In need of support/pep talk
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
In need of support/pep talk
My divorce complaint is drafted, ready for my signatures and to be filed. Yet... I am having a hard time returning the papers to my lawyer. I saw my therapist this week and said I want to work with her the next couple of weeks on why and getting past it. I know I'm dealing with feelings of guilt, fear mostly for him, anger toward him, regret. I know I don't want this life-- he won't even admit he has a problem anymore. Denies that his addiction and refusal to get into recovery has anything to do with the breakdown of his life and our marriage. Continues to blame me and expect all others to cater to him. Calls me names and derogatory things that someone who loves another wouldn't do. This past week he did a couple of responsible things he used to and stayed home instead of leaving as soon as I got home from work. Yet last night and today I know he drank.
So what am I doing? Why can't I just rip off the bandaid? It's not like I think being with him is bringing anything positive to my life. I know I can live happier and healthier without him as he is now. So what's my problem? He said last week he wants to kill himself bc of me. I didn't even care to ask him to explain that.
To top it off, I had a very unpleasant interaction yesterday with one of my closest friends whose husband is divorcing her-- she was demanding to know when I was going to file, sounding very judgemental and started going off with venom about my AH about his personality defects (being shy, antisocial) and other really personal things, comparing him to other people we know, etc. I know I shouldn't have taken it so personally but I really thought she was out of line. I mean - i don't think I would have chosen to stay with him unless he was bringing something positive in my life. He was supportive, loyal and caring until 4 years ago. Anyway, any words of wisdom are appreciated. Thanks for listening.
So what am I doing? Why can't I just rip off the bandaid? It's not like I think being with him is bringing anything positive to my life. I know I can live happier and healthier without him as he is now. So what's my problem? He said last week he wants to kill himself bc of me. I didn't even care to ask him to explain that.
To top it off, I had a very unpleasant interaction yesterday with one of my closest friends whose husband is divorcing her-- she was demanding to know when I was going to file, sounding very judgemental and started going off with venom about my AH about his personality defects (being shy, antisocial) and other really personal things, comparing him to other people we know, etc. I know I shouldn't have taken it so personally but I really thought she was out of line. I mean - i don't think I would have chosen to stay with him unless he was bringing something positive in my life. He was supportive, loyal and caring until 4 years ago. Anyway, any words of wisdom are appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Newlife....among all the possible reasons that you are stalled, might be one reason that is so simple that it almost doesn't require saying.....
Did you expect it not to hurt?
I really don't know anyone who said that it didn't cause them to feel weird, nostalgic, or, share a few tears....when they finally signed the dotted line.
Even when they wanted the divorce....and, knew that they needed to do it....
Thankfully, in those cases the weird, uncomfortable feelings passed in a couple of says, or so......
That included me, also...lol....
Did you expect it not to hurt?
I really don't know anyone who said that it didn't cause them to feel weird, nostalgic, or, share a few tears....when they finally signed the dotted line.
Even when they wanted the divorce....and, knew that they needed to do it....
Thankfully, in those cases the weird, uncomfortable feelings passed in a couple of says, or so......
That included me, also...lol....
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NL,
Every spouse on this forum wanted the "happily ever after". I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. I still loved my axh on the day of our divorce. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers, he had to ask the baliff to hand me a tissue. I divorced because I knew it was best for "me", and I had too. Divorce is not a death sentence. If by chance he seeks sobriety, grows up and becomes this fantastic man, who says that you can't remarry. My sister in laws parents did. He was an alcoholic, after the divorce went to AA, got his act together and they remarried.
It does happen and it can for you. But sticking around wasting your life with a man who is no longer supportive, caring and loyal, to me is a waste of time.
(I have been divorce almost 3 years next month, axh is still drinking and doing drugs. Still angry and mean. He reached out in April and told me that he still loved me and was hoping that one day we would remarry. So you never know where your life will turn out, its God's plan, not ours. Do what is best for you today. All I know is that I would "Never" allow addiction anywhere near my life. I have learned never to go down that road again)
Hugs and you will be ok, I promise you!! Life does get so much better just have faith!!
