Kbagel199

Hi. I'm new to this sort of thing but I thought it might be helpful for me. So my wife has an eating disorder and has been battling it for 16 years. We have been together for 3.5 years and married for 1.5 years. Aside from the strain of the eating disorder our relationship was solid. She started the 12 step recovery process 5 weeks ago and 3 meetings in a woman approached her about being her sponsor. We thought this was great, the woman was considerably older with 8 years recovered and a lot of life experience under her belt. She also was retired and very active with her husband (who is a recovered alcoholic that she met in AA) in all meetings. It was life consuming for them. My wife's journey started normal...she was attending 3 meetings a week and talking to her sponsor for a few minutes daily. Gradually I started to notice changes and not for the better. She was very secretive with the conversations and text messages with her sponsor. She stopped talking to me about anything recovery related. She even physically pulled away. Her meetings went from 3 to 6 and she would meet with her sponsor 2 hours before the meeting, go to the meeting with her sponsor and then spend 2-2.5 hours after the meetings with her sponsor. She wasn't getting home until 9-10 at night 6 nights a week. Then as soon as she would get home she would immediately call or start texting her sponsor for hours until she went to bed. I am in therapy to help better support her and was enoucraged to ask her gentle, simple questions about this. I started inquiring about her relationship with her sponsor and why she was being told that her spouse shouldn't be a support system. My wife recognized during step 4 that she was a pathological compulsive liar (her words) so her responses seemed very untrue and very defensive. I shared my concern that a sponsor should cultivate relationships that aren't codependent but what she was doing was in fact creating a clear codepeant one between her and my wife. It was sick. I was worried. This progressed for about 2 weeks when out of the blue (after a phone call with her sponsor ironically) she told me she was lying to herself and she never loved me and she wanted a divorce. She followed it up with asking me to leave OUR home that we bought together. It seemed very rehearsed and she had zero emotion when saying this to me. I'm heartbroken, shocked and scared. I gave up all control when she started this process. I set no boundaries or rules and let her have her space. I am now paying dearly for it and I blame her sponsor for what clearly was a push to leave. I know it was her decision but my wife drank the kool-aid and is clearly not in her right mind. PS this happened today so it's fresh. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

dandylion

Kbagel.....I can't tell, for sure if you are speaking of 12 step for eating disorder or for alcoholism....?
I can imagine that you are somewhat in shock, right now....
I don't k now anything about your marriage, of course, except that it is still quite new and that you felt that you should be your wife's support system for her recovery. (it doesn't work that way, in addictions)......Outside of not being obstructive, you really can't help another person with their recovery, as it is a very personal thing, within them.
What will happen with your marriage, I really can't say....but, if she files for divorce, what can you do about it? She does have free will.....as do you.
If I were in your shoes, I would lawyer up, immediately. You do deserve your own rights, and you need to know what they are......

Don't panic....as that will not help anything....more will be revealed, as time goes on....
I do suggest contacting a lawyer, now, though......

biminiblue

That was my first thought as well. Contact an attorney.

I also wouldn't move out or go stay somewhere else, as in some states that is considered abandonment, and could affect your divorce and property should it come to that.

Don't be surprised if she is all over the place with her decision-making. Step 4 & 5 are really stressful.

Hang on, protect your assets.

AnvilheadII

i'm curious....has there been any change or improvement with her eating disorder during this time?

she came to you with baggage......often thru the steps we unearth and discover things about ourselves that we had long masked and buried. her revelation about being a compulsive liar is perhaps one example. her issues long preceded you.....you did nothing right or wrong to in any exacerbate the problems.

i'm not sure at this point i would place the blame on her sponsor. as you said, this all came to a boil today. more shall be revealed. i know you are hurting and confused. spouses often find that "recovery" is not at all the "fix" they thought or hoped it would be. you are NOT alone!

JT79

Go talk to a lawyer immediately. Don't talk to her (or her sponsor, or anyone really) until you do. Definitely do not send any emails/text messages or other writing responses of any kind.
Sorry to hear this, hope things somehow turn out alright for you.

maia1234

Continue with your support. I am so sorry she hurt you. Addicts hurt so many of us. Sending big bear hugs!!

