He left ME !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
He left ME !
Having such difficulty getting past my anger over this. I did see a "sticky" on this subject but I needed some more thoughts on the topic.
5yr relationship.. I didn't realize how much of an alcoholic he was until maybe after the first few months. (he is a beer binge drinker) I thought he just liked to have a good time. As years went on it got worse (pretty much all the same things everyone else talks about..trust, abuse, me begging him to go to AA) Finally I turned to Al-Anon and stuck to my boundaries after years of a merry go round. (Yes I should have left sooner, but we all know why we don't) Finally a year ago he started AA. He loved it and hated it. He relapsed a few times. As a dry drunk he was pretty miserable all the time. Had even more difficulty expressing emotions and daily tasks seemed to overcome him. I TRIED SO HARD to understand and be supportive and do my Al-Anon work. I tried to tell him to look at the BIG BOOK and how things affect the family so that maybe he could understand my point of view as I was trying to work with him. And then in June.. after an argument (which had nothing to do with drinking!) he dropped the bomb. He wanted space and that he felt being with me was too stressful and he was on eggshells and that I didn't really support him (TOTAL BS!) He sent this in a TEXT. And that was it. Done, gone. 5yrs. 5yrs I tried and stayed when I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't want to give up and I overlooked so much and in the end he leaves ME. I feel so much anger. Someone told me he was drinking one night because he sent them stupid drunk messages. Would a trying to recover alcoholic be so overwhelmed that they would push aside the one person who has stood by them throughout the entire journey? Just so they can have a drink here and there? How are they happy to just give up on their spouses and kids and lives with seemingly no remorse? He seems perfectly happy, no other woman involved. He just gets to hang out at home, no "woman" to deal with, drink if he wants I guess, not having to process pain like me. Easy for him to move forward.
5yr relationship.. I didn't realize how much of an alcoholic he was until maybe after the first few months. (he is a beer binge drinker) I thought he just liked to have a good time. As years went on it got worse (pretty much all the same things everyone else talks about..trust, abuse, me begging him to go to AA) Finally I turned to Al-Anon and stuck to my boundaries after years of a merry go round. (Yes I should have left sooner, but we all know why we don't) Finally a year ago he started AA. He loved it and hated it. He relapsed a few times. As a dry drunk he was pretty miserable all the time. Had even more difficulty expressing emotions and daily tasks seemed to overcome him. I TRIED SO HARD to understand and be supportive and do my Al-Anon work. I tried to tell him to look at the BIG BOOK and how things affect the family so that maybe he could understand my point of view as I was trying to work with him. And then in June.. after an argument (which had nothing to do with drinking!) he dropped the bomb. He wanted space and that he felt being with me was too stressful and he was on eggshells and that I didn't really support him (TOTAL BS!) He sent this in a TEXT. And that was it. Done, gone. 5yrs. 5yrs I tried and stayed when I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't want to give up and I overlooked so much and in the end he leaves ME. I feel so much anger. Someone told me he was drinking one night because he sent them stupid drunk messages. Would a trying to recover alcoholic be so overwhelmed that they would push aside the one person who has stood by them throughout the entire journey? Just so they can have a drink here and there? How are they happy to just give up on their spouses and kids and lives with seemingly no remorse? He seems perfectly happy, no other woman involved. He just gets to hang out at home, no "woman" to deal with, drink if he wants I guess, not having to process pain like me. Easy for him to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
I am really sorry to hear that you're hurting, broken hearts are horrible.
On the other hand, he did you a FAVOR! He freed you to enjoy your life rid of an alcoholic/dry drunk.
Feel all of your emotions, sadness, anger, resentment and then go take a walk and feel the sun and know that you are worthy of more. You are worthy of happiness with someone who treats you with respect.
And when/if he ever comes back, RUN AWAY!
On the other hand, he did you a FAVOR! He freed you to enjoy your life rid of an alcoholic/dry drunk.
Feel all of your emotions, sadness, anger, resentment and then go take a walk and feel the sun and know that you are worthy of more. You are worthy of happiness with someone who treats you with respect.
And when/if he ever comes back, RUN AWAY!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you chose recovery
he did not
he bailed cuz it was the easier softer way
and yes he did do you a favor
try not to see it as who got to the button first. you weren't happy. he wasn't happy. you wanted to change. he did not.
stick with alanon. work thru the grief. you WILL be ok!!!!!!
he did not
he bailed cuz it was the easier softer way
and yes he did do you a favor
try not to see it as who got to the button first. you weren't happy. he wasn't happy. you wanted to change. he did not.
stick with alanon. work thru the grief. you WILL be ok!!!!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Southflgirl.....Quite often anger is the emotion covering a l ot of pain/sadness/etc.
