Neo28

Hello everyone, I posted in the main alcoholism thread and was thoughtfully recommend to post here as well!I have been an alcoholic for about 15 years and I am now going through day 12 . My drinking was pretty much every night and heavy in any social situation.

Recently my girlfriend broke up with me and I lost my job within the same day. Everything around me just fell apart. My binge drinking became uncontrollable and I accused my ex of things that I would never say sober. I can't believe I acted this way to someone I loved, this was something I never thought I was capable of. She never wants anything to do with me again.

When sober I'm a person who is always very cautious and curtious about others. When I drink the main target is always myself, the drunk will use the things I care about to punish me a hoping of consequences. It's completely the opposite of me and terrifies me how much it has destroyed my life so quickly.

Trying now more then ever to rebuild as I just can't lose everything I've worked for and wanted again. Going to my counselor and looking to start AA. I tried a few days ago but it was very crowded and my anxiety was just far too much.

For the past few days my mind has just been reliving every moment in the past trying to somehow magically fix everything through thought. I know I need to change that. Forgiveness for myself has been difficult. I know I have to learn for once in my life to deal with my emotions be it good or bad. While focusing on the present one day at a time.

PhoenixJ

Neo- welcome. I get the anxiety bit. For meetings- perhaps go early and tell someone you are new and anxious and just want to listen. You may be surprised at how helpful people are. Great about the counselor. One other thing I did was see my doc. I have depression, and am on a med. for it. I need this to keep anxiety down. Keep posting..perhaps join the Class of Sept. 2017 thread. Support to you.

Neo28

Thank you Phoenix, appreciate the comment and welcome. I'll check out the Class of Sept 2017. Reading the posts here has been helping keep my mind focused.

Planning on getting with a Psychiatrist soon, as the depression and anxiety has gotten out of control for me.

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, Neo. Congrats on your almost Day 12.

Drinking turned me into someone I barely recognized. I'm normally considerate & caring - but let alcohol get in my system & anything can happen. I've put myself in danger so many times - behaved in a confrontational way to those I work with & those I love. The only way to be safe was to stop all together. I wish I'd done it decades ago - my life would've been so different. I'm glad you're reclaiming your life.

Regret and remorse serve a purpose for a while. Maybe the reminder of where we've been is ok on a limited basis, but please don't dwell there for long - no need to torture yourself with things you said & did while under the influence. Be kind & patient with yourself, Neo. You're never alone.

tomls

12 days is awesome! Keep it rolling!

Neo28

Thank you for this Hevyn, it's been isolating and exhausting through the past few days with the way my mind has been torturing itself. Been spending far too much focus on the people who will not forgive me, instead of how I am improving myself day by day. That's a big thing I need to focus on, as I can never change them but I can change myself.

SimplyFree

Welcome!