Catchingthreads

After 10 years and just after my birthday he decided to end our relationship through a text message-while I was on my way to work.

With that opening sentence I feel a little background is necessary. The last 12 month have been Hard, his father passed away after long term dementia, his mother turned into a controlling mad woman during this time, telling people when they could and could not go to visiting and essentially lapping up the drama of having a terminally ill husband (she's now loving the martyrdom of having an alcoholic son) during this time he admitted we were in serious debt that he thought he could manage on his own-but couldn't. Add to that the day to day stress of work and raising a teen and my own problems (never as impending, stressful or painful as his, as you can imagine) things started to go sideways.

I noticed that after hospital visits or time spent with his mum he would become "ill" or "super worn out sleepy" and spent a lot of time in the kitchen or back yard on his own - it hurt to be shut out but I respected it as he was legitimately going through a tough time and I thought he needed space on his own to sort through his feelings (I now know what you're thinking at this point "uh-oh red flags") He'd take the dog for a walk and come back slurring, blaming being tired then stumble upstairs to bed leaving the doors unlocked and the lights on. Things progressed and arguments got vicious, nothing physical but his anger was aimed at me and so strong "why had I let him buy me things on credit cards!?!" "why wasn't I doing more to support him" I calmly kept explaining over time that I am not his mother, keeper, doctor or maid and feeling confused and hurt over the shape of our relationship.

Then I started finding the empty vodka bottles.

He swore it was helping him, it stopped the none stop noise in his head so he could sleep. I paid for private counselling for him (looking back I think I needed it more!) he went 6 times and announced it was helping so he didn't need AA. During these months I could see us falling apart and explained it was the drink or us his family.

He swore on his life, he begged, he cried.

So a fresh start was needed. The house went on the market and we found a lovely rental property, signed the lease and on the second day he was drinking again. An intervention was in order, I explained I loved him but could not be around him while he was drinking and if he was to continue drinking he had to leave our home...he stormed out. His bother had to pick him up (drunk) and take him to their mothers, he lasted 5 days there. she checked his bags and emptied out bottles, sniffed his breath and apparently asked him every time she came back in the room if he had been drinking. So he bounced to his brothers 4 nights there during which he polished off most of his spirits and took a copy of his back door key. Then he asked to come "Home"

I said not until you are in some sort of recovery program and have managed to go at least a week without drinking. So he went to the old house with a sleeping bag and stopped there (this was the end of August) We were still in a relationship, I was wearing my ringing and he was still telling me lies.

My birthday, he came over after work with a card and asked if he could spend the night, stupidly I said yes. The next morning he offered to come over after work again, things had gone smoothly the night before so I said yes it would be lovely to see you again. I got home and he was passed out on the sofa. I threw a blanket over him, went to make a cup of tea, saw the vodka bottle he’d left hanging out of his bag and went to bed. He didn’t say a word to me the next morning, we both had to go the same way to get the train, he crossed the road so as to not walk with me, he got on a different train carriage as to not sit with me, he then text me breaking up with me as I had gone through his bag the night before and he had trust issues with me.

A relationship break up is hard enough but I’m dealing with Jekyll and Hyde and I have no idea which is on the other end of the phone when he calls until I answer. All of his things are here so we do have some sorting out to do but I have no idea how to do it and not end up all churned up inside, when he came to pick up some clothes yesterday he was doing his best to push my buttons baiting me about things that happened 7-8 years ago then switching to how I manipulate situations and then all of a sudden I’m a lier and always have been-it’s honestly exhausting and upsetting and I have no idea how to take my power back and walk away with some dignity intact.

I know I can’t control his drinking, I know I can’t give help if he won’t accept it but bloody hell I feel horrid, confused, angry, taken advantage of, sad that it has come to this and most annoying of all, after all of this, I still have feelings for him!!!

So this humongous first post is really me just asking you people that have gone through this - how did you stay sane and survive it?

honeypig

Hi, Catchingthreads, and welcome to SR. First of all, I want to say "good for you" for realizing that continuing down this road will only lead to more of the same, and worse. Although you're feeling "horrid, confused, angry, taken advantage of and sad that it has come to this" right now, you will eventually move on past this time and the pain. Cold comfort though it is, you've lost a real ball and chain, and in time you'll see that.

Regarding the "nuts and bolts" of splitting up--some of the suggestions I've seen posted here over the years are these:
1) Keep communication w/him to a bare minimum, and ONLY related to what needs to happen next. Do NOT engage in any discussion of any kind aside from this. Maybe limit it to email communication, as then you have proof of what arrangements have been set up. Block him on social media and on your phone.
2) Rather than leave it to him to come and pack up his stuff, which gives him opportunity to drag his feet and/or make more drama, pack it up in boxes and arrange a specific time for him to come pick it up. Tell him if he doesn't come at the arranged time, you will donate it to charity. Then if he doesn't come, donate it.
3) Alternatively, if there is a concern about violence or noncompliance, some people here have made arrangements with the police to accompany the A when he comes to pick up/pack up his stuff.

