jalacola

I am just curious. How many of you actually ended up leaving your alcoholic significant other? I am on the verge. I don't feel weak or defeated anymore. I have grown so emotionally detached from this relationship (6 1/2 years married, 10 together total). I know his drinking has nothing to do with me and you know what? I wouldn't care. All his drinking has ever done has make things worse. I am not the same person I was when I met or married him. I have turned into this ugly, mean, hateful person. But it is only to him, and only when he is drinking. I went for years never uttering a negative word to him, sitting there taking his drunken hateful name calling and verbal abuse of me whenever he felt like it. I would just cry. Now, what do I do? I dish it out TEN FOLD what he has dished to me. That's not what I want but I can't help it when he looks me right in the eyes and lies to me, with the smell of liquor on his breath and with squinty eyes, slurred speech, and a stumbling walk. I am tired of him and his problems coming first. I CERTAINLY have never come first. We have 2 small children that have never come first and it is high time. I have just had it. And I have to "stick it out" until our house that we sold closes so that we can pay off some shared debt. I don't want my credit ruined in a divorce. I feel like I have gone through all of the steps in mourning a loss with him and we aren't even separated yet! I have been hurt and now I am over that. I have been angry (still am a bit). But now I just want to move on with my life. I want my babies to see what a wonderful mommy I can be without such a dark cloud hanging over us. I am just curious as to what percentage of you couldn't deal with your A other.

myselfagain

Damm lady, lets write the same post but change mine to 20 yrs and 4 kids. But he was not abusive at all. Drank till he passed out somewhere every f--- nite.
If I may speak the truth I DO NOT REGRET IT.

The only regret I have is that I didnt do it years again. I mourned the loss of my marraige before the divorce. He thought I was a cold hearted b--- because I was not sad about ending 20 years. What I couldnt make him understand was that for me it was over long ago. I cried at nite , mourned the loss, detatched completely. I don't see myself as codie.I ever taught my kids to detatch from him in the evenings, that was 1 reason he didnt think the kids had a problem with his drinking, he thought they didnt know about it. Oh, they did. The kids are working thru it pretty well.
It was sad to see him wake up one day 6/2003 and his life was changed before his very eyes and that he could not undo the damage he had caused. It took till 9/2004 is get a final divorce decree, he took his time about EVERYTHING.

StandingStrong

January of 2004, I hit my rock bottom with my AH. I had a very interesting moment where life just changed.
Finally in March of 2004, I had AH move out.
I stalled on the divorce proceedings - I didn't want to make a rash decision while angry. And this time, he did seem different so a part of me hoped that it truly would be different. However, over time I realized that we still had issues even without him drinking.
To make a long story short, I called the lawyer in Aug. 2004 - soonest appt. they could give me was November.
So in 3 weeks, I'll be at the lawyer's office.

Yes, he's changed some. but so have I.
And like you said.............The damage has already been done.

SJW

I am one of those who hasn't been able to do it yet. I have certainly entertained thoughts of divorce. I would expect that life would be so much easier (although single parenthood is complicated, too). Much less chaotic. But I have always been held back financially from being able to be on my own. If I absolutely had to, or I had been in physical danger, I would've found a way to leave. I am taking steps toward independence and will someday in the foreseeable future be able to consider leaving if I need/want to.

But I've been married 31 years, raised 2 kids, and now we share 3 grandchildren. There's a lot of history, and lots of it is still good. Don't know what that'll do to my decision making.

There's a part of me that wants to tell you not to waste as many years as I have, but I can't. No one else can make that decision except you. Whatever you decide, live the best life you are capable of. You owe that to yourself and your kids.

SJW

best

I couldn't(live with self) and so I moved out. Thing is I am the A other.
I didn't like myself. I became very selfish and my whole world became...me me me. So I moved out to find what would make selfish me happy again.
Was void of love. Felt void of any feelings. Had a friend that seemed to know just what was missing in my life. She prompted me to start reading the bible and with hearing the word my whole life changed. The separation and the filing for a divorce were brought to an end. We had gotten back together after 15 months separated and celibrated our 25th together the very next month. I needed the changes that the 12 steps can bring. I found those steps as I was reading the bible. When I was reading the truth before me and started looking in the mirror at self with truthful eyes... change happened. God's love filled my heart.
So there but the grace of God...

