Marie2551

I am uncomfortable with my bf's drinking. We have been dating 9 mo. He is 43 and has a good job where he only works 3.5 days a week. Before we were dating he went out a lot. I don't like staying out late because I work a lot and also don't like to drink a lot so in the beginning I would go with him to watch a sports game or something and then go home. I didn't realize that he would stay out drinking many of those nights when we first were dating and waste the entire next day. Anyways now we are more serious and I am realizing all of these things. I love him but am scared. there are several weekends where he says he is going to dinner with a friend and ends up out drinking till 3 am. Recently he was in bed hungover the next day after one of these episodes still at 330 pm and cancelled our dinner plans. Also recently I was out of town and he went out drinking all night Friday night. He stayed in bed Saturday and picked me up from the airport Sunday and said I should be happy that he had gone to brunch and he had a few drinks but stopped drinking so he could pick me up from the airport. His car registration expired because he missed the inspection appointment because he was too hungover. The last episode was after we had been on vacation for 5 days, having a few drinks each day. Then he was back at work for one day then out drinking the following day all night "because he really needed that". Then in bed the whole next day and cancelled our plans. He has told me multiple times he will work on it if it bothers me. But now he says that I shouldn't try to change him and that he has asked his friends and they'd say he doesn't have a problem and as long as we are not engaged or living together that I don't get to judge his drinking. He is able to maintain his responsibilities mostly. I am not around him when he is very drunk but if he is "buzzed" he can sometimes say mean comments but is generally not mean or abusive at all. He has missed out on family activities because he was hungover. He says he has been single for so long and that he likes to go out and have a good time if we don't have plans, and he doesn't think it's an issue. He was wanted to get married and have kids for a while but hasn't found the right person so that is why he has this lifestyle. He says if we get engaged or move in together that we will stop. All of his friends are Single and younger then him. He doesn't have any hobbies and all he does with his friends involves drinking. I don't think that's healthy. He said he would go to therapy Like I asked but he hasn't. he says I need therapy if I keep criticizing him because he doesn't have a problem. Am I crazy? My family and friends like him but when I explain what's happening they say I should leave. His friends don't know the extent or frequency of his drinking. They just think he is a single man having a good time. He doesn't drink every day or every weekend. But he hasn't gone more than two weekends without getting drunk since I met him.

Needabreak

Ugh, this guy sounds like a real piece of work.

He won't.


For now, but alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse.



His being single for so long at 43 is a HUGE red flag. I have a feeling that a lot of other women who have crossed his path also had a problem with his drinking. Hence, the reason for him being single for so long.


Another HUGE red flag.



No, this is yet another huge red flag -- called deflection. Pretty standard for those with addictions.

However, he is correct that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

You only have nine months with him. Being married to him would be hell. Especially if there are kids involved. Do yourself a favor and cast this fish back into the sea. He's 43. He doesn't want to change and he is not going to change. He will, however, string you along for as long as he can.

Let Peter Pan go and live life the way he wants. You can do better.

dandylion

Marie....if drinking is affecting your relationship and your life...(which it sounds like it is), then his drinking is a problem for YOU.
I will say that his life and decisions belong to him...just like yours belong to you.
He does nave the right to decide what he is going to do..and, it is your right to decide if you are o.k. with that, or, not......
If two people are dating, for nine months, only... and, they are at laggerhorns about a major issue, such as this....I see it a a major red flag for the relationship....

Here is a link to our "library" of educational and enlightening articles about alcoholism and the effects on their loved ones....Please take time to read through them....you will find answers to so many of your questions, there....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I hope you will continue to read the threads...especially, the ones from the ones who have children....this makes the situation many, many times more complicated and difficult than you can even imagine.....

I suggest that you avoid pregnancy with this man at all costs....as, it doesn't look good, from where I sit....

ukiah77

Oh my, I was with that same guy 15 years ago! I gave him the benefit of the doubt (he made many heart felt promises) and married him. A lot of years were mostly good but the drinking continued and progressed. Although he stopped "going out" he just started drinking at home alone, totally ignoring me and the household responsibilities. Again, I believed his promises and the good days made me stay. He has always held down his job but mostly because I woke him up after he slept through his alarm. I am still with him and have kids, but he is on his 3rd round of alcoholism recovery (he quit again a few months ago) and to say it has been a roller coaster is an understatement. Please think long and hard before marrying, and having kids with an alcoholic. If he promises to quit, but doesn't/can't, that is a huge red flag! He probably never will. I wish someone would have warned me about what life with an alcoholic spouse was like. I knew there were signs that there was a problem but I was blinded by love I guess. I come here and read these forums because I'm trying to make sense for myself how I got into this mess and why I let it go on for so long, making excuses, believing empty promises, etc.. I have received some great advice from people here and it helps just knowing that others are going through the same thing. Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you one way or another. We all deserve to find happiness!

