TJD912

I've been part of this merry go round for so long, I am having trouble seeing reality. It doesn't matter the education level, the job, the articulate way of talking...the alcoholic will make you crazy; I am here thinking the totality of this, the second filing of divorce, is my fault b/c that's what I have been told for years. I've been told I'm a horrible wife, horrible step-mom, crazy, bi-polar, and that I ruined his life. I've been told these things time and time again. And in case I don't hear him, he yells it at the tops of his lungs and tells me I deserve to be yelled at b/c of how I ruined his life.

Our marriage in a nutshell: second marriage, blended family, I came with anger and dysfunction unrelated to AH, AH came with what he refers to as centered and sober for 12 years. Within 2 years, the marriage was falling apart (I had a heavy part in it with my unresolved issues) and he had already relapsed (he blames me) and started an affair with a woman at work that would last a year (he blames me). His reputation was ruined (blames me), his career aspirations were ruined (blames me), the relationships wth friends that he had long before I came around suffered (he blames me) and his family relationships that had wedges were even worse (he blames me.) His relapse was very intense, volatile, and sometimes very verbally violent (he blames me). Fast forward, we are separated for three years during which I filed for divorce once and we reconciled while staying separated, we try counseling for a year, and nothing changes. He's angrier than ever, blames me for ruining his life, insists I repeat to him that I ruined his life, and efforts I make to try to "make up" for it are met with moving goal posts. For years. He says he's out of shape, unhealthy, is not doing well at his new job and all of this is my fault. His youngest recently told him she no longer wants to live with him and he told me that is my fault. I have been told this so many times that I do not know what is my responsibility to own and what is not. He turns situations around and twists them (I think...sometimes I don't even know anymore).

So, last week was one of four 3 hour yelling episodes within 5 days where he was drunk again (I say nothing during these diatribes in hopes of de-escalating him but I don't learn...it only makes him angrier) where he repeated all of the above, including (again) telling me he wants to take a .45 and kill himself and asked me how it felt to know I was the wife who caused her husband to kill himself (and then emailed me later on...as he has done in the past...to tell me I did not deserve that treatment even though he feels I wronged him and his family.) I went home feeling crazy, crying, not knowing how I got myself into this, and the cycle like this has gone on over and over and over again. So I refiled for divorce and this time after signatures are sent back it will only take a few weeks to be final.

I feel guilty, I feel like I abandoned him, I feel like I can't do anything right, I feel like I owe him (because he's told me I owe him and I should be thanking him that he has stayed with me), I feel like I have not done enough to "make up for" the parts in the marriage I am wrong for, I feel like I deserved to be yelled at, like I deserved to be cheated on...I feel like a crazy woman. I have 2 teenage kids who are thrilled I left (and have been sheltered from most of the last 3 years) and have been grateful when AH and I separated and got 2 homes 3 years ago.

The only thing I have done right that AH admits to disliking me for is never sacrificing my relationships with my kids and my own health (he wants nothing to do with my races, running, etc...refuses to let me talk about any part of my life with him b/c he says it shows how little attention I pay him). He claims to have sacrificed every part of his life "for me" and this is why it is my fault his life has fallen apart.

I don't know what end is up anymore.

LovePeaceSushi

You're NOT crazy. Alcohol is some crazy-a$$ **** - THAT'S what is crazy.
There's no "why" or "because" when it comes to alcohol. That is something that is so hard to grasp (especially if you're intelligent!) because we are used to things making sense. 2+2=4, right?

NOT when you're with an alcoholic. If your husband is suicidal, that's not on YOU. He owns his mental crap and you own yours. You are not responsible for picking up his tab. I'm sure your husband, at his core, knows that you are not to blame for everything, but man, it sure is easy to take that road, isn't it??

Things may seem bleak right now, but let nature take its course. If you are a praying person, pray.

((HUGS)) Take care of yourself, momma.

RollTide

There is nothing quite like a relationship with an alcoholic to make you feel crazy. Anyone on here can verify that.

Things are slow here on a Saturday night. There will be wiser responses than mine before long.

I think you did the right thing for yourself and your kids to get away from the dysfunction. It seems that you might not be quite far enough away.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and recognize your part in the dysfunction. A good counselor might help you see things more clearly and work through it. Also, AlAnon helped me when I was also in the middle of the crazy.

