, you name it. Just went through private binding arbitration process to determine custody).
Two things happened:
1. The arbitrator contacted me to say she wanted an additional $1000 before she released her judgment because her work on this file was more complex than expected - $500 from me, $500 from ex. I paid up. Ex didn't. Arbitrator decided she would "write down" her bill by $500 rather than pursue ex to pay. So I pay $500 for no apparent reason and he pays $0.
2. The judgment, when I got it, is a mess. Kid's name is spelled wrong throughout, and that's the least of it. It does not reflect the agreements we came to in mediation and sets out a lot of vague, contradictory and unenforceable provisos for how ex can work towards getting more access to kid. I am fine with the idea of a "roadmap" that will give ex more access if he can demonstrate sobriety, but not with a judgment that says things like "Ex will use SoberLink before visiting Kid" (as distinct from "Ex will provide breath sample 30 minutes before scheduled commencement of visit, every two hours after the first test, and 30 minutes after Kid is returned to Mom. Any missed or failed test will result immediate termination of visits" ... and that's just one example). It's full of loopholes that a manipulative alcoholic can drive right through, especially a smart and malicious one, who sees this whole process as me being a b!tch who is trying to control his life.
These two things have made me absolutely wrought up with anger. It isn't rage - I'm not yelling or hitting things or stomping around - but it's a burning furious sensation which is the culmination of years of having to deal with ex's crap, and having to deal with other people (like this arbitrator) who don't seem to grasp that you can't just accept an alcoholic's word when he says he is going to stop drinking (as has been demonstrated over and over ...). I am going to seek amendments to the judgment so that it actually reflects what we agreed on, which will cost me more money that I am rapidly running out of, and I am going to pursue an itemized receipt for the additional $500 that I paid and ex didn't.
There is a question at the end of all of this - how do other people deal with the enormous anger that wells up from time to time when we have to continuously clean up the chaos of irresponsible, deceitful addicts (like the one I am stuck with because he's the father of my child)? It is not good to be burning up with anger. I know all the AlAnon wisdom about accepting situations for what they are, but just reading about detachment isn't doing it for me when I feel like I've been screwed over again, this time by a process which I entered into in good faith believing that this would help to pacify and resolve a situation? Any thoughts are welcome!
I won't rehearse my whole backstory (active alcoholic ex-husband, kid endangered by his drinking, joint custody on paper but kid living with me for the past year because ex is drunk and in and out of rehab, court, gutters, peeing in his bed, you name it. Just went through private binding arbitration process to determine custody).
Two things happened:
1. The arbitrator contacted me to say she wanted an additional $1000 before she released her judgment because her work on this file was more complex than expected - $500 from me, $500 from ex. I paid up. Ex didn't. Arbitrator decided she would "write down" her bill by $500 rather than pursue ex to pay. So I pay $500 for no apparent reason and he pays $0.
2. The judgment, when I got it, is a mess. Kid's name is spelled wrong throughout, and that's the least of it. It does not reflect the agreements we came to in mediation and sets out a lot of vague, contradictory and unenforceable provisos for how ex can work towards getting more access to kid. I am fine with the idea of a "roadmap" that will give ex more access if he can demonstrate sobriety, but not with a judgment that says things like "Ex will use SoberLink before visiting Kid" (as distinct from "Ex will provide breath sample 30 minutes before scheduled commencement of visit, every two hours after the first test, and 30 minutes after Kid is returned to Mom. Any missed or failed test will result immediate termination of visits" ... and that's just one example). It's full of loopholes that a manipulative alcoholic can drive right through, especially a smart and malicious one, who sees this whole process as me being a b!tch who is trying to control his life.
These two things have made me absolutely wrought up with anger. It isn't rage - I'm not yelling or hitting things or stomping around - but it's a burning furious sensation which is the culmination of years of having to deal with ex's crap, and having to deal with other people (like this arbitrator) who don't seem to grasp that you can't just accept an alcoholic's word when he says he is going to stop drinking (as has been demonstrated over and over ...). I am going to seek amendments to the judgment so that it actually reflects what we agreed on, which will cost me more money that I am rapidly running out of, and I am going to pursue an itemized receipt for the additional $500 that I paid and ex didn't.
There is a question at the end of all of this - how do other people deal with the enormous anger that wells up from time to time when we have to continuously clean up the chaos of irresponsible, deceitful addicts (like the one I am stuck with because he's the father of my child)? It is not good to be burning up with anger. I know all the AlAnon wisdom about accepting situations for what they are, but just reading about detachment isn't doing it for me when I feel like I've been screwed over again, this time by a process which I entered into in good faith believing that this would help to pacify and resolve a situation? Any thoughts are welcome!
I hired an attorney at the last phase to take it to final trial. After you give him the particulars and he assures you he has got this, you pay him good $$ to have him later decide the best approach was to give them everything they asked for because she has " A Really Good Attorney" (his words). He couldn't review the case until had had been retained and now that he has its going to be more complicated that expected. Yeah....right.
It finally came down to her attorney stating she wasn't getting paid by her client and that she wasn't going to let this end until she got paid. My attorney decides to propose that I pay her legal expenses and her attorney would settle.
I was so steamed. I said you are kidding me right? My attorney said that either I agree to that or he would simply charge me more than agreed to and settle it that way. I said you already are charging me more than agreed to!!!!
I hate to say it but the legal system is far from efficient and far from just in many ways. But one thing it does do REALLY well is suck money out of whoever has it.
Sasha. In about 3 years you will recover financially and it will all finally be behind you and this anger will subside in you. Everything feels worse because you are tired of the fight. And you aren't finding ways to get away from it mentally. Its important you do.
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