Nome79

My AH has been in rehab for one week. At first he was calling serveral times a day, now it’s once maybe twice a day. I don’t know if I should be worried that he is pulling away or if this is normal. I am feeling very vulnerable right now because I have never been here before. He chose to go to rehab on his own, which I am greatful for. But after all our family has been through don’t want to lose him to soberity l, if that makes sense. I feel so confused.

NotAPeach

I have never done this either and I have been married a LONG time. It is very weird. Where my husband is, he has no contact with anyone for 2 weeks I think and then it's under therapeutic conditions with his therapist. He had to agree to give up his cell phone for 30 days. It is SO WEIRD. I have some of the same thoughts you seem to be having, I think, except that there is zero contact. I do trust the people, though. Right now my husband is in detox and then after that it will be more of a rehab situation. I have been having feelings of vulnerability, too. I keep telling myself I don't have any control over this and really that is mostly good. But it is weird and new.

Vivisectus

I am in a similar situation - wife has been in rehab for almost 2 weeks. No cellphones allowed, and they have certain times when they can have phonecalls.

We spoke most nights anyway. But last night I didn't ring. I feel myself swinging between feeling very positive and hopeful to angry and bitter, so I figured maybe I need to just let that work it's way out of my system for a bit first.

Don't take this the wrong way, but when you say you are afraid to "lose him to sobriety", it sounds a little bit like maybe you don't feel good enough to have a sober spouse? Or am I just parsing that all wrong?

BAW81

Nome - I have been where you are with a husband in rehab and feeling disoriented. That said, some of your comments jump out at me:

"worried that he is pulling away" - He is in a place where he needs to focus on himself and that is a very good thing. He needs to address his own issues and that is a very good thing.

"after all our family has been through don't want to lose him to sobriety" - If your family has been through a lot, like mine had, take this time to enjoy the peace as there was probably A LOT of chaos before. If there are children involved, turn your attention to them right now because they need you more than your husband does at the moment.

I've come to understand a lot more about what co-dependence is on this forum and it could be a really good idea for you to explore it as well to help you make sense of the things you're currently feeling. Start your own recovery by doing things that make you, yourself, happy.

Lastly, your husband's time in rehab is still the very beginning and he will not return "changed," "better," "cured."

Sending you hugs.

atalose

What are your expectations of his visit to rehab? What are your thoughts on what rehab is going to do for him and what are you expecting life to look like with him when he gets out?

dejavuwife

I know that the first several days when my AH was detoxing and called, the calls were not helpful for either one of us. He was not thinking clearly enough to say anything of value--I ended up letting most of his calls go to voicemail.

Be glad he is pulling away for now--he needs to do this on his own, and if you are in the picture, he will end up just using you as a scapegoat. Take this time to focus on you and enjoy less chaos for a bit.