Mkm0917

I think I knew better than to get into a relationship with an alcoholic seeing that I'm a recovering drug addict but I tried anyway bc I had history with him. We met about 5 years ago sat the bar when I was still actively using and he had just had a career ending injury and forced to retire from the NFL. Our demons played together too well from the moment we met and our dysfunction fit perfectly. I moved away a few months later but we still stayed in contact randomly bc we had this odd connection. I went into rehab bc I was going to die if I didn't and I've been clean for 3 years now....he actually came to visit me in rehab. A few months ago we reconnected and it's like we never stopped talking except that I'm clean and he's still drinking. He tried to convince me that he's slowed down a lot but he still drinks occasionally. The old behavior started back up with him showing up late or just blowing me off like he used to except this time I confronted him instead of accepting his behavior. At first he would try and change it for a few days but always went right back to the same old thing. When we were together everything was perfect and he was starting to actually talk about his issues and his families issues with addiction which are horrible just like mine. We got each other on that level. Everything seemed to be ok and he even made things official as far as our relationship. That lasted 5 an entire 5 days. He was supposed to call one night but I didn't hear from him until 7am the following morning and he said he just fell asleep which I'm assuming is a lie bc he never falls asleep that early. Than the next night he was out and he said he would call when he got home but never did and I confronted him about it. I was trying to be healthy and communicate and he took it as me trying to pick a fight. Out of nowhere he just kind of ended things....no call...no talking about it just silence. Now I'm left feeling guilty for saying anything to him. I know I deserve someone who doesn't lie and actually does what he says he's going to do and I stood up for myself and this is what happens? A few days before he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him bc he was opening up to me but it's like he completely turned into a different person the next day. I keep telling myself that it's the addiction and me being in his life was disturbing his drinking and dysfunctional behavior but I'm having a hard time actually believing it. I'm blaming myself and questioning what I did or what's wrong with me that he didn't think I was worth even talking to after everything we've been through. Like I never even mattered to him at all. I'm just confused and worried bc there is no one else in his life that tells him the truth about himself and his sickness!!! Ugggh

dandylion

Mkm.....there is no reason to feel guilty for confronting a person who is being irresponsible toward you.....
As a recovering addict, you should know th is down to your bones...that you are not the cause of him drinking and blowing you off...he is.....

You don't have to be the one who tells him the truth about himself and his "sickness....there are the people in AA and his sponsor and his therapist to tell him that.....
Also, if you are feeling this wobbly....I think that you might need to draw closer to your own program, for support...because there is nothing like a tro ubled relationship to lead one to relapse.....
You stand a lot to lose, here.....
You know, very well that this isn't your fault...you know that the alcoholic voice is speaking very loud to h I'm, 24/7...and, that voice is much more powerful to him than you can ever be,,,because he is an active alcoholic.....

Mkm0917

It's really crazy to me that I'm questioning it so badly when I know what the truth is. It's the exact same thing I did to everyone when I was actively using! You push away anyone that threatens to come between you and your substance if choice. Somehow I was able to justify it in my head that bc I know he does care and I can empathize with him that it would be different even though I knew it wouldn't be. I've been back in meetings daily bc I'm questioning my worth minute to minute which is showing my codependency. It's like I know all of it in my head but my heart doesn't seem to believe the same.

Maudcat

Hi, Mkm.
Welcome to SR.
It's not you.
It's not you.
It's. Not. You.
Sounds lke he is a drinker and drinkers put drinking first.
Don't try to figure it out. There is no logic to his thinking here.
Very sorry for your sadness, but I think you are well out of his orbit.
Congratulations on 3 years sober. That is great!

dandylion

Mkm....s o metimes, we a re attracted and bond with those who are not good for us. Bonds are powerful, in us humans.
This is why we have to let our head be in charge when we are vulnerable to letting our hearts lead the way....So good to hear that you are going to your meetings!

Vivisectus

You are recovering yourself. Turn it around for a second.

If you disappeared on him for a few nights when you had plans together, and he confronted you saying that he felt let down, maybe that he was worried you were relapsing... would that have been so bad? How would you have reacted? Would you have disappeared in a rage, or would you have talked about it?

I think you did the right thing: you expressed your concerns. You cannot control his reaction to that, nor are you responsible for it. He is.

TJD912

One thing I'm learning about my marriage and relationship with my soon-to-be XAH...I lost the boundaries. Boy do they get fuzzy when you start to really like/become really attracted to someone. But let's get real...had one of your friends done this, I'm hoping/assuming you'd say "hey, I'm not ok with this. Call me when you can get it together." That said, you did nothing wrong. He needed to be called out, he didn't like it, and now he's making you feel responsible for his reaction. (Wha??) If you allow this dance to continue, it will only get worse, and you've barely started a relationship. Not worth it...all addict head games. Let him find the doormat he's looking for. Hopefully you don't allow that to be you.

One of my current favorite quotes is this: Once you start rationalizing, you are compromising your integrity.

Don't rationalize his behavior. You'll never make sense of it.

Mkm0917

It's absolutely insane to me that it's exactly the same thing I would do to everyone else and push the good ones in my life away bc I couldn't handle any kind of normalcy in my life. It intruded on my dysfunction and I wasn't having it. But bc I seem to be the exception to every rule I thought it would be different when I know it's not. For the first time since In my life I can see it for what it is and I know I deserve better and to be treated with respect and want it but when put in the situation with someone I love it's hard to believe it in my heart. It's a constant battle in my head between what was "normal" behavior my entire life and what is actual "normal" behavior which were completely flipped around in my head. Every ounce of me and what feels normal wants to call him and make things better and apologize but I did nothing wrong to apologize for. It's adding to his enabling behavior and only gonna make me miserable. I'm starting to ask myself why would I want to be in a relationship like this? What is it in myself that is attracted to this dysfunction still and why? Looks like I have the topic for my counselor this week! Lol. Thanks for the input!

atalose

We should never let the behaviors of someone else become the measure of our self worth. You should feel proud that you stood up and spoke up for yourself. When we learn how much we are worth, we stop giving people discounts!!!

Eauchiche

This, I believe, is a different problem than your drug addiction. You could very well be suffering from Codependency.
People have been known to join more than one twelve step program to recover from different addictions. Take alcoholism and gambling for instance.

Most all of us in this part of the Forum know Codependency very well. It seems to be our drug of choice.

You are already recovering, and CONGRATULATIONS, from the drug addiction. Perhaps you could put those same tools to work here? Good luck!

NYCDoglvr

Did he ask you to tell him the truth? A lesson I had to learn is not to offer unsolicited advice. There are red flags all over the place and yes, you shouldn't get involved with an addict/alcoholic.

Mkm0917

He knows he's sick and asked me at one point to help him get into rehab. He talks about it all the time and knows he's sick but doesn't seem to think it's that bad bc it's not as bad as the rest of his family. He actually thanked me at one point for being honest with him bc no one else is. But he's not to that point yet!