Emotional abuse

Old 09-26-2017, 02:02 PM
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Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is every bit as horrific as verbal and physical abuse.

One of the ways the brain protects the victims of abuse is by trauma bonding. Completely counter-intuitive to what logic may have me think.

"Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change."
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:29 PM
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Trauma bonding occured in my marriage, entertwined and knotted up along with actual love. The trauma bonding started to strangle the love.

My husband and I are both in recovery. Mine came first, and with freedom from my interference in his journey with alcoholism he was able to find a path that works for him. Yes, it was a rocky one... I truly needed to step aside for him to take that walk with others who understood in ways I'm not meant to be there for. We are now building a stronger marriage in a new way.

Trauma bonding was the basis of my experience of life from birth. I couldn't see that until fairly recently. There is no love from my parents. There is a show for their egos, for others. There is manipulation, control and hatred, enveloped in something that looks really pretty to the outside world.

I was brought into No Contact with them by direction of God/Higher Power/Universe. I am now healing faster than ever, releasing old stress, illnesses and pain that I didn't realize was caused by trauma bonding... it's been a rapid transition I'm being carried through by healthy people showing up in my life and giving me support as I need it.

Trauma bonding was the basis of my relationship with my brother, my only sibling. He is also an emotional and psychological abuser. I'm now in No Contact with him and his entire family. It's become a great relief.

Recovery from trauma bonding for me has included many things, including time with volunteers and professionals at my local domestic violence center. Emotional abuse and psychological abuse are forms of domestic violence.

This is getting easier to find a voice about and share. THIS is me taking a brave step forward today. With it, I'm having some physical reactions that will soon pass. I may have some emotional and psychological reactions, but I have skills to deal with those now. I'm no longer afraid of my own family. The loving relationships are stronger, the ones I thought were loving and were not are now dissolved. I no longer consider my parents and brother as "family". There are many other people who are becoming family to me. Blood ties not required.
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Old 09-26-2017, 07:32 PM
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I can totally relate. My closest family are the people I know through recovery. They are my tribe and my 'go to' people. So glad you are finding peace and serenity even if it means going No Contact. Sometimes that's just the bigger part of the path laid before all of us; a lesson for them and a lesson for us. We can still choose to love them, but we need to put ourselves first.

Thank you for sharing this. This was exactly my issue with my XAH. The depth of our destruction towards each other was maddening and I didn't even realize how much I played into it until I stepped away through recovery.
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Old 09-27-2017, 09:20 AM
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Thank you for your insightful post and for sharing your story. I read up a lot on trauma bonding when I couldn't understand why I had developed such a strong pull toward a man who was abusive and disrespectful to me. I still feel that very strong pull to him, but have taken the scary step of backing away and just riding through the emotional pain of not being with him. I often got the "why do you stay?" from others, even on this forum, and I couldn't tell you. I stayed even when my boundaries were crossed, even the ultimate ones. I would always say, if he cheats then I will definitely leave. And then he did over and over again and I couldn't leave. Someone on this forum once said, they were scared to see what my actual bottom was. I think I was scared too. Maybe it was physical abuse, which never occurred (only a small shove once when I tried to kick him out of the house). But I sometimes wonder if it had would I have still stayed. I don't think about that often, but sometimes it crosses my mind.
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Old 09-27-2017, 10:52 AM
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Thank you for the post.

He has been so good after Friday. I don't know how long this honeymoon phase will last.
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Old 09-27-2017, 11:10 AM
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hearthealth..."honeymoon" is such a pleasant and sweet word. Maybe, "second phase of abuse cycle" would more accurately describe your situation...?
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Old 09-27-2017, 11:17 AM
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So... How long does the second phase of abuse cycle last? I guess no one knows until it ends.
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Old 09-27-2017, 11:29 AM
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hearthealth...as far as I know, I agree with you about that....that it is not possible to pinpoint the exact time......
I am thinking, though, that when the tensions start to build up, again...another episode is probably on the horizon....
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:14 AM
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Traumatic bonding in regards to DS, now age 11.

I don't speak much about my youngest son because it's not my place to be telling his story... yet today I feel it may be helpful in many ways to share a bit of the framework of his recovery from traumatic bonding within our own core family, and my FOO.

It's been a journey for him, as much as for myself and my husband. We've learned how to honor his emotions. To allow him his voice. To let him work through and process the GOOD and the BAD...

As I was able to give DS the gift of space away from his own father/my husband when he was in active addiction and dry drunk,it also has been allowing an easier healing and reconnection now that his father is in recovery.

DS has had support for several years from Alakid/Alateen/Alanon. He's also received more recent counseling from domestic abuse help centers, as I've received my own counseling and therapy in different rooms at the same time. To know we aren't alone and receive guidance from others who've been through this has been HUGE.

The longer we have been away from my parents and any contact whatsoever with them, the healthier we both have been.

DS is missing them much less and his take on the dysfunction pops up once in a while with no prompting and no comment by me. I let him have his voice without directing it.
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:34 AM
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In writing this I see a huge change in EVERYTHING took place once I went No Contact with my parents.

The abuse from them kept me in a cycle of staying with my husband throughout his alcoholism, even during the times I left him. Learning to leave my husband helped strengthen me to completely sever ties with my parents. Going No Contact with my parents enabled me to go No Contact with my husband when he relapsed again.

It's a journey, not a race. Life today is good. Each day has new possibilities.... new choices.... new good things coming about.
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