Every spouse on this forum wanted the "happily ever after". I was with my addict for 34 years, 26 married. I still loved my axh on the day of our divorce. I cried my eyes out in the judges chambers, he had to ask the baliff to hand me a tissue. I divorced because I knew it was best for "me", and I had too. Divorce is not a death sentence. If by chance he seeks sobriety, grows up and becomes this fantastic man, who says that you can't remarry. My sister in laws parents did. He was an alcoholic, after the divorce went to AA, got his act together and they remarried.
It does happen and it can for you. But sticking around wasting your life with a man who is no longer supportive, caring and loyal, to me is a waste of time.
(I have been divorce almost 3 years next month, axh is still drinking and doing drugs. Still angry and mean. He reached out in April and told me that he still loved me and was hoping that one day we would remarry. So you never know where your life will turn out, its God's plan, not ours. Do what is best for you today. All I know is that I would "Never" allow addiction anywhere near my life. I have learned never to go down that road again)
Hugs and you will be ok, I promise you!! Life does get so much better just have faith!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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NL17, I don't think your friend contributed anything to you state of mind by trying to force your hand. Push someone and they want to push back. It's very probable what she said came from her own hurt feelings rather than anything to do with you. Put her aside in your mind and consult your own interests and reasons for the path you're taking.
It's very common to have these hesitations before making a major step in life. It will cause fundamental changes in the way you live and your path forward. But that's not a negative thing, necessarily, just an unknown.
Think about the future in terms of him still drinking. It's very common for As to be on their best behaviour about separation and divorce, but the key point is he's still drinking, and for an A that means alcohol will come first. Interfere with his ability to drink and you will see a different side of him.
It's very common to have these hesitations before making a major step in life. It will cause fundamental changes in the way you live and your path forward. But that's not a negative thing, necessarily, just an unknown.
Think about the future in terms of him still drinking. It's very common for As to be on their best behaviour about separation and divorce, but the key point is he's still drinking, and for an A that means alcohol will come first. Interfere with his ability to drink and you will see a different side of him.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Newlife, I'm going to post a link for you that I also posted to another member this AM. It is also EXTREMELY pertinent to my own life at this time, and I'm grateful that both you and the other member have given me this opportunity to share what I've learned as well as to refresh it in my own mind and heart. Here it is:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...threshold.html (Hesitating on the Threshold)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...threshold.html (Hesitating on the Threshold)
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thank you all for your replies.
Maudcat- thank you for asking. Let's just say today brought me some clarity. I'm so angry and so bitter and feeling so trapped. I signed the petition.
He said tonight that he feels more comfortable talking to his parents than me because they love him without an agenda. That just seals it for me. My agenda was wanting to build a life with him, having a real relationship with him. That's over and I see this for What it is. He can have the life he wants. I spent all day around functioning couples and families-- not perfect but at least both partners being functional, healthy, at ease with each other and with others. And I want that. I cannot have it with him not now and probably not ever. It just really makes me feel horrible inside. I hate that I made a mistake in marrying him. I know I would never have had my gorgeous, loving child without that, but I just feel so sick right now.
And that's what pushed me to sign the papers tonight. I don't want to be an angry person anymore. It just provides ammo for him- he blames my anger for him distancing himself and wanting to hide from me.
Maudcat- thank you for asking. Let's just say today brought me some clarity. I'm so angry and so bitter and feeling so trapped. I signed the petition.
He said tonight that he feels more comfortable talking to his parents than me because they love him without an agenda. That just seals it for me. My agenda was wanting to build a life with him, having a real relationship with him. That's over and I see this for What it is. He can have the life he wants. I spent all day around functioning couples and families-- not perfect but at least both partners being functional, healthy, at ease with each other and with others. And I want that. I cannot have it with him not now and probably not ever. It just really makes me feel horrible inside. I hate that I made a mistake in marrying him. I know I would never have had my gorgeous, loving child without that, but I just feel so sick right now.
