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..had been beautifully clean and sober since Christmas....

Old 09-26-2017, 03:41 AM
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..had been beautifully clean and sober since Christmas....

....then binged Saturday evening and all day Sunday.

Hello,

I wish I could just say it ended at wine and whisky but inevitably I did what I feared doing and left the house to seek other substances. Probably I wanted to try moderation in the "future" because of wine......but the other substances I never wanted to put near my again. They are vile and dirty...exactly how I feel after consuming, so it's time to concede that if I want the other substances gone forever (which I do....consider that since Christmas I've been exercising five days per week, sometimes with a double day...) then the alcohol (gateway) has to go (easier said than done giving it features so much)...

Anyway, I still have over ten single malts (they were for the "future" of course) and some wine so inevitably the "negotiations" begin.....wait until christmas? But start now and have three months under the belt already at Christmas...

better now. cut the losses and start fresh. too much risk. in that one binge I've lost a lot of cash and a lot of energy. a day off work and whatever damage I've done to my health. convinced my heart was going to explode yesterday...

Feeling dumb, been in this situation countless times. seems to be a repeat pattern. Sober, binge, sober, binge, sober, binge, sober, binge....

There is a lot that I need to analyze from the past few months in order to learn the lessons so I can recognize it should it repeat. Silly decisions that seemed inconsequential at the time but are glaringly obvious right now....

Actions speak louder than words. Wine promises me romance and relaxation but what I get is chaos, pain and loss. These have been the past actions, so rationally speaking they shall be the future actions, should I choose to put the poisoned chalice to my lips.

Risk is a lot compared to the perceived reward.
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Old 09-26-2017, 03:49 AM
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the alcohol isn't the gateway. the gateway is addiction. it's your mind.

the answer is SOBRIETY.

the answer is choosing to live your life in a different way, free from all of that, doing the work necessary to transform yourself into freedom.

pour out, give away or smash against a rock all that toxic poison, make a true CHOICE to embrace sobriety fully in your life, then get busy RIGHT NOW making your life awesome.

YOU CAN DO IT>

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Old 09-26-2017, 05:40 AM
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I'm sorry you had a relapse, but I'm glad you are back here. If you had waited for Christmas it would have cost you a lot more than just time. Exercising is hard, takes lots of commitment and goes away fast when you stop. I hope you get back to your sobriety goals and leave this moment behind. I guarantee today, tomorrow and the holidays will all be better for you. Good luck with romance too, I know the heart can get lonely.
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Old 09-26-2017, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Divijata View Post
Wine promises me romance and relaxation but what I get is chaos, pain and loss. These have been the past actions, so rationally speaking they shall be the future actions, should I choose to put the poisoned chalice to my lips.
This says it all.

Do you know what led up to the relapse? I hope that you will move forward, learn from this and get back to recovery.
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Old 09-26-2017, 10:05 AM
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Welcome Divijata ,
You know that an awful lot of damage can happen in 3 months should you pick up the chalice of poison . Get rid of it and get 3 months of great living before Christmas and years after . You said it yourself that if you pick it up all you get is pain and loss . This is the insanity of active alcoholism .

I hope you chose well .
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Old 09-26-2017, 10:45 AM
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I think once we know that we have a problem, we can't 'unknow' it and the buzz of whatever we take, only lasts about 5 minutes, then it all goes downhill very fast. It really isn't worth all the pain and self-loathing that follows.

You have all that experience of being clean and sober, to draw on and SR is an excellent place to do just that
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Old 09-26-2017, 06:13 PM
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Hi and welcome Divijata

so whats your plan to stay sober?

D
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:28 PM
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I'm so glad I got sober before the holidays and can now enjoy them. Otherwise, they would be miserable and disastrous.
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Old 09-27-2017, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
This says it all.

Do you know what led up to the relapse? I hope that you will move forward, learn from this and get back to recovery.
Good question.

The simple answer would be that there was still a "future date when I would moderate" software in operation in the operating system of my mind.

The more indepht analysis would probably be multidimensional. I'd gone home this summer vacation to spend it with family. The motivation was to avoid what happened the previous summer and lay tranquil in a safe haven. Last year there were eight months sober (at least, two by four months anyway) this year there has been nine, then the holidays came and isolation amongst other things led to rebinging. Unfortunately, there's a death taking place which has split the family. Family can drive you mad at the best of times but the last two weeks I didn't feel like exercising or eating too much. Three kilos lost without trying. Considering exercise is another addiction and I eat like a horse that probably says it all.

The family thing is probably an overall "trigger" or "reason" (probably more "root cause" not reason). I observe that there is a lot of toxic shame at play and where there is toxic shame at play there is a playground for addictions......

...maybe that's where the future moderation date came into play: fix the toxic shame underlying issues and perhaps moderation is possible (the holy middle ground). It's possible that was simply a "negotiation" with the part of me that loves wine and single malts and the part of me who loves to be sober ( a marriage of middle ground rather than my propensity for extreme thinking and actions? perhaps). The negotiation was realistic: "five years" before you can consider moderation....

...being "sneaky" thinking after five years of personal growth and success, moderation would not be much so appealing.

So why did the five years not materialize....

I'd been out the night before with work colleagues. I drove and obviously had no intention to drink. I drank alcohol free beers. Did it bother me? no, oddly enough I'm very comfortable in my own skin (sober). It's alcohol that makes me a little uncomfortable socially. However, some of the company I did not enjoy....

Perhaps I'm too demanding. Perhaps some people drain me. It was a late night. I fancied a strong cocktail when I got home. Didn't have one. The next day I felt an emotional hangover. I tend to take in and observe too much when in company. I notice all body language and gestures. All tones. In a microsecond I'll read someone. But later it's exhausting..
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