They say recovery can't be done alone, what about life?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
They say recovery can't be done alone, what about life?
We all know that getting serious about recovery means building up our own support systems. Those who have the most success seem to be people who have really built up a strong network of support. I know that I depend on that a lot to stay sober. Being able to reach out for help has changed the game for me.
But what about life in general? I was thinking about this while driving home tonight. I have had a great week, no small part of that was due to the fact that I had a busy and buzzing household with my children around. As I left my work duties tonight I had a sinking feeling, just blue, of the thought that I was returning to an empty home for another night all alone. My children's father returned form a business trip today and the kids will be with him for the next several days.
I'll just say it clearly, I am sick of navigating this life alone. I did have a boyfriend for several years, a loving relationship, but it wasn't very serious and I never really felt like I could depend on him 100%. That relationship ended a while back and I miss the companionship even if I did crave more. I want to find a serious relationship and make a life with someone. I know that starting a new relationship is not recommended in the first year of sobriety. I am following every rule I know of this time so it is not something on my agenda now. That said, I really do wish I had someone to depend on, someone for companionship, to hold my hand through the ups and downs of life and sobriety.
I am keeping the faith that everything is working out just as it should and am not going to press the issue, even when a year is up, but that doesn't mean I don't hope someone will come along.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think some people should just learn to live alone and be happy about it? Do you think that we should accept our loneliness with grace and only concentrate on being the best version of ourselves, for ourselves?
I don't want to be alone forever but I have to come to terms with the fact that that may be what is my destiny or what is best for me.
But what about life in general? I was thinking about this while driving home tonight. I have had a great week, no small part of that was due to the fact that I had a busy and buzzing household with my children around. As I left my work duties tonight I had a sinking feeling, just blue, of the thought that I was returning to an empty home for another night all alone. My children's father returned form a business trip today and the kids will be with him for the next several days.
I'll just say it clearly, I am sick of navigating this life alone. I did have a boyfriend for several years, a loving relationship, but it wasn't very serious and I never really felt like I could depend on him 100%. That relationship ended a while back and I miss the companionship even if I did crave more. I want to find a serious relationship and make a life with someone. I know that starting a new relationship is not recommended in the first year of sobriety. I am following every rule I know of this time so it is not something on my agenda now. That said, I really do wish I had someone to depend on, someone for companionship, to hold my hand through the ups and downs of life and sobriety.
I am keeping the faith that everything is working out just as it should and am not going to press the issue, even when a year is up, but that doesn't mean I don't hope someone will come along.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think some people should just learn to live alone and be happy about it? Do you think that we should accept our loneliness with grace and only concentrate on being the best version of ourselves, for ourselves?
I don't want to be alone forever but I have to come to terms with the fact that that may be what is my destiny or what is best for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
When m wife and I met, neither one of us was looking for a relationship. My wife said she would never get married again and was pretty much done with men and relationships. I had pretty much given hope of ever finding my special someone.
We had eyeballed each other from a distance, but neither one of us initiated any contact.
Our first contact happened by seemingly pure happenstance, due to my cute lovable puppy that she was playing with outside not knowing who it belonged to, when up I walked.
We started with casual conversation. Then became friends. Then went on a date...30 years later, we are still together and happily married.
Amazing what can happen when we stay out of the way!
We had eyeballed each other from a distance, but neither one of us initiated any contact.
Our first contact happened by seemingly pure happenstance, due to my cute lovable puppy that she was playing with outside not knowing who it belonged to, when up I walked.
We started with casual conversation. Then became friends. Then went on a date...30 years later, we are still together and happily married.
Amazing what can happen when we stay out of the way!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Lovely post, thank you.
It's a very interesting concept. I think fundamentally we are not meant to be alone but that doesn't mean we have to be in a relationship.Support can be from many sources, family, friends, acquaintances, support groups etc.
I think there is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many times over the years I have felt very lonely despite being in a relationship. Sometimes it can be more lonely to be with the wrong person than to be alone and single.
