nonnie6

Hi, I am new to this site but i'm not new to my 31 year old son's addiction. I have been trying desperately to help my son for over 10 years now. It started out as dui's, then he wrecked two of my vehicles, then we went into him just up and disappearing for weeks at a time...then 3 years ago he tried some kind of psychedelic drug called auhacausca (not sure of spelling) and tried to drowned himself in a lake in the woods, in the middle of february, in freezing temps. He was in the hospital, in icu for a month...then he went to a mental hospital for about 2 weeks. Since this incident it has been a living hell....he stays sober for about a week and then goes right back into consuming large amounts of alcohol and whatever drug he can get his hands on....it seems. It has spiraled into him attempting suicide 4 times within 6 months. He has been in and out of hospitals (both mental and physical) at least 10 times in 6 months. He hears voices and sees "people" and "things". The Dr.'s that have diagnosed him say it is severe depression and alcohol/drug induced psychosis with recurring psychotic episodes. He refuses to admit that he has ANY problems...not mental, not addiction. He refuses to take his med's and he refuses help for a dr. or psychiatrist. I love my son and he is such a kind wonderful person when he is my son but when he is messed up, i don't know him!! I feel like I haven't seen my son in over 10 years. A month ago tonight my son was arrested for home invasion and 2 counts of aggravated assault. He was in a downward spiral....had been drinking heavily for over 2 weeks...I had begged him to get help, had tried to force him to let me take him somewhere to get help...he refused. On that thursday evening he cut his wrists. He smeared blood all over his house, even wrote words in blood on the walls of his home...then he proceeded to go down his street, totally nude, go into a neighbors home...screaming, lunged at a child and mother that were inside the home, the child and mother locked themselves in a bathroom, the father, who was in the garage, heard the screams of his family, came inside and found my son, naked and trying to get into the bathroom. The father fought my son and finally managed to get him outside, they continued to fight until the police arrived. My son resisted arrest. It was all over fb, in the papers...everywhere! I have 3 other children, all girls...We have all tried everything to help my son and needless to say...we are all devastated beyond words. The pain this has caused us cannot even be verbalized. My son is currently in jail awaiting a trial. He is pressuring me to bail him out. I just can't!!! My gut and my heart tell me NO!! I KNOW that if I do bail him out at this point...it will be a matter of 2 or maybe 3 days until he is right back to isolating himself, drinking, drugging...whatever. I cannot have that on my hands. For years he has told me that he isn't addicted to any drugs other than alcohol but other friends of his tell me otherwise. The police report this last time he was arrested says he was heavily intoxicated and high on meth. He swears he has never taken meth. I, at this point, do not believe him...I think he has been hiding his drug use from his family...I am so confused because drugs are something that I have never had any experience with but his bizarre behaviour leads me to believe that the police report is accurate. I am having such a hard time dealing with this...I feel as if I am frozen inside. I am hurt. I am angry at him...he had a choice!! I am hurt for my girls and their embarrasement and anger towards him. The last time I spoke with him...about a week ago...I told him I was not going to bail him out...that I couldn't trust him not to hurt himself or someone else...he told me if I didn't bail him out he would kill himself in jail. I can't even bring myself to talk to him right now or go see him. The feelings and emotions over this are just overwhelming...maybe it's because i'm exhausted and I feel like...even though he hates being in jail...at least the chances of him hurting himself and or someone else is much smaller. Please give me advice!! I am sorry this was so long...I guess I just needed to vent to someone!! Thank you for any words of advice.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am so very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Of course the police report is correct. They don't just make up meth use, they test for those items. You are also correct in that he will simply do the same things again if you go bail him out. I have listened to many a testimony of people who were never able to get cleaned up until they spent some time in jail. He is safe. He has a bed. He is being fed. He is out of harms way.

I would tell the jail that he has made the threat to harm himself so they will watch him closely. That is just my two cents for what it's worth.

You may want to go to a Celebrate Recovery, Alanon, etc. and get yourself some face to face support. I would also recommend therapy for yourself and your children if needed.

Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone! Gentle hugs!

Mango blast

(((((Hugs)))))

It's a journey. This part of it sucks. I'm so very sorry for the loss of the son you know, love and so very much want to help.

Now is the time to let go and pray. Ask for eyes to see and ears to hear God's presence and guidance. Pray has an energy to it and ripple effects ARE real. Pray constantly, as you walk, as you eat, as you breath, as you collapse on the floor in grief, as you stand, as you rise up and move forward.

As I encountered spiraling devastation in my life, I finally was ready to walk away, make phone calls to turn everything over to others.. police, mental health specialists, etc. ... and then started being open to tending to my recovery from the devastating magnitude of trauma I've suffered without realizing it.

