Boyfriend has just stopped drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Boyfriend has just stopped drinking
Ive just joined . Dont know where to start. My boyfriend has just got on this forum. I told him to get support for his drinking or get out. I'm not sure I can go on this journey with him. So much has happened to destroy the good bits we shared and they were many. We have drunk together and had 'fun' in our relationship but he has never known when to stop and would drink heavily when he was alone and end up becoming shouty and mad if I complained. A bit scary but never violent. Emotionally unavailable alot of the time. Does that make me an accomplice? I like a glass of wine. Do I have to now stop drinking to support him ? I think I drink more.now.to cope.with the feelings he arouses in me
I don't know what to expect in this process. He's not long moved in. My kids have been affected. My life's been turned upside down. He's recognised there's a problem and wants to stop. I don't know if there's any hope. I would.like to be supportive and I do care for him
I don't know what to expect in this process. He's not long moved in. My kids have been affected. My life's been turned upside down. He's recognised there's a problem and wants to stop. I don't know if there's any hope. I would.like to be supportive and I do care for him
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Turquoise 
You'll find a lot of support and advice here
I think if you were drinking buddies it's probably good to not drink around him, if you can manage that.
Do you consider yourself a normal drinker?
D
You'll find a lot of support and advice here
I think if you were drinking buddies it's probably good to not drink around him, if you can manage that.
Do you consider yourself a normal drinker?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Thanks.for your quick response Dee. That's an interesting question. I don't know. I drink to comfort myself which probably isn't normal, but not all the time. Evenings, not all. To be honest I'm depressed by my relationship so this affects how often i reach for the wine . Because I don't feel I affect the people around me when I'm ddrinking and I am emotionally available, I guess I feel it's ok. The more I wrote the more I realise it's not
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
Welcome! My wife still drinks, but I've quit. It's been a rough road at times, but getting sober has only helped us as a couple, and was necessary for me individually. It took me a couple years to finally get it, but thankfully i did. It's hard, but it can be done. I wish you both the best!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
Yes we used to drink together. Some of the hardest times i have had was with comments she made early on about how she want "us to be able to have a drink together". Or she didnt want me to ask her to quit. (I wasn't, but she's a heavy drinker and sensed it was a risk) She had to accept my getting sober, with no if and or buts. I've had to separate my concern about her drinking from dealing with my own.
It would have been helpful for me if there wasnt drinking in the house, but I might have felt funny if she was always avoiding drinking and going out to do it without me as well. I don't know if it was triggering as much as it was a problem for me when I was at my weakest. I i relapsed many many times before getting any real sober time and I might not have if drinks weren't right there.
The big thing was my learning to find my sobriety and my wife accepting it without reservations. I had to choose to not pick up a drink no matter what. I also wish she would quit drinking and we have talked about it, but I accept I cant do that for her.
It would have been helpful for me if there wasnt drinking in the house, but I might have felt funny if she was always avoiding drinking and going out to do it without me as well. I don't know if it was triggering as much as it was a problem for me when I was at my weakest. I i relapsed many many times before getting any real sober time and I might not have if drinks weren't right there.
The big thing was my learning to find my sobriety and my wife accepting it without reservations. I had to choose to not pick up a drink no matter what. I also wish she would quit drinking and we have talked about it, but I accept I cant do that for her.
Editor
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pensacola, Florida
Posts: 1,516
Welcome T...your situation strikes a cord with me.
One of mine and my wifes favorite activities was drinking together.
I quit for 18 months a few years back and started drinking again and basically blamed her for it....but it wasnt her fault. It was my decision to pick up again...I bounced back and forth knowing it was killing me and finally drew the line in the sand for myself after a year back into the sauce. Would it be easier on your significant other if you quit with them....YES, but that is your decision to make.
Once I realized as NMD did that I needed to concentrate on me. It became easier on me....Are there some awkward situations where I let her know...I am leaving(name your event or party) I would love for you to come home with me...if you want to stay...that is your choice. She has to deal with that...I love her no less than the day that I said I DO to her....but I am not going to torture myself to try to prove my loyalty. This sounds harsh and heartless...but considering the alternative for me...it is a no brainer. I have a career, family, responsibilities that as an adult I cannot manage as an Active Alcoholic.
Did she resent me at first....yes....but now she understands where drinking takes me and she respects and loves me as I do her.
If you decide to keep drinking...from this recovering Alcoholics perspective. Remember a few guidelines of courtesy...Do not ask him to pick up drinks for you on his way home. Do not send him back to the store for more. That is just a slap in your significant others face. May not seem like a big deal...but it is. Do not start a deep (important) discussion/venting session if you have been drinking. Parties where a lot of drinking is going on....not a good idea....or be prepared to leave when your driver says its time.
All that being said...can it be done...yes...but it takes alot of work and makes it harder for both parties. The one stopping drinking and the one who keeps drinking thinking everything is going to remain basically the same.
I hope this gives you a little incite on your question from the drinkers perspective.
