250. Now drunk.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
250. Now drunk.
Hello. Firstly, a message to admin: I am the alcoholic formerly known as "MrMctell." Poor guy was lost when I updated my computer.
Anyway, I managed 8 months. I guess a lot of this time I was struggling much harder than I was wiling to admit. Addiction really is wicked tough. I've had some terrible times in the last eight months, truth be told. I feel bad when I read the comments here of people embracing sobriety and the positive effects it has on their lives.
I honestly feel I could be rocking sobriety but for the fact I am getting divorced. It is unpleasant to say the least. I read a lot of comments here, many from people lucky enough to have the support of their husband/wives. I love my wife dearly but she has shown no sympathy to my problems with depression and alcoholism during our entire eight year marriage. She doesn't see these as illnesses, really. Just things that are blighting her life. It's very painful, but she just doesn't care enough about me.
Things I learnt from 8 months sober: 1) I am an alcoholic. If I wasn't it wouldn't have been a struggle. 2) Nothing bad happens if you don't drink. None of my problems stem from sobriety.
It is also worth noting that being drunk round the clock for two days has been deeply unpleasant. I cried in the car on the way to market basket, I cried all the way home, but drank anyway.
F it, day 1 tomorrow.
Anyway, I managed 8 months. I guess a lot of this time I was struggling much harder than I was wiling to admit. Addiction really is wicked tough. I've had some terrible times in the last eight months, truth be told. I feel bad when I read the comments here of people embracing sobriety and the positive effects it has on their lives.
I honestly feel I could be rocking sobriety but for the fact I am getting divorced. It is unpleasant to say the least. I read a lot of comments here, many from people lucky enough to have the support of their husband/wives. I love my wife dearly but she has shown no sympathy to my problems with depression and alcoholism during our entire eight year marriage. She doesn't see these as illnesses, really. Just things that are blighting her life. It's very painful, but she just doesn't care enough about me.
Things I learnt from 8 months sober: 1) I am an alcoholic. If I wasn't it wouldn't have been a struggle. 2) Nothing bad happens if you don't drink. None of my problems stem from sobriety.
It is also worth noting that being drunk round the clock for two days has been deeply unpleasant. I cried in the car on the way to market basket, I cried all the way home, but drank anyway.
F it, day 1 tomorrow.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
I'm sorry for you circumstances MrMcTell. Life certainly is painful. I finally decided that I wasn't going to give anyone or anything the power to create permission for me to drink. Otherwise I would drink over a broken heart, boredom, depression, the fact that I like Porte wine. But I hate redoing day 1 more than anything. And I love my kids dearly.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome. Day 1 is going to suck, seems like you're currently drinking in self pity. Sorry for the bluntness.
You made it 8 months, you have the tools, utilize them. Willpower is huge, especially in events such as a divorce. I can understand how badly that hurts and as much of a cliche it is to say, but "when 1 door closes another opens". And for your sake hopefully this will allow you to self care. Journal, come here often. I've been here for 3 days, reading other stories, not wanting to be there, or where I was as I was getting nowhere other than the path of self destruction.
My significant other doesn't understand why I can't be a "normie", just go out and have a couple and stop, well because I'm an alcoholic. I physically don't have the enzymes to break down alcohol, which cause blackout, often and on little drink. I can't grow them, I can't create them so I can't drink. We've been together 10 years, with me having 9 months here and 9 months there of sobriety, I've put him through hell but I don't see him treading much longer before leaving, I can't blame him, I was an ass to him over and over again. Not sober, sober I will say it loud and proud I AM AMAZING!!! I don't want to give that up for anything.
Best of luck, you're in good company here
You made it 8 months, you have the tools, utilize them. Willpower is huge, especially in events such as a divorce. I can understand how badly that hurts and as much of a cliche it is to say, but "when 1 door closes another opens". And for your sake hopefully this will allow you to self care. Journal, come here often. I've been here for 3 days, reading other stories, not wanting to be there, or where I was as I was getting nowhere other than the path of self destruction.
My significant other doesn't understand why I can't be a "normie", just go out and have a couple and stop, well because I'm an alcoholic. I physically don't have the enzymes to break down alcohol, which cause blackout, often and on little drink. I can't grow them, I can't create them so I can't drink. We've been together 10 years, with me having 9 months here and 9 months there of sobriety, I've put him through hell but I don't see him treading much longer before leaving, I can't blame him, I was an ass to him over and over again. Not sober, sober I will say it loud and proud I AM AMAZING!!! I don't want to give that up for anything.
Best of luck, you're in good company here
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Originally Posted by fini 
GTB,
you could be rocking sobriety but for ....
.....there will always be "but", as life happens.
so you need to find/ pursue a way that can handle all "but for...."
you could be rocking sobriety but for ....
.....there will always be "but", as life happens.
so you need to find/ pursue a way that can handle all "but for...."
