Alcholic Ex cut me out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
Alcholic Ex cut me out
Hey everyone,
I recently found out my recent ex Bf is an alcholic. I knew he had issues with drinking but it wasn't until I sat down and told my therapist, a psychiatrist and friend who runs AA, did they tell me he has a serious issue! I guess I always covered or use the excuse he was 28, but I just found out that it was a serious problem.
We started having issues in the end about his drinking, he would get very mean and disrespect started name calling. There was this music festival coming up, and I told him I was uncomfortable going with him because he had been drinking a lot and has been getting really mean when he drinks.
He told me if I tried to have fun, it would be fine. He took 2 extra days off work to go and he would be hammered drunk for 4 straight days.
We went and as expected he was very drunk and got very mean and we got into a huge fight. He even left me in the middle of the festival by myself.
We worked it out and the next day I told him I needed a break. I told him he is too mean when he drinks. I told him pick me or the drinking. He said he did not want the break or to break up, but agreed I needed a break.
4 days into the break he breaks up with me via Facebook, I call him frantically. We have an 8 min conversation where he tells me I'm controlling, he loves me but doesn't want me and we would meet later to talk. The last thing he said to me was "we'll talk tonight I have to go now, work is the only thing I have left now"
He rejected my call and we never spoke again.
I have called, sent a mancrate as an I'm sorry gift, a birthday card, a video letter with snacks, talked to his family... I've borderline crossed the line but have gotten no response.
When I told my story and the details of his drinking until that point, it's clear he has a huge problem with alcohol.
Did he choose it over me? Is he mad because I threatened his drinking?
We were together 2 years, he was so sweet sober, planned on kids, marriage, he never wanted to be away from me...(unless he was drinking)
I do not understand why he is so cold? How can he cut me out?
Will I ever hear from him again?
Did he choose it over me?
I recently found out my recent ex Bf is an alcholic. I knew he had issues with drinking but it wasn't until I sat down and told my therapist, a psychiatrist and friend who runs AA, did they tell me he has a serious issue! I guess I always covered or use the excuse he was 28, but I just found out that it was a serious problem.
We started having issues in the end about his drinking, he would get very mean and disrespect started name calling. There was this music festival coming up, and I told him I was uncomfortable going with him because he had been drinking a lot and has been getting really mean when he drinks.
He told me if I tried to have fun, it would be fine. He took 2 extra days off work to go and he would be hammered drunk for 4 straight days.
We went and as expected he was very drunk and got very mean and we got into a huge fight. He even left me in the middle of the festival by myself.
We worked it out and the next day I told him I needed a break. I told him he is too mean when he drinks. I told him pick me or the drinking. He said he did not want the break or to break up, but agreed I needed a break.
4 days into the break he breaks up with me via Facebook, I call him frantically. We have an 8 min conversation where he tells me I'm controlling, he loves me but doesn't want me and we would meet later to talk. The last thing he said to me was "we'll talk tonight I have to go now, work is the only thing I have left now"
He rejected my call and we never spoke again.
I have called, sent a mancrate as an I'm sorry gift, a birthday card, a video letter with snacks, talked to his family... I've borderline crossed the line but have gotten no response.
When I told my story and the details of his drinking until that point, it's clear he has a huge problem with alcohol.
Did he choose it over me? Is he mad because I threatened his drinking?
We were together 2 years, he was so sweet sober, planned on kids, marriage, he never wanted to be away from me...(unless he was drinking)
I do not understand why he is so cold? How can he cut me out?
Will I ever hear from him again?
Did he choose it over me?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You were in second place from the start.
I hope you'll spend some time here and read some of the zillion threads that will sound so familiar to you.
It hurts so much...but the guy is doing you a favor. Life with him was only going to get uglier as the booze sank its teeth in.
It wasn't anything you did, said, or are...it's his alcoholism. Until he decides...on his own...that he doesn't want to spend his life this way, there's nothing anyone can do or say.
Walk away and get on with your own best life, yes?
Sending you a hug.
I hope you'll spend some time here and read some of the zillion threads that will sound so familiar to you.
It hurts so much...but the guy is doing you a favor. Life with him was only going to get uglier as the booze sank its teeth in.
It wasn't anything you did, said, or are...it's his alcoholism. Until he decides...on his own...that he doesn't want to spend his life this way, there's nothing anyone can do or say.
Walk away and get on with your own best life, yes?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t mean this in a mean way……….maybe you need to talk to your therapist and that psychiatrist about why you……..
To someone who is mean and disrespectful to you. Someone you needed to take a break from and someone who clearly ended the relationship. Drinking or not, his actions are speaking volumes to you but you are not hearing it.
You fell for someone who is an alcoholic. He was drinking when he met you, he remained drinking while dating you and ended the relationship because YES he stuck with what he had long before you came a long……….the booze.
