AwkwardKitty

Hi Everyone
I quit for 31 days back in August and relapsed on my birthday.
It's been about 5 weeks since then and I've been drinking since, although trying to stop. I am a binger, and then will have a couple of days off but I'm drinking more often than before I quit now. It's really affecting my depression and my OCD is getting much worse.
I keep saying I'm quitting again, then after a day or two I give into the cravings. I can't seem to find the strength I had before. I need to stop but I don't know if I WANT to. I mean, I do want to but there's part of me sabotaging myself. How can I get back to really wanting to? I'm hungover today and I feel dreadful. I don't want to do this anymore.

CelticZebra

One step at a time, just for today, don't drink.
Make a plan, if you want to stop & stay stopped don't give in to the cravings, they lessen over time, please keep on believing that you don't want to and you don't have to.

Jules714

Hi. Been there! I got 29 days and picked up I can't even tell you how many times (really, I don't remember anything much anymore)
All I can say is that sticking to each day, not looking backward nor forward, but at the day I was in, this site and AA saved my life. It's work. But it is so much better.
You can do it and you deserve it!
GL,
Jules

Arpeggioh

The uncertainty of "wanting / not wanting" to give up alcohol is really familiar to me, and probably pretty common to many folks here. Dee74 summed up my feelings when he said he just wanted to keep drinking without suffering the awful consequences of it. That made total sense to me. Eventually, over many years, the horrible consequences became unbearable; knowing, and truly believing, that they were inevitable and impossible to avoid whenever I drank, the solution was pretty obvious. So, no, I didn't "want" to quit drinking; I "had" to quit drinking to stop the suffering.

For me, the pain eventually outweighed the pleasure.

I wish you the best with your goal of sobriety!

Dee74

Hi AwkwardKitty.
I think no matter how deep we get back into the insanity we know which is the better of the two choices we have.

You've posted here - thats a pretty good indication that the side of you that knows whats good for you in the lead

do everything you can today to fan the flame of recovery.

Sit here on SR all day and all night if you have to...Join the clss of october and/or make an appointment with your DR or counsellor...and/or check if there are any recovery meetings near you (AA, SMNART LifeRing whatever) and go to one, today.

Put all your energy into change - not more of the same.

You've done this before you can do it again - only the effort required may vary

D

theVman31

Hi,
Your here posting and your post is kind of like the proof you want to stop.
Binger, everyday drinker, once a month drink to oblivion drinker, we know what we are and why we are here. First step depending on how bad you are, see a Dr if necessary, get a week or two so the physical and mental cravings die off.
Make a plan. Keep posting.
Make it happen

D122y

Awkward,

Imo...it doesn't take long to feel the pull off alcohol dependency.

My Normi wife drank on our recent vacation. She had about half a glass of wine each night w dinner, 4 nights straight.

When we came back, she had a night out w her friends...about 2 days later. She drank a few. She didn't say how many...I am guessing 2 or 3 vodka drinks and some sangria w dinner.

So...2 days later...she is eyeballing this open bottle of wine w have had for months and months.

She is already feeling the pull of addiction....that quickly.

It is science. It is education. It is analysis over emotion.

The booze alters our brains chemistry. It makes us crave the euphoria of the buzz.

You are fully mentally addicted again. Physically, I doubt you will have a dangerous detox, but....no medical advice...see a dr,

If you can't quit using SR, there is AA, and there are rehab centers,

Remember...imo...it is analysis over emotion when it comes to addiction.

In the beginning....first several months...it about suffering through the crave and coming up w ways to be happy w out booze. I do it with exercise.

Then it is about remembering how we suffered. I have long term anxiety still so it is easy to remem the hell I went through getting here.

Then...for me...it is about getting through the temptation s from Normies and actives. That was my last mini slip.

Thanks.

SimplyFree

All I know is it is truly possible to stop if you are ready. I love Porte wine, but hate day1 more than anything. I also love my kids more than wine! The cravings do die off especially after that 30 mark. I stop thinking about wine all the time or strategies to my next ok moment to consume. You can do it.

ReadyAtLast

Hi kitty welcome back.

ChloeRose63

Nothing can make you WANT to quit except your own thoughts. We can try and make your thoughts about quitting but, like you said you are self-sabotaging. What is triggering you to pick up that drink?

entropy1964

"but I'm drinking more often than before I quit now".

This happened to me also. Its almost as if my addiction was terrified and stepped up its game. "Oh no she's realizing that I'm going to kill her. She's trying to quit. Better push her to drink more". But, without a doubt, no matter how hard I tried, drinking was forever ruined. Once I admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic and drinking will kill me, my drinking was never the same. Didn't stop me from trying, over and over. And I watched myself get deeper and deeper into my addiction. And the wreckage got scarier and scarier.

I'm an alcoholic. I am designed to drink. So I have learned to accept that my brain will do everything it can to get me to follow my nature. Somehow knowing this, and accepting it, makes it easier to say 'ok addiction, I hear you. But I'm not going to drink. Because you want me dead'. The more times I am able to deny this primal nature, the weaker my addiction becomes.

And I cannot do this alone. I need a plan and a program. You can do this. But you have to be completely honest with yourself about what your addiction looks like and where it will take you.

Anna

Self-sabotage was a huge problem for me. At first I wasn't even aware I was doing it and I would just think 'Oh, poor me'. But, eventually I saw the pattern and knew I had to overcome it in order to recover. For me, I had to sit down and fully accept that I deserved good things in my life. We all do. I had to open my heart to the good things that were out there.

You are worth it!