Do you need to have the lease on the place put in your name only? Do you have any joint finances that need to be separated? Are there major items of property (car, furniture) that are jointly owned, or is there joint auto insurance?Go through every aspect of your life and make sure his name is on NOTHING that is yours, or you may find yourself taken advantage of even further, or responsible for problems (debt, auto accident) that HE creates all on his own.

Be thorough in making sure you have no further ties to him, and do all this as promptly as you can. Dragging things out will only prolong the pain and anger.

I hope you can take some time to read around the forum. I think you'll see a lot of stories that will resonate w/you, and will also help to answer your question about how to survive. Keep reading, keep posting, and know that things WILL get better. As one of our members is fond of saying, "short-term pain for long-term gain!"

Catchingthreads

Thanks for your response Honeypig

Yes the lease is in joint names, honestly I'm not sure that once his is removed I'll be able to keep the property in just my name - I think the agents will do a financial recalculation and I don't think I will pass it on my income alone. Other than that its normal utility bills I have to change over, no joint accounts or car etc I have to worry about.

I've been reading the forum this morning and I'm coming to realise this feeling I have of doubting myself, in regards to his drinking, is pretty normal. I'm just worried now that in my current state if he does a 180 I'll get suckered in again.

honeypig

CT, keep reading. Keep learning. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself is KEY to not getting sucked back into the craziness. I'm sure you've seen a few threads where the OP is in exactly that situation, so hopefully those will be of use to you.

And I'm not kidding about the stickies; seriously, there are SO MANY questions that people ask that are covered so beautifully in the stickies. If you can devote 15 minutes to reading a few threads every day, you will have gotten yourself an alcoholism, codependency and recovery boot camp for free by the time you're finished. And I can almost guarantee that your world will look a lot different...

OpheliaKatz

I don't have much to add to this except to say I support you and that all the comments from the other members are really good.

Reading about your relationship reminded me almost exactly of my relationship to my AH, except my AH was not an alcoholic but an addict (drugs). He said that drug helped him sleep, they helped him quiet the noise in his head etc... . I eventually had to go no contact. It was just too much for me and he became violent. In the end, I hope that my actions saved his life, because now if he does want to live, he can't spend all his money on drugs (I hope he wants to live... but I guess that's not my choice anymore.)

Your partner was seeing a counselor, you didn't say what kind...? Unless it was an addiction counselor, it did more harm than good. At least, in my case, my AH's counselor enabled him by giving credence to the idea that his withdrawal symptoms were due to his mental health issues -- the counselor didn't know anything about drugs, and by the time it was clear that AH's health was on the line, it was too late, and he was horribly addicted. The addiction specialists I spoke to said that it was not possible to know what was caused by severe depression or the drugs and the only way to treat a dual-diagnosis situation is to first get the addict off the drugs, and then get them into counseling/therapy. If you just get them into therapy and they are not sober, they can manipulate the therapist -- eventually the therapist becomes one of their minions and shows up to court with them to testify that they are not a danger to their spouse (when in fact the addict is a danger to everyone, including themselves) -- this is hypothetical, I hope this does not ever happen to me... or you.

It's difficult to leave someone who is clearly hurting both of you when you still love them. It's hard to watch them hurt themselves, hurt you, and lie constantly about everything and anything. From time to time they will be sweet, because they want something from you. If you stick to your boundaries, they can become unusually cruel. I think drugs messes with people's ability of respect boundaries (both their boundaries and other people's boundaries). It also makes people unfathomably selfish.

The way I stayed sane is by calling helplines (there must be some for addiction and/or depression you can call). I also read SR a lot, and I post here or respond to posts. I have done to some Naranon/Alanon meetings. I have read some books: anything by Melody Beattie (The New Codependency) and Patricia Evans. There are a few stickies on the forums that list books and other resources. Actually, I should have said, "the way I'm trying to stay sane...."

If there are people you can trust, do reach out to them and talk to them about your feelings. I actually lost a lot of friends when I separated from AH, because people take sides. But the people you should have in your life will stay in your life. If anyone sticks around after this, treasure them.

It won't feel like it, but he did you a favor by breaking up with you. I am saying it won't feel like it, because I don't feel like I've been done any favors, but if I really think about it, the truth is, since my AH has been gone, my anxiety is actually 100xs less (unless I suspect he's lurking around the neighborhood, then my anxiety is 200xs more). I actually feel younger than I've felt in a while; I think it's because I get more sleep.

Sending you prayers and hugs. You can do this.

OpheliaKatz

Also, I got a few awesome acronyms from sober recovery.

4Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it, and don't let it consume you.