Nata1980

Run run run as fast as your can

I married a sober alcoholic who relapsed 5 years after. If I have known then what I know now - I would never marry him

SparkleKitty

If what he really wanted was to get married and have kids, he would be married with kids by now. It is far more likely that any "right person" he met ran in the other direction when they realized his main priority in life is drinking.

The number of people on this forum who believed that marriage or children would change someone else into being someone they are not is shocking. Please do not join that club.

maia1234

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

I agree with what was said above, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so his drinking isn't his problem it's yours.

There is a lot to think about. Hugs

Eauchiche

Active alcoholics are religious zealots with one purpose in life:

THEY WANT TO CONVERT YOU TO THEIR WORSHIP OF ALCOHOL

If you refuse, this makes you a heretic.

You can convert, if you want to. People get sucked into cults all the time.

velma929

Ahem. The right person to marry and procreate would stay far, far away from a man whose only hobby is drinking with his younger friends.

atalose

I don’t think any more needs to be said, it’s only been 9 months of dating and you have discovered that his drinking makes you uncomfortable, time to stop dating him.

This is what dating is all about, learning about each other to see if it’s a fit and you are discovering it is not.

If he’s had to tell you multiple times and you had to hear it multiple time – it’s not happening is it?

And he is right you shouldn’t try and change him. He’s a drinker it bothers you – not a match not compatible, time to move on to someone who does not have a drinking problem that bothers you.

I call BS on that one. A ring on a finger or someone helping pay ½ the rent doesn’t make someone stop drinking, that’s ridiculous. If he hasn't changed for you while dating don't think he will if this relationship progresses. What you see is what you are getting.

That tells you everything you need to know doesn’t it?

If you are having difficulty walking away from a short term relationship with someone who’s habits of drinking make you uncomfortable, then it is you who needs the therapy. And I don’t mean that in a mean way it’s just the reality.

He is living his life as he see’s fit, you don’t like aspects of his life and are hoping to change those things about him in order for YOU to have a great relationship. You have to date who he is today not who you think he could become in the future.

FeelingGreat

A single man just having a good time tends to be in late teens early 20s. If they haven't matured out of binge drinking by their 40s, chances are they never will.

Tune out completely on the words and only look at the actions. It will all become clear. Actions are what count.

TJD912

I married a sober alcoholic and am now going through divorce. It does not change, eventually he will blame you for trying to change him and now you're making him drink more. Listen to your gut while you can still get away. Someone once told me that once you start rationalizing, you compromise your integrity. You'll rationalize yourself right out of the life you think you are going to have. You will never have it with this man.

The fact that his friends say he doesn't drink a lot is no barometer. They all probably drink the same, so it doesn't seem like too much.

On top of it, he has clearly told you who he is and not to change him. That said, what you are living with now is on the low end of what it will become. It's the same story over and over. I lived it as many others on here have. You are compromising who you are, and for what?

He is already trying to deflect responsibility by telling you that you are the one who needs therapy. It gets worse. He's in the process of making you crazy, and it will work...I am now in the process of trying to fix that in my own life. You will lose grip with reality and what is truly yours to own.

Take care of yourself.

August252015

I STRONGLY echo the posts above- especially those of folks like atalose and NeedaBreak who boxed segments of your OP and commented.

I will just say - please break up with him for good, for YOUR sake. At the core, we MUST take care of ourselves first. A very salient point that I have lived- as an alcoholic and dating alcoholics and NOT alcoholics (note: it was the latter who broke up with me, to their credit) - I had to get sober and develop my own stable, emotionally steady, self-respecting and other-respecting life so that I would be ready, deserve and have a truly good relationship. Anyone who would have dated me before .... probably not a good catch for them.

He has to do him - as we say in AA/CODA-like groups - "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" - what you CAN do is take care of you.

Hugs and prayers.

PS - I might have missed you saying how old you are but I'd wager you're in your 30s (late 20s?) and I can promise you that you have plenty of time to adjust what you want and most importantly ALLOW in a relationship. This is coming from a just past 19 mo recovering alcoholic who's 41. And never could have imagined being engaged to my also sober and in solid recovery high school boyfriend I reconnected with out of the blue last summer ('16). My point is you just don't know what will happen when you are taking good care of yourself and your life - but it will feel good and right, not scary, stressful, painful- and the peace that brings is amazing.

