allthatsgood

Dear SR family- it's been a while since I posted here about my son who is addicted to heroin. Months ago, I stopped talking to him about his addiction and what he was or wasn't doing about it. I see him a few times a month and my gut tells me he is not in recovery. I feel guilty about not saying anything. In my crazy mind, I feel as though I'm ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist. And I wonder by me not speaking to him about it, if he thinks I think he's clean. Does anyone else feel that way? Thank you for sharing your feelings about it with me.

maia1234

A,
IMO, I think if he wants to talk with you about it, he will bring it up. His addiction is just that, his addiction. I know that you think that it's the elephant in the room, but it doesn't have to be. Let him work it out and you step back, as you can't do anything about it anyway.

We need to work our program and take care of ourselves, minding our side of the street. Hit meetings, educate yourself about addiction. You want to be the healthiest mom, mentally, physically and spiritully. When worried about an addict you can't do that. Give him to God to watch over (I know it is hard) and you work on yourself.

Hugs to you and pray that he will be safe!!

YourrStarr

My boyfriend is a heroin addict and I've asked him this question In his more lucid moments when he feels like talking about it. He shared that when he's strung out he doesn't care if anyone knows or not as long as you don't act like you know because that gets in the way of his high. Nothing else matters but that. Hopefully that helps? I think you're doing an amazing job because I too have been practicing boundaries for me and leaving him to his addiction and it's very hard to re-teach yourself how to see through healthier eyes. I commend you.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear ATG, my thought is that you must be at peace with your relationship with your son. You have detached. that can make it uncomfortable because you truly care about what happens to your son, but you have also realized what you can and cannot control. If you can have the relationship that works for YOU, then you don't need to know. As long as you have peace. I know for me when JJ is in active addiction, I just stop asking or talking to him. Its too hard for me to keep my peace knowing when he is not sober. I prefer to just let him run and he knows where I stand on sobriety.

Ann

My son is an addict and when he was still around I would meet him for lunch occasionally and we had an agreement, I would not bring up his addiction or lack of recovery and he would not share any horror stories from the street. We managed to actually have a nice time, laughing at a lot of things and not worry about stepping on the elephant in the room.

No matter what, I think we mamas all still love our sons and sometimes we have to make exceptions that non-addict families know nothing about....like remembering to take our Clorox wipes when we visit our sons in jail.

Just enjoy your visits, do not invite guilt to the table...yours or his.

Twofish

Dear ATG,
Glad to see you again. Missed you!
Anyway, my short response is that recovery looks, acts & talks like recovery.
Having this madness & crazy disease in my family, it's so hard to NOT take
charge and control. Our children must do that themselves.
Gentle hugs, we care.
TF

allthatsgood

Thank you Maia, YourStarr, Teresa, Ann and Twofish. I really appreciate your thoughts, experiences and advice about the elephant in the room. I feel so much better after reading all of your posts. These words especially hit home. Thank you!

"Just enjoy your visits, do not invite guilt to the table, yours or his."

"If you can have the relationship that works for YOU, then you don't need to know. As long as you have peace."

"Give him to God to watch over (I know it is hard) and you work on yourself. "

Anaya

More support and hugs from another mom.

It sounds like you're sticking to boundaries, good for you.

Ilovemysonjj

Let go and let GOD always helps me too!

Twofish

Dear ATG.
You know, whether you chose to talk about this disease with him or not,
his AV is choosing to tell you, what it wants to tell
you. True or untrue , there's nothing healthy about MANIPULATION.
When this has happened to me (it's been perhaps thousands of times)
I have many times turned to my "gut" for interpretation. And it seems in my
my situation that my "gut" trumps my "heart" and "mind".
Please take care of YOU, reach and accept support and let GOD show
your son that recovery is the only way. And that's really hard.
Very tight hugs, support, hope and prayers coming from this momma to
another momma. Please lean on your SR family.
TF

marteen

OMG! How many times have I gone through this with my AD? After her last stint in prison, when we first met, I felt comfortable because I figured she was clean and never thought about it. But as time went on, I realized that when SHE wanted to discuss her addiction is was on terms of humility and the regrets of her past active addiction behavior. It was good for her to get the things off her chest and it cleared the air.
However, when I noticed her behavior and attitude change, it usually signaled that SHE did not want to discuss it so therefore, it was off the table. And that was usually followed with her behavior becoming active addictive behavior and that was that!
I "knew" so I didn't have to bring up the subject or even want to. It is what it is and only she can do anything to change it, not me. It usually ended with her not being able to manipulate me or have me bend to her lies, so she would stop meeting with me.
I learned to live with that because I was as comfortable with MY boundaries and she seemed to be with her active addiction. If I had brought up the subject prior to that, it wouldn't have made any difference in her behavior anyway and I learned many, many moons ago, that I can't change, control or cure her addiction.

When it's your kid, it makes it even harder. Just try to stop "mothering" and just take what you can.

Hugs,
Marteen

Ann

Now, that's recovery in action! "Acceptance of what is and action to maintain OUR balance and boundaries", therein lies the key.

It is not what they do, it is how we "react" that counts. The only behaviour we own is ours.

Hugs

allthatsgood

Thanks Marteen and Twofish for sharing your experiences with me. As Ann said your recovery is shining through!