FeelingGreat

Kbagel she's going through a period of emotional turmoil, and trying to handle her emotions without the help of alcohol. And I agree that the relationship with the sponsor is way too intense but focusing your blame on towards the sponsor would be a mistake.

I suggest you try to stay calm, be assertive but not aggressive, and whatever you do, don't crowd her. Give her time to work this through in her mind.

I'm so sorry you're going through this heartbreak. Don't forget your friends and family will be there for you if you reach out.

As for moving out, see a lawyer first thing.

Berrybean

i'm not sure i understand the timescales here. You say she's been going for 5 weeks, and this onsor approached her 3 weeks in - so she has been doing step work for 2 weeks?? And she's on step 6 already??

Are you sure that all these meet ups and secretive phone calls were with her sponsor?? I personally would suggest NOT leaving the marital home. Why would you do that??

So sorry for the pain and confusion all this must be causing you.

BB

Maudcat

Hang in there, Kbagel. More will be revealed.

PuzzledHeart

^^^This. Or that she's having an affair with her sponsor.

Definitely lawyer up.

The coldness, IMHO, is a defense mechanism. My sister continues to pull that avoidance trick all the time (she's also a compulsive liar). It's as if they can't bear witness to your agony, because to do so would bring shame. If the only way they've dealt with shame before is to drink/drug it away, and they don't have the stuff readily available, they just pretend that your pain means nothing to them. In that way, the shame doesn't flood in.

More will be revealed. Hold your ground. She is hiding something. YOU are not.

hopeful4

Yes, I agree. My first thought was doubt that it was the sponsor she was meeting/ talking to all that time.

So sorry you are going through this. I would not move out, I would talk to an attorney, and I would step back and let her figure this out.

ukiah77

Sorry you are going through this, is she going to AA for her eating disorder? Are you sure the person she is hanging out with and texting is her sponsor, or could it be someone else? Doesn't really matter who it is, if she is pushing you away and threatening divorce then you have no choice but to contact a lawyer and protect yourself. She may come to her senses (and try to come back to you) after this fling runs it's course, but don't fall into that trap, most likely this will happen again. You could separate for awhile and try to talk, but if she's already moving forward with a divorce this quickly, there seems to be no choice other than to accept it. My RAH went through and is still going through the emotional rollercoaster of recovery. His actions and words can sometimes throw me for a loop, he shows no emotion and tells me he doesn't know if this (our marriage and life together) is working out, etc. We have 3 kids and been married 15 years. He hasn't said the word divorce, but he may well have because that's what he's implying. Then a few days later, he's telling me he loves me and everything is fine... I learned from this forum that recovering addicts go through many changes, physically and emotionally, we have no control over it, unfortunately. Sometimes it seems the spouses are forgotten during their recovery process, because now it's time to focus on themselves. I know it must be shocking and heart breaking to get the divorce bomb dropped on you out of nowhere. I'm sorry you are going through this, but please take the necessary measures to protect yourself. She may not be able to even consider you at the moment. She is wrapped up in her recovery, and possibly having an affair of sorts, or at least being swayed by some other influence in her decisions. Let it be. She is thinking of her needs. You need to think of yours. Good luck, I hope to keep hearing from you. This is a great place to get advice and a place to vent. We are here for you!

Kbagel199

It's the 12 step program for eating disorders. AA has the big book and they also have the same book but for eating disorders. It has the same general information but a lot of additives specifically geared towards eating disorders. Her sponsor reads/teaches her from the AA big book. I am definitely going to see a lawyer. I haven't left our home and neither has she. She says she continues to plan on staying there and asked me the other day why I get to have our bedroom and she has to stay in the guest bedroom. There is still no remorse she is acting like I am inconveniencing her. It's a mess.