Life doesn't have to suck. It's okay to trust that you've done everything you could for your son and his mental health and drug use is beyond you. It's okay to pause, take time to breath, pray, eat.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Nonnie, I have to agree that the very BEST place for your son is jail. I knew that my son was safe, secure and watched when he was in. I would agree as well that your son is in no way near recovery. He is using drugs to self medicate. It sounds like he may have mental health issues but doesn't want to address them. I have a 27 year old who has struggled for 7 years with drugs and it may all be masking an underlying depression or ADD because when he is in active addiction, he is unrecognizable to me. when he is sober, he also has moments of lows and moments of highs. I am waiting for him to make the move for diagnosis, but for now he just is trying to stay sober for one consecutive year. Please read around here. Alterity is one of our members who has a family member with mental health issues and she has been going through this for over 5 years with her brother. Read and keep sharing. We all understand this feeling as mothers it is hard to detach.
Hugs
TT

nonnie6

I just want to say "thank you" to all that have replied. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but like I said, my heart tells me to step away for now. Today is the first time, since he has been in jail, that he hasn't tried to contact me. I have mixed feelings...I hope he is ok, but I also feel some sort of relief...it is so hard to listen to his pressuring me when he does call and also I don't have to tell him, once again...that I just can't bail him out right now. I think I am in shock...I never dreamed, i'm sure like all of you, that my son would be here...he was such a sweet child and young man. Drugs are horrible and I look around and see the damage they are doing to our young people and it just kills me. I do pray constantly for my son and I will pray for all of you...if not for God, I wouldn't have made it through the last 10 years. Thank you again for responding!! You will never know how much it has helped me. Hugs back to all of you.

Jaeger

Nonnie,
I am so sorry your family is having to experience this. I agree, drugs & addiction are horrible. I don't think people who haven't experienced it with a family member can really understand just how devastating it is to the entire family. Please try to find face to face support. If your community does not have NarAnon, seek out an Al-Anon meeting. The people there DO understand just where you are and the myriad of emotions you are experiencing right now. You are doing what is best for you AND your son by not bailing him out. He will detox and hopefully have a little clearer thinking. Keep reading & posting. You are in the right place.
Hugs,
Jaeger

Ann

Nonnie, God has seen you this far and He will be with you through all of this.

Your son could be my son, who has been addicted to drugs for probably 20 years now, we haven't heard from him for more than 10 years so I am not even sure if he is dead or alive, but I suspect he is lost in his addiction somewhere. He has a pattern of revolving door...addiction/recovery/relapse and overdosed several times before we lost contact, twice at home when he lived with us. I bailed him out of jail once and it was a terrible mistake. He cried and pleaded and promised to do anything we suggested to get clean so I agreed and we had not even made it home when he left my car and headed out to use once more.

Today I find peace and beauty in every day. Each morning I say a prayer and ask God to take care of my son and to do for him what I cannot. then I live in faith that God has him covered.

You absolutely did the right thing to leave him in jail. I don't know if your son lives at home or not but if he does you may want to think about asking him to leave. When I asked my son to leave I gave him a list of phone numbers for detox, and a meeting list for AA and NA, and a contact at the Salvation Army who has shelters in the city as well as rehabs that are free, long term and quite good programs. That left him with the choice to seek help or to continue the journey with addiction...but it was HIS choice and not mine to make.

I just want to add that your son sounds more dangerous than my son was and I don't want my suggestions to put you or your family in danger. You may need help by the police to get him to leave and you may want to take a restraining order out to prevent him from coming to your home, if coming to your home would be a threat.

What helped me find my balance most was my meetings. CoDA, Al-anon, Nar-anon are three similar fellowships. There are family groups and Christian groups as well. Maybe seek out something that will help you.

Just remember you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this...we call that the 3 C's. None of this or anything he does is your fault.

In the end, he will choose a better path or self-destruct on the one he is on. Nothing you say or do will influence his decision.

I will keep you and your family and your son in my prayers. It's a dreadful heart breaker to be a parent of an addict, and my heart hurts for you.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.

atalose

The only advice I see giving is in doing what you are doing now, leave him in jail and detach from him and his phone calls right now. Focus on your other kids and their needs in dealing with this difficult situation. Maybe seek some counseling together so that all of you can begin to heal from the devastation of addiction and mental illness. Become a unified unit together and really listen to THEIR needs right now.

Jail is the safest place your son could be. He will detox with medical supervision, get evaluated by professionals and they will make recommendations to the court.

You don’t mention it but if he has resided with you, now is the time to obtain a restraining order, based on his recent behaviors and untrusting of his near future behaviors should he be released from jail, you need to protect yourself and your other children and home.