Marie2551

Well it has been a few weeks since this post. More bargaining I guess. Thank you all for the encouraging words. He said he realized that he had to prove to me through his actions that I could trust him. He said he would not go to therapy because he doesn't have a problem and he would prove it to me. He went one weekend without going to the bar. The next weekend supposedly just a few drinks one night. Then last weekend I was out of town and called him and he was drunk. He didn't want to tell me where he was or who he was with. I don't even think he remembers talking to me. Tomorrow I will be back in town and plan to talk. I will ask him How can I trust him when he drinks to the point where he doesn't even remember talking to me and he tries to lie to me about what he is doing. I already know what he will say. He will say he is doing better, which he is. And that he will fix it himself, and refuse to get help. I'm sick of the roller coaster. I'm sick of not wanting to call or text him on Friday Saturday or Sunday if we are not physically together because I am scared he is drunk or hungover. If he doesn't think it is a problem that is fine and his choice, but then I have to leave because I do have a problem with it. If he admits it, which he has done on occasion, and he wants to change and get help, then I will support him.

The hardest part is that he doesn't drink everyday and hasn't had any serious problems with it. He's not "that bad". It's the fact that his monthly blackouts give me so much anxiety, fear and mistrust. And also that he can't stop like he said he would. I'm not the type of person that needs to always be around other people. But he is. And I can imagine it's hard when I am out of town for work and he is alone and his drinking buddies call him to go out. But for me the problem is that he just can't go out and have 2 drinks, he can't control himself. I can't live with that anxiety.

Marie2551

Thank you your ps section really helps. I am 31 and love this man. It is the closest I have come to getting engaged even though it's just less then a year of us dating. We have a great connection. It's so hard. Your words help.

dandylion

Marie, I sure hope that you are reading from the link that I gave you to the dozens and dozens of articles that are in our "library"......there is so much to know....

I am going to give you the following link to a specific article that is a good yard stick to know where the alcoholic is in terms of getting into recovery......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

Keep in mind that there is a big difference between "admitting that there is a problem".....and taking sincere, vigorous action.....
Sometimes the alcoholic will admit to a problem...because, that gets the partner off their backs....and, may agree some temporary, minimal effort....like agree to see a "counselor" (their favorite diversion), or, even sit in an AA meeting, here or there....but, their heart is not in it if they are doing it to get someone off their case....

Marie2551

Thank dandylion that is an excellent post and hits home


QUOTE=dandylion;6634172]Marie, I sure hope that you are reading from the link that I gave you to the dozens and dozens of articles that are in our "library"......there is so much to know....

I am going to give you the following link to a specific article that is a good yard stick to know where the alcoholic is in terms of getting into recovery......



Keep in mind that there is a big difference between "admitting that there is a problem".....and taking sincere, vigorous action.....
Sometimes the alcoholic will admit to a problem...because, that gets the partner off their backs....and, may agree some temporary, minimal effort....like agree to see a "counselor" (their favorite diversion), or, even sit in an AA meeting, here or there....but, their heart is not in it if they are doing it to get someone off their case....[/QUOTE]

AlcSis

[I can't live with that anxiety.[/QUOTE]


Marie,

Your last sentence says it all.

I think you know what you need to do.
You truly do.

This guy is not healthy - physically, nor emotionally.

He is making your life miserable.

And this misery has great potential to affect you - physically and emotionally. In fact, it seems like it already has.

Take care of yourself.

Do the right thing for you.

Don't minimize his problem(s). They are bigger and much more serious than you think. (More shall be revealed).

Please take heed to the solid advice, words of wisdom, and links that have been written and provided to you.

And do the right thing - FOR YOU!!

Hugs to ya'!!!!

p.s.
We members in this forum (and Alanon, if you can get to some meetings) are here to support you. Always.

p.s.s. You are only 31. Please don't make a mistake that could affect you for the rest of your life.....

AnvilheadII

some attributes we should consider when looking towards a partner or future spouse:

1) Stability
2) Reliability
3) Maturity
4) Consistency
5) Fealty
6) Honesty

re-reading your posts i'm having trouble finding ANY of these in the 43 year old man that you describe.

he's Peter Pan with a drinking problem.

atalose

I’m missing the great connection part???? That would have to be some amazing connection to dismiss all of what you just shared and all in this very short dating period of less than a year to make me stay.