I turned my bf in and I regret it
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
I turned my bf in and I regret it
My boyfriend has a 20 year long history of off and on heroin addiction. In the interest of brevity I'll leave out all of the details and fast forward to July. He'd been using for a year and just about destroyed me financially and pawned everything I own. Literally. Every.thing. we have a car in both of our names and him leaving would've meant me having to formally evict him. I finally asserted myself when it got to the point that I wasn't allowed to use the car at all. I ended up having to call the police and he spent a month and a half in jail.
He's on parole for a drug related conviction. I spoke to his parole officer when he was arrested and she was amazing. She took a special interest in my boyfriend and really wants him to succeed. She's also a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of sobriety so she understands. We all sat down together when he was released from jail and formulated a plan for my bf to call her if he relapses and she'll help him. He agreed that I would call his parole officer if he wouldn't or couldn't because if he was arrested again or his parole officer found out he was using and not asking for help he would end up in prison and that didn't help before and will only set him further back.
1 week before the hurricane here in Texas - 3 weeks after he got out of jail, he relapsed. He'd made incredibly positive changes in those 3 weeks but started hanging out with an old friend who was using and that was it. The problem: he's genuinely working on sobriety. Unlike before, he's asked me to take the car keys and keep them hidden and wants no money in his hand. He's got a pastor he talks to about his relapse as well.
Today is day 3 of his kick and he spent all day calling people for dope. As soon as I got home from work he openly admitted that he wanted dope more than anything. He justified, argued, begged, tried to manipulate me into getting him some dope. Even if I'd had the money I would've said no. I prayed over him and he allowed me to. I stayed calm, firm, loving and encouraging. I've spent the last month focusing on ME and this forum has helped me start to learn how to do that. But he wouldn't get out of the car and I was scared of him taking it to buy dope since I only have a half tank of gas until next friday and I drive for work. I was really scared of him snatching the keys again and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
So, he got out of the car to call someone to ask for dope and I called his parole officer. I explained what was going on and she said she'll call him in Monday for a drug test and go from there.
My problem is that he never used. It was grueling but we talked through it, he backed down and admitted that he was starting welding school on Monday and even though he wants to use he really wants to go to school and he's not going to give up on sobriety. Now I feel HORRIBLE. He won't go back to prison but he may have sanctions imposed that will prevent him from going to school because of schedule conflicts. I believe I may have hurt his sobriety and I feel horrible.
He's on parole for a drug related conviction. I spoke to his parole officer when he was arrested and she was amazing. She took a special interest in my boyfriend and really wants him to succeed. She's also a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of sobriety so she understands. We all sat down together when he was released from jail and formulated a plan for my bf to call her if he relapses and she'll help him. He agreed that I would call his parole officer if he wouldn't or couldn't because if he was arrested again or his parole officer found out he was using and not asking for help he would end up in prison and that didn't help before and will only set him further back.
1 week before the hurricane here in Texas - 3 weeks after he got out of jail, he relapsed. He'd made incredibly positive changes in those 3 weeks but started hanging out with an old friend who was using and that was it. The problem: he's genuinely working on sobriety. Unlike before, he's asked me to take the car keys and keep them hidden and wants no money in his hand. He's got a pastor he talks to about his relapse as well.
Today is day 3 of his kick and he spent all day calling people for dope. As soon as I got home from work he openly admitted that he wanted dope more than anything. He justified, argued, begged, tried to manipulate me into getting him some dope. Even if I'd had the money I would've said no. I prayed over him and he allowed me to. I stayed calm, firm, loving and encouraging. I've spent the last month focusing on ME and this forum has helped me start to learn how to do that. But he wouldn't get out of the car and I was scared of him taking it to buy dope since I only have a half tank of gas until next friday and I drive for work. I was really scared of him snatching the keys again and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
So, he got out of the car to call someone to ask for dope and I called his parole officer. I explained what was going on and she said she'll call him in Monday for a drug test and go from there.
