Learning to Let Go of Him
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Learning to Let Go of Him
So this is my first post ever on a site like this. I kind of stumbled across this site after google searching questions and other people's similar stories. It seems like so many of you have similar experiences or can relate and I find that comforting.
When I began my relationship with my boyfriend (26), I knew he was a recovering alcoholic. I never had an experience with an alcoholic before and I think I was pretty naive with my expectations. However, my bf was the most affectionate, compassionate, loving, and thoughtful man I have ever met. Soon into our relationship he started making excuses to have one or two drinks. Not wanting to be overbearing and not truly understanding alcoholic nature, I didn't object. This is when I saw the uglier side of him that I wasn't prepared for. After doing my research and talking to him about AA, rehab, and his sponsor, I learned that by having just one drink, it can lead to terrible outcomes.
But this was all new to me. We talked and he agreed that he knew he was doing wrong and he loved me so much he wasn't going to lose me by drinking. I made it explicitly clear after dealing with a few drunken episodes that I couldn't take another one. So he agreed and he started trying to be sober once again.
Was it naive of me to think he really could stop at this point in his life?
Last night was one of the most traumatizing nights of my life. He has been stressed trying to get a job, make things right with his parents, and stay sober. He mentioned he wanted to go for a late night walk (something he does often) and told me he would be gone only 30 minutes. Trusting hime fully and completely, I was shattered when I called him after being gone for an hour and hearing him drunk on the phone. Hearing in his voice that he was pretty gone led to a two hour long hunt to find him. In these two hours, I lost my mind. I felt helpless. I was worried. I was scared. When I finally found him, I made the decision to drive him to his parents home an hour away late that night because emotionally I didn't have it in me to take care of him and myself.
The car ride home alone I felt betrayed and shattered. I love him and I know he loves me. When he finally sobered up this morning he knew what he had done. He knew I was leaving him and I did. I could hear that these past few hours shattered him as it did me.
He's a great and wonderful man. I have never met anyone like him. I just know that I can't support him in this state and put myself through college, work, and be a girlfriend all at the same time. I wish I could. I love him truly but I reached my own breaking point too.
When I began my relationship with my boyfriend (26), I knew he was a recovering alcoholic. I never had an experience with an alcoholic before and I think I was pretty naive with my expectations. However, my bf was the most affectionate, compassionate, loving, and thoughtful man I have ever met. Soon into our relationship he started making excuses to have one or two drinks. Not wanting to be overbearing and not truly understanding alcoholic nature, I didn't object. This is when I saw the uglier side of him that I wasn't prepared for. After doing my research and talking to him about AA, rehab, and his sponsor, I learned that by having just one drink, it can lead to terrible outcomes.
But this was all new to me. We talked and he agreed that he knew he was doing wrong and he loved me so much he wasn't going to lose me by drinking. I made it explicitly clear after dealing with a few drunken episodes that I couldn't take another one. So he agreed and he started trying to be sober once again.
Was it naive of me to think he really could stop at this point in his life?
Last night was one of the most traumatizing nights of my life. He has been stressed trying to get a job, make things right with his parents, and stay sober. He mentioned he wanted to go for a late night walk (something he does often) and told me he would be gone only 30 minutes. Trusting hime fully and completely, I was shattered when I called him after being gone for an hour and hearing him drunk on the phone. Hearing in his voice that he was pretty gone led to a two hour long hunt to find him. In these two hours, I lost my mind. I felt helpless. I was worried. I was scared. When I finally found him, I made the decision to drive him to his parents home an hour away late that night because emotionally I didn't have it in me to take care of him and myself.
The car ride home alone I felt betrayed and shattered. I love him and I know he loves me. When he finally sobered up this morning he knew what he had done. He knew I was leaving him and I did. I could hear that these past few hours shattered him as it did me.
He's a great and wonderful man. I have never met anyone like him. I just know that I can't support him in this state and put myself through college, work, and be a girlfriend all at the same time. I wish I could. I love him truly but I reached my own breaking point too.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Liv, you have good, strong healthy boundaries for the kind of behavior you can and can't live with, and that puts you way ahead of the game.
It is very unfortunate that he is not able to leave drinking completely behind him at the moment. But he is clearly familiar with all the resources available to help him if and when he decides that is what he needs to do.
It helps tremendously to remember that, no matter what it feels like, his drinking has nothing to do with you. It isn't personal, he isn't drinking at you--he has an addiction that he struggled with long before he met you. It is tempting to believe that we can be enough to get someone to stop, but that simply isn't the case. If we could love someone out of addiction, this forum wouldn't exist.
Keep posting, keep reading, keep educating yourself about addiction. It will be very helpful for you when he comes back with all sorts of promises to change.
