Loving an Alchoholic

Old 09-28-2017, 07:09 PM
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Loving an Alchoholic

Hello everyone! My pain and sadness brought me here. I am going through a breakup and J was just reading articles online hoping I could find something to help me ake better but I ended up on this website.

I’m 27, an immigrant in Canada. Ive been here for 2 and a half years. A year and a half ago, I met my ex boyfriend. He was beautiful, he was a great person, he was very helpful and supportive of me, I thought he was the one. Among all the good qualities of him there are two major things that totally damaged our relationship.

My ex boyfriend was a heavy smoker(smokes a pack a day) and I would say a functional alchoholic. He works a lot and get paid really well. He has his own vehicle and his own apartment. I knew he was a smoker when we got together and he promised he will quit. During the time he was trying to impress me he didnt smoke for 3months after a while he went back smoking and never stopped since.

Few months later I realized that theres something wrong with his drinking. He would come home from work everynight and drink roughly 4-5 bottles of beer. Which was fine to me until incidents kept happening. Over the course of our relationship I already lost track of how many times he would go out with friends and get plastered drunk and totally blackout. He woul leave me worrying everytime and he would not remember what he did, where he went, how he managed to get home. He lost multiple cellphones from being so drunk. For months and months I tried my hardest to stay. I really love him and I wanted to help him.

He would say he didnt really want to get that drunk, he just gets carried away each time. I cried for so long because of his habits. I could not handle it anymore not to mention the stress and anxiety that I get when he is out there and Im left at home worrying about his safety. I honestly love this man to death. I cooked for him, cleaned, i served him the best way any great woman would do to his man.

He would always tell me he never met someone as caring, as amazing as wholesome as me. And he pains inside whenever he see me crying because of his drinking behaviour.

He tells me he is not trying to hurt me at all. But his behaviour hurts me so much. I felt if i was the best girlfriend for him why cant he stop and do things right? I cry my heart out everytime i wake up in the middle of he night soaking in his pee(this happened countless time where he would pee on the bed for being so drunk) I treated him with Kindess. I wash the sheet for him and gave him endless chances and forgave him all the time.

Until three weeks ago another incident happened that made me finally want to leave. We driove 6hours to our home from where we both work and when we got there it was already 11 at night. He sat down and watched tv over rhum and coke. After a few glasses I asked him to come to bed with me but he never came. He drank all night and another pee incident happened. I was so upset. I was so angry I cant even cry anymore. I woke him up and helped him trnasfer to the couch. I washed the sheets and slept at the spare room.

I was so mad I didnt have the interest to talk to him, I ignored him and never spoke no matter how much he tried to talk to me. He then left and went out with his friend and went 12hours straight drinking. I was livid but more worried of what is happening. I never slept, I waited for him until 3 in the morning. I called thousands of times but too drunk to even talk. Because of his drinking pattern in the past I put a tracker on his phone so I would know where he is as he doesnt know where he went or what he is doing everytime he gets blackout. What broke my heart was when i saw on the tracker that he was at the strip club for 6hours and never left until the club closed. I was crying so bad. It hurts a lot I could kill myself.

After then I couldnt locate him anymore. His phone died, I waited two hours for him to come home but nothing. I decided to leave the condo to go looking for him as the club was just a block away from our unit if anything he would be somewhere closeby. But i saw him passed out at the lobby when I got out the elevator. He was totally blacked out people passing by leaving for work and they had to see me cry as I try to carry him up the elevator.

I got him inside the condo and he slept for so long. I saw his club tickets and I was totally broken hearted. I felt insulted and disrespected. After everything I gave and did that was all I get. I admit, I was hard on him about changing for the better, about quitting but I dont deserve any of the experience I was getting.

Two days after that incident he went to Japan for a short trip paid by his company. As usual all he did was drink to the point he couldnt even find his hotel anymore. I told myself thats enough, thats all I can take.

I got tired of waiting for him to change. I got tired waiting for him to love himself and show me he loves me by choosing me over his habits. I got tired of crying and hurting. Things went down the hill. I lost interest. I started being angry even when he was not drunk. The moment i see him smoke or holding a bottle of beer my blood rised up and would never want to talk to him.