I know you are hurt and disappointed...because you so firmly believed that if you supported enough and loved enough that, he would , naturally become sober and love you n the way that you have dreamed of....
It just doesn't work that way in addictions...it just doesn't....
You ask if the alcoholic will push aside the o ne person who has stood by them the whole journey...just so that they can have a drink here or there.....
The answer is YES. It happens all of the time.
The disease is powerful....and, if someone is getting between the alcoholic and the ability to drink....the drink will win....
Reading your post, I didn't get the impression that he was all in..into a diligent recovery program....Attending lots of meetings, working the 12 steps, having a sponsor and a counselor.....It requires a lot and it has to be the top priority, above all else.....
He may have done, for you, what you were not able to do...
Down the road, you may thank him for leaving.....
I am going to give you a link to our educational library of articles...dozens of them....Now would be a good time for you to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I know you are hurt and disappointed...because you so firmly believed that if you supported enough and loved enough that, he would , naturally become sober and love you n the way that you have dreamed of....
It just doesn't work that way in addictions...it just doesn't....
You ask if the alcoholic will push aside the o ne person who has stood by them the whole journey...just so that they can have a drink here or there.....
The answer is YES. It happens all of the time.
The disease is powerful....and, if someone is getting between the alcoholic and the ability to drink....the drink will win....
Reading your post, I didn't get the impression that he was all in..into a diligent recovery program....Attending lots of meetings, working the 12 steps, having a sponsor and a counselor.....It requires a lot and it has to be the top priority, above all else.....
He may have done, for you, what you were not able to do...
Down the road, you may thank him for leaving.....
I am going to give you a link to our educational library of articles...dozens of them....Now would be a good time for you to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
You ask if the alcoholic will push aside the one person who has stood by them the whole journey...just so that they can have a drink here or there.....
Yes it does happen all the time..I agree with Dandy. For 20 years I stood by my exah, supported him, helped him, enabled him ( ugh) and he blamed me for his drinking and alienated my older daughters from me. After we split up he cut off all contact with all our kids and got his also alcoholic brother to phone me to tell me what a terrible wife I'd been and what a misery I was and how seeing me happy now was making him drink. Then he told his sister he wanted me back. No rhyme nor reason to an active alcoholic. You dodged a bullet tbh. I hope you will see that soon xxx
Yes it does happen all the time..I agree with Dandy. For 20 years I stood by my exah, supported him, helped him, enabled him ( ugh) and he blamed me for his drinking and alienated my older daughters from me. After we split up he cut off all contact with all our kids and got his also alcoholic brother to phone me to tell me what a terrible wife I'd been and what a misery I was and how seeing me happy now was making him drink. Then he told his sister he wanted me back. No rhyme nor reason to an active alcoholic. You dodged a bullet tbh. I hope you will see that soon xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
Been there. Got the T-shirt. then chucked out with the remaining of his items.
All jokes aside. It stings really badly and totally can understand as I experienced the same. Took me a long time to work through.
I gave, he took, I didn't get the desired effect from him. So I gave some more, he took more and still not getting where I wanted. I gave even more thinking surely he will wake up one day and be forever in love and grateful and treat me like a queen and we would live happily ever after. That day never came. He stopped drinking but was so emotionally and physically distant and I was forever the reason for anything wrong. I still didn't get back what I put in.
I did since work on healing myself and now can look through a different lens on the past. But I had my angry moments and mostly sad unhappy days. I see know that he was broken outside of me and my input even before we met. I see know I had unmet needs from childhood and he filled it so well when we fell in love I could not be without his attention or presence in my life. The abandonment of his love was a huge part of my anger. The coldness stung deep.
But again looking back I still was not really happy with him in my life. I tolerated him and his drinking to have something that resembled to closest to real love I knew. A hole from childhood. I'm am learning to fill that hole myself.
Anger can be a tool if you listen to why you experience it and how to move past it in a healthy way. People tend to use anger as a reason to act out.
Been there. Got the T-shirt. then chucked out with the remaining of his items.
All jokes aside. It stings really badly and totally can understand as I experienced the same. Took me a long time to work through.