My problem is that he never used. It was grueling but we talked through it, he backed down and admitted that he was starting welding school on Monday and even though he wants to use he really wants to go to school and he's not going to give up on sobriety. Now I feel HORRIBLE. He won't go back to prison but he may have sanctions imposed that will prevent him from going to school because of schedule conflicts. I believe I may have hurt his sobriety and I feel horrible.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi YS
I'm sorry for your situation. From reading your post you certainly have your hands full.
Unfortunately I have experience directly dealing with Heroine addicts.
From my experience, I don't believe you or his parole officer can force him into sobriety. He is potentially facing severe consequences for using while on parole but he continues to use, Also if you think about it sobriety will never work as long as your addict still hangs out with using friends. If he truly wanted recovery / sobriety he would run as far away from those friends as he could get & definitely not embrace them.
I think the bottom line here is you have to make some decisions concerning you & your life. Our addicts are what they are. They don't change until they alone make a decision to change. Mine would not change. In the end I was forced to make an extremely difficult decision - I had to end the madness once & for all - I had to save myself & walk away. I did that in the beginning of June 2017.
SR is a great forum. There are numerous well informed caring individuals who can help guide you. There is also volumes of info to read. If you spend some time reading, you will soon find out, your situation is not unique & you are definitely not alone.
I wish you all the best dealing with your most difficult situation.
I'm sorry for your situation. From reading your post you certainly have your hands full.
Unfortunately I have experience directly dealing with Heroine addicts.
From my experience, I don't believe you or his parole officer can force him into sobriety. He is potentially facing severe consequences for using while on parole but he continues to use, Also if you think about it sobriety will never work as long as your addict still hangs out with using friends. If he truly wanted recovery / sobriety he would run as far away from those friends as he could get & definitely not embrace them.
I think the bottom line here is you have to make some decisions concerning you & your life. Our addicts are what they are. They don't change until they alone make a decision to change. Mine would not change. In the end I was forced to make an extremely difficult decision - I had to end the madness once & for all - I had to save myself & walk away. I did that in the beginning of June 2017.
SR is a great forum. There are numerous well informed caring individuals who can help guide you. There is also volumes of info to read. If you spend some time reading, you will soon find out, your situation is not unique & you are definitely not alone.
I wish you all the best dealing with your most difficult situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
He, YourrStarr.
Welcome to SR.
HardLessons speaks true. Good words there.
No one can change another's behavior. It sounds like your SO is struggling, but he isn't ready and willing just yet.
Good thoughts coming your way.
Welcome to SR.
HardLessons speaks true. Good words there.
No one can change another's behavior. It sounds like your SO is struggling, but he isn't ready and willing just yet.
Good thoughts coming your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Today is day 3 of his kick and he spent all day calling people for dope.
So, he got out of the car to call someone to ask for dope and I called his parole officer.
My problem is that he never used.
He sprung the welding school on you JUST as you started showing him that you weren't going to shield him from the consequences of his behavior. Was he registered? Did he pay a deposit? Or was he just going to show up that day?
And even if he did legitimately sign up for welding school, his behavior these previous days gave you every indication that he was not going to follow through. Colleges rescind/take back acceptances if the applicants decide to totally goof off the remainder of their senior year. This guy was actually begging for drugs - he didn't actually have to be using to set your alarm bells off.
From my perspective, your SO engineered the perfect relapse so you could take the blame. He begs for drugs. You call his PO. The scheduled drug test screws up his welding school. He's so much in despair that he shoots up again, and he can blame you.
You need a partner who doesn't stick a needle in his arm every time life doesn't go his way. HardLessons is right - if he's truly searching for recovery, he wouldn't be hanging out with friends that serve as triggers.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
From my perspective, your SO engineered the perfect relapse so you could take the blame. He begs for drugs. You call his PO. The scheduled drug test screws up his welding school. He's so much in despair that he shoots up again, and he can blame you.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
Back to me when we were done and told me to hide them. He's doing well. But truthfully I'm sick of him. I'm carefully planning my way out to protect myself unless jesus flies down out of the clouds and miraculously changes him.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
YS,
This is a boyfriend, not a husband or father of your children. Boy you are working very, very hard to help this man. You are very intertwined with him. I think that he is an adult and you need to start treating him like that.