A higher power removes a person in your life for your protection. Think about that before you go running after them.
I have called, sent a mancrate as an I'm sorry gift, a birthday card, a video letter with snacks, talked to his family... I've borderline crossed the line but have gotten no response.
You fell for someone who is an alcoholic. He was drinking when he met you, he remained drinking while dating you and ended the relationship because YES he stuck with what he had long before you came a long……….the booze.
A higher power removes a person in your life for your protection. Think about that before you go running after them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Emma.
Welcome.
Sorry for what. Brings you here, but glad you found us.
I think your experience is pretty common round here.
People who have problems with alcohol don't care for it much when those who love them start pushing back about the drinking.
So they leave.
Much easier for them, but very, very hard on their partners.
It hurts now, but ypu have been given a great gift.
Life without an addict in it.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
Sorry for what. Brings you here, but glad you found us.
I think your experience is pretty common round here.
People who have problems with alcohol don't care for it much when those who love them start pushing back about the drinking.
So they leave.
Much easier for them, but very, very hard on their partners.
It hurts now, but ypu have been given a great gift.
Life without an addict in it.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
drinking aside, for some people the easiest way to break up is to go NO contact and just move on.
what concerns me is your almost panicked obsession now. chasing after him, sending gifts and such, is not going to get you what you want. in fact it further assures him he made the right choice.
sometimes things in life ARE hard to accept, but it is in our best interest to not fight so hard against reality, and to let those who no longer wish to be front and center in our lives move on.
what concerns me is your almost panicked obsession now. chasing after him, sending gifts and such, is not going to get you what you want. in fact it further assures him he made the right choice.
sometimes things in life ARE hard to accept, but it is in our best interest to not fight so hard against reality, and to let those who no longer wish to be front and center in our lives move on.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EmmyR.....I think we all can understand the pain that you are feeling....because, ending a relationship hurts terribly...even if it was really bad for us!
to answer your questions....Yes, he did choose t he alcohol over you. And, the reason I can say that is that, is that, someone who is controlled by drink will always put it before anything that comes between them and the drink. And, they will lose all the things that are important, eventually....
Will you ever hear from him,again? I don't know. It would be best if you don't.
He can only bring you torment and unhappiness. If you do hear from him...it is best if you don't respond and get sucked back into this foray, again...
Why is he so cold? Because , to an alcoholic, any person who comes between them and the ability to drink, comfortably, is viewed as the enemy.
And, he is probably angry that you didn't take his crap...and, wanted some space....
You should be having the best years of your life. The worst thing you could do is to marry someone who you know has serious issues and make them the father of your children. Any pain that you feel now, would be multiplied. many times, over.
These should be the best years of your life.....be careful not to throw them away for someone who doesn't have their **** together.
I am going to give you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on their loved ones.....I hope you will take the time to look them over, and, read the ones that appeal to you......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
to answer your questions....Yes, he did choose t he alcohol over you. And, the reason I can say that is that, is that, someone who is controlled by drink will always put it before anything that comes between them and the drink. And, they will lose all the things that are important, eventually....
Will you ever hear from him,again? I don't know. It would be best if you don't.
He can only bring you torment and unhappiness. If you do hear from him...it is best if you don't respond and get sucked back into this foray, again...
Why is he so cold? Because , to an alcoholic, any person who comes between them and the ability to drink, comfortably, is viewed as the enemy.
And, he is probably angry that you didn't take his crap...and, wanted some space....
You should be having the best years of your life. The worst thing you could do is to marry someone who you know has serious issues and make them the father of your children. Any pain that you feel now, would be multiplied. many times, over.
These should be the best years of your life.....be careful not to throw them away for someone who doesn't have their **** together.
I am going to give you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on their loved ones.....I hope you will take the time to look them over, and, read the ones that appeal to you......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Emmy and I'm also so very very sorry you are here.
I second what the others have said in regards to being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Please take care of yourself. What you are going through is beyond excruciating. Circle every wagon of support you can. This is tough stuff.
I second what the others have said in regards to being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Please take care of yourself. What you are going through is beyond excruciating. Circle every wagon of support you can. This is tough stuff.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
E.
Welcome and glad you are seeking support for yourself. I hope that you aren't looking for suggestions from us to "win" him back. You never had him in the first place. An addict loves one thing and will step over a dead body to get it. It is very hard to comprehend it, but in time you will understand.
They are addicts and addicts are not in a right frame of mind. So expecting to understand them is just not possible. As said above, he has gifted you this time to figure out what you want in life. Alcoholism is progressive and it Will get worse, never better unless they get into recovery.