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Originally Posted by GotTheBlues
I'm in no way being flippant when I say: "I knew someone would say that."
Some "Buts" are bigger than others, though... I try to think of my problems as exterior-and interior- driven. I have lots of exterior problems right now that are making it difficult to concentrate on my interior issues.
I think that is a reasonable view.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
I'm sorry to see you struggling so much, but welcome back.
I hope this won't come across as harsh or unsympathetic, but in my experience we can't have a partial commitment to recovery - there can't be things that are still perceived as good (or bad) enough reasons to drink.
Once I justified drinking again. no matter what the reason, I was lost.
I do feel for you.
breakups are very hard - for everyone - and the likelihood is that staying sober wont make those other things less traumatic or painful.
What it will do tho is give you a consistent ground level to work from, and to get through the whole difficult business as unscathed as possible.
I'm really glad you made it back - and don't worry about not projecting a shiny happy recovery - thats not required.
I think honesty - and knowing when to ask for help - are far more useful qualities
D
I honestly feel I could be rocking sobriety but for the fact I am getting divorced.
Once I justified drinking again. no matter what the reason, I was lost.
I do feel for you.
breakups are very hard - for everyone - and the likelihood is that staying sober wont make those other things less traumatic or painful.
What it will do tho is give you a consistent ground level to work from, and to get through the whole difficult business as unscathed as possible.
I'm really glad you made it back - and don't worry about not projecting a shiny happy recovery - thats not required.
I think honesty - and knowing when to ask for help - are far more useful qualities
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Originally Posted by GotTheBlues
Hello. Firstly, a message to admin: I am the alcoholic formerly known as "MrMctell." Poor guy was lost when I updated my computer.
Anyway, I managed 8 months. I guess a lot of this time I was struggling much harder than I was wiling to admit. Addiction really is wicked tough. I've had some terrible times in the last eight months, truth be told. I feel bad when I read the comments here of people embracing sobriety and the positive effects it has on their lives.
I honestly feel I could be rocking sobriety but for the fact I am getting divorced. It is unpleasant to say the least. I read a lot of comments here, many from people lucky enough to have the support of their husband/wives. I love my wife dearly but she has shown no sympathy to my problems with depression and alcoholism during our entire eight year marriage. She doesn't see these as illnesses, really. Just things that are blighting her life. It's very painful, but she just doesn't care enough about me.
Things I learnt from 8 months sober: 1) I am an alcoholic. If I wasn't it wouldn't have been a struggle. 2) Nothing bad happens if you don't drink. None of my problems stem from sobriety.
It is also worth noting that being drunk round the clock for two days has been deeply unpleasant. I cried in the car on the way to market basket, I cried all the way home, but drank anyway.
F it, day 1 tomorrow.
Anyway, I managed 8 months. I guess a lot of this time I was struggling much harder than I was wiling to admit. Addiction really is wicked tough. I've had some terrible times in the last eight months, truth be told. I feel bad when I read the comments here of people embracing sobriety and the positive effects it has on their lives.
I honestly feel I could be rocking sobriety but for the fact I am getting divorced. It is unpleasant to say the least. I read a lot of comments here, many from people lucky enough to have the support of their husband/wives. I love my wife dearly but she has shown no sympathy to my problems with depression and alcoholism during our entire eight year marriage. She doesn't see these as illnesses, really. Just things that are blighting her life. It's very painful, but she just doesn't care enough about me.
Things I learnt from 8 months sober: 1) I am an alcoholic. If I wasn't it wouldn't have been a struggle. 2) Nothing bad happens if you don't drink. None of my problems stem from sobriety.
It is also worth noting that being drunk round the clock for two days has been deeply unpleasant. I cried in the car on the way to market basket, I cried all the way home, but drank anyway.
F it, day 1 tomorrow.
I have written on here that I don't think sobriety is this huge bowl of cheer and strawberries. I don't believe everything is magical, wonderful and *better* now that I'm sober. In fact, most things are the same, but without the *benefit* of having a drink. For me, some things are worse.
And, still, I keep on. Mostly for my health because I nearly died. Because I know intellectually, I get more done and I'm a more productive individual. No. I'm not enjoying the rays of the sun, enjoying tea (I don't even like to drink anything except coffee), of the beautiful mountains, all while sober. I get tired of that narrative and I'm actually pretty happy in real life.
But, I miss being able to drink. the problem is, I miss getting trashed and taking the edge off. I don't miss "having a drink". WT-f is that except a waste of calories. I never drank to pair it, never drank for taste.
So, at the end of the day, I stay sober because I want to live and drinking to me is unhealthy because of the amount I want to do it in.
Like you, I have no support. My husband continues to see it as a huge moral failure and has always been super unhelpful about it. good luck and pm me if you want.
