So here I am
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 14
So here I am
So here I find myself. I'm nearly 42 and have been working in restaurants and bars since I was 16 - but I had been vomiting drunk the first time in maybe 4th grade. Went through some family stresses (and drunken self imposed stresses in early 2014 and went from what you'd call heavy drinking to pretty dang heavy drinking (although had been doing some pretty dang hardcore drinking during the 12 years I'd been working at this college bar). At that point, while id had some weird behaviors at times over the years when real drunk, I started having some personality changes quite regularly - and sometimes it didn't even require being blackout drunk.
Time and statistics started to work against me - couple little incidents with the law. Legal ramifications were always able to be minimized...so in my arrogance I rolled on. Fast forward to the last few months. This summer my dad took my family to the beach - he and his wife don't drink a drop. So I resolved to stay sober - you know, no hard liquor or black out drunks - keep it to 12 or so 9.7% beers in a day. I was on vacation! What do you want from me? Yikes.
A few months ago, I decided to kinda keep the drinking lower profile, away from the sight of my kids. I almost was functional again!
This is my 4th day without drinking after a 6 week bender, where the only days that can be counted as sober were where I had 6 or less beers that didn't start till near midnight. Last Friday was real, real bad.
So Saturday morning I was too drunk still to work (I had actually gone to work for the end of my shift Friday night - what I remember of it was NOT good).
I was gonna do my usual thing, stare at my phone till enough pain had passed that I was gonna scrape myself up again and hop on back into the cycle. I was on one of my usual news type websites and there was a link to a YouTube video about addiction.
And see, over the past couple weeks I had started to look on the web for things that might be behind my behavior - I had self diagnosed chronic depression, manic depression, and other things but Saturday in my misery just following links I came upon an alcohol abuse questionnaire. 11 questions - there was one about health that I thougt could be a no (I'm thinking bout, cirrhosis) but with the tiniest bit of honesty I'm thinking blood pressure, weight fluctuations, scars, stitches and a reset bone that wow all 11 are yes. Scroll down it says if you answered at least 4 yes, then...well then the tears began to roll.
So I watched videos, heard about genetics and neuro transmitters and that there are well, those of US, that can only control their addictions by not touching it. I heard that the opposite of addiction was connection. And I found this site.
I was gonna go on and on about the stupid ridiculous and scary things that I've done and how ashamed I am...but the biggest shame for me is that I can't control it. There's something wrong with me. I can't drink normally - at least not for long. But this shame is what I have to beat - because the real shame is knowing what alcohol does to me and consuming it anyway.
This is getting long and I just wanted to introduce myself. But I do want to share some thoughts about what it's like to work around alcohol all the time, what family stresses can do and so much more.
And thank you very much to some of the people that have already been kind to me on this site over the last 2 days.
Time and statistics started to work against me - couple little incidents with the law. Legal ramifications were always able to be minimized...so in my arrogance I rolled on. Fast forward to the last few months. This summer my dad took my family to the beach - he and his wife don't drink a drop. So I resolved to stay sober - you know, no hard liquor or black out drunks - keep it to 12 or so 9.7% beers in a day. I was on vacation! What do you want from me? Yikes.
A few months ago, I decided to kinda keep the drinking lower profile, away from the sight of my kids. I almost was functional again!
This is my 4th day without drinking after a 6 week bender, where the only days that can be counted as sober were where I had 6 or less beers that didn't start till near midnight. Last Friday was real, real bad.
So Saturday morning I was too drunk still to work (I had actually gone to work for the end of my shift Friday night - what I remember of it was NOT good).
I was gonna do my usual thing, stare at my phone till enough pain had passed that I was gonna scrape myself up again and hop on back into the cycle. I was on one of my usual news type websites and there was a link to a YouTube video about addiction.
And see, over the past couple weeks I had started to look on the web for things that might be behind my behavior - I had self diagnosed chronic depression, manic depression, and other things but Saturday in my misery just following links I came upon an alcohol abuse questionnaire. 11 questions - there was one about health that I thougt could be a no (I'm thinking bout, cirrhosis) but with the tiniest bit of honesty I'm thinking blood pressure, weight fluctuations, scars, stitches and a reset bone that wow all 11 are yes. Scroll down it says if you answered at least 4 yes, then...well then the tears began to roll.
So I watched videos, heard about genetics and neuro transmitters and that there are well, those of US, that can only control their addictions by not touching it. I heard that the opposite of addiction was connection. And I found this site.
I was gonna go on and on about the stupid ridiculous and scary things that I've done and how ashamed I am...but the biggest shame for me is that I can't control it. There's something wrong with me. I can't drink normally - at least not for long. But this shame is what I have to beat - because the real shame is knowing what alcohol does to me and consuming it anyway.
This is getting long and I just wanted to introduce myself. But I do want to share some thoughts about what it's like to work around alcohol all the time, what family stresses can do and so much more.
And thank you very much to some of the people that have already been kind to me on this site over the last 2 days.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by PerplexednLost 
because the real shame is knowing what alcohol does to me and consuming it anyway.
God does not wish for us to destroy ourselves.
And I knew that was exactly what I was doing.
For the true drunk getting and staying sober helps us to mature.
For this old guy -- it was about time!
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 112
Day 4 right there with you buddy.
It took me a long time grappling with this to decide I was all done because I have a very strong addictive voice telling me all the things that I would miss out on without it.
But at the end of the day I was realizing that I was missing out on stuff due to my drinking, not the other way around. Slowly my whole life started forming around it and I barely even noticed.
Anyways, I think the hardest thing for me was hearing people say things on here and I would say "maybe that's true for you but not for me" and then over the last 2 years realizing that actually it is true for me too.
Good luck and I'll see you around SR!
It took me a long time grappling with this to decide I was all done because I have a very strong addictive voice telling me all the things that I would miss out on without it.
But at the end of the day I was realizing that I was missing out on stuff due to my drinking, not the other way around. Slowly my whole life started forming around it and I barely even noticed.
Anyways, I think the hardest thing for me was hearing people say things on here and I would say "maybe that's true for you but not for me" and then over the last 2 years realizing that actually it is true for me too.
Good luck and I'll see you around SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Welcome to SR PerplexednLost! Sending you support.
Recognizing that you can't drink normally, that you can't control it, and that the only alternative is to stop drinking is a really tremendous step forward. It is only with that recognition at the forefront that you can begin to make the changes necessary to live a better, sober life.
As far as shame, I don't doubt that you feel it, but I would do whatever you can to free yourself from those chains. There is little benefit in such emotions and whatever the source of your addiction, it probably has a fair amount to do with genetics and environment and domestication and other issues that were and are outside of your control. Don't sweat it. Just focus on making the changes necessary to improve your life. A happy, productive, peaceful life is waiting for you.
Originally Posted by PerplexednLost
but the biggest shame for me is that I can't control it. There's something wrong with me. I can't drink normally - at least not for long. But this shame is what I have to beat - because the real shame is knowing what alcohol does to me and consuming it anyway.
As far as shame, I don't doubt that you feel it, but I would do whatever you can to free yourself from those chains. There is little benefit in such emotions and whatever the source of your addiction, it probably has a fair amount to do with genetics and environment and domestication and other issues that were and are outside of your control. Don't sweat it. Just focus on making the changes necessary to improve your life. A happy, productive, peaceful life is waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm glad you joined us, Perplexed! As a chef I spent many years the same way- drinking all nite then powering through the hangover the next day. That made the day terrible so I needed a drink...which started it all over again.
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