We need different things and different people at different times in our lives and sometimes the 'wrong' people do come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes we need to be single perhaps to concentrate on getting to know ourselves, love ourselves and be happy with ourselves. Only then are we ready to move forward with someone.
You are a very intelligent, insightful, empathetic, understanding and loving person. I have no doubt that you will meet someone when the time is right for you. You won't be alone for ever but maybe now is the time for you to be alone.
It's a very interesting concept. I think fundamentally we are not meant to be alone but that doesn't mean we have to be in a relationship.Support can be from many sources, family, friends, acquaintances, support groups etc.
I think there is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many times over the years I have felt very lonely despite being in a relationship. Sometimes it can be more lonely to be with the wrong person than to be alone and single.
We need different things and different people at different times in our lives and sometimes the 'wrong' people do come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes we need to be single perhaps to concentrate on getting to know ourselves, love ourselves and be happy with ourselves. Only then are we ready to move forward with someone.
You are a very intelligent, insightful, empathetic, understanding and loving person. I have no doubt that you will meet someone when the time is right for you. You won't be alone for ever but maybe now is the time for you to be alone.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,705
I don't do well alone. I have had bad disfunctional relationships my entire life. Right now I am in a good (not great) relationship that has put up with my addiction. It would be much better if I did not drink.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by nez 
When m wife and I met, neither one of us was looking for a relationship. My wife said she would never get married again and was pretty much done with men and relationships. I had pretty much given hope of ever finding my special someone.
We had eyeballed each other from a distance, but neither one of us initiated any contact.
Our first contact happened by seemingly pure happenstance, due to my cute lovable puppy that she was playing with outside not knowing who it belonged to, when up I walked.
We started with casual conversation. Then became friends. Then went on a date...30 years later, we are still together and happily married.
Amazing what can happen when we stay out of the way!
We had eyeballed each other from a distance, but neither one of us initiated any contact.
Our first contact happened by seemingly pure happenstance, due to my cute lovable puppy that she was playing with outside not knowing who it belonged to, when up I walked.
We started with casual conversation. Then became friends. Then went on a date...30 years later, we are still together and happily married.
Amazing what can happen when we stay out of the way!
I was unhappily married and became friends with a man who was going through a very bitter divorce. He was adamant he would never marry again. We got married 2 months ago These things happen at the strangest times when you least expect it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I think there is also a difference between being alone and being lonely.
.
being comfortable by myself in my own skin.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i throw in also being by myself.
being comfortable by myself in my own skin.
being comfortable by myself in my own skin.
I love being alone and can stay home alone for days with the phone unplugged and not speak to anyone and be happy just reading, pottering about, cooking etc. I am quite reserved and shy and find group events physically and mentally draining.
I have a friend who is the opposite and always has to be around people. To me it's hectic but she loves it and she admits she doesn't like to be alone.
I suppose it all comes down to motive and what we want. If someone surrounds themselves with people because they love it and it makes them truly happy that's great. If they do it because they are scared of being alone and being with anyone is better than no one then maybe that's something that needs working on. Otherwise that can lead to true loneliness.
If someone is happy to be on their own at times and is truly happy that's good but if they are alone not through choice and lonely then that is something that needs work.
Let us all try to love ourselves and each other however and whoever we are.x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I suppose it all comes down to motive and what we want. If someone surrounds themselves with people because they love it and it makes them truly happy that's great. If they do it because they are scared of being alone and being with anyone is better than no one then maybe that's something that needs working on. Otherwise that can lead to true loneliness.
If someone is happy to be on their own at times and is truly happy that's good but if they are alone not through choice and lonely then that is something that needs work.
when i was drinking, id get lonely sittin by myself at home.
so id go to the bar.
and sit in a corner booth alone because i was afraid to be by myself with my thoughts.
not sure if that makes sense or not.
i also am comfortable being by myself. not that i dont like get togethers and all that- but they drain me. sometimes when theres more then one conversation going on around me its very draining, then i need some time alone to recharge- part of being an introvert.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
There's something worth looking up online called "the opposite of addiction is connection" . I've only heard a little about it but I feel it may "speak" to you a little. Take care of yourself and if you're struggling when the kids are away you know where we are....xxx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I really needed to work on myself and get comfortable in my own skin.
