BPGF638

My ABF will turn 40 on the 10th of October. He has offhandedly mentioned twice in the past couple of days that he is thinking about drinking on his birthday. He will be 3 months sober the day before. I did not respond to his statement either time. He has literally said that he will just start over the next day.
He didn't drink everyday. He binge drinks and when he does he turns into a monster and has had some pretty serious law enforcement issues while intoxicated.
He didn't drink everyday. He might even go a couple of weeks without drinking; however, I define addiction as anything that has caused negative consequences and you still choose not to stop.
Sorry, I digress. I want to talk to him about it sooner than later.
I do not want to issue an ultimatum because I think it would be an empty threat.
Things I have thought about.
1) Calling his friends and asking them not to celebrate his birthday with him if he will be drinking. Pretty sure they would be on board.
2) Asking him to read the letter I asked him to write me when he stopped drinking. (I never read the letter. I handed it back to him and told him it was really a letter to himself and asked him to read it anytime he wanted to drink)
3) Tell him I won't celebrate his birthday with him if he chooses to drink.
4) Heck, I don't know what to do!
***I am recognize that I am codependent***

honeypig

My vote goes for #2 followed by #3, BPGF.

Ultimately, it's not up to you to try to control his actions/decisions/life. I don't think it's out of line to ask him to read the letter, to remind himself of his reasons. I think it's totally reasonable to tell him you won't celebrate his birthday w/him if he is drinking, but you have to REALLY MEAN THIS, and have a plan in place. If the party is at your place, what will you do if he drinks? Do you have a place to go? Will you go there? If the party isn't at your place, do you have a way to leave, as well as a place to go? All that needs to be ready in your mind before the occasion arises.

Next is the bigger picture: Since he apparently doesn't see the need for total abstinence, what do YOU want for your future? More of this? Or something different? Might be time to consider that, too.

Are you getting some kind of support for yourself, like Alanon? I strongly suggest it--great resource for learning and also great place for personal growth, IMHO. SR and Alanon were a powerful combo for me in the earlier days.

Hope you can take some time to read around the forum. Lots and lots of education and inspiration here.

SparkleKitty

The very first thing you can do (easier said than done, I know) is to accept that you have no control over his choice whether or not to drink on his birthday. All you can do is take the information of whether he drinks or not and decide what it means for you and your relationship.

You already recognize that any ultimatum from you would be empty and that's okay. But it is also okay for you to have a boundary that you don't want to be around when he is drinking. You don't even have to tell him you have that boundary. I mean, we can likely take it as read that he already knows how you feel about him drinking, right? So it should not come as any surprise to him if you bail on his birthday celebration when he starts tipping back.

You can't control him, or get his friends to control him. You can control YOU, and you should, to protect yourself from the fallout of his choices. And decide what it means in the long run that he is clearly not serious about never drinking again.

hopeful4

I second what Sparkle just said. I myself would just have a good plan in place for ME if that is what he chooses to do. I may also set up a boundary that says he cannot drink at the home so you don't have to leave yourself.

Just my two cents. Sorry you are going through this.

BPGF638

We aren't having a party. We would more than likely go out. He is a social butterfly when he drinks up until the point that he snaps.
I do have the plan not to go if he intends on drinking and if he does end up drinking without "planning to", I will leave.
I have looked at joining a support group; however, proximity is an issue for me. I have minimally looked for support on-line.
I have told him in the past that it is his choice whether or not to drink and that he must be prepared to suffer the consequences.
Honestly, I think I am most scared that, for once, I don't know what I would do/threaten to do if he does choose to drink. In the past I would have no problem saying, "I'm out of here!" but I have grown to realize that more than likely I won't leave this time.

dandylion

BPGF.....I am giving you the link to our "library" of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....dozens and dozens of articles....
I hope you will take the time to look through them and read the ones that appeal to you....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

dandylion

BPGF.....I get the impression that he is "white knuckling" it, and not involved in any kind of program....?

AnvilheadII

that he is already planning his next drink gives you the best insight into how seriously he is taking the problems that his drinking causes. regardless of whether he uses the excuse of his birthday, flag day, or Tuesday. he's just looking forward to the next drinking opportunity, as HE sees it.

i'd likely not say anything. i would have an alternate plan in place, including an alternate place to go if needed. if you two are going out, i'd be likely to simply grab the keys and purse and leave him there if he orders a drink.

notice in none of the above was there an ultimatum, suggestion or request that HE do anything different. only a script for the actions YOU would take in response. he knows how you feel. he knows the damage he's caused. he knows that drinking is a bad idea. so if he chooses to go that route again, fine, have at 'er bud........you just will not be in the vicinity, dealing with his obnoxious drunk self. what HE does is up to him.

BPGF638

That is correct. He is white knuckling it.

dandylion

BPGF.....since he is not in any kind of program.....it is very, very, likely that he is going to drink....
that alcoholic voice talks to the alcoholic, inside their head...24/7....even when it doesn't show to others....
More than likely, he has been looking forward to when he could rationalize having a "drink"......but, as you know, with an alcoholic, one drink just calls for more drinks....

there is a big difference in not being intoxicated and being in genuine recovery.....

I am going to give you a link to a very good article which is a good yard stick, I think.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

SparkleKitty

I understand, but a lot of people come to this forum looking for answers on how to "fix" the addict(s) in their life. Encouraging them to keep the focus on the addict and not on themselves can feed the illusion that they have any control over the addict's choices.

dandylion

sephen.....generally, alcoholics resent anyone who tries to push sobriety on to them.....or even try to play the counselor role for them....
They are more receptive to other alcoholics...in AA, or their sponsosr, or their own counselor or therapist. Those people are much more equipped to deal with them....
Having compassion and not being obstructive is about as far a a spouse can go without stirring up resentment.....
He is asking her for permission to drink, that day, in a round about way....
But, he I s going to drink if he really wants to, no matter what she says.....

