Smarie78

I told myself a million times I am done, and now that he has finally lost his job because of the drinking, the job that always kept taking him back, I feel less able to step away permanently. I was doing so well with NC and then he came back and told me he lost the job. During this, his SL house manager texted him saying he wants to help and is committed to helping him, but don't bother getting his support if he is gonna treat this new promise of recovery as business as usual (basically the guy was like...what are you doing visiting your girlfriend when you should be tending to your illness?? things I always think but can never say). To this, he lept from the sofa in pure rage and threw his phone across the floor, banged himself in the head with his fists very hard and yelled that he wants to fling himself off of my balcony if he had the balls to do it. To this of course I was terrified. I kind of just sat there numb and thankfully he left immediately after. But boy oh boy did it throw a whopper of guilt onto me. The kind that says....wow, and now you are leaving him too? why didn't you do it before he lost his job??

Anyway, I am completely responsible now for this monster I have created. I realized my biggest problem is that I cannot form the strong words that need to be said. I use "maybe" and "I just" and "well, I don't know"...I never just say a strong "NO" or "it's DONE" or "OVER". Therefore I am full of mixed messages to him bc I am acting like somebody who is done, but I am not saying it in complete words so naturally he is clinging on because I haven't shut the door as normal people can do. It is so unfair to him and I feel terrible. He ended up popping over the next day as a "surprise" to apologize and even that felt awful. I noticed that I felt temporarily okay bc he showing up my mind interpreted as "ok he didn't kill himself and well, he looks fine and normal so let him visit". ... After I gave him a ride home on my way out he said -"so ill see you for dinner this week? and oh maybe we can do see such and such movie this weekend". Obviously my face said it all bc in my heart I couldn't fathom going back to pretending nothing is wrong and going to business as usual. I didn't say anything and he just got out of the car. Later he texted me that my reaction made him physically throw up when he got home. (He has a bad cough so I am pretty sure that was why he threw up and not because of me).

How in God's name do I leave him during a time of unemployment? I thought I could do it and I felt so strong, now I am feeling that responsibility guilt again. He sure seems fine and dandy today and he has a ton of interviews already, but I still feel trapped. My brain is starting to say "okay just wait at least until he starts working". But when I am with him I feel 1,000 times more trapped and extremely isolated.

Lastly, when I went out this weekend I found myself very attracted to other men for the first time since I have been with him. I was even flirting ....heavily. It was just all very strange. I didn't feel bad about it either which is so in my nature so also quite strange. I felt bad a bit the next day but for some reason when I was openly flirting I didn't feel like I had to tell myself 'becareful you have a boyfriend!'

SparkleKitty

You. Cannot. Save. Him.

You "help" him infinitely more by letting him to go to handle his life as the adult that he is. Your coddling of him hurts him and it hurts you. He doesn't need you. What he needs is to get his act together and take responsibility for his choices. You can't do that for him, and he won't do it until you get out of his way.

hearthealth

Smarie, If you would have left him before he lost his job, would you have taken him back because he was unemployed?
I have found out, if you waver, it only gets harder to get out in the future.

Timetoheal12

I agree with SparkleKitty.
There's no place for blame here: he is the only one responsible for losing his job, and you are responsible for your own well being and happiness. It surely does not sound like you will be happy or healthy by staying with him for longer.

Smarie78

Thank you sparkle...I needed the reminder today because today is that first day of where it feels like 'back to business as usual' and I am having a hard time accepting that. In fact I hate who I am when we are together. I never felt I could say that but I genuinely hated myself when we were spending time together recently. I felt like the world was somewhere else and both of us were trapped on some haunted island. I sat there in disbelief as my sister called and he coughed and I found myself panicked and racing to hit mute so she wouldn't hear his cough. Then his mom called and I had to mouthe that I was going to step away for a few. It is pure, absolute, disgusting, insanity. A lot of it is my own unwillingness to change because it terrifies me. But staying terrifies me more. I wrote my list this morning and it is sitting here on my desk near the phone where he texts me so I can remember why I have to leave. He will find work probably much sooner than I did. And he will be ok. And I have to know that whether he is or not, I am the one clearly not ok. Even yesterday when he asked to hang out, I physically couldn't even lie and say yes. I use to at least be able to lie and I can't. I just didn't say anything. And oh my, the heavy flirting on Saturday I was like a different person. Acted like I was completely single.

SparkleKitty

You owe it to yourself to be true to you, Smarie, and you DESERVE to have a life free of deceit and addiction. I can tell you this until the cows come home. Until YOU believe it, nothing will change.

But I, for one, am rooting for you.

Sasha1972

I think that if you're flirting heavily with a new person while also still letting your old boyfriend hang out at your place and not telling him that you're done with him, you're setting yourself up for a whole world of drama when these men find out about each other. I suggest you either drop your interest in the new man or tell the alcoholic boyfriend that he's not welcome at your place anymore (I think the latter would be the better choice as the alcoholic boyfriend seems pretty hopeless). What you're doing now is getting you into some dubious ethical waters.