There was always a little desperation in my relationships before - I needed someone to complete me, I was scared of being alone, I needed external validation...and the pressure of that desperation ultimately blew the relationships apart.
Now I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'm very rarely lonely and I have a love that I want rather than need.
The way ahead is smooth and not filled with drama like it used to be.
I know as alcoholics we get a little used to instant gratification but some things are worth the wait
My advice would be keep working on yourself, staying sober and building the life you want, for now Mera...those need to be the prime directives for now...
but don't worry: a happy content person attracts like
D
There was always a little desperation in my relationships before - I needed someone to complete me, I was scared of being alone, I needed external validation...and the pressure of that desperation ultimately blew the relationships apart.
Now I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'm very rarely lonely and I have a love that I want rather than need.
The way ahead is smooth and not filled with drama like it used to be.
I know as alcoholics we get a little used to instant gratification but some things are worth the wait
My advice would be keep working on yourself, staying sober and building the life you want, for now Mera...those need to be the prime directives for now...
but don't worry: a happy content person attracts like
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The solution seems to be spiritual connection. No human can be depended upon 100%. And if we try they often rebel.
People have feet of clay, my sponsor used to say. They will always let you down. At the time I thought he was talking mostly about the fallible people on AA. They won't be there when I call, they may say something that upsets me, they may even drink again, they may give me bad advice.
His main direction is sponsoring me was to ensure I placed my dependence on the God of my understanding, and not on him. I will be eternal grateful he did that.
In my life I had these rocks. I suppose as a child this is natural and important to have people I could depend upon. This carried forward into adulthood. My three main rocks were my father, my sponsor and my wife. I could always turn to them for love, support and guidance.
They had feet of clay. They all died. Now I have two grown up children, and a business, and some people I sponsor. It is my turn to be their rock, so to speak. Where do I get the strength for that? From the God of my understanding who guides me through each day. I think Bill W was right when he said emotional stability comes from giving, not receiving.
People have feet of clay, my sponsor used to say. They will always let you down. At the time I thought he was talking mostly about the fallible people on AA. They won't be there when I call, they may say something that upsets me, they may even drink again, they may give me bad advice.
His main direction is sponsoring me was to ensure I placed my dependence on the God of my understanding, and not on him. I will be eternal grateful he did that.
In my life I had these rocks. I suppose as a child this is natural and important to have people I could depend upon. This carried forward into adulthood. My three main rocks were my father, my sponsor and my wife. I could always turn to them for love, support and guidance.
They had feet of clay. They all died. Now I have two grown up children, and a business, and some people I sponsor. It is my turn to be their rock, so to speak. Where do I get the strength for that? From the God of my understanding who guides me through each day. I think Bill W was right when he said emotional stability comes from giving, not receiving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
Lovely post, thank you.
It's a very interesting concept. I think fundamentally we are not meant to be alone but that doesn't mean we have to be in a relationship.Support can be from many sources, family, friends, acquaintances, support groups etc.
I think there is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many times over the years I have felt very lonely despite being in a relationship. Sometimes it can be more lonely to be with the wrong person than to be alone and single.
We need different things and different people at different times in our lives and sometimes the 'wrong' people do come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes we need to be single perhaps to concentrate on getting to know ourselves, love ourselves and be happy with ourselves. Only then are we ready to move forward with someone.
You are a very intelligent, insightful, empathetic, understanding and loving person. I have no doubt that you will meet someone when the time is right for you. You won't be alone for ever but maybe now is the time for you to be alone.
It's a very interesting concept. I think fundamentally we are not meant to be alone but that doesn't mean we have to be in a relationship.Support can be from many sources, family, friends, acquaintances, support groups etc.
I think there is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many times over the years I have felt very lonely despite being in a relationship. Sometimes it can be more lonely to be with the wrong person than to be alone and single.