AnvilheadII

stephen - BP was asking for opinions and insight just as you did about your son's drinking. i understand you very recently got sober yourself. i am sure that BP HAS been sympathetic, empathetic and beyond loving.
it is important for loved ones to know that they have options and not every damn thing revolves around the addict or newly sober alcoholic and we can have boundaries and resolve to no longer let their drinking dictate our days.

Seren

I am sure that if I were with a man who became violent when he drank, and he was basically telling me he was planning on drinking, that I would be very anxious as well.

So, you could have him read the letter he wrote, but I hope that you won't have any expectations about how that will keep him from wanting to drink on his birthday.

I suppose if it were me, I would make sure to have some idea of a back-up plan if the started drinking. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Do you have some idea of what you might like to do?

Vivisectus

It may seem harsh (I would not use the word militant. It has somewhat sexist overtones) but it is also crucial to avoid slipping into that enabler role that most partners of alcoholics have a lot of difficulty avoiding. There is nothing too harsh about expecting an alcoholic partner to take responsibility for their own actions like a grownup, and every time you sugar-coat your message to them, you risk doing more harm than good. It is not easy to avoid a situation where you are just making it easier for them to go down that rationalization / delusion / self pity road, which in turn makes it easier to drink.You also risk getting into a situation where it becomes easy for the alcoholic to project the frustration they feel at not being able to control themselves at you, when they should be examining themselves.

Sometimes helping wisely and making people feel good about themselves is not the same thing.

As to him deserving credit for not drinking for 3 months... there are two sides to that. It is good that he stopped, sure. But on the other hand, it is also a little bit like expecting credit for not setting fire to the living-room sofa for all of 3 months. It is positive and commendable to stop negative behavior, yes. But no-one owes anyone a medal for commonly decent behavior either.

Hawkeye13

He's planning a relapse, plain and simple.

Stopping drinking is not recovery.
I had to change everything to recover,
but could "quit" fairly easily for many months at at time.

Do what's best for you. He's thinking of himself and his addiction here
not the impact it has had, and continues to have, on you.

You deserve a sober partner, not a potentially violent one who
isn't truly in recovery.

PuzzledHeart

I used to teach computer classes to people who were battling addiction. They were super nice and it was really a joy to work with them. I would hear their stories about how they lost contact with their families and friends and I just couldn't get it. If only their loved ones could see them now! If only they could give them a chance!

Now that I'm here as a sister of a drug/alcohol abuser (whether or not that's in the past, as she claims, is a HUGE question) I realize how ridiculous that expectation was. It's like someone stabbing an ER physician with a knife and then expecting that very same physician to fix him or her.

I'm not going to diss your own struggle and accomplishments, but you can't expect BP to take on the role as healer when her own heart is broken, when she's THIS close to leaving. If her boyfriend is truly in recovery, he would understand that. He would understand that every time he even mentions the possibility of consuming alcohol he's taking that knife and twisting it into her. So at the moment, his struggle is his, and her struggle is hers.

stephengb

Thinking and doing are entirely different things. There is nobody in recovery that never thinks about having a drink and particularly early on. So it is a bit too early to damn him entirely for being shaky in recovery.

The point I was making was simply a supportive and understanding approach may result in positive outcome. That doesn't mean be weak or compromise. Rarely does a hard nose approach work with anybody, drinker or otherwise (also can be more risky). I also said if drinking is going to happen get away from it.

If he has been violent anytime, whether sober or drunk, leave him.

PuzzledHeart

Stephen, God forbid if my husband had an affair. If he started ogling women in front of me when the affair was still fresh, and gave me the line thinking and doing are two different things, my next appointment would be with a divorce lawyer. Ogling women isn't hitting your partner, but certainly in this context it's emotionally abusive. And emotional abuse is good enough reason to leave.

He may tell me that the reason why he had the affair was because he was broken inside. He may have FOO issues that still need to be resolved. He may be even begging for my support even as he continued to look at other women, but I wouldn't be able to help him. I would be too heartbroken to do that.

And honestly , if he was truly repentant, he would know that I wouldn't be able to support him. He would know that I was going through my own pain and couldn't bear the load of two broken hearts. He would acknowledge the pain that he put me through and turn to others who haven't been hurt by him to help him on his journey.

Do you see the parallel here? Her ABF is twisting the knife by merely mentioning the idea that he wants a drink. He's in early recovery, AND he's white knuckling this as this is going down so there's a good probability that his thoughts of drinking are going to turn real.

If she was your daughter, would you tell her to stay? Would you tell her to be supportive? Or would you urge her first and foremost that she takes care of herself because it's beginning to look like a replay of What Has Happened Before? If he's shaky in recovery, then that's even more reason to make sure that she takes care of herself.

She doesn't have to be a jerk about it - I don't think anyone here has encouraged her to do that. But to serve as her ABF's emotional support while he threatens to drink again, IMHO that's just asking too much.

Sasha1972

I don't think you need to have any kind of conversation with him at all. You know what you need to know - he's planning to get drunk on his birthday and is probably going to carry through with it - so all you can do is decide whether you want to be around when he starts knocking back. (I am guessing you probably do not want to be around). I think it would be perfectly fine for you to leave the birthday celebration when the drinking starts (because do you really need to witness more drunken nonsense?) or even to not go out with him at all, because you have no reason to think that he won't drink, and you don't want to waste an evening being anxious about when the booze is going to appear.

(all of the above goes double if he gets into physical fights and cops get involved when he's drinking).