How to get to place of acceptance
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 19
How to get to place of acceptance
I wanted to ask how others were able to leave someone they love. How you were brave enough to make that step to take your kids and leave your own home because you know he would not leave. How to walk away after 20 years. And I have been to Alanon and counselling. I understand about detachment but just do not think I could ever really detach enough in same home...
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
When I was going to leave I got to the point that I was done. What brought me back is giving him one more chance.... after one more chance....
Detachment is a temporary action. It's not long term. It is extremely hard to detach in the same house especially if you stay focused on the emotional aspect of your relationship.
Detachment is a temporary action. It's not long term. It is extremely hard to detach in the same house especially if you stay focused on the emotional aspect of your relationship.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I left because I was so tired and the thought of spending one more night was soul crushing. I was terrified and second guessed myself but an amazing thing happened, within a couple of days of no contact I felt more relaxed than I had in years.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
There were a couple of turning points for me- he said and did things that were so completely unloving and selfish- then verbally cutting and abusive- and I still believe he loves me- he is just so alcoholic and so unbalanced mentally by that- insecure, ashamed, and arrogantly in denial at the same time. I just couldn't live anymore with someone who treated me so shabbily- and when confronted with everything still wouldn't go to AA and throw out the booze. After 33 years of marriage it took a lot of courage, some good friends, and a good counselor. I had surrounded myself with people who love me and treat me well and the contrast was startling. Once I pointed out to him my friends treat me better than he did and he said,"Your friends don't have to live with you!"
Get your own good life for you and your daughter- even within the marriage. Everything doesn't have to revolve around alcohol. Make friends get hobbies get a good job get healthy. Expect that he will resent this but do it anyway. If he gets healthy he can join you and your daughter in being happy- otherwise, eventually you will have a good life set up like a landing pad.
Get your own good life for you and your daughter- even within the marriage. Everything doesn't have to revolve around alcohol. Make friends get hobbies get a good job get healthy. Expect that he will resent this but do it anyway. If he gets healthy he can join you and your daughter in being happy- otherwise, eventually you will have a good life set up like a landing pad.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Smile, I truly feel for you and your situation. As parents , we lead by example. Staying , says to your kids that this is an acceptable standard of life. Is that what you want them to grow up and believe.? Do you want them to experience the emptiness and loneliness on a daily basis? Having to live in an addicted household has to be complete hell on a child. You have a choice, they don’t. It is our duty as parents to protect. Thank goodness your kids have one sane parent And they need you. They need you to be healthy, and of sound mind. I did not get involved with an alcoholic until after my children were grown and on their own, but 6 years after the fact , I still cringe at the thought of what I accepted, what I allowed to continue on a daily basis, and for what ? some out of control man who by day’s end was in a blackout, argumentative state of mind. Everything wrong in his life was somebody else’s fault. Nothing more unattractive than an adult who lacks self control, their selfish life choices and how they get to wipe it off on everyone one around them, refusing to take responsibility, and make it like we are crazy and demanding.... it’s those times ,I just wanted to scream grow the f up. I guess when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying, you will have arrived at your life decision. I certainly wish you and your kids a healthy future.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I agree that your actions have to lead your feelings. In my situation I stayed and stayed and was lied to repeatedly and gaslighted and taken advantage of until finally one day it had to end because he was violent. So it was out of my control. Please don't wait until it comes to that. The more the addict is protected from the consequences of his/her drug use, like the consequence of relationships disintegrating, the sicker we allow them to become... and the sicker we become ourselves.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I have to detach from the person whom I planned to spend my life with then what is the point. Sure, I learned to detach from the immediate behaviors and learned to control my own reactions but for me detaching is not something I would ever want to live with on a permanent basis.
As the saying goes……when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, you’ll do what’s best for you.
I had had enough, enough lies, enough manipulations, enough false promises and FINALLY saw and ACCEPT what I denied and put off for far too long holding onto hope.
As the saying goes……when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, you’ll do what’s best for you.
I had had enough, enough lies, enough manipulations, enough false promises and FINALLY saw and ACCEPT what I denied and put off for far too long holding onto hope.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Smile...I would add this to what atalose has already said....to understand that there will a certain amount of grieving and discomfort, in the beginning...provided that you haven't done the grieving before the separation..
Even if you have done a lot of grieving, before, there will still be some...
Many people stay in an unhappy place, because they fear/dread the short term pain to get to the long term gain.....The preference for the comfortable and known over the unknown....the fear of change...
I think that it is important to gather a support system, close....alanon and a therapist, as you already mentioned, on an ongoing basis is a good place to start...as well as good friends and family, if you are fortunate enough to have those.....
Faith in yourself that you have the strength, inside you, to face whatever you need to is, perhaps the greatest of all....