Jade: Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

maia1234

C,
Welcome and glad you posted. As Honeypig said there is a lot of great information on this forum. Keep reading and educating yourself. Your addict is no special snowflake, he is no different then any of the addicts on this forum. Keep posting, asking questions and reading, as education is power.

Sending hugs to you!!

Eauchiche

Dear Catching
Welcome!
The only thing I want to add is the trap I have fallen into a few times: Terminal Uniqueness.
This is a concept used in AA, but I think it applies to us family members as well. It means that our situation is different from those alcoholics we read about on these pages.

Your story sounds so typical, if you read some of our other posts, in addition to the stickies.

Keep coming back. We are here to support you.

Catchingthreads

I wrote a post then lost it.
So to surmise, he text me yesterday drunk and tried calling but I didn't respond. I later found out he had called my stepmom (she's been in solid recovery for 7 years now) sobbing and crying. Today I answered his call and I explained my boundaries to him, I can not have a relationship with him until he has actively committed to his recovery and I won't take his calls if I suspect him of drinking. I was hard and I felt horrible, but it's the truth. He said he wants his family back so I have left the ball in his court so to speak.
I am still changing the utilities etc over to my name today to cover my butt in case he is all talk, which after reading a lot of the forum yesterday I suspect he sadly might be.
Its too early in the week to feel this drained surely?

honeypig

I think you would be wise to require more than an "active commitment to recovery" as the conditions of resuming the relationship. In your reading yesterday, you might have bumped into the rule of thumb--AT LEAST one year of SOLID recovery before attempting to renew a relationship. I can tell you from experience that simply sitting in AA meetings does not equal recovery. I can also tell you that simply putting the bottle down, while absolutely necessary to make a START in recovery, is so very far from being the ONLY thing in recovery.

If you're able to read more today, look specifically for threads talking about early recovery and recovery in general, and then the one-year thing will make more sense to you.

FeelingGreat

hi CT, sorry for your situation. Now that he's going back to a certain extent on his decision to leave you, I suggest that you continue on as if you are permanently separated. This will allow you to focus on what you need to do practically and financially.

He will recover or not, and things will become clear over time.

OpheliaKatz

There are lot of comments in the forums that I want to save and print out and stick on my bedroom wall, so I can see them when I wake up. This is one of them. I lived with someone who did not go to meetings, have a sponsor, and repeatedly said he could quit by himself but constantly had "relapses" after 1,2, 5 weeks of not using. I think the longest he was sober (to my knowledge) is 6 weeks. To me, that is not a relapse because he was never in recovery. He was still hiding his drug use to people outside the family. He still had all the behavioral problems that caused his addiction.

Also from a co-dependence point of view, simply reading sober recovery or going to meetings is not being "in recovery from co-dependence". It's a start, but the work is in trying to actively change your own life and live your own best life, which is really really really hard. I'm still stuck somewhere between stage 4 and 8 of the 12 steps for families.

atalose

If I had a nickel for every alcoholic facing relationship ending, living couch to couch and missing work doing a 180 miracle sobriety………….I’d have a nickel!!!!

Your eyes see what your eyes see, your ears hear what your ears hear, might not be what you want to see or hear but it’s reality. When we get confused with thinking, they can change overnight or in a week or two or a month, we are living in fantasyland. We are struggling with facing the reality of our situation and in fear of facing our pain that the relationship we wished for is over. So many people rush back because they don’t want to deal with the pain only to be in more pain because nothing really has changed except the words.

TJD912

You are living the cycle you are going to live and it will get worse if you keep hopping back on the train. Just like when we mourn the death of someone, it takes time to get past it, but the key is moving forward. The difference is you have the option to keep re-engaging here and you will never get away if you keep hopping back on that train.

Catchingthreads

Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice, I am grateful.

I haven't seen him in since I last posted, just talked on the phone. He went to 2 AA meetings one last night and one the night before-which is a first. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to make things right & I keep replying go to more meetings, get a sponsor and see your doctor - it's like emotional ping-pong.

I get the feeling there is a very strong "leave while you still can" vibe in the forum, but that isn't my personal RL experience. Growing up my stepdad used to disappear on an evening 3-4 times a week and I must have been 11-12 when my mum explained it was to support people with drinking problems (he'd been sober 5 years at that point and she didn't feel the need to go into the other parts of it with me at that age) and as I mentioned above my step mum hasn't drank in 7 years...are my step parents experiences the exception to the rule? Have I attracted this behaviour somehow from my upbringing?
Obviously I'm hoping on some level their experiences of sobriety in a relationship are representative of how things could be for us if he works at his program, too soon to say if he will right now though.

On another note I looked into Al-anon and can't find any groups near me at all, as it's not an option and I have to do something for myself does anyone recommend counselling or any other type of help? I know this forum is great but I think I need some face to face support right now too.