Where to start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Where to start?
This will be a little long...sorry In advance
My husband and I have been together for 28 years. We are soulmates and both still believe in our forever after...we have been through allot together and have good communication up until the last few years, but we can still sit and talk for hours on end. He is the man I have always dreamed about and has loved me, provided, supports me, and has been a great father and grandfather. We both have come from a family of alcoholics and I am not perfect in that area as well. In our relationship we drank very responsively as our kids have grown into adults. As they were older we drank more (on weekends) he has always been more aware of his drinking as sometimes he would drink less than a 6 pack a day for the later years. I always respected him as he had more control than I did, although I have never drank on an everyday basis, just a binge drinker at parties or get togethers. In the last few years his drinking is led into getting drunk almost every day ☹️ I could make excuses for why he does, allot of the excuses I understand why he does! Remind you we come from families that have been thru the exact thing I am now and understand the affects as well as he does! He is still a functional alcoholic, his job gets full focus, then the beer. So with that I suffer as well as our kids although I protect them as much from it as I can as I know how it feels! Every stage, every symptom of an alcoholic have surfaced....my question now is where to start as all of my talks with him about it I can not get him to admit that he has a problem?!! He knows he is leading down the wrong path but I think he just accepts that he can not do anything about it ☹️ He is not an abuser at all but is easily angered and loves to place blame on anyone other than himself...his not so good qualities drunk or sober 😂 but I normally can get him to reason with me when he knows I am trying to help him. I hate to watch this man that is such a good person in all areas to become the alcoholic he never wanted to be! Now I know that getting him sober I will also have to not drink as well and am willing to do this to save him!!! But where do I go from here to get him to realize he does not have to accept this! I have tried the best way I know which has always worked for both of us, feel like I could lose this battle with him and it truly breaks my heart!
Any encouraging words would be great! I have a very good support system! We have a great family and he is very much loved and respected but we can not keep being codependents for him!
My husband and I have been together for 28 years. We are soulmates and both still believe in our forever after...we have been through allot together and have good communication up until the last few years, but we can still sit and talk for hours on end. He is the man I have always dreamed about and has loved me, provided, supports me, and has been a great father and grandfather. We both have come from a family of alcoholics and I am not perfect in that area as well. In our relationship we drank very responsively as our kids have grown into adults. As they were older we drank more (on weekends) he has always been more aware of his drinking as sometimes he would drink less than a 6 pack a day for the later years. I always respected him as he had more control than I did, although I have never drank on an everyday basis, just a binge drinker at parties or get togethers. In the last few years his drinking is led into getting drunk almost every day ☹️ I could make excuses for why he does, allot of the excuses I understand why he does! Remind you we come from families that have been thru the exact thing I am now and understand the affects as well as he does! He is still a functional alcoholic, his job gets full focus, then the beer. So with that I suffer as well as our kids although I protect them as much from it as I can as I know how it feels! Every stage, every symptom of an alcoholic have surfaced....my question now is where to start as all of my talks with him about it I can not get him to admit that he has a problem?!! He knows he is leading down the wrong path but I think he just accepts that he can not do anything about it ☹️ He is not an abuser at all but is easily angered and loves to place blame on anyone other than himself...his not so good qualities drunk or sober 😂 but I normally can get him to reason with me when he knows I am trying to help him. I hate to watch this man that is such a good person in all areas to become the alcoholic he never wanted to be! Now I know that getting him sober I will also have to not drink as well and am willing to do this to save him!!! But where do I go from here to get him to realize he does not have to accept this! I have tried the best way I know which has always worked for both of us, feel like I could lose this battle with him and it truly breaks my heart!
Any encouraging words would be great! I have a very good support system! We have a great family and he is very much loved and respected but we can not keep being codependents for him!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A,
Welcome and glad you reached out. What i have to say is going to be heart breaking. I just want you to soak in all that every one on this forum will post. Sit back and let it soak in.
You posted a few sentences that I would like to address:
He is still functional... this is a stage of alcoholism, it gets progressively worse
I am trying to help him....You can not help him
I know by getting him sober.....You can not get him sober
Am willing to save him,,,,,You can not save him
Where do i go from here to get him to realize.......You can not get him to realize
I could lose this battle with him... this is not your battle
You my friend are a codependent. You love your husband sooooo much that you want to battle his disease. You can not battle someone else diabetes or high blood pressure, or alcoholism. Plus, he is not even acknowledging his disease. Please read what everyone will post and just think about it. There is a ton of reading on this forum, as education is power. Sending Big hugs to you!!
Welcome and glad you reached out. What i have to say is going to be heart breaking. I just want you to soak in all that every one on this forum will post. Sit back and let it soak in.