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the determination to do what you need to do in spite of shaky knees......
Even if you have done a lot of grieving, before, there will still be some...
Many people stay in an unhappy place, because they fear/dread the short term pain to get to the long term gain.....The preference for the comfortable and known over the unknown....the fear of change...
I think that it is important to gather a support system, close....alanon and a therapist, as you already mentioned, on an ongoing basis is a good place to start...as well as good friends and family, if you are fortunate enough to have those.....
Faith in yourself that you have the strength, inside you, to face whatever you need to is, perhaps the greatest of all....
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the determination to do what you need to do in spite of shaky knees......
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Bravo Dandy. This is the raw truth right here. I was absolutely TERRIFIED of how my life would change, how my children's lives would change, and how my XAH would cope. Fear kept me in that place for YEARS until I began to become well myself. To work on me, and to come with the terms that whatever would be thrown my way, I would be able to handle it. It's not always easy, but life never is.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Many people stay in an unhappy place, because they fear/dread the short term pain to get to the long term gain.....The preference for the comfortable and known over the unknown....the fear of change...
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I used to drink with my partner, matching him drink for drink, sometimes more.
I got to a point where I had lost a house, lost a business and was having blackouts. My liver enzymes were all messed up, and I was having excruciating stomach cramps.
During this time, I also underwent a profound religious conversion. I joined the Catholic Church and started experiencing miracles in my life, and a call to something other than the life I was living.
I remember reading posts here that seemed to indicate the posters were more cerebral in their decisions to stay or leave someone. In other words, they didn't make those decisions based on their emotions. The emotions were there, but they used their intellects to ask themselves hard questions about the wisdom in staying with their addicts. This concept was foreign to me in the beginning, because my family of origin was driven by emotions. I was largely driven by fear. Fear of change in my own life, and fear that my partner would die if I left.
Through a series of events that necessitated my moving away for a job, we eventually separated. The decision to leave my partner, and the aftermath, has been a very painful journey. We are amicable today, and in the middle of an easy divorce. I am involved in ministry at my parish and God is rebuilding my life, spiritually, emotionally and materially.
I got to a point where I had lost a house, lost a business and was having blackouts. My liver enzymes were all messed up, and I was having excruciating stomach cramps.
During this time, I also underwent a profound religious conversion. I joined the Catholic Church and started experiencing miracles in my life, and a call to something other than the life I was living.
I remember reading posts here that seemed to indicate the posters were more cerebral in their decisions to stay or leave someone. In other words, they didn't make those decisions based on their emotions. The emotions were there, but they used their intellects to ask themselves hard questions about the wisdom in staying with their addicts. This concept was foreign to me in the beginning, because my family of origin was driven by emotions. I was largely driven by fear. Fear of change in my own life, and fear that my partner would die if I left.
Through a series of events that necessitated my moving away for a job, we eventually separated. The decision to leave my partner, and the aftermath, has been a very painful journey. We are amicable today, and in the middle of an easy divorce. I am involved in ministry at my parish and God is rebuilding my life, spiritually, emotionally and materially.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Alcoholics Lie
Alcoholics and addicts lie. Firstly, they lie to themselves. They are in denial and their minds refuse to see what they are doing to themselves. Maybe one part of them knows that they are addicts, but the drug has such a powerful grip on their minds and bodies, they continue to destroy themselves and others.
Since the addict is lying to themselves, they are lying to others by default. And even more, they will lie, cheat, steal and manipulate anyone and everyone to keep the game going.
Don’t Enable
Enabling is allowing someone with inappropriate behavior to continue do that behavior.
Alcoholics and addicts lie. Firstly, they lie to themselves. They are in denial and their minds refuse to see what they are doing to themselves. Maybe one part of them knows that they are addicts, but the drug has such a powerful grip on their minds and bodies, they continue to destroy themselves and others.
Since the addict is lying to themselves, they are lying to others by default. And even more, they will lie, cheat, steal and manipulate anyone and everyone to keep the game going.
Don’t Enable
Enabling is allowing someone with inappropriate behavior to continue do that behavior.
From an article about trauma bonding:
Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.
Often, you go back because – painful though it is to live with an abuser – your sense of self-reliance is utterly eroded and it hurts to battle the emotional attachment to him. I was able to successfully leave my abuser on the third serious attempt.
Time really is a healer.
To stay out, I had to fight not only my abuser and his determined hoovering – I also had to fight myself. Many times I wanted to answer his calls. Often, I lay in bed at night, imagining the route I’d drive to get back to him. I could just hop in the car and go! That would stop the ache in my ribs, right? When he came to my door to insist on my return, a part of me cried out to give in each time.
I listened to my head rather than my heart. The trauma-bond weakened with each day that passed. Life got easier. I grew stronger.