You are not his protector to have to give him keys, take the keys away and so on. He deserves the respect of a grown man, as you are not his care taker. I would figure out what type of life your future holds with this addict, its not pretty. Educate yourself about addiction, do your home work and realize that this is a dead end relationship. You are worth so much more.
Keep posting, and asking questions. You will be ok, him... not so sure. Hugs!!
This is a boyfriend, not a husband or father of your children. Boy you are working very, very hard to help this man. You are very intertwined with him. I think that he is an adult and you need to start treating him like that.
You are not his protector to have to give him keys, take the keys away and so on. He deserves the respect of a grown man, as you are not his care taker. I would figure out what type of life your future holds with this addict, its not pretty. Educate yourself about addiction, do your home work and realize that this is a dead end relationship. You are worth so much more.
Keep posting, and asking questions. You will be ok, him... not so sure. Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by maia1234
YS,
This is a boyfriend, not a husband or father of your children. Boy you are working very, very hard to help this man. You are very intertwined with him. I think that he is an adult and you need to start treating him like that.
You are not his protector to have to give him keys, take the keys away and so on. He deserves the respect of a grown man, as you are not his care taker. I would figure out what type of life your future holds with this addict, its not pretty. Educate yourself about addiction, do your home work and realize that this is a dead end relationship. You are worth so much more.
Keep posting, and asking questions. You will be ok, him... not so sure. Hugs!!
This is a boyfriend, not a husband or father of your children. Boy you are working very, very hard to help this man. You are very intertwined with him. I think that he is an adult and you need to start treating him like that.
You are not his protector to have to give him keys, take the keys away and so on. He deserves the respect of a grown man, as you are not his care taker. I would figure out what type of life your future holds with this addict, its not pretty. Educate yourself about addiction, do your home work and realize that this is a dead end relationship. You are worth so much more.
Keep posting, and asking questions. You will be ok, him... not so sure. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ys,
Thank you for clarifying that. I am not trying to underestimate what you are going through. He is an addict and they turn our world's upside down. We need to clear up the fog you are in and get you on the right path to independence.
I want to tell you you have a family, your SR family. You no longer have to walk this alone. There are many people who can give you ideas and suggestions on what worked for them, to get out of this relationship. In some way or another, we have all walked in your codependency shoes. The question is how to change your shoes.
Is there a chance that you can hit any alanon or open aa meetings. The year of my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week plus sr every night for 10 straight months. I was very very sick. I worked very hard to get untangled from my axh. It was painful but I did it and divorced him after 34 years together. You can too.
Do you have a plan, short term and long term? This plan is for you, not him. What is it that you want? To live seperately? "divorce" ? Do you own a home together or rent, when is your lease up? Have you spoken to an attorney?
I promise you, if you keep reading and posting around this forum you will learn all the options that are available. Never give up, there is always hope. Sending big big hugs your way!!!
Thank you for clarifying that. I am not trying to underestimate what you are going through. He is an addict and they turn our world's upside down. We need to clear up the fog you are in and get you on the right path to independence.
I want to tell you you have a family, your SR family. You no longer have to walk this alone. There are many people who can give you ideas and suggestions on what worked for them, to get out of this relationship. In some way or another, we have all walked in your codependency shoes. The question is how to change your shoes.
Is there a chance that you can hit any alanon or open aa meetings. The year of my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week plus sr every night for 10 straight months. I was very very sick. I worked very hard to get untangled from my axh. It was painful but I did it and divorced him after 34 years together. You can too.
Do you have a plan, short term and long term? This plan is for you, not him. What is it that you want? To live seperately? "divorce" ? Do you own a home together or rent, when is your lease up? Have you spoken to an attorney?
