New problem...help me find balance?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
New problem...help me find balance?
My sister got an email yesterday from the nurse at my parents' assisted living facility. She tossed it to me to "handle." OOookay.
My mother is smuggling wine into their room (or trying to, it was confiscated yesterday). She told them she is drinking two glasses before dinner and then she and my father drink some in the evenings.
My father doesn't drink.
She has been told by her cardiologist on multiple occasions she can only have one glass per day. Since she is drinking against medical advice, the AL staff are now concerned about her health, but they are also on the hook liability-wise.
I have assured them no one in our family is ever going to sue them over my mother choosing to drink AMA. I have talked to my mom a dozen times over the years...she always acts like this is brand new information , agrees with everything and promptly "forgets."
She's nearly 90 and living with my 93-year-old stone deaf, highly difficult father in two small rooms. Two weeks ago the family took her car keys away from her after she had too many near misses, which is how she was getting her supply in the past.
I will be there in a couple of months and could talk to her again. She would instantly reject in horror and insult any mention of the word alcoholic. She knows I quit drinking in large part because her heart condition can be hereditary, although she pushes it on me every time I'm there.
Okay, codie experts...where is my side of the street?
My mother is smuggling wine into their room (or trying to, it was confiscated yesterday). She told them she is drinking two glasses before dinner and then she and my father drink some in the evenings.
My father doesn't drink.
She has been told by her cardiologist on multiple occasions she can only have one glass per day. Since she is drinking against medical advice, the AL staff are now concerned about her health, but they are also on the hook liability-wise.
I have assured them no one in our family is ever going to sue them over my mother choosing to drink AMA. I have talked to my mom a dozen times over the years...she always acts like this is brand new information , agrees with everything and promptly "forgets."
She's nearly 90 and living with my 93-year-old stone deaf, highly difficult father in two small rooms. Two weeks ago the family took her car keys away from her after she had too many near misses, which is how she was getting her supply in the past.
I will be there in a couple of months and could talk to her again. She would instantly reject in horror and insult any mention of the word alcoholic. She knows I quit drinking in large part because her heart condition can be hereditary, although she pushes it on me every time I'm there.
Okay, codie experts...where is my side of the street?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Is she in danger of being booted from the facility for this?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I hope it is enough, because I cannot imagine anything you could do or say that would convince your mother to change her ways at the age of 90!
Your side of the street hasn't changed because of this information, I don't think. Keep taking care of you.
Your side of the street hasn't changed because of this information, I don't think. Keep taking care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
This one is tough. I've talked with directors of facilities like this about this exact issue to try to find placement for aging, alcoholic clients & am usually met with that deer-in-headlights look because they really have no protocol for these kinds of situations. I'm surprised they accepted the release of liability so easily & wouldn't be shocked if they retract it either because their legal dept rejects it or an incident occurs involving other residents or employees. It's not difficult to imagine one misstep, one tumble, one outburst - especially if she is now unable to even get her alcohol... do you expect her to just quit?
On the other hand, detoxing at this age and/or trying to convince her to change her habits is VERY unlikely to occur IMO, never mind potentially dangerous.
On the other hand, detoxing at this age and/or trying to convince her to change her habits is VERY unlikely to occur IMO, never mind potentially dangerous.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
from a different perspective.....if i manage to make it to 90, i hope by then people will have stopped waiting for me to change. or telling me what i should change.
the nursing home confiscated the alcohol. she no longer can (or should!!!) drive. I don't see her making any late night stealth trips out the window to the liquor store. i'm not sure you are required to DO anything here, Aries.......
the nursing home confiscated the alcohol. she no longer can (or should!!!) drive. I don't see her making any late night stealth trips out the window to the liquor store. i'm not sure you are required to DO anything here, Aries.......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I have to agree, at 90 expecting her to change is futile. You have been notified by the facility; you have acted by taking away her car keys and then added that you and your sister will not hold them liable in the event your mother has issues due to alcohol consumption, not much more you can do or should be expected to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think you have done what you can, especially as it sounds as though you are operating from a distance, Aries.
I hope that this chapter is closed, but I fear that you will be hearing from the facility again.
I also hope they don’t have to leave, but I find it difficult to imagine that the facility will accept mom’s behavior in the long term., even with your releasing them from liability.
She may fall. She may get into it with another resident. She may have a heart episode.
Agree with everyone so far that one cannot change a 90 year old’s behavior—I have one of those myself—and, as I said earlier, you have done what you can.
I am finding this subject compelling as I feel that my alcohol addicted sib will likely have to go into care at some point because he is so damaged, mentally and physically, but I cannot for the life of me imagine a facility that will want to take him and deal with his alcoholism.
Forced detox first, I guess.
Anyway, good luck. It’s a tough one.
I hope that this chapter is closed, but I fear that you will be hearing from the facility again.
I also hope they don’t have to leave, but I find it difficult to imagine that the facility will accept mom’s behavior in the long term., even with your releasing them from liability.
She may fall. She may get into it with another resident. She may have a heart episode.
Agree with everyone so far that one cannot change a 90 year old’s behavior—I have one of those myself—and, as I said earlier, you have done what you can.
I am finding this subject compelling as I feel that my alcohol addicted sib will likely have to go into care at some point because he is so damaged, mentally and physically, but I cannot for the life of me imagine a facility that will want to take him and deal with his alcoholism.
Forced detox first, I guess.
Anyway, good luck. It’s a tough one.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Thank you for the replies. I am sympathetic to the AL facility's position...OTOH, if my parents were capable of following instructions of any kind they would still be in their home instead of a care facility that costs $8000 a month.
