co-parenting with AXH - Do I even bother?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
co-parenting with AXH - Do I even bother?
I have a question and would appreciate any and everyone's thoughts/recommendations/etc -
I am in the middle of a painful divorce from my STBXAH, I filed over a year ago. Everything and I mean everything is a struggle..
Our child lives me with me, ex left the state last Jan but comes into town to visit 1-2/month. I requested a Guardium Ad Litem to be appointed for our kid in April as working with ex proved to be impossible.
Ex only gets our child during the day, monitored by soberlink. He's furious he still doesn't have overnight privileges but THANKFULLY the Judge (and GAL) has his number and is requiring my ex to prove to him that he is addressing and getting help for his disease. He now has to use soberlink every single day, even when he's not in town, and I guess enroll in some kind of treatment program yet i am sure if he's done that yet or not.
Regardless, though, I still have to interact with him. I'm doing my best to take care of my child and provide as normal of a life as I possibly can, i.e. enjoying life together despite it all.
Anyway - currently my ex is fighting me over swimming lessons. He's so obsessed with the fact that it will impact his time with our child by 15 minutes and it doesn't even occur to him that these lessons are wonderful for our child. Quacking that I signed up our child without his consent...I mean, really? Everything is a fight, I knew if I asked him, he'd say no just to spite me.
Long winded way of asking - do I even bother responding to him and trying to get him recognize that we need to focus on what's best for our child? All of the lawyers are copied on his insane emails....
On one hand, I don't want to engage because it's crazy but on the other hand, I want our child to learn how to swim. UGH
will it ever end? will he ever get it?
I am in the middle of a painful divorce from my STBXAH, I filed over a year ago. Everything and I mean everything is a struggle..
Our child lives me with me, ex left the state last Jan but comes into town to visit 1-2/month. I requested a Guardium Ad Litem to be appointed for our kid in April as working with ex proved to be impossible.
Ex only gets our child during the day, monitored by soberlink. He's furious he still doesn't have overnight privileges but THANKFULLY the Judge (and GAL) has his number and is requiring my ex to prove to him that he is addressing and getting help for his disease. He now has to use soberlink every single day, even when he's not in town, and I guess enroll in some kind of treatment program yet i am sure if he's done that yet or not.
Regardless, though, I still have to interact with him. I'm doing my best to take care of my child and provide as normal of a life as I possibly can, i.e. enjoying life together despite it all.
Anyway - currently my ex is fighting me over swimming lessons. He's so obsessed with the fact that it will impact his time with our child by 15 minutes and it doesn't even occur to him that these lessons are wonderful for our child. Quacking that I signed up our child without his consent...I mean, really? Everything is a fight, I knew if I asked him, he'd say no just to spite me.
Long winded way of asking - do I even bother responding to him and trying to get him recognize that we need to focus on what's best for our child? All of the lawyers are copied on his insane emails....
On one hand, I don't want to engage because it's crazy but on the other hand, I want our child to learn how to swim. UGH
will it ever end? will he ever get it?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Can you phrase it as a safety issue? Knowing how to swim is a skill that might save his life at some point. If your ex argues with that reality...he isn't thinking about your son, he's thinking about himself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Is he really upset about the 15 minutes? Or is he just trying to provoke you?
He'll "get it" or he won't -- it won't have anything to do with anything you say or do. Take care of yourself and minimize the crazy!
He'll "get it" or he won't -- it won't have anything to do with anything you say or do. Take care of yourself and minimize the crazy!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Is he really upset about the 15 minutes? Or is he just trying to provoke you?
The GAL has already told me that my son can go to swim lessons. I need to stop letting his bad behavior get to me....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I don't have firsthand experience, so please take my advice with a grain of salt.
But is your engagement required for your child to have swimming lessons? He can squawk all he wants, but my attitude is if he really has an issue with it, he can take it up with his lawyer, or find an alternative swim lesson that better fits with BOTH of your schedules (which is what he should have done instead of going into automatic quack mode). If he's willing to explain to the judge/GAL why he doesn't want his kid to have swim lessons, let him go right ahead.
In regards to the fifteen minutes, well, if he didn't have a history of drinking, he wouldn't be running into this problem with time, would he?
He probably won't get it for a while, so don't expect him to.
But is your engagement required for your child to have swimming lessons? He can squawk all he wants, but my attitude is if he really has an issue with it, he can take it up with his lawyer, or find an alternative swim lesson that better fits with BOTH of your schedules (which is what he should have done instead of going into automatic quack mode). If he's willing to explain to the judge/GAL why he doesn't want his kid to have swim lessons, let him go right ahead.
In regards to the fifteen minutes, well, if he didn't have a history of drinking, he wouldn't be running into this problem with time, would he?
He probably won't get it for a while, so don't expect him to.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I love PuzzledHeart's response. I definitely could have used that note a few years back. Part of being a parent is taking your child to their extra-curricular activities, school events and appointments. They're a fact of life. AXH is also a parent - not just a babysitter, not just a friend - a parent; he's not exempted from those responsibilities, even if his issues have placed safeties on his time with your child. It was also great to read the response from the GAL in your case.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Invite him to come watch the swim lessons and cheer the kiddo on - I used to teach lessons full time and parents were a big part of it! If he's super worried about the 15 minutes, see if he's cool with adding it on at the end that way he's still getting the same amount of time.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the words "too bad, so sad" come to mind as i read his latest conniption fit. if he can't figure out how to adjust for 15 minutes of time, then that is HIS problem. is he really going to take you to court over this?
remember the more you "listen" to his ranting, react, respond, the more you feed the beast. and remember the acronym NMP:
Not
MY
Problem
remember the more you "listen" to his ranting, react, respond, the more you feed the beast. and remember the acronym NMP:
Not
MY
Problem
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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The GAL called me and said that I need to run all future activities by my ex going forward, while also acknowledging that EX is out of control.
I did invite ex too attend and already spoke to the aquatic director about it. In a perfect world, we could all be there together for the good of our son but that all goes unnoticed and all he can focus on is my "transgression," as he calls it.
I did invite ex too attend and already spoke to the aquatic director about it. In a perfect world, we could all be there together for the good of our son but that all goes unnoticed and all he can focus on is my "transgression," as he calls it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BAW....I am not a lawyer...but, I think that it would be a good idea to keep records of everything...and keep a journal of his obstructiveness......
I can't believe that the court would look favorably upon a parent who ignores safety and enrichment activities for their child.....
He may run out of steam, down the road....
I can't believe that the court would look favorably upon a parent who ignores safety and enrichment activities for their child.....
He may run out of steam, down the road....
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
BAW....I am not a lawyer...but, I think that it would be a good idea to keep records of everything...and keep a journal of his obstructiveness......
I'm not going to lie, I'm now getting anxiety about how awful I'm going to get treated this weekend....it never ends. I know I need rhino skin but it hurts none the less.
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We see each other when our kid is exchanged. I've sent him multiple emails asking for him to treat me with kindness and respect (despite how he feels about me) because its the right thing to do for our child but the last time he called me "c*nt" while holding our 20 month old before he handed him over.
The lawyers have all been informed but I still have to endure it and so does my very innocent child.
The lawyers have all been informed but I still have to endure it and so does my very innocent child.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OMG, BAW.....that is outrageous and abusive.....
As sparklekitty alluded to...I have known of people who had another person stand in for the hand over of the child......(it was court ordered in cases that I know of).....
As sparklekitty alluded to...I have known of people who had another person stand in for the hand over of the child......(it was court ordered in cases that I know of).....
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