Losing Friends.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Losing Friends.
Breaking up with an addict is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It is a fairly recent breakup, just a few weeks ago. I was incredibly isolated in my relationship, and it was a long relationship, it was almost most of my adult life. We had some mutual friends. They are now pretty much "over it" because of all the drama. The addict wasn't someone they thought he was -- they thought he was clean.
I'm experiencing so much grief. I'm on the hamster wheel of grief. No one wants to experience this. People are getting frustrated with me not being over it already. They say I should download Tinder and move on. They have their own problems. So now I wish I had never said anything to anyone about what had happened. I think if I could have avoided what I'm feeling now, I would have kept AH's secret forever... and he would have had an overdose and died in the house. I used to say at least he'll die with me there, and I love him, instead of dying alone. But violence is scary so I left. So he might die alone. But hey, so might I (but not because of drugs, maybe because of sadness).
This may be an ignorant or insensitive thing to say, but somehow I have the feeling that people are kinder or more understanding if you are a widow instead of mourning the undead. AH used to say that I would never find anyone who loved me as much as he did, I would never find anyone who cared about my feelings as much as he did. Yet the more he drugged, the less he cared about anything but drugs. It's true, I feel really alone. I guess I have for a while now, but with the drugs out of the picture, reality is so... stark.
This all makes me feel... extremely depressed. I like people -- or I used to. What's the point of life without people? Unfortunately, I have learned, rightly or wrongly, that people are scary.
I'm experiencing so much grief. I'm on the hamster wheel of grief. No one wants to experience this. People are getting frustrated with me not being over it already. They say I should download Tinder and move on. They have their own problems. So now I wish I had never said anything to anyone about what had happened. I think if I could have avoided what I'm feeling now, I would have kept AH's secret forever... and he would have had an overdose and died in the house. I used to say at least he'll die with me there, and I love him, instead of dying alone. But violence is scary so I left. So he might die alone. But hey, so might I (but not because of drugs, maybe because of sadness).
This may be an ignorant or insensitive thing to say, but somehow I have the feeling that people are kinder or more understanding if you are a widow instead of mourning the undead. AH used to say that I would never find anyone who loved me as much as he did, I would never find anyone who cared about my feelings as much as he did. Yet the more he drugged, the less he cared about anything but drugs. It's true, I feel really alone. I guess I have for a while now, but with the drugs out of the picture, reality is so... stark.
This all makes me feel... extremely depressed. I like people -- or I used to. What's the point of life without people? Unfortunately, I have learned, rightly or wrongly, that people are scary.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Ophelia.
Very sorry that you feel lack of support and understanding from friends.
It's hard.
Take the time and space to grieve the loss of your relationship. You have lost not only a companion to addiction, but also the life you had envisioned for yourself with him.
Unfortunately, people are often quick to judge and advise.
I hope their intentions are good, but who knows?
I know a couple of people who have lost their spouses to death. This is probably not much comfort to you, but they have experienced similar situations in that they get get lots of advice about moving on.
We grieve however long we need to grieve.
You have lots of support here.
Things will be better in time.
Very sorry that you feel lack of support and understanding from friends.
It's hard.
Take the time and space to grieve the loss of your relationship. You have lost not only a companion to addiction, but also the life you had envisioned for yourself with him.
Unfortunately, people are often quick to judge and advise.
I hope their intentions are good, but who knows?
I know a couple of people who have lost their spouses to death. This is probably not much comfort to you, but they have experienced similar situations in that they get get lots of advice about moving on.
We grieve however long we need to grieve.
You have lots of support here.
Things will be better in time.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think Ophelia that you just have the wrong type of people in your life. People who love and care for you will not abuse you (physical or emotional), nor will they want to see you be abused by anyone else.
I think it's time for change in your life, a lot of it, and with that should come new friends and new people who care about you and can be a true friend to you.
Hugs.
I think it's time for change in your life, a lot of it, and with that should come new friends and new people who care about you and can be a true friend to you.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 72
If you are having a hard time coping, I suggest you write in a journal or right here on this forum where there is a lot of love and support and empathy. Or spend time doing something very therapeutic or find that one person to talk to that is a great listener. Also very sorry for what you are going through. *internet hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I understand what you are going through.
So many of my friends and family members did not understand why I left my AXH. Honestly wasn't really their' "thing" to have to understand, but that didn't stop each and every one of them from not only having, but voicing their opinions to me. That wasn't what I needed. I needed support, not criticism. Not one of them understood what I had been through with my ex because we were both damn good at holding up the facade of "that perfect couple" for so damn long, far far far after it had run it's course. Me being the one that broke up with him got to shoulder all the blame, or so it felt. Thanks friends.... worst few years of my life and ya'll gotta kick me while I'm down? Gosh, it felt sad and lonely.
What it did do was weed out those not worthy of my time. Friend and family.
It also humbled some of the other's that learned some things and then came back to me with more open minds and wider arms. Growth for all.
Hang in there Ophelia. It gets better, I promise.
Break ups hurt, especially when there is a bit of a domino effect and other "break ups" happen because of it, but these things are usually for the best. I know, it still sucks.
*hugs*
So many of my friends and family members did not understand why I left my AXH. Honestly wasn't really their' "thing" to have to understand, but that didn't stop each and every one of them from not only having, but voicing their opinions to me. That wasn't what I needed. I needed support, not criticism. Not one of them understood what I had been through with my ex because we were both damn good at holding up the facade of "that perfect couple" for so damn long, far far far after it had run it's course. Me being the one that broke up with him got to shoulder all the blame, or so it felt. Thanks friends.... worst few years of my life and ya'll gotta kick me while I'm down? Gosh, it felt sad and lonely.
What it did do was weed out those not worthy of my time. Friend and family.
It also humbled some of the other's that learned some things and then came back to me with more open minds and wider arms. Growth for all.
Hang in there Ophelia. It gets better, I promise.
Break ups hurt, especially when there is a bit of a domino effect and other "break ups" happen because of it, but these things are usually for the best. I know, it still sucks.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is no timeline here, Okatz. your grief process is yours. now if five years from now you are still "in the middle" we might have to talk.
perhaps don't see this as losing people....more like shedding skin. or a serious house cleaning where we haul a bunch of stuff off to Goodwill. you are making room for new stuff....there will just a period of transition where it will SEEM a bit emptier.
cut yourself some slack. understand that people usually find dealing with "heavy" stuff kind of awkward and they just want to see the hurting person get better, feel better, so they offer suggestions like getting back on the horse.
maybe you don't even LIKE horses. LOL go easy on yourself. take good care of yourself.
perhaps don't see this as losing people....more like shedding skin. or a serious house cleaning where we haul a bunch of stuff off to Goodwill. you are making room for new stuff....there will just a period of transition where it will SEEM a bit emptier.
cut yourself some slack. understand that people usually find dealing with "heavy" stuff kind of awkward and they just want to see the hurting person get better, feel better, so they offer suggestions like getting back on the horse.
maybe you don't even LIKE horses. LOL go easy on yourself. take good care of yourself.
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