Kbagel199

She actually told me when this program started that her sponsor told to her to tell me to prepare myself for step 4 because there will be a lot of anger and emotions. I didn't expect to be told I'm getting a divorce though. She's now on step 7. I'm definitely getting a lawyer so I can be informed when she files.

biminiblue

Well, now you get to "look forward" to steps 8 & 9, which are also really stressful.

Protect your bank accounts and any other stuff you want to be safe.

Ask me how I know.

She's going to be a mess for a while. If she is still practicing eating disorder behavior (which, I would just assume she still is, like any addict) her thinking is really messed up anyway due to malnutrition. Eating disorders are a mess and so hard to treat.

You sound like you're doing okay for now? Do you have any outside support like friends and family or a counselor?

Kbagel199

Yes according to her she went from throwing up 5 times a day to only throwing up 3 times in the past 2 weeks. She says this is the healthiest shes ever been. Because I do love her that makes me happy but I also have no idea if she is being honest because she told me she is a liar. I can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth at this point. The reason I place any blame her sponsor is solely because I know that a sponsor should encourage their sponsees to not make any life changing decisions at this point in the recovery process. She has clearly been coached and someone has been in her ear. I knew she would change in this process and that I would have to commit to growing with her on my own end for it to work so I didn't think it would be a fix but the point is that I was committed and shocked when commitment to this marriage suddenly became not an option to my wife.

Kbagel199

No I said she's been doing this for about 5 weeks and her sponsor approached her 3 days into her attending meetings. I don't know that it was her sponsor and now that I know she's been lying about so much I'm pretty sure she was lying about that too. I'm convinced at this point she met someone else. I'm assuming it was someone in the program too (or her sponsor but that's unlikely) because there was zero indication prior to her entering the program. She was engaged in our marriage and was very open with her phone prior to all of this. The behavior shift was so drastic. And I am not leaving out marital home. I've made that clear. I am sleeping in our bed and showering in our shower. She was home this morning and asked me why we can't switch every other week and she can have the master bedroom. She's continuing to be selfish and show no remorse in her decision.

Kbagel199

I have come to that conclusion as well. She is my wife and I trusted her completely so when she said "oh I'm talking to my sponsor" I believed her. Now with all that has come to light I am convinced she is having an affair. It may be with her sponsor or someone else. I just don't know.

Kbagel199

Thank you for that and I'm sorry to hear you are going through the emotional rollercoaster as well. I hope it works out. I don't think separation and talking is an option. She's made up her mind. I will be doing what I can to protect myself for sure. I am in therapy and will continue it. And no I'm not positive it was her sponsor she was talking to. I just took her word for that but I never heard or saw the conversations because they were always private and out of ear shot. In my heart I almost wish it was her sponsor because the thought of it being another lover would shatter me even more. I can handle the thought of a toxic sponsor more than I can handle the thought of my new wife leaving me for someone else. With the first option there may be hope. I feel like if she met someone else then the hope for us is gone. Maybe hope in general is something I need to let go of. I don't know.

Kbagel199

So here's the rub...when we got married she had a savings account open with nothing in and we decided that it would be our joint savings and whenever I needed money I would just have her transfer it to me. Stupid I know that I didn't have my name on that account but I thought I would be with this woman for the rest of my life. The thought of not didn't even cross my mind. I regret it but can't change it. She is now holding that money hostage and refuses to transfer my half. I'm sitting down with a lawyer to review my rights and options. I need that money. What happened in your situation?

She says she's no longer acting in bad behaviors and that is part of her decision to leave. She says that she has never been healthier and in order to continue her health and happiness she needs to leave this marriage. Sure sounds like she's blaming her eating disorder on me. I am the one who encouraged her to start this program to get healthy and now it's backfired completely and left me broken and without my partner.

I am far from ok but I'm trying to be rational and not emotional. I got from sobbing one minute to being angry the next. I have a lot of support with family and friends and a therapist. I know I will get through this but it's so helpful to hear from people who can relate and know what I'm going through. I can use all the advice I can get since I am not in the program I feel confused about what is happening and if this is normal behavior for someone recovering?