You posted a few sentences that I would like to address:
He is still functional... this is a stage of alcoholism, it gets progressively worse
I am trying to help him....You can not help him
I know by getting him sober.....You can not get him sober
Am willing to save him,,,,,You can not save him
Where do i go from here to get him to realize.......You can not get him to realize
I could lose this battle with him... this is not your battle
You my friend are a codependent. You love your husband sooooo much that you want to battle his disease. You can not battle someone else diabetes or high blood pressure, or alcoholism. Plus, he is not even acknowledging his disease. Please read what everyone will post and just think about it. There is a ton of reading on this forum, as education is power. Sending Big hugs to you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Anglrose...Welcome!
From what you have posted, it appears that he is not hearing your words. His disease is keeping him from really hearing...he is in denial...and, probably, in fear...fear that he couldn't possibly live without the help of the alcohol....
Sometimes, actions are much more effective than words...
What I suggest...and, this is just for your consideration....I would become a non-drinker. And, if you find that you have difficulty doing that with comfort...than begin to go to AA for yourself.....
Stop enabling him, in any way. By that, I mean to not make drinking more comfortable for him, through your actions.....
Also, begin to attend alanon, for yourself. Make it clear that you are doing this because of what the alcohol and the co-dependency is doing to you and your family and marriage. Make no apology or excuses...don't get into arguments or debates about it, with him...just do it..and, stick to it.....
I am going to give you the following link to our section of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....Please look them over and read the ones that appeal to you....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
From what you have posted, it appears that he is not hearing your words. His disease is keeping him from really hearing...he is in denial...and, probably, in fear...fear that he couldn't possibly live without the help of the alcohol....
Sometimes, actions are much more effective than words...
What I suggest...and, this is just for your consideration....I would become a non-drinker. And, if you find that you have difficulty doing that with comfort...than begin to go to AA for yourself.....
Stop enabling him, in any way. By that, I mean to not make drinking more comfortable for him, through your actions.....
Also, begin to attend alanon, for yourself. Make it clear that you are doing this because of what the alcohol and the co-dependency is doing to you and your family and marriage. Make no apology or excuses...don't get into arguments or debates about it, with him...just do it..and, stick to it.....
I am going to give you the following link to our section of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....Please look them over and read the ones that appeal to you....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Everything that Dandy said. Lead by example (you may find it's a good decision just for it's own sake). Talk about the effects on the family rather than about him directly.
Because you have a happy marriage and a loving family he may come to the conclusion that he has to stop drinking, but it sometimes takes a long time to get there, if at all.
Because you have a happy marriage and a loving family he may come to the conclusion that he has to stop drinking, but it sometimes takes a long time to get there, if at all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You asked for some encouraging words.... I'm not exactly sure what you mean by encouraging. People around here have vastly different ideas about what a "happy ending" looks like.
You already know your husband is an alcoholic, I am assuming you must have googled something like, " How do I help my alcoholic husband"... (That's what I did)... and that's how you ended up here at SR. (?)
As a young woman, I knew damn well I was marrying a drinker, we were drinking buddies!.. what I didn't know was how his drinking would turn into full blown alcoholism OR how codependent and broken I would become. More than 20 years later, I divorced a drunk because he had no intention of changing and I had no intention of living in that chaos, no matter how much I loved him.
Everything Dandy and Maia said was spot on. Please do everything you can do to help yourself. You are the only person you can fix.
Learn about setting boundaries for yourself instead of ultimatums for him.
Learn about codependence and enabling, "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie changed my life and the lives of many people on this forum.
Personally I stopped drinking with my (ex)husband long before I ever left him because I could no longer contribute to the mess his life had become (and it wasn't helping my situation any either) I also wouldn't buy alcohol for him ...not even "just" beer.
I wish you luck, being married to an alcoholic isn't easy. It is heartbreaking to watch the decline when they refuse to help themselves. I hope you stick around and spend some time with us here on the F&F section of SR.
You already know your husband is an alcoholic, I am assuming you must have googled something like, " How do I help my alcoholic husband"... (That's what I did)... and that's how you ended up here at SR. (?)
As a young woman, I knew damn well I was marrying a drinker, we were drinking buddies!.. what I didn't know was how his drinking would turn into full blown alcoholism OR how codependent and broken I would become. More than 20 years later, I divorced a drunk because he had no intention of changing and I had no intention of living in that chaos, no matter how much I loved him.
Everything Dandy and Maia said was spot on. Please do everything you can do to help yourself. You are the only person you can fix.
Learn about setting boundaries for yourself instead of ultimatums for him.
Learn about codependence and enabling, "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie changed my life and the lives of many people on this forum.
Personally I stopped drinking with my (ex)husband long before I ever left him because I could no longer contribute to the mess his life had become (and it wasn't helping my situation any either) I also wouldn't buy alcohol for him ...not even "just" beer.
I wish you luck, being married to an alcoholic isn't easy. It is heartbreaking to watch the decline when they refuse to help themselves. I hope you stick around and spend some time with us here on the F&F section of SR.
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