He is telling you who he is, beleive him. It is not your job to fix this man. It is not your job to tell him that you are right and he is wrong. We all need to find that out on our own time. Seek support around this forum, at alanon meetings or a therapist. Sometimes things in life are out of control and I would say this is one of them. Hugs my friend, stick around, you will learn a ton!!
Welcome and glad you are seeking support for yourself. I hope that you aren't looking for suggestions from us to "win" him back. You never had him in the first place. An addict loves one thing and will step over a dead body to get it. It is very hard to comprehend it, but in time you will understand.
They are addicts and addicts are not in a right frame of mind. So expecting to understand them is just not possible. As said above, he has gifted you this time to figure out what you want in life. Alcoholism is progressive and it Will get worse, never better unless they get into recovery.
He is telling you who he is, beleive him. It is not your job to fix this man. It is not your job to tell him that you are right and he is wrong. We all need to find that out on our own time. Seek support around this forum, at alanon meetings or a therapist. Sometimes things in life are out of control and I would say this is one of them. Hugs my friend, stick around, you will learn a ton!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Lots of great thoughts for you here, Emmy, and I especially want to echo the suggestions to read around the forum and especially to read the stickies. It sounds like you are completely clueless about alcoholism as well as codependence, and educating yourself about these things will be an important first step in understanding what just happened as well as in making sure it never happens again.
And I'd like to add this little tidbit of wisdom that I learned here on SR: Never make anyone a priority who makes you an option.
He surely made you an option, so there is no reason to make him a priority!
And I'd like to add this little tidbit of wisdom that I learned here on SR: Never make anyone a priority who makes you an option.
He surely made you an option, so there is no reason to make him a priority!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I dated a man once (back in the stone age), with whom I had that "go away"/"don't go" sort of relationship. He was not an alcoholic, just a rather sick and controlling sort of man.
I felt that same panicky feeling that you are experiencing now wanting to reach out in any way I could when he was "angry" and giving me the silent treatment.
Thing is...he wanted me to feel that. He wanted me to be grateful for any crumb of attention he gave me so that I wouldn't question any of his other behaviors. It was his way of keeping me "compliant". I am very grateful I figured this out and left him in my rear view mirror.
Your alcoholic bf is doing the same with you. As long as you don't question his alcoholic drinking, all will be well. Even then, just to keep you off kilter, he may create drama for which you feel responsible and for which you feel you need to apologize. It doesn't seem to me that you have done anything wrong except to recognize unacceptable behavior and not want to be around it.
You are worth so much better treatment!
I felt that same panicky feeling that you are experiencing now wanting to reach out in any way I could when he was "angry" and giving me the silent treatment.
Thing is...he wanted me to feel that. He wanted me to be grateful for any crumb of attention he gave me so that I wouldn't question any of his other behaviors. It was his way of keeping me "compliant". I am very grateful I figured this out and left him in my rear view mirror.
Your alcoholic bf is doing the same with you. As long as you don't question his alcoholic drinking, all will be well. Even then, just to keep you off kilter, he may create drama for which you feel responsible and for which you feel you need to apologize. It doesn't seem to me that you have done anything wrong except to recognize unacceptable behavior and not want to be around it.
You are worth so much better treatment!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
So much good advice above- I hope you hear us.
The very best thing - a gift- he ever gave you is ending thing. I know it hurts and may not seem like it and from horrible personal experience I know exactly what it is like to try to "keep" this kind of person - but I promise you that focusing on you and working on yourself as you move forward and time passes is the best solution for you.
Take care.
The very best thing - a gift- he ever gave you is ending thing. I know it hurts and may not seem like it and from horrible personal experience I know exactly what it is like to try to "keep" this kind of person - but I promise you that focusing on you and working on yourself as you move forward and time passes is the best solution for you.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Emmy - I am sorry you are feeling badly BUT I think it is wonderful you found yourself here. I agree with the previous posts that he is doing you a favor by cutting you out, I PROMISE!
Please be good to yourself and turn your energy towards doing things for you, not wasting time and energy on someone who (most likely/definitely) doesn't deserve it.
Talk to your therapist about why you would work so hard to repair a relationship with someone that treats themselves so poorly as well as you. Perhaps ask about co-dependency and boundaries.
Many of us here, myself included, wasted YEARS....move on with your life and starting loving yourself FIRST and find someone who is worthy of your love second.
Best of luck!
Please be good to yourself and turn your energy towards doing things for you, not wasting time and energy on someone who (most likely/definitely) doesn't deserve it.
Talk to your therapist about why you would work so hard to repair a relationship with someone that treats themselves so poorly as well as you. Perhaps ask about co-dependency and boundaries.
Many of us here, myself included, wasted YEARS....move on with your life and starting loving yourself FIRST and find someone who is worthy of your love second.
Best of luck!
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