batchel9

So my STBXAH took it upon himself to find a different addiction counselor. (Great move for him!) Apparently this person was super detailed and was combing his life in a ton of detail. This is the second addiction specialist he has seen.

The conclusion that they seem to come to is that he does not have a "balanced life that is condusive to sobriety". This frustrates me and here is why. They tell him that he needs to relax more and do more for himself. That he needs to do things that are fun for himself. This man does more for himself than the average man that is married and has 2 young kids. He wants to beekeep he starts beekeeping. He hunts, he is a volunteer firefighter, he is a gun enthusiast, he makes maple syrup, etc. He has waaaaay more hobbies than I do. So to hear that one of the solutions to his drinking is "doing more for himself" and "doing more to relax" makes me want to scream.

Also the other thing they are critical about is that we did not do enough to work on our relationship/maintain our relationship. This frustrates me too. Looking back, I think my codie tendencies played a role in this. I am so damaged by this man that I didn't want to go on date nights or be intimate, therefore I never went out of my way to make it happen. It's frustrating that these counselors seem to bring this up as a problem but don't acknowledge the fact of "hey- you drug her through the mud for extended periods of time. Maybe do something nice and don't drink to actually earn this type of event."

Divorce is in process so I should probably just try to move forward and forget about it. I just can't help but hear these things and get frustrated and reflect on what went wrong and why.

Any input?

hopeful4

Boy do I understand this!!! My XAH had a similar experience. Here is what you have to recognize. Their patient is the addict. They are only being fed limited information that the addict chooses to feed them. Therefore, they likely do not have a clear and realistic picture of what is really going on.

I also agree that divorce is in progress, and you have to let it go. If you are divorcing I would say step back and get back on your own side of the street. Don't be involved in his recovery. It's his to choose, or not. No matter how frustrating it may be. Save that energy for YOU.

Hugs.

atalose

Doesn’t sound like you accompanied him to this new therapist, did you?

Call me cynical but it is just too convenient that he needs more “selfish self-centered fun time for himself and that YOU didn’t work hard enough on the marriage.

Sounds like Deja poo to me, you know that feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.

dandylion

batchel.....remember that, unless you have been in the room and heard what he told the counselor (as hopeful4 said) and what the counselor actually said...and, I mean ALL of what the counselor said.....you are getting everything filtered through your husband's understanding and interpretation.....

Another thing....are you absolutely sure that the counselor is a certified specialist? Just because a counselor sees a person that has addiction problems, doesn't mean that they are, necessarily, a specialist in that area.....
I am not trying to be critical of the counselor....just, that, sometimes, the terms that are used, are not accurate.....

I can see where, hearing these kinds of things, out of your husband's mouth, could make you see red.....

OpheliaKatz

Hi Batchel,

I'm responding because this is like what I experienced and it is so hurtful to have someone you love/used to love lie about you like this. And yes, they are lying. Their counselor gets limited information from them, in my case, my addict actually lied about the extent of their drug use and didn't call it an "addiction", and my addict said that his life was difficult because of me: I wasn't affectionate enough, I didn't give him enough sex, I didn't earn enough money... etc. whatever. What he failed to say, and what the counselor did not know, was that I was so depleted from managing my addict's life that I had no energy for the first two things and was barely scraping by with the last one. I still can't believe that he expected those things from me when for him his priority was drugs and he gave ME no affection or (made any conditions possible for) sex and he certainly did not earn money because he had no job. Addicts can be incredibly selfish. My AH was and is like a tornado. Anything in his orbit is eventually destroyed. I've gone no contact and still feel like I've been thrown 30 feet in the air.

Your STBXAH (great that it's soon to be x) doesn't have a balanced life because he's too busy feeling sorry for himself. He's mentally unbalanced. Interesting that he went to a new addiction counselor. Addicts that are not ready to be sober might switch counselors when the previous one was trying to make them responsible for their addiction. My AH (STBX) switched to a different psychologist, a different GP, and stopped seeing his psychiatrist because none of those people were telling him what he wanted to hear (instead of what he should hear). Your addict probably goes to his sessions and says things like: I'm so stressed out... don't do anything I like, I've tried being a volunteer firefighter, I've tried beekeeping, blah, blah, I just feel anxious... what's the point of doing anything for myself when I suck... blah, blah, blah... etc....

The addict is really trying to say, "the only thing that makes me happy is getting drunk/baked/high...etc, because I am a needy person that hates myself, and I'm trying to destroy myself in a way that will make you feel you need to save me, which is why all these other activities, that normal people would find fun, bring me no joy. In short: the drug that I love is my replacement for the proverbial teat, from which I was never able to detach."

