Nata1980

So I sort of relapsed/engaged/whatever

XAH has been great (mostly) about visiting with DS and even attended his tennis lesson last weekend (first time in 1.5 years)

During the lesson he went on and on about how nice and sweet his family friends are with my son (long story - his family friend happen to be sister of his ex girlfriend and both ex GFs sister and ex GF still hang out with them - because his brother is married to the third sister and he now lives at his brothers place) and how they are so much better than his own brother. I am trying to read a book and just nod, and he proceeds to tell that I don't have real feelings and I don't care.

Ex GF is seriously enmeshed in everything and I was trying to avoid her our entire marriage - she creeped me out with her enmesh-ness, and it was a big issue with XAH because I was supposed to be her friend apparently. Just explaining the trigger here.

Since that does not work - he goes on about how much he misses his son and it makes his sad that he is so far. I am still trying to read a book and he does not get it. I tell him that he has a choice to move closer and see his son more often.
I leave to sit on bleachers and watch my son play tennis.

I get back and XAH proceeds to tell me how much of a b@tch I am - that's right, in front of all parents etc.

So I have not picked up a phone for a week.

I know what I did wrong - my own fault - but he drives me crazy with his whining about how hard his life is, while I work full time and get no help from any of those wonderful people.

Any advice how not to react would be appreciated - I feel terrible about myself.

SparkleKitty

First off, you owe no one any kind of casual conversation, ever. You have every right to not talk to him without being berated by him in front of other people. Your behavior was fine. His was reprehensible.

Second, please try to release that "feeling terrible about yourself" business into the wind. You are doing your best under phenomenally difficult circumstances, and working to disentangle yourself from toxicity. Good job, you, I say.

In the future, if you have to be in the same place at the same time, it's okay for you to say, "I'd rather not have a conversation right now," and walk away. Dandylion often advises, when he starts quacking and whining about stuff that makes you crazy, picture the word "SICK" tattooed across his forehead. Because he IS sick, as evidenced by the fact that healthy grown-ups don't behave the way he does.

Nata1980

Now this is something I can use - thank you

nez

When it is no longer important "to get your point across", that is when you will stop reacting.

hearthealth

I also don't see that you did anything wrong. You were there for a tennis game and read a book. You have every right to walk away from someone that was bothering you.

You're never going to get your point across to someone who treats you like he did.

maia1234

I agree, he had no right to disrespect you like that. I would tell him not to do it again or you will refuse to talk to him.We need to demand respect. If he can't do it, don't engage with him. Short and sweet, hopefully he will learn, if not follow through with what you said.

hopeful4

All he did was make himself look like an idiot in front of a bunch of people. That is not on you. This notion that you did something wrong is incorrect. You did not.

He is who he is. Believe him when he shows you. Good for you not to engage.

Someone above said when it's no longer important to get your point across, you will stop reacting. Wow. Very accurate.

I don't engage w/my XAH no matter what. I show ZERO emotion when dealing with him. I am cordial when we meet to exchange daughter. I do nothing extra, and I don't care how he acts or what he does. I expect the worst out of him, and that's what I usually get. I no longer let him control my thoughts and feelings. It's taken a long time, but I can finally say I am there.

Tight hugs friend.

Nata1980

Thank you all for giving me a peace of mind - this is why I like this place - it gives me clarity 😊

Bittersweetlove

You didn't do anything wrong. I think one of the hardest parts of engaging with an alcoholic is their ability to make completely abnormal situations appear normal. So much so that you often times feel the needs to questions your own normal. He disrespected you and that isn't ok. You didn't do anything to deserve that. Sometimes unhealthy people like when those around them are unhealthy too. Thus the lack of boundaries with the ex... there is nothing wrong with not engaging with unhealthy behavior and I agree with above eventually it won't even get a reaction from you at all. Baby steps through and be confident that you didn't do anything wrong.