Celibrated #29 just last week. The passed 4 years have been the best 4 of all 29.. with the exceptions of the days my 4 children were born.

redrose

i have just ended a four year relationship with my alcoholic/drug addict bf. At first it started like a never ending love story and ended with no love. he wasn't abusive at all, he was a charmer with his lies. i was always second, it was never about me, it was always about him. so this passed labor day weekend he ditched me to go partying with his friends. when he got back in town, i sat him down for lunch and told him stright out. "i had enough of your crap, there's nothing left for me to give, i have fallen out of love with you", of course he though i was bluffing. i got to my car, changed my phone number, disconnected his phone, erased all of his friends numbers...and didn't look back. i heard later that he cannot beleive i could be so harsh on him and do that to him after four years!!!!! that nerve!!! yes it's painful, but nothing was more painful than that emotional roller coaster i was in with him. .

wishing all the best

jalacola

I think that I have moved from being pretty co-dependent on him to not needing him at all. And it hasn't been al-anon, though through al-anon I realized that I was co-dependent. Detachment has been difficult, but my A has made it easier. He has made it easier for me to stop loving him, as he continually f**** up. I am sad that when he tells me he loves me now, I cringe. And when I say it, I feel nothing. Before, when he would mess up and then ask what he could do to make me stay with him, many times I would tell him to get help. Go to rehab. But guess what? HE DID THAT??? Now what is there? Rehab didn't help b/c he just simply doesn't fight the urge. He drank on the night of his 30 day sobriety!!! It has been nearly 3 months since he went to rehab and since he drank on that day, I don't think he has even again had 4 days sober. He doesn't fight it. His sponsor gave up on him, which may sound harsh to you, but my AH was totally wasting the poor man's time. He hasn't found a new sponsor, hasn't worked any of the steps. Nothing. He drank last night. I have two jobs (my choice). I am a teacher by day, but in the evenings, I am a part-time realtor. I had to take someone to 3 houses last night and he had to pick the kids up. So he drank when he got home. I can't trust him. I didn't need to find anything to know. I am not stupid. He slept in the guest room and this morning told me, "If I drink again, there won't be a fight, I'll just leave b/c I know I have lost you." WELL THEN WHY IN THE H*LL DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE NOW???? We BOTH know this isn't the last time. So, save both of us the trouble and just get the h*ll out!!!! See? I have no faith in him. His word means NOTHING to me. I can't count on him to be my partner, as I can't count on him to be sober. He can't even watch our children for a couple of ours while I work. He serves no purpose in my life anymore.

osier59

I was the one who left. One day I had a really powerful "AHA moment" I realized that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how HE treated ME. I was emotionally battered and drained, so it took me awhile to gather the strength and the resources to do it, but I had a plan and I did it. And it was the best thing I could have done for ALL of us involved.

I'm not sorry. Well, Yes I am. I am sorry that it took me so long to leave.

I HIGHLY recommend going to counseling - for yourself - before or during the decision making process. If you are getting advice, get it from HEALTHY people. I made the mistake of turning to my same pool of dysfunctional, well meaning friends for advice and ended up with more confusion and stupid problems for awhile.

The A? He ultimately grew to be a loving and responsible father and a peach of an "ex" husband and parenting partner. My leaving was part of what led to HIS personal bottom and his road to recovery. That may or may not be the case for you.... and it wasn't my goal for HIM to do anything. My decisions, MY goals, MY plans - were all about ME and what I wanted and what I didnt want in my life.

Sometimes couples are blessed to be able to grow and flourish together when one or both find recovery. That may or may not happen in your case. Just make a decision that you want to be happy, healthy and whole, and that you won't settle for anything less. And he will either get with it or he won't.

Good luck. I don't want to sound like I encourage or recommend divorce. I just feel very strongly about taking care of ourselves and our children. They deserve a stable home environment and healthy parents to love and care for them.

Hugs and love
Barb

Peaches04

Hi everyone...I haven't left yet...but, I did hit my 'rock bottom' and in a complete state of peace asked my AH to leave. He spouted off that "he hadn't been happy in 7 years", expecting me to get defensive and hurt. But, instead, I just said "then I guess it will be best for both of us". The next day he had an epiphany and decided he needed to find out if he was an alcoholic - so he's been 25 days sober now and we are in counseling again (we were before, but he would drop the ball on making appts, etc - so clearly his heart wasnt in it). The change has been amazing - he's here to go to bed WITH ME at night - and we talk or read or watch TV, he does homework with the kids, he did the Halloween pumpkin carving, all that... Dont get me wrong, some days I see signs of the old behavior and just can be taken back to old feelings of hate (and I know that sounds terrible )- but, it is rage. But, admittedly, some of it is me and my control issues. So, we'll see what happens in 30 days - it very well may be me having been 'taken' again - and end up being the umpteeth and one "second" chance...but, I felt like I had to do it. This is my journey, for good or bad, and I am slowly learning. I know that I may come to the asking him to leave again - I will tell you that now even if he drank, it would take me a while to get back to that place of wanting him to leave now that I've had a taste of what he was like sober - so, that may be unfortunate in the long run. But, today is good and we'll see. But, I have decided that I will not live with him like it was - I'm worth way, way more than that and my kids certainly are. It wont take me another 5 years to figure it out again either. Best of luck to us all!!!