I've been sober for nearly 1.5 years. I'm glad I'm sober.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Originally Posted by notgonnastoptry
We have a lot in common. ...
I've been sober for nearly 1.5 years. I'm glad I'm sober.
I've been sober for nearly 1.5 years. I'm glad I'm sober.
Congrats on getting near 18 months. I know hard it is without the support you might hope for/expect so double congrats.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by notgonnastoptry
And, still, I keep on. Mostly for my health because I nearly died.
But, I miss being able to drink. the problem is, I miss getting trashed and taking the edge off. I don't miss "having a drink"
No Matter how much one enjoys sobriety or good health, that urge to get absolutely trashed is always lingering.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 145
You are not alone. You say people seem to live their lives naturally and happily. I guess some do. I guess they are wired, differently.
I'm 8 months in and am just NOW starting to feel like I'm living sober, versus "being" sober. And I know it will take much more time to hardly think about alcohol (or lack thereof) at all. But I've realized this isn't a race. It is a lifestyle change.
I'm sorry about your divorce. But what a better time to start over sober and work on YOU now that you don't have your marriage to worry about. (sorry if that sounds harsh and blunt). Once you realize that drinking is never an option over ANYTHING, you'll get to your 8 months and beyond. Here is to you starting over, Got the Blues!
I'm 8 months in and am just NOW starting to feel like I'm living sober, versus "being" sober. And I know it will take much more time to hardly think about alcohol (or lack thereof) at all. But I've realized this isn't a race. It is a lifestyle change.
I'm sorry about your divorce. But what a better time to start over sober and work on YOU now that you don't have your marriage to worry about. (sorry if that sounds harsh and blunt). Once you realize that drinking is never an option over ANYTHING, you'll get to your 8 months and beyond. Here is to you starting over, Got the Blues!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
what i now see is that since i'm sober, life stuff, no matter how crappy, brings pain and emotional uproar and anguish and confusion and tough decisions, but not chaos.
the chaotic unmanageability i got stuck in when "life happened" is not arising anymore.
today, i have an appointment to have my dog euthanized. three weeks ago, my dad died. just sayin': not naturally happily going along.
but drinking...no. THAT is where the chaos lives.
not saying this for sympathy, but to tell you it's doable.
and i've found it desirable and so much more satisfying.
the chaotic unmanageability i got stuck in when "life happened" is not arising anymore.
today, i have an appointment to have my dog euthanized. three weeks ago, my dad died. just sayin': not naturally happily going along.
but drinking...no. THAT is where the chaos lives.
not saying this for sympathy, but to tell you it's doable.
and i've found it desirable and so much more satisfying.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Yup. I don't return from the holiday parties, concerts, or Fourth of July parties to report how wonderful it was "taking it all in sober." Mostly, it's a non-issue or annoying. Fact is, I liked being buzzed at those things: conversation lubrication, slight inhibition, carefree attitude, good times, etc. For us, though, it didn't stop there and even if the intentions were innocent, it often ended in sloppy, angry drunkenness and for me, that was remedied the next morning (guilt) with more booze until it became a cycle.
I don't really appreciate or revel in non-drunken outings. They are kind of "meh". That's not because I don't see the pleasure in life. I take immense pleasure from my career, and that wasn't affected by my high-functioning alcoholism. When I went to the 4th sober, the day dragged. I didn't feel magical being sober, nor did the fireworks compensate for it. At the same time, I wasn't madly craving because I have reached the point where I automatically play the tape to the end. So, it wasn't as if I were drooling for some. Same with beach holidays and vacations. I miss that initial surge and flushed feeling that happens when the booze starts to affect you.
But, I'm too smart (for now) to chase the ephemeral incoming wave of being buzzed. You can't maintain that and that's why I was drunk around the clock at the end. In the process, I took my body's health with in order to satisfy my mind.
I also have the problem of having been super productive professionally while drinking. I'm still that way, so there's no disparity. Drinking didn't cause me to lose my job, get written up, etc.
It did cause personal problems, but those are still there (it's more of personality thing than a drinking thing). They were there before and after and will be there.
Yes--life has improved, mostly because I'm adulting the way I'm supposed to be: houses get cleaned, financial deadlines met, mail gets opened. None of these things are really thrilling nor to they validate my sobriety. Pleasures in life are not magnified. For example, the football game wasn't any better sober. In fact, maybe it wasn't as exciting, etc.
It's hard to explain this. At the end of the day, I stay away because of the dire consequences and almost checking out. I don't begrudge people who've found bliss, and have acquired a new fondness for hearing the birds sing while sipping a new tea they've found while reading overlooking mountains. That's all fine and dandy, but stuff like that doesn't make me happy. And, if it did, I would have found my happiness doing that stuff while drunk or sober.