I gave, he took, I didn't get the desired effect from him. So I gave some more, he took more and still not getting where I wanted. I gave even more thinking surely he will wake up one day and be forever in love and grateful and treat me like a queen and we would live happily ever after. That day never came. He stopped drinking but was so emotionally and physically distant and I was forever the reason for anything wrong. I still didn't get back what I put in.
I did since work on healing myself and now can look through a different lens on the past. But I had my angry moments and mostly sad unhappy days. I see know that he was broken outside of me and my input even before we met. I see know I had unmet needs from childhood and he filled it so well when we fell in love I could not be without his attention or presence in my life. The abandonment of his love was a huge part of my anger. The coldness stung deep.
But again looking back I still was not really happy with him in my life. I tolerated him and his drinking to have something that resembled to closest to real love I knew. A hole from childhood. I'm am learning to fill that hole myself.
Anger can be a tool if you listen to why you experience it and how to move past it in a healthy way. People tend to use anger as a reason to act out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by SouthFLGirl 
How are they happy to just give up on their spouses and kids and lives with seemingly no remorse?
I was very bitter about my late Husband's lack of support/ love/ respect etc. You know what? He loved me *the best he could.*
Maybe sometimes people walk away rather than face the loved ones who had such high hopes for them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I'm sorry for your pain. We codies try and understand, but it's just not possible. Like they said above he has gifted you a chance to get your head together. When you get your head out of the clouds you will realize what you have been living in and how absolutely crazy your life has become.
Seek support for you and take care of you. We are only in control of ourselves. Sending hugs your way.
Seek support for you and take care of you. We are only in control of ourselves. Sending hugs your way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 20
I am in the same position SouthFL. My alcoholic ex just asked me to move out Tuesday and I'm extremely hurt and angry because I tried just like you for 3.5 years. I'm still trying to wrap my head around why I couldn't make it work. But that's the thing, it was ONLY me trying to keep it together. He couldn't care about anything or anyone besides himself and his booze. When I left that day, all he said was.... "well, see ya later." And that boiled my blood. I asked myself the same question you are asking, HOW could he have zero emotion or reaction to ending 3.5 years of a life together. I still do, but I'm getting stronger by learning more about his alcoholism and my.. and I hate saying it but I'm learning more about it... my codependency and reading others stories. There is nothing more we could've done, no magic word or fix or action... I'm trying to be confident in myself that I did all I could, and let God do the rest... Its hard to believe but, I'm trying to see that maybe they did do us a favor. Were we really happy in our lives with them? Or were we looking through a fog of what we wanted and wished our relationships could've been, remembering the few good memories we have with that person?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi South and Della
After being with your ex's and knowing their behaviour for a while I am curious to the following:
Theorectically if they meet someone in the next month or so and was as in love as could be with that person - do you believe they would stop drinking cold turkey and stop forever?
If they did manage to stop drinking from the high of falling in love how long before life (I.e arguments, work stress, family stress, money - pick one ) happens and the old reliable friend alcohol steps in.
I have not heard of an alcoholic breaking up with someone and then just like that going cold turkey and being well and productive from that day onwards.
It can happen but only with a lot of effort and time and support. And complete willingness and acknowledgement from the addict.
I hope I am making the point that your effort is not reflective on them. They are on themselves.
After being with your ex's and knowing their behaviour for a while I am curious to the following:
Theorectically if they meet someone in the next month or so and was as in love as could be with that person - do you believe they would stop drinking cold turkey and stop forever?
If they did manage to stop drinking from the high of falling in love how long before life (I.e arguments, work stress, family stress, money - pick one ) happens and the old reliable friend alcohol steps in.
I have not heard of an alcoholic breaking up with someone and then just like that going cold turkey and being well and productive from that day onwards.
It can happen but only with a lot of effort and time and support. And complete willingness and acknowledgement from the addict.
I hope I am making the point that your effort is not reflective on them. They are on themselves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I dumped an alkie after a month. Within a few weeks he was in love with someone else...and a couple of weeks after, in love with a third woman.
We stayed in very loose contact for a little while. He viewed his ability to fall in love as being open to a new relationship . He honest-to-goodness didn't see that if he could fall in and out of love so quickly, it was just infatuation, or lust, or something other than love.
We stayed in very loose contact for a little while. He viewed his ability to fall in love as being open to a new relationship . He honest-to-goodness didn't see that if he could fall in and out of love so quickly, it was just infatuation, or lust, or something other than love.
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