I hope you the best on your journey and pray you give the non drinking a chance....it will change your life for the better.
Peace
D
One of mine and my wifes favorite activities was drinking together.
I quit for 18 months a few years back and started drinking again and basically blamed her for it....but it wasnt her fault. It was my decision to pick up again...I bounced back and forth knowing it was killing me and finally drew the line in the sand for myself after a year back into the sauce. Would it be easier on your significant other if you quit with them....YES, but that is your decision to make.
Once I realized as NMD did that I needed to concentrate on me. It became easier on me....Are there some awkward situations where I let her know...I am leaving(name your event or party) I would love for you to come home with me...if you want to stay...that is your choice. She has to deal with that...I love her no less than the day that I said I DO to her....but I am not going to torture myself to try to prove my loyalty. This sounds harsh and heartless...but considering the alternative for me...it is a no brainer. I have a career, family, responsibilities that as an adult I cannot manage as an Active Alcoholic.
Did she resent me at first....yes....but now she understands where drinking takes me and she respects and loves me as I do her.
If you decide to keep drinking...from this recovering Alcoholics perspective. Remember a few guidelines of courtesy...Do not ask him to pick up drinks for you on his way home. Do not send him back to the store for more. That is just a slap in your significant others face. May not seem like a big deal...but it is. Do not start a deep (important) discussion/venting session if you have been drinking. Parties where a lot of drinking is going on....not a good idea....or be prepared to leave when your driver says its time.
All that being said...can it be done...yes...but it takes alot of work and makes it harder for both parties. The one stopping drinking and the one who keeps drinking thinking everything is going to remain basically the same.
I hope this gives you a little incite on your question from the drinkers perspective.
I hope you the best on your journey and pray you give the non drinking a chance....it will change your life for the better.
Peace
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Best of luck to your other half and I am glad he has and you both have come here.
My experience may be a little different but works for me.
My partner is a normal drinker and we have enjoyed many many many party times together in the past prior to my situation deteriorating.
Now that I am in recovery myself it is actually really important to me that no one else in my household or my wider family make any alterations to their own drinking habits as normal drinkers as I feel that this would add more pressure to me.
I have taken enough of their time, worry and thought process over the years and I wish to take no more of them having to alter or analyse their own habits because of me and my issue.
Just my truth and what works for me and hopeful that it may help your situation in anyway.
Wishing you both the best.
My experience may be a little different but works for me.
My partner is a normal drinker and we have enjoyed many many many party times together in the past prior to my situation deteriorating.
Now that I am in recovery myself it is actually really important to me that no one else in my household or my wider family make any alterations to their own drinking habits as normal drinkers as I feel that this would add more pressure to me.
I have taken enough of their time, worry and thought process over the years and I wish to take no more of them having to alter or analyse their own habits because of me and my issue.
Just my truth and what works for me and hopeful that it may help your situation in anyway.
Wishing you both the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
My girlfriend/fiance confronted me in much the same way that you have confronted your boyrfriend. That was December 7, 2015 and I haven't drank since.
But, I can tell you that your boyfriend needs to quit for himself. It doesn't hurt that perhaps you gave him the final push to seek recovery, but if he is quitting to appease you or keep you or get you off his back, it will not stick. He faces a difficult road and if quitting for himself is not his highest priority there is only a very small chance of success.
I'll say this - you need to take care of yourself and your kids. Make that your highest priority. Let your boyfriend deal with his own issues and have a plan in place for getting the hell out of that relationship. It is imperative that you come to understand that you didn't sign up for a lifetime of hell with this dude, no matter how wonderful he otherwise is. And living with an active alcoholic will be complete and total hell.
As far as your own drinking, my fiance still drinks. But she is a "normie." I'd suggest that you put it down for a few months and then make the decision as to whether to drink down the road. If you have your own issues with alcohol, then you need to address those.
I think early on in sobriety it was best for me to not be around anyone drinking, but now I don't have any problem with it. My fiance quite often has a glass of wine or a beer when we go out. Others have different views, but now that I am well into recovery, I find it a bit offensive when someone decides not to drink as some sort of gesture of support to me. It's as if they are suggesting that I am so on the edge that their having a drink is suddenly going to cause me to rip the beer from their cold, clammy hands and chug it. I know they have better reasons for doing this, but I just don't like it and I make sure to make my personal views on the issue clear to those that are close to me.
Good luck!
But, I can tell you that your boyfriend needs to quit for himself. It doesn't hurt that perhaps you gave him the final push to seek recovery, but if he is quitting to appease you or keep you or get you off his back, it will not stick. He faces a difficult road and if quitting for himself is not his highest priority there is only a very small chance of success.
I'll say this - you need to take care of yourself and your kids. Make that your highest priority. Let your boyfriend deal with his own issues and have a plan in place for getting the hell out of that relationship. It is imperative that you come to understand that you didn't sign up for a lifetime of hell with this dude, no matter how wonderful he otherwise is. And living with an active alcoholic will be complete and total hell.