I promise you, if you keep reading and posting around this forum you will learn all the options that are available. Never give up, there is always hope. Sending big big hugs your way!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 6
Maia,
You are VERY strong to have found out that there was a healthy way to live and then pursue it after 34 years of marriage. That's remarkable and I super appreciate your wisdom in this. My mother is an addict and my father died when I was young. I ran away when I was very young to get away from my mom and I learned how to love and forgive her through my faith. All I see is a beautiful but broken woman when I think of her. But I'm still codependent. Now that I'm getting older the one thing I valued was not "needing" a man. My relationship with Jesus suffered from my decision to get into this relationship and I'm thankful that wanting that back was what made me put this man in jail. He was there a month and a half and I've started celebrate recovery, I no longer allow him to babysit me, I'm on antidepressants, my mood is WAY more stable so I've learned to maintain an even self control with him between jesus, medicine, church and reading this forum since July. Today was stressful because he's having cravings and he's very negative so I snapped and called him a name. But we moved into a smaller apartment to save $450 a month on rent today and now that the hurricane is over and the flood water is gone I'm back to work so slowly but surely I'll have the money to leave if he relapses again within 6 months - which is the lease term I just signed for. As long as he's not on the lease and not in the house longer than 60 days he won't be a resident so I won't have to formally evict him so that's my plan. Take the car and just go. He seems to be really trying for the first time so I felt horrible for calling his parole officer But she's an amazing lady and I couldn't do this without her. I'm trying really hard for the first time in my 37 years to learn what boundaries are and get off the crazy train. It's not as hard as I thought it would be it's just brand new. I feel so free. Thank you for caring so much. This is exhausting. But as I'm posting this he just told me it's not my job to buy him cigarettes so he's walking to the store to look for cigarette butts to smoke. Gross. But slowly but surely my changes for ME are working and he's not bullying me...he's NEVER done that before so that makes me feel pretty good, I'm just REALLY REALLY TIRED.
And I just want to say...I was INSAAAANE when he first relapsed while we were together. I spent most of last year truly believing that I needed to be in a psych hospital. I'm telling y'all when he was arrested I was devastated. Even though I was crazy and broken and financially destitute I STILL MISSED HIM!!!! I missed the sober bf. I was so focused on getting that back it made me totally out of my mind. When they leave it hurts so so so bad. But man his arrest was the best thing that happened to me in a long-time.
You are VERY strong to have found out that there was a healthy way to live and then pursue it after 34 years of marriage. That's remarkable and I super appreciate your wisdom in this. My mother is an addict and my father died when I was young. I ran away when I was very young to get away from my mom and I learned how to love and forgive her through my faith. All I see is a beautiful but broken woman when I think of her. But I'm still codependent. Now that I'm getting older the one thing I valued was not "needing" a man. My relationship with Jesus suffered from my decision to get into this relationship and I'm thankful that wanting that back was what made me put this man in jail. He was there a month and a half and I've started celebrate recovery, I no longer allow him to babysit me, I'm on antidepressants, my mood is WAY more stable so I've learned to maintain an even self control with him between jesus, medicine, church and reading this forum since July. Today was stressful because he's having cravings and he's very negative so I snapped and called him a name. But we moved into a smaller apartment to save $450 a month on rent today and now that the hurricane is over and the flood water is gone I'm back to work so slowly but surely I'll have the money to leave if he relapses again within 6 months - which is the lease term I just signed for. As long as he's not on the lease and not in the house longer than 60 days he won't be a resident so I won't have to formally evict him so that's my plan. Take the car and just go. He seems to be really trying for the first time so I felt horrible for calling his parole officer But she's an amazing lady and I couldn't do this without her. I'm trying really hard for the first time in my 37 years to learn what boundaries are and get off the crazy train. It's not as hard as I thought it would be it's just brand new. I feel so free. Thank you for caring so much. This is exhausting. But as I'm posting this he just told me it's not my job to buy him cigarettes so he's walking to the store to look for cigarette butts to smoke. Gross. But slowly but surely my changes for ME are working and he's not bullying me...he's NEVER done that before so that makes me feel pretty good, I'm just REALLY REALLY TIRED.