This site helped me immensely. Please immerse yourself in the sticky posts and you will see that the behavior you are experiencing from your AH is similar to what many of us have been though.

For now just breathe. You don't have to make any decisions tonight. Take care of yourself and your kids tonight.

maia1234

TJD,
OMG!!!

What a raging alcoholic you have been with, and as you can see this disease progresses. This man takes no responsibility for anything. Who is he going to blame for his train wreck of a life, when you are long gone???

You have tried to do the best for you and your kids with what you have been living with . IMO - Get the hxll away from him. You need to start taking care of you. Please read around this forum, I see you have been on here a couple years. Do you have a therapist or can you attend any alanon or open AA meetings? Are your kids old enough to go to alateen? I think you all are in need of support. Just because you are no longer living with him doesn't mean the abuse is going to stop.

Please seek support for you. You are a loving, caring, bright, beautiful mom!!! You deserve so much more then "him". He is nothing but a self serving drunk and will wind up alone and miserable, as he already is. Please stick close to this fourm. When you are down we can support you and lift you back up. We have your back and will do everything to help you leave this evil man!! Keep posting and reading, education is power!!!

Sending Giant Bear Hugs to you!! You can do this and you will be OK!!!!

FeelingGreat

Having someone yell loudly at you for 3 hours, and do it repeatedly, is torture. No wonder you're doubting yourself.

Make no mistake that he's abusive, and abusive by choice. Does he yell at his boss for 3 hours straight? Thought not. He chooses make you the focus of his crumbling life.

As for your part in 'causing' his problems, well we all make mistakes and learn from them. You are facing up to yours and have tried to make amends but it makes no difference to him because he chooses to use you as the scapegoat for everything wrong in his life, which even now you know is bogus.

Well done for maintaining your relationship with your children. Don't let them down this time by keeping them in such a toxic atmosphere because it will be making their lives h*ll as well as your own.

Ariesagain

He is an active alcoholic and on top of that, one really enormous abusive jackass.

Guys like that give us drunks a bad name. There are plenty of alcoholics who would never dream of hurting anyone but themselves.

Listen. None of his crap is your fault. He could have made a thousand different constructive choices along the way...but he didn't. He just did what he wanted to do and blamed you for the fallout.

Divorce him and block him. Getting some help from a therapist and/or Alanon can be a big help in getting deprogrammed from all this nonsense.

NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sending you a hug.

Sasha1972

It sounds like you're taking his version of events for reality. How could any one person possibly be to blame for *everything* that has gone wrong in his life? Do you have that much awesome power, to control everything from his affair with some woman at work years ago to his being out of shape today? I doubt anyone has that much power. He is spinning a story of his life which conveniently deletes him from anything unpleasant or screwed-up which may have happened and inserts you instead.

Normal people can tolerate the idea that we may have some responsibility for our own misfortunes - normal people can say (or at least think) "I really screwed up by doing X, I'm the one responsible for Y, I only have myself to blame for Z". My experience is that addicts can't do this. They can only say "YOU YOU YOU", because the idea that they may be flawed is too terrifying to acknowledge.

If your ex is yelling at you for hours, he has a big problem. But it's his problem - you don't have to accept his version of the world in which you are the architect of every bad thing that has ever happened.

(My ex was similar. Been there and done that).

TJD912

I've read all of your replies over and over. Thank you so much for giving me something to hold on to, to help me start to get balance and reality back. I'll keep reading them and reading others' stories...it's like the same story over and over again. I was telling a friend that I see how people stay in these relationships. It starts slowly, and the efforts and the years pass and the next thing you know it's close to a decade later. Crazy. Unless a person has experienced life with an addict, it's hard to explain why I stayed. Again, my heartfelt thank you to all of you.