Sobriety is for me and other alcoholics just acting normally and playing the part you are supposed to play: good parent, good son or daughter, tasks accomplished. It's not Disney--no one ever promised it would be. But yeah, I get the frustration when you just aren't feeling a pink cloud (I never had one. too much time picking up the pieces and the people around me weren't exactly nice or understanding about anything--even to the point of annoyance on my behalf).
The opposite for me of being drunk is not happy and fulfilled but functional in all areas.
I don't really appreciate or revel in non-drunken outings. They are kind of "meh". That's not because I don't see the pleasure in life. I take immense pleasure from my career, and that wasn't affected by my high-functioning alcoholism. When I went to the 4th sober, the day dragged. I didn't feel magical being sober, nor did the fireworks compensate for it. At the same time, I wasn't madly craving because I have reached the point where I automatically play the tape to the end. So, it wasn't as if I were drooling for some. Same with beach holidays and vacations. I miss that initial surge and flushed feeling that happens when the booze starts to affect you.
But, I'm too smart (for now) to chase the ephemeral incoming wave of being buzzed. You can't maintain that and that's why I was drunk around the clock at the end. In the process, I took my body's health with in order to satisfy my mind.
I also have the problem of having been super productive professionally while drinking. I'm still that way, so there's no disparity. Drinking didn't cause me to lose my job, get written up, etc.
It did cause personal problems, but those are still there (it's more of personality thing than a drinking thing). They were there before and after and will be there.
Yes--life has improved, mostly because I'm adulting the way I'm supposed to be: houses get cleaned, financial deadlines met, mail gets opened. None of these things are really thrilling nor to they validate my sobriety. Pleasures in life are not magnified. For example, the football game wasn't any better sober. In fact, maybe it wasn't as exciting, etc.
It's hard to explain this. At the end of the day, I stay away because of the dire consequences and almost checking out. I don't begrudge people who've found bliss, and have acquired a new fondness for hearing the birds sing while sipping a new tea they've found while reading overlooking mountains. That's all fine and dandy, but stuff like that doesn't make me happy. And, if it did, I would have found my happiness doing that stuff while drunk or sober.
Sobriety is for me and other alcoholics just acting normally and playing the part you are supposed to play: good parent, good son or daughter, tasks accomplished. It's not Disney--no one ever promised it would be. But yeah, I get the frustration when you just aren't feeling a pink cloud (I never had one. too much time picking up the pieces and the people around me weren't exactly nice or understanding about anything--even to the point of annoyance on my behalf).
The opposite for me of being drunk is not happy and fulfilled but functional in all areas.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
I just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful replies. Means a lot that people would take the time to offer a few ideas and a bit of support.
Some more thoughts on relapse: I found it very interesting that I did not enjoy it at all. It was actually frightening and unpleasant, and frankly just totally gross. With the perspective of 8 months sober, I actually can't believe that I lived like that for 20 years. Mind boggling, really.
I am also planning to start with a psychiatrist sometime soon, as my family doctor only prescribes the regular ADs that I haven't found that beneficial this time around.
Well, thanks again. MrMctell.
Some more thoughts on relapse: I found it very interesting that I did not enjoy it at all. It was actually frightening and unpleasant, and frankly just totally gross. With the perspective of 8 months sober, I actually can't believe that I lived like that for 20 years. Mind boggling, really.
I am also planning to start with a psychiatrist sometime soon, as my family doctor only prescribes the regular ADs that I haven't found that beneficial this time around.
Well, thanks again. MrMctell.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Welcome back MrMctell,
Sorry for your relapse, hopefully a brief one. I totally relate to having a spouse not understanding my disease. When we separated then divorced it gave me years of material to drink over. Once I got sober and looked at the relationship from a sober objective viewer that relationship was doomed years before it actually finalized. In sobriety I have learned to grieve loss, accept situations objectively, work through emotional pain healthily, and ask for help when I need it.
Good luck and keep coming back as they say.
Sorry for your relapse, hopefully a brief one. I totally relate to having a spouse not understanding my disease. When we separated then divorced it gave me years of material to drink over. Once I got sober and looked at the relationship from a sober objective viewer that relationship was doomed years before it actually finalized. In sobriety I have learned to grieve loss, accept situations objectively, work through emotional pain healthily, and ask for help when I need it.
Good luck and keep coming back as they say.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
You have returned - a brave & bold thing to do. (I was sober for 3 yrs. once & experimented with controlled drinking . Off I went for 7 yrs.) You came back - you learned something valuable - let's do this.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,383
I remember you well, MrMcTell. If SR has taught me anything, and I'd like to think it has, a lot of long-term sober people have a few false starts before it takes for good. Get your head right and I bet you're back on track before you know it. I'll be rooting for you.
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Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser
I remember you well, MrMcTell. If SR has taught me anything, and I'd like to think it has, a lot of long-term sober people have a few false starts before it takes for good. Get your head right and I bet you're back on track before you know it. I'll be rooting for you.
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