Lorelai

I just left my H a month ago. I would have never been able to do it without recovery.

I'm sort of like you. I worked through the emotions before he even left. When I told him to leave, I knew absolutely, positively that I was making the right choice. Actually, I knew that I didn't have a choice. My life is important to me.

I have been fine since he left. I can't imagine going back to that life. I'm not angry with him and wish him well. I just refuse to spend anymore of my time living that life.
L

jojo

I left 6 months ago after seven years of marriage. At first, things were great but as each year passed it continued down hill. Finally, I was so worn down from suffering the consequences of his actions - loss of jobs, financial messes, loss of driver's license, 7 detoxes, treatment centers, jail, verbal abuse and finally physical abuse - that I could no longer bear the thought of living that life one more day. I packed up and moved 600 miles away. The best move I could have made!!!! I have not been sorry for my action one time. He is working his recovery and doing well - for now. I'm glad for him but I am not willing to take another chance with him. I love my peaceful life and would never put myself back in that situation again. So, for me, it was the right thing to do. Listen to your instincts. If they are telling you to get out then that is probably what you should do. You know what your life has been like and you know what you would like it to be. Sometimes the breakup of a marriage can act as a catalyst for them to get clean and sober but too often there has been so much damage to the relationship that no matter what, we can't recover those feelings of love and trust that we once had for them.

Big hugs to you,

Jo

jalacola

He emailed me this morning basically saying that he has come up with a plan for us to be happy. Shocking, it has very little to do with his recovery. It's all about us taking better care of the house. I get behind on the house very easily with 2 kids and 2 jobs and an AH that does nothing. So, he emails and basically separates what he will do and what I should do and says that THAT will make him happy and content enough not to drink (b/c he has to blame drinking on something). I email him and tell him that I don't disagree with the plan, but that we still have to address the big issue--not just to say "if we do this, then I won't do that anymore." I told him that I can't concentrate on the house b/c when I am at home, I am usually so angry and full of rage toward him for lying to me and trying to make me feel like I am stupid for suspecting him of drinking, that I can't concentrate. I just pace back and forth or something. I won't eat b/c I have no appetite when I am mad at him. I know it isn't healthy. He writes back and tells me that he now knows in his heart that it is over. I ask why. He said b/c I obviously can't forgive him and he was writing trying to create a plan for our happiness and I shot it down with negativity and that obviously we can't communicate. Well, no we can't b/c he is unwilling to do something about the problem. And I mean REALLY do something. He did the rehab thing and he is no better. I think tonight I am going to ask him to leave. His mom has already offered her house if we need time apart. I think he needs to be aware of what he has in me and our babies and what he is going to be missing out on just being a miserable drunk.

brightlight

I do not want to and will not. There are a lot of bad things, but also good and I am doing it for myself and kids. I have made things worse than they had to be with the yelling and drama making. It would be harder on one income. I was mad about him spending money, but thought about what it would be like on just my income. He payments the bills and we still have food. If he spends extra money on beer, then I guess I can live with it. Better than no money. He is gone a lot, but there are days he does not go to the bar and spends all day with us. He takes our daughter to bowling now. I am sure there are a lot of things he wants me to do, but I am not perfect either.

Kgrr

Jalacola -
I am new, just posted my first a few days ago - asking for help! I feel for you - it's like reading my life. My husband is not the same person I married and I am not the same either. I am constantly trying to be the go between with my husband and kids because his temper and patience is so short with them - which is not when he is drinking, but I feel has something to do with his drinking. Do you know what I mean. Anyway - I am so in your shoes - two young children (8 and 5) and feel that I have lost the sweet, positive, uplifting person that "I" used to be. I want to do what is best for my children - and seeing the way my husband talks to me and treats me is probably not it! Let us know how things work out. My biggest fear is my husband getting weekends with my children - If I stay, it would only be for this reason - to protect my kids!

Good Luck and keep us posted!