We need different things and different people at different times in our lives and sometimes the 'wrong' people do come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes we need to be single perhaps to concentrate on getting to know ourselves, love ourselves and be happy with ourselves. Only then are we ready to move forward with someone.
You are a very intelligent, insightful, empathetic, understanding and loving person. I have no doubt that you will meet someone when the time is right for you. You won't be alone for ever but maybe now is the time for you to be alone.
Thank you for this post and for the nice compliment, I appreciate it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by joandmelandhan
There's something worth looking up online called "the opposite of addiction is connection" . I've only heard a little about it but I feel it may "speak" to you a little. Take care of yourself and if you're struggling when the kids are away you know where we are....xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. It is not that I am completely desperate. For example, it was I who ended my last relationship because I didn't see the future I wanted and I didn't feel my needs were being met. But I do feel lonely a lot. I have really put in a lot of effort there, karate being one positive change I have made. I like being a part of that group and I have made one friend there. It really feels like a friendship. I guess I just do suffer from not being part of a romantic partnership. Of course I miss the physical and emotional closeness. I also miss confronting day to day life together as a team, making a household work. I am tired.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Just to clarify - I wasn't calling you or anyone else desperate Mera
My advice is to keep on working on yourself - I find the more comfortable I are with myself, the less lonely I am.
partnerships have a way of happening organically - we never know who might enter our life
D
My advice is to keep on working on yourself - I find the more comfortable I are with myself, the less lonely I am.
partnerships have a way of happening organically - we never know who might enter our life
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Dee74
Just to clarify - I wasn't calling you or anyone else desperate Mera
My advice is to keep on working on yourself - I find the more comfortable I are with myself, the less lonely I am.
partnerships have a way of happening organically - we never know who might enter our life
D
My advice is to keep on working on yourself - I find the more comfortable I are with myself, the less lonely I am.
partnerships have a way of happening organically - we never know who might enter our life
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Merva I have a boyfriend and 2 daughters but there is something quite special about connecting with other alcoholics. In terms of recovery it is absolutely essential for me. But I get it. Having a real life human next to me each night is special too and satisfies a very basic human need.
Maybe think of it this way. You'll be a much more authentic you when you do meet that special someone and you didn't settle for something that wasn't right so that's something to be proud of. Keep doing as you are I see real progress and good thought processes xxx
Maybe think of it this way. You'll be a much more authentic you when you do meet that special someone and you didn't settle for something that wasn't right so that's something to be proud of. Keep doing as you are I see real progress and good thought processes xxx
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I get the karate thing. Mine is the yacht club. It is nice to share a common interest, and I have made some very good friends through that.
I had quite a spell of loneliness in AA too. It sounds strange, being in a room full of caring people, and still feeling lonely. I felt apart, different, unworthy I guess. I didn't know, at that point that I was just an ordinary alcoholic. I wrongly thought I must be the worst case ever to come to AA, and if they knew what I was like they would kick me out.
I think that apartness carried over into life outside as well. There was that unworthiness, but also an element of fear about being found out, or about my past catching up with me. It seemed safer to isolate.
The steps fixed that, dealt with all the demons, and, like the yacht club, gave me a new common ground with the other members, experiences of living in the solution, which is far more rewarding than living in the problem. It seems to have carried over into life outside too. just recently I discovered my personality had changed from introvert to mildly extrovert. That was a surprise.
I had quite a spell of loneliness in AA too. It sounds strange, being in a room full of caring people, and still feeling lonely. I felt apart, different, unworthy I guess. I didn't know, at that point that I was just an ordinary alcoholic. I wrongly thought I must be the worst case ever to come to AA, and if they knew what I was like they would kick me out.
I think that apartness carried over into life outside as well. There was that unworthiness, but also an element of fear about being found out, or about my past catching up with me. It seemed safer to isolate.
The steps fixed that, dealt with all the demons, and, like the yacht club, gave me a new common ground with the other members, experiences of living in the solution, which is far more rewarding than living in the problem. It seems to have carried over into life outside too. just recently I discovered my personality had changed from introvert to mildly extrovert. That was a surprise.
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