Closing in on 8 months - Recently have lots of fear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Closing in on 8 months - Recently have lots of fear
Hey guys,
I'm amazed that i'm nearly at 8 months but recently i've been having alot of fear about some things my life.
My father who is an active alcoholic is coming to visit me for just over a week. He's planning on staying with me for 3 days and am struggling with how to tell him that drinking in my house will make me uncomfortable.
My girlfriend has asked me to move in with her. This woman is amazing and supportive but i live in the mountains and i'll be moving to the city which i'm a little nervous about. I also did the same thing about 10 years ago and it didn't work out although i was drinking back then and now i'm sober.
I got NO sleep last night and had alot of anxiety because of it. I called into work to get some rest during a very busy time of the month. It's also a new job which i'm fearful of losing. I've worked so hard these past 7 months to stay sober and sometimes i feel like things just pile on. I'm sure everyone on here can relate.
Thanks for listening!
Garrison
I'm amazed that i'm nearly at 8 months but recently i've been having alot of fear about some things my life.
My father who is an active alcoholic is coming to visit me for just over a week. He's planning on staying with me for 3 days and am struggling with how to tell him that drinking in my house will make me uncomfortable.
My girlfriend has asked me to move in with her. This woman is amazing and supportive but i live in the mountains and i'll be moving to the city which i'm a little nervous about. I also did the same thing about 10 years ago and it didn't work out although i was drinking back then and now i'm sober.
I got NO sleep last night and had alot of anxiety because of it. I called into work to get some rest during a very busy time of the month. It's also a new job which i'm fearful of losing. I've worked so hard these past 7 months to stay sober and sometimes i feel like things just pile on. I'm sure everyone on here can relate.
Thanks for listening!
Garrison
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Ya know, my parents never stayed at my house ever. They always got a motel room.
Also, I decided long ago not to move away from my comfortable home and into someone else's place. If I were to be married again, we would have to find a new "our" place - not mine or his. The whole thing would have to be joint, and in a place we both agreed was where we wanted to live. It sounds like you chose the mountains because it's your happy place?
Congrats on your eight months. It's early still. Can the girlfriend wait until you are sure about this move?
Also, I decided long ago not to move away from my comfortable home and into someone else's place. If I were to be married again, we would have to find a new "our" place - not mine or his. The whole thing would have to be joint, and in a place we both agreed was where we wanted to live. It sounds like you chose the mountains because it's your happy place?
Congrats on your eight months. It's early still. Can the girlfriend wait until you are sure about this move?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Thanks for your input! Yes i really do love the mountains but we are in the mountains most weekends anyway we have talked of moving somewhere less congested then Denver in the future.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Congratulations on your 8 months of recovery!
I would not hesitate to tell your father that there is no alcohol in your home. It's your home and your safe place and that's important.
I have no advice about moving in with your girlfriend. All relationships require compromise at times, and in doing so you work things out together. Hopefully you can figure out what will work for you.
I would not hesitate to tell your father that there is no alcohol in your home. It's your home and your safe place and that's important.
I have no advice about moving in with your girlfriend. All relationships require compromise at times, and in doing so you work things out together. Hopefully you can figure out what will work for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Like others have said, I wouldn't hesitate to lay down the rules of the house - ideally before he gets there.
as for your gf - there's nothing wrong with talking things out - might make some of the fear dissipate?
Congrats on 8 months
D
as for your gf - there's nothing wrong with talking things out - might make some of the fear dissipate?
Congrats on 8 months
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
Some great suggestions above. Congratulations on 8 months that is awesome. These things can certainly provide stress, I would chose in such a manner that protects your sobriety first. Nothing will be right or good if you are drinking.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
People can drink in my house, I don’t mind social drinkers. Alcoholics may not drink in my house. I will not aid in their destruction, and I don’t want that behaviour under my roof.
This is an external issue, something I don’t need to be afraid of. As a recovered alcoholic my internal condition is such that my reactions are much the same as ordinary folk to this sort of thing. Drunken behaviour is not part of my life.
This is an external issue, something I don’t need to be afraid of. As a recovered alcoholic my internal condition is such that my reactions are much the same as ordinary folk to this sort of thing. Drunken behaviour is not part of my life.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you posted and good comments above.
A few thoughts-
I don't mind if people (like my non-alcoholic dad or friends) drink around me when eating out, at a party or such. My fiance and I do not keep any alcohol in the house and have pretty much decided that we are not going to serve alcohol at our wedding next year. Not because either of us is "scared" of it or such, but because that simply isn't our lifestyle.
Sometimes telling people what we want, allow in our personal space, etc is tough- I know that some months were easier, harder, more confusing, happier, etc, in the evolution of my first year of sobriety (I am now 19+ mo)- and it's something we learn to do more easily and clearly, and sooner!
As far as the moving in together....we did a "new place for our new family." We knew early on that our relationship was IT and began making joint decisions for our future early- with his 15 year old daughter in mind, with our upcoming threesome living together, everything- and part of that was me knowing and telling him I would never be able to live in his house, and us looking for and finding a wonderful place of our own. It's been exactly the right thing for all of us.
Are you working a program? The times I had the most fear (or other disturbance) or have them now, I turn even closer to my dedicated path of recovery in AA.
Take care of yourself- as we say in AA "to any lengths" is not far enough to go to protect our sobriety. You can do it.
A few thoughts-
I don't mind if people (like my non-alcoholic dad or friends) drink around me when eating out, at a party or such. My fiance and I do not keep any alcohol in the house and have pretty much decided that we are not going to serve alcohol at our wedding next year. Not because either of us is "scared" of it or such, but because that simply isn't our lifestyle.
Sometimes telling people what we want, allow in our personal space, etc is tough- I know that some months were easier, harder, more confusing, happier, etc, in the evolution of my first year of sobriety (I am now 19+ mo)- and it's something we learn to do more easily and clearly, and sooner!
As far as the moving in together....we did a "new place for our new family." We knew early on that our relationship was IT and began making joint decisions for our future early- with his 15 year old daughter in mind, with our upcoming threesome living together, everything- and part of that was me knowing and telling him I would never be able to live in his house, and us looking for and finding a wonderful place of our own. It's been exactly the right thing for all of us.
Are you working a program? The times I had the most fear (or other disturbance) or have them now, I turn even closer to my dedicated path of recovery in AA.
Take care of yourself- as we say in AA "to any lengths" is not far enough to go to protect our sobriety. You can do it.
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
I think it's a great idea that your girlfriend has come up with. Think how much you will enjoy having her right there all the time. As for your dad I would make an excuse to stop him coming to visit. It would only make things harder for you. If you really don't want to move in with her then it might highlight that there is a problem there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by comtnman740 
My father who is an active alcoholic is coming to visit me for just over a week. He's planning on staying with me for 3 days and am struggling with how to tell him that drinking in my house will make me uncomfortable.
imo, it would be wise to say alcohol is not allowed in your house and very wise before he shows up.
it is quite simple- something like,"dad, ive come to realize i have a problem with alcohol and have stopped drinking. something i am doing to stay sober is not allowing alcohol in my home. i hope you can understand that no alcohol is allowed in my home now."
is it possible the struggle isnt with what to say, but with how what you say is received by your father?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