As far as your own drinking, my fiance still drinks. But she is a "normie." I'd suggest that you put it down for a few months and then make the decision as to whether to drink down the road. If you have your own issues with alcohol, then you need to address those.
I think early on in sobriety it was best for me to not be around anyone drinking, but now I don't have any problem with it. My fiance quite often has a glass of wine or a beer when we go out. Others have different views, but now that I am well into recovery, I find it a bit offensive when someone decides not to drink as some sort of gesture of support to me. It's as if they are suggesting that I am so on the edge that their having a drink is suddenly going to cause me to rip the beer from their cold, clammy hands and chug it. I know they have better reasons for doing this, but I just don't like it and I make sure to make my personal views on the issue clear to those that are close to me.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
" I told him to get support for his drinking or get out."
This is an ultimatum. To continue to drink in front of him or behind his back seems like a slap in the face to me and somewhat two-faced.
If you want to support him, don't drink. The early days are hard enough. Having booze in the house is impossible.
If the thought of giving it up seems hard, some serious self examination is in order.
There is some great advice here. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.
This is an ultimatum. To continue to drink in front of him or behind his back seems like a slap in the face to me and somewhat two-faced.
If you want to support him, don't drink. The early days are hard enough. Having booze in the house is impossible.
If the thought of giving it up seems hard, some serious self examination is in order.
There is some great advice here. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Just some food for thought:
In an ideal situation, you should probably stop drinking and make the house an alcohol-free house. This would be the most straightforward approach and send a clear signal to everyone. It would also show incredible support for your boyfriend. However, each situation is different, and we all know things aren't necessarily ideal.
My wife is a normal drinker, and it usually doesn't bother me. She drinks wine, and I simply never could drink wine because it never agreed with me. I've slowly tried to get her to stop completely and she has been receptive, but it's been a process. Occasionally she'll have a little too much and I can't tell you how disturbing this is. Drunks are so annoying
In your situation, you were drinking buddies so it may be a trigger for him, and he may resent the fact that you're able to continue to drink and "enjoy" yourself. I think it's also very confusing for your children. On one hand they've seen the negative fallout due to alcohol, and they're being told it's not a good thing. However, they see you continue to drink and it leaves them scratching their heads. I think they may think you're being hypocritical if you force your boyfriend to stop drinking and you continue. They may also have these thoughts later as they get older. I'm not sure how old they are, but when they get close to drinking age and start drinking they'll say, hey, you drink so what's the problem?
In an ideal situation, you should probably stop drinking and make the house an alcohol-free house. This would be the most straightforward approach and send a clear signal to everyone. It would also show incredible support for your boyfriend. However, each situation is different, and we all know things aren't necessarily ideal.
My wife is a normal drinker, and it usually doesn't bother me. She drinks wine, and I simply never could drink wine because it never agreed with me. I've slowly tried to get her to stop completely and she has been receptive, but it's been a process. Occasionally she'll have a little too much and I can't tell you how disturbing this is. Drunks are so annoying
In your situation, you were drinking buddies so it may be a trigger for him, and he may resent the fact that you're able to continue to drink and "enjoy" yourself. I think it's also very confusing for your children. On one hand they've seen the negative fallout due to alcohol, and they're being told it's not a good thing. However, they see you continue to drink and it leaves them scratching their heads. I think they may think you're being hypocritical if you force your boyfriend to stop drinking and you continue. They may also have these thoughts later as they get older. I'm not sure how old they are, but when they get close to drinking age and start drinking they'll say, hey, you drink so what's the problem?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
My wife still drinks. How on earth it takes the girl an hour to drink one glass of wine is beyond me.
It only bothers me if we go someplace and she wants a second drink, it's just that two hours is way to long for me to be in a drinking environment at this time. Around the house I don't notice but the wine is in a seperate fridge in a seperate room so I've simply learned to ignore it.
When I was drinking I'd easily have 4-6 in that two hours and I'd just be getting warmed up. There's a big difference between our consumption and she's not the one looking at liver damage.
It only bothers me if we go someplace and she wants a second drink, it's just that two hours is way to long for me to be in a drinking environment at this time. Around the house I don't notice but the wine is in a seperate fridge in a seperate room so I've simply learned to ignore it.
When I was drinking I'd easily have 4-6 in that two hours and I'd just be getting warmed up. There's a big difference between our consumption and she's not the one looking at liver damage.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 17
I know what you mean about the timing of consumption. I was out with someone the other day who took about an hour to drink a beer. They were clearly savouring every mouthful, enjoying the condensation on the glass, the glass style and the ambience... I would generally have slammed to beers in minutes just to have quenched my beer first. I was jealous because the person found the drink satisfying and gratifying when I can't honestly ever remember drinking for anything other than the medicating drunkeness I enjoyed. The lessons kept coming, my reflections keep me posting and reading here... Thank you all..
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