It is very unfortunate that he is not able to leave drinking completely behind him at the moment. But he is clearly familiar with all the resources available to help him if and when he decides that is what he needs to do.
It helps tremendously to remember that, no matter what it feels like, his drinking has nothing to do with you. It isn't personal, he isn't drinking at you--he has an addiction that he struggled with long before he met you. It is tempting to believe that we can be enough to get someone to stop, but that simply isn't the case. If we could love someone out of addiction, this forum wouldn't exist.
Keep posting, keep reading, keep educating yourself about addiction. It will be very helpful for you when he comes back with all sorts of promises to change.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, livstrong. You chose your name well--you ARE strong, and smart to boot. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling, but I'm so glad you were able to see clearly enough to know that there is no future in such a relationship.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum. You'll find a lot of kindred souls, and you'll also find a lot of affirmation that you did the right thing in ending this relationship. He may certainly try to reel you back in, and educating yourself about alcoholism will help you remain strong and make good decisions. The "stickies" at the top of the page are a veritable boot camp for learning about alcoholism and recovery.
I started my 20+ year relationship with an A much like you did--he told me he was a recovering A, but we drank together and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It took years before I learned enough to even begin to see what was going on, b/c like your A, he was a sweet and thoughtful, kind and loving man much of the time. We are now 2 years divorced, and he is still drinking, so far as I know.
Keep reading and posting, liv--you're in a better place than so many of us were when we came here, and you're gonna be OK.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum. You'll find a lot of kindred souls, and you'll also find a lot of affirmation that you did the right thing in ending this relationship. He may certainly try to reel you back in, and educating yourself about alcoholism will help you remain strong and make good decisions. The "stickies" at the top of the page are a veritable boot camp for learning about alcoholism and recovery.
I started my 20+ year relationship with an A much like you did--he told me he was a recovering A, but we drank together and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It took years before I learned enough to even begin to see what was going on, b/c like your A, he was a sweet and thoughtful, kind and loving man much of the time. We are now 2 years divorced, and he is still drinking, so far as I know.
Keep reading and posting, liv--you're in a better place than so many of us were when we came here, and you're gonna be OK.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Livestrong...Welcome...
This link is for you...it h as educational articles about alcoholism and it's effects on the loved ones.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
This link is for you...it h as educational articles about alcoholism and it's effects on the loved ones.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
You are strong and you are smart. Don't feel bad that "he chose bottle over you". Take it as a sign from a higher power - you deserve better!
XAH chose booze and drugs over our 12 year marriage and his son. I thought we were soulmates. I knew he was recovering alcoholic - never drank with him - and he was sober (or more like dry drunk) for the first 5 years of our marriage.
You are lucky you are early into this - moving on is the best solution.
XAH chose booze and drugs over our 12 year marriage and his son. I thought we were soulmates. I knew he was recovering alcoholic - never drank with him - and he was sober (or more like dry drunk) for the first 5 years of our marriage.
You are lucky you are early into this - moving on is the best solution.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
You are way ahead of the game already knowing your boundaries and what you can and can't put up with. As soon as you discussed your two hour hunt for him I was going to suggest learning about codependency. But when I continued to read that you took him to his parents because you could not care for him and care for yourself at the same time, that's when I realized....good for her, she has strong boundaries! I cannot tell you how many times I let the hours long hunt for him in the middle of the night occur. Over two years worth. All to my expense of losing sleep, falling behind at work, losing good relationships with family, dramatic increase in anxiety and depression. The trauma you experienced once, let it be the only time. You do not want to relive it over and over again like I and so many others have, only for it to be futile because alcoholics really never change unless they decide to on their own. You certainly cannot love them into it.
Be prepared if he should come back begging for another chance. It's great you have these boundaries already, but the title of this post leads me to believe you are still vulnerable. Relationships with alcoholics can be cunning. You can think you are done, and really believe it, but they can be very seductive in trying to win you back so you can continue to enable. Don't let it. So many of us here can tell you how going back will always result in the same place you tried to leave.
Best of luck to you. I am trying to learn how to let go as well. Have a plan. Go to alanon. They don't choose alcohol over us. They choose it over themselves.
Be prepared if he should come back begging for another chance. It's great you have these boundaries already, but the title of this post leads me to believe you are still vulnerable. Relationships with alcoholics can be cunning. You can think you are done, and really believe it, but they can be very seductive in trying to win you back so you can continue to enable. Don't let it. So many of us here can tell you how going back will always result in the same place you tried to leave.
Best of luck to you. I am trying to learn how to let go as well. Have a plan. Go to alanon. They don't choose alcohol over us. They choose it over themselves.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Was it naive of me to think he really could stop at this point in his life?
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