Often, you go back because – painful though it is to live with an abuser – your sense of self-reliance is utterly eroded and it hurts to battle the emotional attachment to him. I was able to successfully leave my abuser on the third serious attempt.
Time really is a healer.
To stay out, I had to fight not only my abuser and his determined hoovering – I also had to fight myself. Many times I wanted to answer his calls. Often, I lay in bed at night, imagining the route I’d drive to get back to him. I could just hop in the car and go! That would stop the ache in my ribs, right? When he came to my door to insist on my return, a part of me cried out to give in each time.
I listened to my head rather than my heart. The trauma-bond weakened with each day that passed. Life got easier. I grew stronger.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
A basic lie I bought into was that my husband loved me and that I was perfect for him. What that really meant was I put up with his crap.
We're still married, living in separate cities for 1 1/2 years now. He's recently relapsed again but I'm now surrounded by a life I've been building that's full of things, people and places I truly enjoy.
We're still married, living in separate cities for 1 1/2 years now. He's recently relapsed again but I'm now surrounded by a life I've been building that's full of things, people and places I truly enjoy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 19
Thank you all. I have a lot to think about. Will go back to counselor because I need help to see things clearly for myself. Sometimes it is difficult to see a situation when you are living in it every day.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Earlier this year I was in a situation I struggled against. Realized the problem was I didn't accept it. Prayed for help in reaching acceptance and it happened. I'm an agnostic and it happened anyway: I was given the grace of acceptance.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
I wasn't brave. I didn't leave until the person I loved was completely gone and replaced with the worst roommate you can imagine. Not just a drunk, belligerent and hateful person, but someone who attacked me verbally on a regular basis and began to throw things "toward" me. I left because my best friend was gone - dead - and was replaced by a horrible person that couldn't reason for themselves and wouldn't listen to reason from others. I left when I realized my child couldn't have their friends over anymore. I know plenty of us stay in the situation I describe, but for me there was no choice anymore. And honestly, I didn't even seriously consider leaving until my dad told me that I had to. It took someone from the outside telling me it was ok, before I could give myself permission. You will be in my thoughts.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
Smile.. thinking of you. One thing I have noticed since I left... the people around me treat me with love and kindness. If I notice abuse I end the relationship that instant. I am surrounded by loving caring people- the abusive people can go abuse each other and leave me alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
When someone told me that it was ok if I still loved axh, and to not be married to him, that was a light bulb moment. I was waiting to unlove him and i waited and waited, it just wasn't happening. He needed to me to "save him" from the next disaster.
I divorced him loving him more then the day I married him, hardest thing I ever did. But, the best thing I ever did for me. Almost 3 years out, he's a train wreck and I'm not. Good luck in your decision.
When someone told me that it was ok if I still loved axh, and to not be married to him, that was a light bulb moment. I was waiting to unlove him and i waited and waited, it just wasn't happening. He needed to me to "save him" from the next disaster.
I divorced him loving him more then the day I married him, hardest thing I ever did. But, the best thing I ever did for me. Almost 3 years out, he's a train wreck and I'm not. Good luck in your decision.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Smile, here are a few quotes for you from my "Wisdom of SR" folder:
Someone said to me, "Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it didn't have value.
We don't always get to keep the ones we love. You can still love them (as I do mine)--but it doesn't mean that you get to keep them.
I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.
I think this from Sasha
is right on the money, at least for me. It's tough to leave someone you love, but is it really any better to wait until you hate them? I kept reading here that I'd "know when/if it was time" to get out of my marriage. Like you, I kept waiting for that unmistakable sign, that moment of "knowing."
For me, I think the tipping point was when I began to understand how much of my reluctance to leave was really fear rather than love. Yes, I loved him and I still do in many ways, but I am absolutely clear now, 2 years post divorce, that I cannot keep him. I don't think I knew 100% that I'd done the right thing until a long time after the divorce, but now I do know.
Someone said to me, "Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it didn't have value.
We don't always get to keep the ones we love. You can still love them (as I do mine)--but it doesn't mean that you get to keep them.
I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.
I think this from Sasha
I think sometimes your actions have to lead your feelings. If you wait until it feels totally right to leave, you'll never leave.
is right on the money, at least for me. It's tough to leave someone you love, but is it really any better to wait until you hate them? I kept reading here that I'd "know when/if it was time" to get out of my marriage. Like you, I kept waiting for that unmistakable sign, that moment of "knowing."
For me, I think the tipping point was when I began to understand how much of my reluctance to leave was really fear rather than love. Yes, I loved him and I still do in many ways, but I am absolutely clear now, 2 years post divorce, that I cannot keep him. I don't think I knew 100% that I'd done the right thing until a long time after the divorce, but now I do know.
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