SaveHer

I just found out that my AXBF's mother let him visit our daughter this morning. I almost had a panic attack. Now I know why she was asking if she could be the one to supervise his visits with our daughter. And now I know that she cannot be trusted.

AXBF was brazen enough to post a picture of himself and our daughter in social media. I say brazen because I have my suspicions that he did it intentionally, knowing full well that it would get back to me. I think this is a power play. It's all about manipulation and control.

Here is the thing: our custody order only allows for supervised visitation with a PROFESSIONAL supervisor. I filed the paperwork to turn our custody agreement into a court order four weeks ago. I have not yet received a final copy of the court order, so he hasn't yet been served. However, he was present in court when the judge made it a court order.

At this point, I'm not sure if the custody order is effective or not. If it's not, then I believe my daughter is still a protected party under the domestic violence restraining order I was granted for a full year, and he has just violated a restraining order.

I know you're not lawyers, but maybe someone has been in a similar situation. What do I do?

1. Obviously, I need to make other arrangements for child care immediately. Do I tell her she can't see her granddaughter anymore? I mean, we're talking about a MAJOR violation of trust--and the law! He just got out of the hospital for having insane hallucinations and seizures from alcohol withdrawal only five days ago!!!

2. Second, do I call the police or a lawyer or both? I want him to face the full force of the law for what he's done. He cannot get away with this.

Ariesagain

Call the police and ask. At least then it will be recorded somewhere. Get the full name of the officer you speak with.

Second, call your lawyer first thing tomorrow, yes?

Also, get a screen grab of that photo showing date and time.

He violated the restraining order and she helped him do it.

No, just no.

I hope you can find alternative care arrangements ASAP, because she's off the list.

I'm sorry. What a mess! I know she's just in massive denial but there's no excuse for this.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. I'm just trying to think like a lawyer here, as I have no experience with RO's. I'm hoping others will weigh in but since it's late in the U.S. I did want you to get at least one response.

dandylion

SaveHer....How about waiting until you have had a conversation with your lawyer, before doing anything decisive?
Telling her grandmother that she can never see her again, seems a very strong action, to my way of thinking. ( I am assuming that her grandmother is good to her, and not abusive)....
I think that kids are blessed if they grow up knowing their grandparents....
I don't know where I would be, in this life, if it wasn't for my grandmother....(I did not have a biologic father).....

SaveHer

I just called the police department's non-emergency line. The officer told me I would have to file a police report and wait to see if the district attorney decides to open a case against him or not. (And, by the way, his mother could potentially be prosecuted for violating the restraining order as well.) Then, we would eventually have a court date, which would obviously require time and money.

I always considered violating a restraining order a serious offense, one that would mean immediate arrest. But no. Of course it doesn't. It just means more hassle for me, the "protected party."

I will call a lawyer in the morning.

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry this happened. For many reasons. What a sucky situation.

I've had a meddling mother in law who thought she knew best, she didn't. I know how upsetting, infuriating and disappointing it can be.

As important as grandparents can be, and as much as she does love your daughter, that does NOT give her the right to go against your wishes or BREAK THE LAW because it's what she thinks is best for HER "baby". I don't doubt she has the best of intentions but that is IRRELEVANT!!!

She may be a loving grandmother, but she is a raging, codependent, enabler who thinks she knows what is best for everyone else and she isn't going to change that behavior any time soon. She can not be trusted.

I concur, document, document, document! Screenshots, print outs, times dates, type out the converstation you had with her and mention how she had already at that point been in violation! ( While it's sill fresh in your mind)

Of course this isn't my decision to make but if it was, I'd be finding different child care and Grandma would only be seeing her grandchild when her son gets his otherwise supervised visitation.

Actions, all actions, have consequences. She broke the rules, not only yours but the court order. She deserves to face some damn consequences.

Mango blast

Pray. Ask for eyes to see and ears to hear. Then take whatever action you feel impelled to do, deep in your gut. Is it to call the police department again? With creating a ruckus, or perhaps with a quiet determination to pursue this until you start getting results that will protect your daughter? Will it be, wait... Go play with your daughter, have fun. Then suddenly that gut feeling changes and THAT moment is the one to take action... when the right person will be available to help you. Pray, trust that this is beyond you and there is a universal force watching out for you. Look at this horrible incident as a gift in bringing about quickly something that was going to happen. Trust that you'll know what to do in the right time to do it. As you connect with that knowing inside you, trust that. Let your brain rest. This isn't something for it to figure out or force ideas.

