Meraviglioso

I thought about just lying and not telling anyone, but I can't do that.
I was feeling SO GOOD and SO STRONG and two days ago I just drank and down it all went.
It happened like this. I have a little project I am doing, it has actually become quite successful in just a short time. I make live videos of myself cooking in my tiny italian kitchen. It started so randomly, a lot of people asked me about a stuffed squid dish I made so I made a video showing people how to prepare it and people loved it. Strangers were watching! So I have made these videos and I get something like 5.000 views each time. I have prepared 2 or 3 things that have used alcohol in them and I always say on the video "I don't drink alcohol but sometimes I use it to cook for recipes that call for it, if you are concerned about alcohol in your food you can leave it out" I want to recognise the alcoholics like me out there. Cooking with wine has never been an issue for me and is something that I rarely use. But two days ago, I was making traditional ragu and I put in the cup of wine. After this little show I had the bottle there and I just picked it up and took a sip. One sip.
And there you have it. All downhill from there. All it took was one sip and I was back at it full force. I drank the rest of the bottle, then I opened another bottle that I have had here in my house for months, someone brought it for a dinner and we didn't drink it and I had it put away for the next dinner, but I drank it all 2 days ago.
Yesterday I woke up and the call was just as strong and so I found a bottle of cooking brandy that I used like 2 tablespoons of for a dessert. I drank all of that yesterday. It is now 9:22 am and I have found a bottle of rum and have already had a few sips of that.
I considered slitting my wrists. I had a note written that I would put up high on my front door where the kids couldn't read it, only a tall adult, saying the door was unlocked, to not enter, but to call the police, I didn't want my kids or anyone who cares about me to see me. I organised the very few items of value I own, I want the earrings that were given to me by my mother in law upon the birth of my sons to go to their brides when they marry. If they are homosexual then I want them to keep the jewellery themselves as a reminder of me.
But I decided not to do that, my older son ******** would never recover. He loves me so much and I am such a good mother to both of them. I think my younger son doesn't love me so much but it still would not be a good idea for him if I were not here. I do everything I can for him. I love him so much even if he doesn't love me.

Meraviglioso

I would have had 6 months sober on the 24th of this month. What a waste.

Gabe1980

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself and find someone to talk to. There will be phone line numbers where you are for organisations that can help you with these feelings like the Samaritans or a crisis counselling line.
All isn't lost, you were doing really well and you will again. It sounds like you have loads going on for you, kids you adore and a passion for cooking.
Unfortunately, the nature of this beast is it trips us up sometimes and sometimes we slide back. You can start over with the support of everyone here and pick up where you were. Believe you can! Love and support to you.

site1Q84

But you came right back here! Owning up to it is never easy, but it's worth it in the long run. None of us are perfect but we all deserve a second chance.
I mean, I'm on my 3rd try, but I learn something every time!

Pour the rest of that bottle out and come up with a new plan - it will be worth it!

Gabe1980

Also...you haven't wasted the last six months. They give you the perfect Foundation and knowledge to move forward from 😊

Meraviglioso

Thank you Gabe, I am really low and I am such a needy person, I need to hear nice things like that.

Gabe1980

No problem, check in as much as you need to. I'm only in my first few weeks so six months seems like a tremendous achievement. Plus, I think we are all a bit needy, it's part of the deal. I certainly am!
Working but will check this thread later. I'm sure everyone else will give you great advice

Meraviglioso

It is awful, isn't it? I think only those who suffer from this disease can understand. I feel like I need someone here with me now, but I don't have anyone to call, no one understands like you all do. They just think "oh you had a bit too much, pick yourself up, no big deal" But it IS a big deal. I WANT TO DIE.

Gabe1980

Find a helpline to call. They will understand and you won't have to even give your name. It's better than sitting with these feelings. Human contact.

Meraviglioso

I don't know where to find that. I just want someone, anyone to come here and help me. I am so afraid.

site1Q84

Try:
1-877-240-6929 or 1-800-273 TALK (8255)

Have you gone to any meetings? If you have any numbers from AA or other meetings you should give them a call!

site1Q84

Oh I see you're in Italy - here's the italian one: 800860022

Meraviglioso

k, I will try that number. thank you.

Dee74

Please do not so anything to hurt yourself Mera - there are international numbers in this link, and good reading.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

It may not be face to face but you're not alone.

I know the despair but you made a mistake - a mistake that I'd wager 98% of all of us have made at one time or another.

A mistake versus a life is no contest.

You can rebuild from this, regain your recovery, and you can start recovery 2.0 right now new and improved.

Dump the booze - you're a non drinker now, you don't need it.

D

site1Q84

And of course we're online and here for you! There is a chat feature on this site too that can be helpful - it's down in the bottom right hand corner

Meraviglioso

thanks for the number, I will call now.

Meraviglioso

they hung up on me!!!!!

Dee74

I don't know how numbers like that work over there Mera.
There will be constant support here anyway - you're not alone.

You will get through this and out the other side,

D

Meraviglioso

i called again and someone answered. My friend karen is coming now

Dee74

I'm glad you won't be alone Mera

D