I let my AH have it
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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I let my AH have it
There was almost a change in plans, and he almost came home a day early, and I pretty much lost it. I have been hanging by a thread keeping it together for the kids, and I haven't had a chance to really process all that is going on.
Anyway, I let into him on the phone--let him know how his actions have hurt me, have hurt all of us. Let him know that even though I am home, and he has been in the hospital, I am not having the time of my life or anything..I am hurt and angry, etc. I am furious with him for making the choices he did to start this crazy cycle again.
I told him I knew it wasn't good for his recovery to hear all of this so soon, and I was sorry, but when he may be coming home a little early (ended up not happening), he needs to know that I am not in a good place for him psychologically.
Surprisingly, he took it well. He apologized, admitted he was being stupid, admitted he wasn't listening to me, admitted he was being stubborn and selfish, and told me that he was glad that I let him know...that he knows I needed to get that out. He reiterated that he understands that he is not welcome in the home if he is in an altered state. He reminded me that once he stopped drinking a couple of years ago, that was it (no relapses until this summer).
We've been married almost ten years, and we have had two 4-month periods of this addiction mess; those 4-month periods have been hell to live with though. I can only pray that we don't have to go through another addiction to something because I am guessing it will be worse than this time. Hopefully he stays steady in his recovery group.
Anyway, I let into him on the phone--let him know how his actions have hurt me, have hurt all of us. Let him know that even though I am home, and he has been in the hospital, I am not having the time of my life or anything..I am hurt and angry, etc. I am furious with him for making the choices he did to start this crazy cycle again.
I told him I knew it wasn't good for his recovery to hear all of this so soon, and I was sorry, but when he may be coming home a little early (ended up not happening), he needs to know that I am not in a good place for him psychologically.
Surprisingly, he took it well. He apologized, admitted he was being stupid, admitted he wasn't listening to me, admitted he was being stubborn and selfish, and told me that he was glad that I let him know...that he knows I needed to get that out. He reiterated that he understands that he is not welcome in the home if he is in an altered state. He reminded me that once he stopped drinking a couple of years ago, that was it (no relapses until this summer).
We've been married almost ten years, and we have had two 4-month periods of this addiction mess; those 4-month periods have been hell to live with though. I can only pray that we don't have to go through another addiction to something because I am guessing it will be worse than this time. Hopefully he stays steady in his recovery group.
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I don't know of such a place around here. I think we will be fine...
Before I let him have it, I was very worried because I am not one to hold things in and to pretend things are ok when they are not. After he listened to me and apologized, I do feel better. I know actions speak louder than words, and I am optimistic that he will do exactly what he did last time and go full on into AA meetings and recovery mode, but obviously, time will tell.
We have enough space in our home that we can get that space from each other when needed so I am hopeful. If we need more space later, I am sure we can figure something out.
Before I let him have it, I was very worried because I am not one to hold things in and to pretend things are ok when they are not. After he listened to me and apologized, I do feel better. I know actions speak louder than words, and I am optimistic that he will do exactly what he did last time and go full on into AA meetings and recovery mode, but obviously, time will tell.
We have enough space in our home that we can get that space from each other when needed so I am hopeful. If we need more space later, I am sure we can figure something out.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Heya Dejavu
The way I see it, there are 2 recoveries: his and yours. And you are responsible for one of those. While it is generally better to communicate without letting anger confuse things, there is nothing at all wrong with telling someone if you happen to be angry. Sometimes it is also good just to get it off your chest. You have every right to feel pissed the hell off, and if you need to vent a little, then there needs to be room for that too.
The way I see it, there are 2 recoveries: his and yours. And you are responsible for one of those. While it is generally better to communicate without letting anger confuse things, there is nothing at all wrong with telling someone if you happen to be angry. Sometimes it is also good just to get it off your chest. You have every right to feel pissed the hell off, and if you need to vent a little, then there needs to be room for that too.
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Sounds like you are very abusive. You don't care about others, only about lashing out and getting a real good feel off that. It's a type of high.
Sounds like he'd heal quicker away from you.
There is no controlling others in good ways. There is only finding a point to start looking inward at ourselves and choosing healthy actions IF we want healthy lives. Some people don't.
Sounds like he'd heal quicker away from you.
There is no controlling others in good ways. There is only finding a point to start looking inward at ourselves and choosing healthy actions IF we want healthy lives. Some people don't.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
Sounds like you are very abusive. You don't care about others, only about lashing out and getting a real good feel off that. It's a type of high.
Everything ok with you, KTF?
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It sounds like you were expressing your emotions, which IMO is far, far different than attacking him. Anger is real and stuffing it down usually causes more damage.
If it's not coming out as violence, you have every right to express your feelings. Yes, it's usually better to express them calmly, but you're human and you've been through the mill with this.
Are you getting any support for your side of the street?
Sending you a hug.
If it's not coming out as violence, you have every right to express your feelings. Yes, it's usually better to express them calmly, but you're human and you've been through the mill with this.
Are you getting any support for your side of the street?
Sending you a hug.
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Dejavuwife,
I'm very sorry!
Yes, right in the thick of my own trigger of healing from/dealing with abuse. I honestly don't where that came from.
Sending peace and hopefully some good, playful moments for your own life today. You have every right to as much space and time for healing as you need... and also the right for your emotions to come out, any which way they do. Period.
Trust your own inner instincts on this, no matter what I or anyone else says.
Again, my apologies.
KTF
I'm very sorry!
Yes, right in the thick of my own trigger of healing from/dealing with abuse. I honestly don't where that came from.
Sending peace and hopefully some good, playful moments for your own life today. You have every right to as much space and time for healing as you need... and also the right for your emotions to come out, any which way they do. Period.
Trust your own inner instincts on this, no matter what I or anyone else says.
Again, my apologies.
KTF
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Things are better now...I had to let that off my chest to have him back. Thank you, KTF, and I assure you I was not abusive towards him. I am pretty good (most of the time) at not name-calling. being nasty, etc.
We have decided we are both raw, and have a code word to stop conversations if they are pushing buttons. So far so good. Our overall feel is that we will get through this. I did fall apart crying yesterday one more time, but no more explosions or anger--just crying and hugs.
But I am tired of crying...hope I can get out of the crying pit soon. And yes, Vivisectus, there are definitely two recoveries going on here, and I have realized that he is not going to see things the way I do, and that is ok. We just need to keep giving each other grace and space to grow and heal.
We have decided we are both raw, and have a code word to stop conversations if they are pushing buttons. So far so good. Our overall feel is that we will get through this. I did fall apart crying yesterday one more time, but no more explosions or anger--just crying and hugs.
But I am tired of crying...hope I can get out of the crying pit soon. And yes, Vivisectus, there are definitely two recoveries going on here, and I have realized that he is not going to see things the way I do, and that is ok. We just need to keep giving each other grace and space to grow and heal.
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