And that's what pushed me to sign the papers tonight. I don't want to be an angry person anymore. It just provides ammo for him- he blames my anger for him distancing himself and wanting to hide from me.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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It sounds like you want to be the best version of yourself, and you can't be that person if you're married to an alcoholic. This strikes a familiar chord. I found that I liked myself a lot better after I left a marriage to an alcoholic. His second ex-wife has told me that she looks back on some of the things she did and said while she was dealing with the addicted craziness and "I don't even recognize myself in that person". Being in a relationship which makes you unhappy with yourself - because you're angry all the time, because you feel powerless, whatever form it may take - is exhausting and draining.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
It sounds like you want to be the best version of yourself, and you can't be that person if you're married to an alcoholic. This strikes a familiar chord. I found that I liked myself a lot better after I left a marriage to an alcoholic. His second ex-wife has told me that she looks back on some of the things she did and said while she was dealing with the addicted craziness and "I don't even recognize myself in that person". Being in a relationship which makes you unhappy with yourself - because you're angry all the time, because you feel powerless, whatever form it may take - is exhausting and draining.
Feel bad about himself all the time. My agenda is, according to him, what makes me unbearable and unlovable. Why would I want to be with
Someone who can't say one good thing about me?
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^^^^ OMG I think we were married to the same person!
It sucks, having to be "smaller than you are". It sounds like you have so much going for you (active church and community life, good career, tackling issues in therapy), is it possible that your husband could be jealous because his own life has turned into addiction and dysfunction? Actually, does it matter if he's jealous or not? What matters is that you've had to minimize yourself in order to maintain the marriage - you've had to put yourself down and make yourself small to appease him, and in the end, everything is still your fault anyway.
My experience has been that life is much richer and fuller on the other side.
It sucks, having to be "smaller than you are". It sounds like you have so much going for you (active church and community life, good career, tackling issues in therapy), is it possible that your husband could be jealous because his own life has turned into addiction and dysfunction? Actually, does it matter if he's jealous or not? What matters is that you've had to minimize yourself in order to maintain the marriage - you've had to put yourself down and make yourself small to appease him, and in the end, everything is still your fault anyway.
My experience has been that life is much richer and fuller on the other side.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Thank you all so much. You are giving me so much to think about and to think through.
No-- it doesn't matter if he is jealous. I guess not too long ago I felt like I had to minimize any expression of joy around him because he just seemed to contemptuous of me when he is drinking and he really has nothing much going on in his life except his temp job and our daughter (when he chooses to participate). I see this misery is him, not me-- but of course he blames me.
Today- no apologies, no acknowledgment of what happened last night, and absolutely no inkling of wanting to get sober. In fact he screamed in my face last night that he's been cutting down on his drinking during the week and if he wants to have some beers on the weekend he can because he's a man and I'm not his mother, I'm a controlling b---, and everything would be fine if I just shut up about him being an alcoholic and that I will never see him as anything but that.
Whatever.
I also blocked his sister just now from seeing my posts on social media. I am realizing he talks to her even though he tells me she has always treated him like dirt, and she has been badmouthing me, saying I'm a bully, a b-- that I'm unstable and that my whole family is crazy (my brother is bipolar). Sorry lady- you don't get the benefit of seeing any part of my life or your niece's life, but most of all-- really, I don't need the extra negativity.
Sending the petition to the lawyer tomorrow and thinking through the next steps.
No-- it doesn't matter if he is jealous. I guess not too long ago I felt like I had to minimize any expression of joy around him because he just seemed to contemptuous of me when he is drinking and he really has nothing much going on in his life except his temp job and our daughter (when he chooses to participate). I see this misery is him, not me-- but of course he blames me.
Today- no apologies, no acknowledgment of what happened last night, and absolutely no inkling of wanting to get sober. In fact he screamed in my face last night that he's been cutting down on his drinking during the week and if he wants to have some beers on the weekend he can because he's a man and I'm not his mother, I'm a controlling b---, and everything would be fine if I just shut up about him being an alcoholic and that I will never see him as anything but that.
Whatever.
I also blocked his sister just now from seeing my posts on social media. I am realizing he talks to her even though he tells me she has always treated him like dirt, and she has been badmouthing me, saying I'm a bully, a b-- that I'm unstable and that my whole family is crazy (my brother is bipolar). Sorry lady- you don't get the benefit of seeing any part of my life or your niece's life, but most of all-- really, I don't need the extra negativity.
Sending the petition to the lawyer tomorrow and thinking through the next steps.
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