Few more days after the tension was terrible. Were not the same anymore and he said I was amazing, he loves me so much and he didnt wanna hurt me anymore. He said he tried so hard but he cant be the man i want him to be. Its been a week since we last spoke. I gave everything back to him, everything he gave me I returned. Deep down in me I wish wer still together but I dont think I can do it anymore. He didnt want us to separate for good he said we should take a break to release my anger and work and talk over things. He told me he expects me to reach out should i need help. He cares and loves me and even if we are not together he will do anything to help me with whatever.

This is our second break up. I left before and stopped talking for a month but got back together and went back to the same pattern we used to be in. Wer in circles and cant get past it.

Im so down right now and still cry here and there but its been a week of no contact and I feel like im okay but when i remember him i get that pricking feeling in my chest.

I still have him in my tracker and today i checked where his location is and he is just headed to his condo which is 6hrs away from here as he was just renting a place here coz here works here. He will be on 4days off and I just wish I ld have the courage and strenght to stop tracking him anymore and let go. For some reason I just dont feel like im ready to delete that tracker hopefully I will be be sooner than later
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Old 09-28-2017, 08:18 PM
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Hi and welcome Mynameisbetsy
you posted in our News forum so I moved your post here for a greater response.

Although I know it's painful, I think you made the right decision making him your ex.

Every one involved with an active alcoholic has a third party in that relationship - the bottle.


My advice is to lose the tracker, move on and find someone willing and able to give you undivided love and attention

D
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Old 09-28-2017, 09:59 PM
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HUGS
Just hugs. You have been through so much.
I don't know what else to tell you.
I am the alcoholic in my relationship (almost 3 years sober) and all I know is the empathy I now feel for the partners we have that we put through so much.
I am in agreement with previous posters. I am glad that for now he is your ex partner. You sound so lovely, with so much to offer. Using that energy to help someone like me or him, I don't know. Is that what you are up for? It's a long struggle and you can't do it on your own.
But you - you sound magnificent. You sound like someone who deserves a full and total partner that can be everything for you.
I am so sorry for your experience.
Often when I am answering in this forum I feel I am apologizing for other alcoholics - but I can't do that. All I can say is that I know what he is doing - and I know for a fact that you are so much better off far away from it than being close to it. I know it hurts. We are all here to listen and to help.
Peace and hugs to you, and I am wishing prayers of healing to your ex partner.
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Old 09-29-2017, 04:14 AM
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Welcome to SR! I am sorry to read about your pain...it is unfortunately something very familiar to us here. You have found a group that really understands.
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Old 09-29-2017, 05:05 AM
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Betsy,
Welcome and glad you found us. You absolutely did the right thing. He is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. He is not drinking at you or to hurt you, he drinks because he has an addiction problem. As Dee said, there are 3 of you in the relationship and you are the man out.

Now you have broken up, what are you going to do? I think you need to get some support. Do you have any alanon or open aa meetings in your area of Canada? These are people who can give you face to face support. I would seek out an addiction therapist. I would look up and read the stickies at the top of the page and you will realize that his behavior (peeing in the bed) is not normal. But you are not the only one on this forum who has experienced that.

This time is for you, now. Seek support for your part in this sick codependent relationship. Own how you contributed to it my enabling him and take the time to slowly heal. Hugs and stick around, you can learn alot.
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Old 09-29-2017, 06:58 AM
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Break ups are hard but given what you have witnessed, you had no other healthy choice then to step away from the wreck.

Now it’s time to stop driving by that wreck (tracker) because there is nothing new you are going to see or learn from it that could possibly benefit you.
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Old 09-29-2017, 07:17 AM
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For your own sanity, please get rid of the tracker. Exactly, what could the tracker inform you of , that you already don't know? Your post clearly states that he does not have self control, or self respect, and no amount of cooking, cleaning, taking care of him is going to fix his addiction. Continuing to track him says to me that you need one more affirmation to confirm what you already know. Trust your judgement, relationships are supposed to enrich lives , not destroy them. Write this one off as life lesson learned, and get back to adding joy and value to your own life. I can confirm what you already know, he is not the one for you. Take care of you.
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