On the other hand, a codependent probably sounds like this: I would do something for myself, but Addict needs this... or Addict was doing that, which resulted in some crises, and I can't do anything for myself while Addict is having a crises because I have to manage said crises. I can't try beekeeping, because I need all the money that I would use to buy the bees to pay off Addict's medical bills from his last accident. I can't try being a volunteer firefighter, because Addict won't look after the kids while I'm volunteering. I have to save Addict from the consequences of his last accident. I have to save Addict from the responsibility of parenthood. I know that I should be responsible for myself... but first I'll be responsible for Addict. I'm just not as important as Addict, who has serious, serious problems.

So go ahead and buy some bees and focus on your upcoming divorce. Build a wall around your life and your STBAXH's activities, because whatever he does is just going to hurt you. I'm sorry he's being so infuriating.

(I don't mean that you should literally become a beekeeper.)

OpheliaKatz

Everything dandylion said. Also, bear in mind that if your STBAXH was/is manipulative, he will also be that way in therapy.

Maudcat

Agree with the others, batchel.
Something is fishy.
Addiction counselors, real, certified ones, are well aware of the addicts' manipulations. And counsel accordingly.
I think the new counselor is either not experienced in treating addicts, or your ex is spouting a bunch of BS.
Good thoughts.

LostinLB

I have to agree with what others have been saying. More than likely he switched therapists because the one he was seeing was saying things he didn't like or calling him on his ****. Instead of facing that one that was seeing through him he found another. My ex did the same.

Also I would agree that you are only hearing a very filtered version of what was said in that room. Of course he is probably downplaying his problems and how it affected your relationship, it is very hard, even when wanting to, to be completely truthful about all that happened. So the therapist is getting his version of something and then responding. That response is then being interpreted by him and then delivered to you. I'm sure the therapist said a lot more than what he told you and you are getting the telephone game version of what was being said. I get why you are upset and I would be too, but know you are not getting the full story and neither is the therapist.

I actually see an addiction specialist as well for therapy and it has been so helpful because they really truly understand what the alcoholic/addict is going through when using and when in recovery and how that affects me in my recovery. It has been such a huge help to work through my stuff with someone who truly gets what I am going through and understands the person and disease I am dealing with.

Don't let this warped version of "I need to do for me and you didn't love me enough" get to you. Even in recovery they are still very sick and that is the kind of blaming and being the victim proves it.

honeypig

Deja Poo!!

WAY too funny, atalose!

NYCDoglvr

Since divorce is in the works it's probably better to let his recovery take its course.

viola71

My first thought to your post was maybe our AH go to the same counselor. It actually made me laugh so thanks for that. The only thing keeping me sane is that I have no doubt that my AH hasn't been honest with the counselor, because the one we were seeing together knows everything and he couldn't take it so he had to get his own and btw I can never go so yeah he's lying. It feels so unfair that he gets "permission" from the professional to go and do for himself but in reality the only difference is he found someone to support what he's already doing and he's paying that guy Just keep trudging through the divorce process and hold on to the moments of peace that are coming your way.

AnvilheadII

unless you were in the room during the entire counseling session, you have no idea what was ACTUALLY said. by either party. i wouldn't give it too much merit.....and besides, he's your almost EX so who cares what he and his counselor talk about?

new term for ya: NMP

Not
My
Problem

ukiah77

Wow, unbelievable if the counselor really worded it like that! It's not only counselors who can give terrible advice. Friends and family can sometimes overly reward the RA for "quitting" and downplay the severity of their past drinking. My in-laws have been known to point the finger at me with their comments about their son's 20 yr battle with alcoholism. When he was drunk and chased me around the house, accusing me of cheating of course, I almost called the cops but didn't because the kids were sleeping and I chose to wait for him to pass out instead. I told my in laws, and later they told my RAH that I was being dramatic about threatening to have to call the police. What planet are these people on? And what planet are we on that we put up with it!! Smh. I guess we are fighting a losing battle trying to make sense of anything that has to do with an alcoholic spouse. None of it makes sense, and none of it is fair. All we have control over is what WE are going to do.

maia1234

B,
I would tell him in the future that what the two of them discuss is between them. You would prefer him not to share it with you.

Plain and easy. A lot less stress on his "gas lighting". A's never cease to amaze me with all their lies. Why do you believe him?? Hugs it will be over soon enough.

Sasha1972

He may be filtering whatever the counsellor actually said through his own lens. What he heard may not be what she said (and what he told you may not be what he heard, either). I wouldn't assume that you're getting a straight-up account of what's happening in his sessions.

I agree with the others - if you're divorcing, this is no longer your problem, even though it's infuriating.

OpheliaKatz

By the way, you also do not wish to be in the counseling session with him. I know that you're divorcing, so you won't anyway, but going to counseling with a liar is not fair to the truthful person.

Nata1980

Deja Poo alright......

He is full of it. I learned to tune XAH out when he goes on and on about his recovery and all these wonderful things he does and community gatherings and social activities he attends.

He now lives 300 miles away and sees his son every other weekend. Does not support him financially because I make more. So he does all these things while I am a full time single parent.

Good for him.