LeeJane

Sending supportive hugs to you. This situation is enough to make anyone doubt their sanity.

honeypig

TJD, I see you joined in 2015, so I'm guessing you fell into the same hole of "well, maybe it's not really that bad" as many of us here have. For me, there was so much I was afraid of, from financial fears to whether I could manage the yard and keep the driveway clear in winter to just plain terror of being by myself. And yes, I DID doubt myself in other ways--XAH said to me on more than one occasion, "so then what if I get help for myself and get better and decide I don't like it here anymore?" He knew my fears, knew what to say. If I had a penny for every lie over the 20+ years we were together, I'd be able to retire comfortably, instead of scrambling to make up the money he spent from our savings--and that was another area where I was made to feel crazy. I was told that it was OK that the bank books didn't balance, that I needed to "just trust that it's OK--you don't always need to UNDERSTAND everything, just trust it!"

And so, b/c I was afraid, I pretended it wasn't that bad.

I'm glad you posted, b/c in answering your post, I thought of a thread that might be helpful for you. In reading through it, I find that it's also exactly what I needed to read today to help me with a situation of my own. You'll notice I've bumped it up a couple of times already, and I guess that's b/c I think it's such a pertinent reading for so many of us here. Here it is:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...threshold.html (Hesitating on the Threshold)

Newlife17

I don't feel in any position to offer any advice at the moment. Just wanted to say I relate to pretty much everything you describe about his behaviors and your feelings. Just wanted to offer my support and that it sounds like you're doing the right thing for yourself as well as your children. No one comes out of these situations unscathed, especially us, the main targets of the blame. Wishing you well and better days ahead. Hope you keep posting through the process.

maia1234

Tjd,
I call it "being groomed". Over time we accept unacceptable behavior. We justify that it will get better and that he really didn't mean to "spit in my face" (over and over). I always say when we know better we do better. We just need people like sr to remind us that we are better then that, and we deserve more.

Take your kids and do something fun today. Stop letting your stbxah (soon to be ex alcoholic husband) take up space in your brain. Hugs!!

Becki67

TJD...I can't add more to what's already said above. I've been talking to this group for 10 years and they're very supportive throughout this entire roller coaster of a life with an alcoholic. Stay with us and accept the support. Glad you posted!

viola71

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. When I was questioning myself my big sister made me sit down with pen and paper and write down what I wanted out of life for myself. When all was said and done what was left on that paper were basic human needs and those weren't being met, and she asked me to write down what I would want for my daughter or son then she showed that list and let me know that every person deserves that list. You deserve it as well just for being a human being. You deserve a peaceful life surrounded by love and support don't accept less than what you would want for your kids you are WORTHY! Hugs

Nata1980

Sorry you are going through this

You are not crazy

Please keep away from him, and keep running if you can - it is a great selfcare

None of it is your fault - he did it all to himself

None of your unresolved issues caused him to drink

Take care and stick around - this is a great place 😊

TJD912

The peaceful life is what I am looking for. I can't believe I got sucked back in after we separated 3 years ago. I had almost forgotten what I was dealing with because he forced the focus to be on me for so long, and I focused on whatever the problem du jour was and set out to "fix" it. I kept forgetting he'd never allow it to be fixed. Thank you so much everyone.

FeelingGreat

At least you can tell yourself you'll never fall for that again. Do you have the ability to move away now? It's a concern that you're still being yelled at and abused.

TJD912

We sold the marital home and each purchased separate homes three years ago at the beginning of the separation. Nothing is shared (kids, money, furniture, bills...), but, I allowed myself to go to his house (or restaurant, or have him at my house) and stand there to be berated thinking I was seeing him to finally make it better...of course that never happened. I plan to put the final nail in and not look back. Because I had filed 3 years ago, the entire process is 99% complete. I want nothing of his, so after signatures are received, it will be done in 2-3 weeks.

You know, I looked at posts from three years ago when I had reached this same point and found this website...I was posting almost verbatim the same thing...only now it's gotten worse. It will never change.

Eauchiche

Dear TJ
When I was reading your "he blames me" narrative, it reminded me of a prayer style we use at my church called a "litanie."
"......... ............. ........."
HE BLAMES ME
"........... ........... .........."
HE BLAMES ME
etc....

What you have been listening to is a Litanie from Hell.

Go after that 1% you have left to leave this guy. You GO girl!!!

honeypig

Please don't beat yourself up for those three years. Congratulate yourself for realizing what's been going on and deciding NOW to finish what you'd started.

Here's a share from another SR member that made me laugh out loud both b/c it was funny and b/c it was soooo true!

Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun b/c they missed you the first time.