You're asking great questions and doing great things. Trust in this. Open your heart to your daughter and surround her with love. Mom, you're special. So is she.

Sasha1972

Here are my thoughts:

1. Screenshot.
2. When you feel calm and composed, send the mother a note saying that Crazy Ex is subject to a restraining order which prevents him from being in the presence of daughter. Add that a judge has signed a court order requiring professional supervision for visits and that Crazy Ex was present for the signing. Add that you understand that Crazy Ex visited Kid without professional supervision yesterday, and you are concerned because this contravenes existing orders. Conclude that you do not support any action which contravenes these orders. Write as though there's a possibility that Mom didn't know about the orders and so you're just informing her politely. This establishes that you never consented to Mom bringing Overgrown Baby Son to visit Kid, and leaves a document trail.
3. Call lawyer ASAP.
4. Find other child care arrangements. If Mom knew that Overgrown Baby Crazy Son was prohibited from seeing his daughter without supervision and she did it anyway, then no, she can't be trusted at all. You don't need to get into discussing this with her - she owns this problem, and it's up to her to figure out how to regain your trust.

I'm really sorry this happened, and I can just imagine the panic rush of adrenaline. It sounds like you are keeping yourself (comparatively) calm. You may feel like you're freaking out, but it's clear that you're thinking rationally about the situation and considering options.

Again, I'm really sorry. What a mess!

(And I apologize if I'm erring too far on the side of giving advice. I am not a lawyer and could be completely wrong. These are just my first reactions).

SaveHer

I spoke with a lawyer who confirmed what the police officer told me last night: the district attorney's office is so short-staffed and inundated with other "more important" cases that AXBF will probably never be arrested or prosecuted. The "justice" system, folks.

I still need to file the police report in order to document the incident. The lawyer told me I could be perceived as negligent if I don't. She also told me I may need it as evidence in the future in case he tries to renegotiate the custody order or if his mother tries to fight for her rights as a grandparent. As far as I'm concerned, she lost those for what she did: thinking of her reckless, menacing alcoholic son's best interest instead of her innocent baby granddaughter's.

After learning that there was virtually nothing I could do that would be worth the time and effort, the lawyer could tell I was frustrated. She assured me that I had the best possible custody arrangement and that it sounded like I had done everything I could to protect my daughter. That made me feel a little better. Just a little.

As it turns out, the only people AXBF's mother hurt in all of this were me and her. Now she can't see her granddaughter three days a week, and I don't have free child care.

Meanwhile, what happens to AXBF? The one causing all the trouble? The one I'm supposed to be "protected" from by the dvro? Apparently nothing.

Mango blast

I'm sorry for the injustice of all this. Go beyond it... reach deeper inside yourself.

This sucks. I. Get. It. Hell is full of people who take on roles that "look" like they want to help and it HURTS dealing with all of them.

Cry, grieve, get mad... whatever emotions come let them flow. And still, go beyond. You have more strength inside than you realize. I've been there. Tomorrow is a new day... until then, breathe, get something to eat and do whatever helps to get through this day.

(((((Hugs)))))

Mango blast

Pray. Ask for a babysitter who will treat your daughter with love and respect.

I've been through many things that were painful beyond what I thought I could deal with.... and it's only with distance and looking back that I see now what seemed like terrible things propelled me into much better places.

Prayer is an energy that focuses myself in the direction I want to be, instead held in a whirlwind of crap that I'm sick of.

Prayer doesn't require that you believe in it, just that you do it with your heart... being angry, mad or joyous can help! Get pissed at the Universe and challenge it to show up for you and your daughter!

Mango blast

SaveHer, what would you ideally want for your daughter INSTEAD of a grandmother who puts the abuser first? Is it someone who truly cares? Is it someone who treats her with kindness and resect? I've been through this, not long ago, and I'm not sure how I made it through to the other side, but it IS possible. Take it one day at a time.

Sasha1972

I feel your pain with respect to the justice system. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, minus the mother-in-law, and have also been told by police, child protection service workers and lawyers that while I believe my situation is really bad, compared to what these people deal with routinely (ongoing physical abuse, really horrific neglect, sexual assaults), my daughter is not a high priority, because she's got a safe home with me. In a really unfair way, the better a job you do at keeping your child safe, the less likely it is that the authorities will intervene with the alcoholic ex, because there are so many kids out there who don't have anyone who can keep them safe.