And I just want to say...I was INSAAAANE when he first relapsed while we were together. I spent most of last year truly believing that I needed to be in a psych hospital. I'm telling y'all when he was arrested I was devastated. Even though I was crazy and broken and financially destitute I STILL MISSED HIM!!!! I missed the sober bf. I was so focused on getting that back it made me totally out of my mind. When they leave it hurts so so so bad. But man his arrest was the best thing that happened to me in a long-time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ys,
You have a plan!!!! Yea!!! The good thing is your plan doesn't need to happen tomorrow. You have time to make calculated decisions on your future. I'm glad that you acknowledge the codependency with your mother. You were very strong to cut contact and move on from that unhealthy relationship and you can too with this man.
Once we accept the fact that we can't save our addicts we turn the focus back on to us. Have you ever read the book Codependent no more? You can get it from the library. I think the women wrote the book about me. (Ugh) It is a bible around here for us codies. There is a whole list of recommended books that can help you if you want to do the work they are in the stickies.
Since you have 6 months with your abf you will need coping mechanism. How not to engage him and how to set up boundaries. These are little things to help you survive. Keep reading all the different threads. I save in my email drafts words, sentences, and paragraphs from other posters that hit home. I have a library of stuff. I reread and post other people's words of wisdom. Once you see it so many times, it will slowly click and you will remember how to handle a crazy situation. When we know better, we do better, as education is power!!
Take your time, read, and hit some meeting. Reach out with questions or if you are just having a bad day and you need some encouragement; to just get out of bed, Post. We have members from around the world so this forum is "open" 24 hours. We are always here for you, you are part of the family. There is a lot more activity on the friends & family alcohlism forum so if you don't get a response here, post there. For another perspective, go and read the posts from the addicts side, and see how they struggle, its powerful. In between all the anger you have you do find compassion, but you don't want to enable, fine line. Ugh!!
You got this!! Take your time and it will happen for you. Your life will calm down. You will get out of this mess and you will soar my friend, just be patient.
I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!! Go for a walk, treat yourself to some ice cream. Or as Ellen says " just be kind to someone who is struggling more then you". This is where I find my joy. Hugs!!!!
You have a plan!!!! Yea!!! The good thing is your plan doesn't need to happen tomorrow. You have time to make calculated decisions on your future. I'm glad that you acknowledge the codependency with your mother. You were very strong to cut contact and move on from that unhealthy relationship and you can too with this man.
Once we accept the fact that we can't save our addicts we turn the focus back on to us. Have you ever read the book Codependent no more? You can get it from the library. I think the women wrote the book about me. (Ugh) It is a bible around here for us codies. There is a whole list of recommended books that can help you if you want to do the work they are in the stickies.
Since you have 6 months with your abf you will need coping mechanism. How not to engage him and how to set up boundaries. These are little things to help you survive. Keep reading all the different threads. I save in my email drafts words, sentences, and paragraphs from other posters that hit home. I have a library of stuff. I reread and post other people's words of wisdom. Once you see it so many times, it will slowly click and you will remember how to handle a crazy situation. When we know better, we do better, as education is power!!
Take your time, read, and hit some meeting. Reach out with questions or if you are just having a bad day and you need some encouragement; to just get out of bed, Post. We have members from around the world so this forum is "open" 24 hours. We are always here for you, you are part of the family. There is a lot more activity on the friends & family alcohlism forum so if you don't get a response here, post there. For another perspective, go and read the posts from the addicts side, and see how they struggle, its powerful. In between all the anger you have you do find compassion, but you don't want to enable, fine line. Ugh!!
You got this!! Take your time and it will happen for you. Your life will calm down. You will get out of this mess and you will soar my friend, just be patient.
I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!! Go for a walk, treat yourself to some ice cream. Or as Ellen says " just be kind to someone who is struggling more then you". This is where I find my joy. Hugs!!!!
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