(It actually sounds like lots of drama now, with the boyfriend throwing up and banging himself on the head and so forth. You can't change him but you can choose not to drag this out any longer, if you wish).

Smarie78

There is no new man or new boyfriend. I was just explaining that I found it strange that I was flirting and acting as a single girl for the first time when I normally never ever behave that way, even when I had discovered cheating happening to me. But I agree with your sentiment on ending it before I keep going further down.

Ariesagain

He SAID he threw up. Why do you still take his word for anything? And even if it's true, I can think of a dozen reasons he'd throw up, all of them self-inflicted.

You realize now that he's lost his job he will glom on even harder? The next thing you know he's going to be living with you because he's lost his job and pissed off the SL house.

Is that what you want?

You are going to have to kick him when he's down, abandon him in his hour of need, blablaba, because that's how he's going to paint it. Never mind that he could have addressed this at any time in the past three years or you could have.

It's now black or white. Which are you going to choose?

SparkleKitty

I don't think it's "strange" so much as "telling" that you acted that way. There is part of you that sees yourself as single. Part of you is done. That part of you is itching to find out what else is out there.

That part of you knows you deserve better.

atalose

He didn’t come back to see how you were.

He didn’t come back because he missed you.

He didn’t come back because he loves you.

He didn’t come back to see how your new job was going.

He didn’t come back with plans for a healthy future.

He didn’t come back asking you to drive him right away to a rehab.

He didn’t come back asking you to drive him to an AA meeting.

He came back because he lost his job and needs his biggest enabler.

You mean yourself right? Any plans for returning to therapy any time soon?

Once the enabling stops, the recovery is given the opportunity to start.

We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.

She smiled politely and simple said, “I’m sorry, I can’t this time”. The ground did not swallow her up. And she smiled and thought, “note to self.”

Ariesagain

Are you sure he lost his job? That seems pretty convenient.

Did he quit?

Smarie78

Sadly, the flirting I did was not very good either and has led me to really question myself today, for reasons far beyond him. I had far too much to drink and reverted back to the way I was before I met my qualifier. The way I was before I met him was very harmful and shameful to myself. I was a promiscuous woman who also battled my own demons with sex. I was never diagnosed as an addict, but let's just say I toed the line quite often. The other night felt strangely familiar and fueled some fears as to what would happen to me if I did leave. Would I go back to 'that' girl? When I met my qualifier, my own little high to that life basically stopped. I had zero interest in other people or the 'high' I use to get from other men and situations before I met him. It was literally gone. No pull whatsoever. Suddenly this past weekend it almost felt like the old girl was back. Sure it could be seen as healthy knowing that I am starting to physically detach from him, but it could also lead down another dangerous path of transference of 'addiction'. It really just hit me that maybe I am so scared to leave because being with him at least stopped my own unhealthy behaviors present before he came along.

Goodness, I think this is just sinking in that even upon leaving I will need to really dive head first into real treatment of my own issues before even considering another relationship. Maybe I am the one who isn't well enough to be a girlfriend either?

Ariesagain

If that helps you get out of this, by all means.

If you let him come back, this will not end until he dies of alcohol poisoning or combining booze with whatever drugs he's taking. It could be years. He has zero intentions of quitting and the odds of him getting another job (or even seriously looking) are beyond minute.

Do you have issues? Most of us do. But most of us aren't active addicts ignoring our wife and child while battening onto another woman and ruining her life in the process.

There is most likely something in your history that set you up for this situation and that is definitely worth addressing but there's no way you can concentrate on you while you're nursemaiding him. And maybe that's the issue, as you said.

Wishing you strength and clarity and freedom.

hopeful4

Are you going to be held hostage for every crisis he has due to HIS OWN BEHAVIOR?? No contact friend, no contact.

BAW81

Exactly what SparkleKitty said. I am still learning this myself but you have to retrain your brain and heart to realize that by leaving him you are HELPING him.

It isn't the kind of "help" you're used to or feels good to you but you really are helping. He needs to be healthy and make positive choices for himself first before he can do it for anyone else and by staying with him you're actually delaying his path toward recovery.

Also, it isn't the "help" that he is used to so he will kick and scream and make you feel like you're the lowest of the low but that is NOT TRUE. Come back here and we will support you and remind you of the truth.

Nola0250

No contact! You deserve so much more. Like Ariesagain said, we all have our issues. If we didn't, we probably would not be easy targets for addicts. But again, you can't take care of you with him in the picture. I know it's hard, but you can do this. After all, it can't possibly be harder than trying to manage him.

SparkleKitty

Yes, leaving an unhealthy relationship is the BEGINNING of healing, not the result!

atalose

Sex isn’t love and I know several woman who were/are promiscuous because it feels like love to them, at least in that moment.

Do you want to be that girl again? You and only you control your destiny.

Now that is some well needed healthy thinking you have going on.

dandylion

Smarie....Yep, you sure don't need to jump from the frying pan into the fire.....
thankfully, you have a therapist....so, this would be a good time to dive deeper into family of origin issues (remember that overactive superego)....AND a 12 step program of your own....not AA...but one that will support you