I can't really say if my mother will experience any kind of withdrawal. Her alcohol consumption all her adult life has been in the context of the "cocktail hour," so I don't know if her addiction has overriden that social protocol yet.
They take the residents on a bus to the grocery store once a week, which is how I would think she was caught this last time. There have been no other incidents of her being detectably impaired that we've heard about, anyway, in the ten months they've lived there.
Yes, I'm about 2400 miles away. My sister is 250 miles away. Neither of us can police their actions beyond what we've done.
Sigh. It's never easy, not for long.
I can't really say if my mother will experience any kind of withdrawal. Her alcohol consumption all her adult life has been in the context of the "cocktail hour," so I don't know if her addiction has overriden that social protocol yet.
They take the residents on a bus to the grocery store once a week, which is how I would think she was caught this last time. There have been no other incidents of her being detectably impaired that we've heard about, anyway, in the ten months they've lived there.
Yes, I'm about 2400 miles away. My sister is 250 miles away. Neither of us can police their actions beyond what we've done.
Sigh. It's never easy, not for long.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ariesagain....if it were me...and, this is just me....I would ask the doctor to write an order for her to be served two wine spritzers, along with her evening meal each evening....(wine spritzers have less alcohol than straight wine).....
I am pretty sure that the doctor would gladly do that much....as I believe that falls within what is considered a therapeutic dose......
They could be served in those cute little individual serving bottles.....
I am pretty sure that the doctor would gladly do that much....as I believe that falls within what is considered a therapeutic dose......
They could be served in those cute little individual serving bottles.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Being 90 I doubt she will see she is doing anything wrong tbh. Her drinking hasn't killed her that's for sure. If the care facility is happy now you've signed a disclaimer I'd let her get on with it as long as she isn't driving the car. She's not a child and can do as she pleases.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by anvilheadii
from a different perspective.....if i manage to make it to 90, i hope by then people will have stopped waiting for me to change. Or telling me what i should change.
.
.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Slightly different take here.
Yes, at 90, no one is changing.
But....at 90, we may not be making great decisions.
We may have some mental deterioration. We may not be tracking well.
And, at 90, most people are experiencing some form of help, either at a facility or from family.
As my mother’s caregiver, I will say that her decisions don’t just affect her.
They affect me too.
It’s complicated.
Yes, at 90, no one is changing.
But....at 90, we may not be making great decisions.
We may have some mental deterioration. We may not be tracking well.
And, at 90, most people are experiencing some form of help, either at a facility or from family.
As my mother’s caregiver, I will say that her decisions don’t just affect her.
They affect me too.
It’s complicated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
It’s complicated.
One time my mom and I got into an argument because she insisted on using the same basket for recycling AND receipts.
I'm sorry Ariesagain that I can't give you any other advice besides what has already been given. But I can give you my thoughts and support and I hope that will do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by dandylion
ariesagain....if it were me...and, this is just me....I would ask the doctor to write an order for her to be served two wine spritzers, along with her evening meal each evening....(wine spritzers have less alcohol than straight wine).....
I am pretty sure that the doctor would gladly do that much....as I believe that falls within what is considered a therapeutic dose......
They could be served in those cute little individual serving bottles.....
I am pretty sure that the doctor would gladly do that much....as I believe that falls within what is considered a therapeutic dose......
They could be served in those cute little individual serving bottles.....
My ex-mother-in-law, now deceased, was an alcoholic who convinced the palliative care staff in the hospice to let her have six-packs in her room, on the grounds that drinking all the time wasn't really going to make her situation any worse than it already was (terminal cancer).
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Thank you, all. BB, thanks for the hug...you always have the perfect gif!
It's gotten a bit more complicated because my brother-in-law, who is a hard-driving control guy, is now on me about whether I've followed up on this. Um, no. First, my mother isn't going to change now. Second, I'm not kicking that hornet's nest unless the AL center forces the issue.
I'm not going to be able to educate him about codependence, that's for sure. He tends to noodge and noodge until I want to hit him with a hammer, even though he's at core a good guy. He's just one of those people who's had everything go pretty much his way all of his life, so he hasn't met an intractible problem he can't solve.
But I have and more than once and I know what they look like. My mom is, essentially, terminally ill. With her heart condition she's way out on the far end of life expectancy and honestly, if it makes her remaining days a little more comfortable, even in her own brain, and if she's not hurting anyone else, I'm not chasing this rabbit.
Thank you, everyone.
It's gotten a bit more complicated because my brother-in-law, who is a hard-driving control guy, is now on me about whether I've followed up on this. Um, no. First, my mother isn't going to change now. Second, I'm not kicking that hornet's nest unless the AL center forces the issue.
I'm not going to be able to educate him about codependence, that's for sure. He tends to noodge and noodge until I want to hit him with a hammer, even though he's at core a good guy. He's just one of those people who's had everything go pretty much his way all of his life, so he hasn't met an intractible problem he can't solve.
But I have and more than once and I know what they look like. My mom is, essentially, terminally ill. With her heart condition she's way out on the far end of life expectancy and honestly, if it makes her remaining days a little more comfortable, even in her own brain, and if she's not hurting anyone else, I'm not chasing this rabbit.
Thank you, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You followed up. You talked to us about it and you decided to stay in your lane.
Well done, I'd say.
...also, that gif now looks to me like the black dog is squeezing the smile off the face of the white dog. That's not what I saw the first time.
Well done, I'd say.
...also, that gif now looks to me like the black dog is squeezing the smile off the face of the white dog. That's not what I saw the first time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