The manager of the local child protection unit (which opened and closed an investigation into my ex driving drunk) told me, in writing, that the reason they closed the file on drunk ex is because they were satisfied that I was "extremely competent and willing" to take on the responsibility of ascertaining whether Kid was in danger from her father and reacting appropriately.

I get that they have a huge caseload so they have to prioritize those situations where there is no responsible adult on scene but it's still enormously frustrating to realize there are no consequences for crappy behavior.

However, with time the frustration passes and I'm able to let the strong emotions go. My anger isn't going to change anything about ex. I just have to do the best I can in the situation that I've got.

hopeful4

So awful. What is the point of getting an order if they don't enforce it.

Sending hugs and prayers friend!

SaveHer

I filed the police report. We'll see what happens if anything, but I'm not holding my breath.

When I confronted AXBF's mother about the incident, she said "I made a poor decision and I apologize. I promise it will never happen again." I told her, "You didn't just make a poor decision. You violated a restraining order. And you promised me when I first got the restraining order two months ago that you wouldn't let this happen." I saw a call for "the worst enablers" on Dr. Phil today. If I felt like airing my family's dirty laundry on national TV, I'd sign her up in a heartbeat.

Anyway, I'm learning how to find gratitude despite being put through the ringer for the past six months.

1. I'm grateful for the way all of this drama has forced me to become a stronger, healthier person. I still have a ways to go, but I can already see how far I've come. For example, when I contacted AXBF's mother, I didn't JADE: justify, argue, defend, or explain. I just told her she couldn't babysit my daughter anymore, and I figure she can ask me if she wants more information. It's not my job to justify or explain my decisions to someone who so blatantly and maliciously deceived me.
2. I'm also grateful for the fact that I don't have to hear her "daily report" about AXBF's idiotic behavior anymore. Many of you pointed out how toxic this dynamic was in our relationship, and now poof, it's gone.
3. I'm especially grateful that I now have the beginnings of a paper trail if AXBF ever tries to take me back to court for more custody. And I also have proof that he violated the dvro, which will help me to extend it once the year is up.

I'm here to say, there is ALWAYS a silver lining no matter how dire the situation. You just have to be patient and look carefully for it.

And by the way, I am also grateful for all of your ESH.

Ariesagain

Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong, smart woman as her advocate and role model.

Sending you admiration and a hug.

Mango blast

You're doing great and your strength is showing!!

Words have power. For every thread posted when dealing with chaos, post a thread or two of strength, hope, humor, etc. It started showing up for me in new changes in my life.

hopeful4

You are doing great! Sending you lots of hugs! Keep on protecting yourself and your child, that is what matters!

Sasha1972

I am really impressed by your gratitude list. It sounds like you have done everything right. Moving ahead with purpose, strength and clarity ...

SaveHer

Some new developments...

The officer who took the police report called me to let me know she contacted AXBF and his mother. She was very surprised that they both confessed although they claim it wasn't premeditated. Insert dramatic eye roll here. It will be interesting to see if the DA decides to prosecute. I mean, there is a photograph and two confessions, for pete's sake...

AXBF's mother finally contacted me today for the first time after the incident. She said she loves us and misses us. I asked her if she wanted to visit next week, and she seemed shocked (and grateful) that I would even ask. Did I do the right thing? I haven't completely forgiven her yet, but I'm not red hot angry about it either. I figure it's better for my daughter to sustain the relationship with her grandma than for me to punish her or hold a grudge. Should I even bother having a conversation with her about what happened, i.e. let her know how disappointed I am, how she broke my trust, etc? Seems pointless.

I don't know. I want to make strong, healthy decisions, but I still don't 100% trust myself to make those kinds of decisions, you know, having been in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship for almost a decade.

SmallButMighty

I think you are a very strong mama bear trying to do what is very best for your daughter while keeping her safe. That isn't always the easiest thing to do. Kudos for that!

I imagine your MIL has a long way to go to ever gain back your trust, but if in the mean time you let her foster a relationship with her daughter, that is probably the best for everyone. A child can not have too much positive, loving attention. I just hope that Grandma doesn't see it as a means to an end though. Only you can make that judgement. I am sure you are going into this with both eyes wide open and spidey senses on full alert.

I think you are a stronger woman than me, I'd still be seething at her. Good on you for trying to cool down to a low simmer so that your daughter has the benefit of her grandmother. Especially in the absence of her father.

*hug*