It's not uncaring or unloving…………it’s tuff love

nonnie6

Thank you all for the advice. My son did not live with me but since being incarcerated he has lost his home so when he does get out of jail he will have no where to live. Me and my husband have already made the decision that he cannot live in our home...it is just too much...I have tried letting him live here several times and it is horrible. I love my son very much and always thought I would never feel like this. I have done absolutely EVERYTHING to try to help him but I have finally learned that "you cannot help someone that doesn't want help." As you all must know...it is heartbreaking to walk away but I am at my own breaking point and I just can't deal with this or him right now. It has taken a huge toll on my family. Thank you all for your continued prayers for me and mine. I have never known this kind of heart break. Much love to you all.

Ann

Good decision, Nonnie. "We" are not the solution to their problems. The real help is there for them when they reach out for it...detox, meetings, free rehab with the Salvation Army, government run day programs...this is the real help.

Keeping you all in my prayers. It sounds like you all are making good decisions.

Hugs

OpheliaKatz

Dear Nonnie. The safest place for your son to be right now is jail. He will get the help he needs there. He will be watched. He will be put on medicines if necessary. Your son reminds me of my AH. When we separated, I hoped that the police would charge him with and jail him or at least take him to a hospital for a long, long stay. They did neither of those things and tragic consequences ensued. I agree with atalose, you need to get a restraining order for protection. Just going by what happened that got him into jail in the first place, he is not safe to himself or others. Meth is dangerous. If he's not taking meth, I can almost bet that it's any of a variety of synthetic drugs, which have analogous effects (some of them heat the body so much that the user removes their clothes). I hope that my prayers find you and your son safe.

nonnie6

Hi everybody and thanks again for all of your advice and support. I answered a phone call today that I wasn't familiar with and it was my son. He said that he has been working out, the voices are gone, that he has been to see a dentist and that he is feeling much better. He also apologized to me for all the things that he has put us through for the past 10 years. He also said that if I would bail him out...by selling his truck for him...that he wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol. He still denies using any kind of drug...this past episode. He also went on to say that he wanted to get out and find an attorney for his case because he says he had no intention of hurting anyone...just wanted help from them. I know he is my child...but the stories are very conflicting and I do not believe that he wasn't doing some kind of drugs along with the alcohol. He went on to say that being in jail had changed him this time and that he wanted a life and possibly a family. (all things he knows I want to hear) I told him that I was scared to get him out...that we had been over this before...and that I would have to give this some deep thought. Is he playing me again? He was so soft spoken and kind...sounded like "my son" instead of the person he becomes while high. I want him to do well in this life...he is handsome, smart, kind...but I feel that until he admits he has some major problems...getting him out of jail will be a mistake, and also...I'm not sure enough time has passed for him to be totally clean?? I need help please!!

Ilovemysonjj

Nonnie, if you are in the US, he is entitled to a public defender. He has resources. Stay put in your gut feeling. He is trying to manipulate you. Stay strong.

nonnie6

yes. he has a public defender.

tomsteve

this is the drunk me that went to jail a couple times for DD:
by bailing me out, people didnt allow me to face the consequences of my actions- they enabled me to continue the same behavior that got me in jail.

just my opinion, but if someones 1st priority after getting out of jail is to find an atty-NOT getting help for addiction/alcoholism-
theyre playing whoever is on the other end of the phone.

nonnie6

Wow!! I can't thank you enough!!! Tomsteve.

Ann

Thank you Tomsteve for telling it like it is.

Nonnie, under their addictions your son and mine are sweet, kind, loving sons. That said, they know how to use that and push the "maternal instinct" button.

As I said in a previous post here, my son sounded much like yours and promised (with tears) to do "anything" we wanted him to do...if only...if only we would bail him out. He didn't even make it home before he jumped out of the car to go use.

Letting them experience the consequences for their actions is probably the smartest thing anyone can do.

hopeful4

Sending lots of hugs, this must be very hard.

nonnie6

I came home from work yesterday evening and my son was here, I friend of his had bailed him out. Even though it was so great to see him, I started to feel myself panic. He seems so much better mentally but does look bad physically... he says he never wants anything to do with drugs or alcohol again. It's been 6 weeks tonight since he was arrested and i'm just really scared that there hasn't been enough time....Me and my husband agreed to let him stay with us as long as he stays sober, but we told him the second we found out he was using any kind of drug...He would have to leave. I hope i'm doing the right thing??

Ann

Nonnie, good luck to you and to all of your family, I really do hope that this was a wake up call for your son.

My son came home many times and it ended badly each stay. I pray it will be different with your son, that he finds a good path and can stay on it.

We're here for you no matter how this unfolds.