elihoping

I've been sober nearly 5 years and I've been going to al anon intermittently for about a year now. I'm trying to work on my boundaries and I'm struggling with it.

There's another woman in aa who hasnt a lot of sober time and isn't doing the steps. At the moment, she's jumping from guy to guy within the rooms and trying to get advice from me about what to do. I've told her repeatedly that I can't help her with this but I'm not being listened to. I keep having conversations where she talks AT me about her problems and if I attempt to talk, she just talks over me or ignores what I say. Eventually tonight, I cut her off mid-sentence, told her I couldn't talk about this anymore and I had to go. Now I feel terrible about it and that I did it in a rude manner but I couldn't seem to make myself heard.

This is a common theme in friendships for me. Obviously I put out some sort of vibe or behaviour that says this is ok. I had a falling out with another aa person a few months ago because I felt I being used a similar way, I didn't say anything for a long time and when I did, I ended up really hurting her feelings by the way I did it.

I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone has experience of this and if so, how did they change their own behaviour? I don't find it very easy to make friends and I think I often come across as very passive because I'm trying to make people like me. But then I end up in these type of situations because I can only hide my true feelings for so long 🙄

(The reason I'm posting about it here rather than the alcoholic forum is because I think this is a co-depedant/al-anon issue for me)

dandylion

eli.....so, they got their feeling hurt.....so what? Is that the end of the world...? (if so, I would like to hear how)....
When we put up boundaries, where there were, formerly, none....other people will always react....
I am pretty sure that you have to respect other people's boundaries...why shouldn't you have your own boundaries?

I am remembering my father's expression for this sort of thing....
"They can stay mad until they get glad".......

maia1234

El,
Who knows if she even heard you.?!?! that is setting up a boundary for you, you are choosing not to listen. Maybe she will change, but chances she wont. next time she engages and she does it again, walk away again. She will slowly get it. Baby steps.

Maudcat

Hi, eli.
Are you sure it's you? Some people have zero emotional awareness and are not about solutions.
They just want to talk about their issues.
Here's what I would do (just my opinion) the next time I am buttonholed by the woman in early sobriety: I would gently put a hand on her arm, smile, and say, "I'm sorry, honey. I can't help you."
Then go get some coffee from the coffee table and find another place to sit.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Maudcat

The above example is based on the assumption that you are both female.
If you are male, then definitely no touching, and don't call her "honey."
But I would still do all the other.
Peace.

Eauchiche

DUNNO, Maudcat. Here in California, that might work just fine!!!

Eauchiche

Dear Eli
To be amazingly blunt, I found reactions from people all over the place when I decided to quit dealing with their loads of bullchips.

Boundaries are like a door with no outside knob. You open and close it from the inside.

If she comes around again, just smile, nod and walk away.

tomsteve

and not being concerned about how i say what i say is received.
sometimes "NO!" has to have depth and weight to it.

get the point across or continue being a doormat.


now, personally if i had a guy comin up to me that was jumpin from woman to woman and asking me for advise, id have no problem sayin," stop using women to try and fix something a woman cant fix."
or something like that.

doc silkworth summed it up pretty good:
Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight.

hopeful4

It's absolutely ok to have a boundary and understand that some people you just cannot have a relationship with. It does not make you less of a caring person, it just means they are a detriment to your own recovery.

atalose

This sentence stood out to me…..

Being used in what way?

I’ve made it a practice to make acquaintances in al-anon not FRIENDS and I’ve learned the difference. These people are as sick as I am with my thinking and relationship issues. For me I need to make friends outside of the rooms and be around healthy people who are clear thinkers, set healthy boundaries and have healthy self-esteem.

I have a few very close friends, and then I have some good friends, lots of acquaintances and a large mass of people I tolerate.

Congrats on 5 years sober!!!!

hearthealth

Your post didn't say what they were talking about. It sounds like this is their only tool in the shed to talk at someone. Saying something like "What can you do for this yourself." and politely walk away.

thotful

Sometimes we need practice with setting boundaries - consider giving yourself a break for making mistakes. Yeah, when we've spent decades doing things differently and we want to make a change? It will be messy in the beginning - and that's ok. I still look back and feel guilty about not using baby steps with boundaries - I'd go from saying nothing to "that's it! knock it off!" kind of thing.

It's ok to do things wrong. We aren't perfect and it's unreasonable to expect us to be perfect. Appreciate progress that you make.

Something says to me that people that are truly worth it will be patient with you as you try to navigate your boundaries and conduct major self-discovery for yourself.

Personally, I have these new friendships where some of these issues just don't come up - why? these people are introspective, actually paying attention to my responses or they've learned themselves over time what boundaries are about. "hey, do you mind if I pick up your child?" "can your little one have this?" "hey, I'm sorry about not calling for a while"...etc. It's not my job to train people to have manners.

Anyways, my suggestion is to focus on your own recovery and feel more and more completely grounded in who you are - get better at that and you'll feel a lot less guilty when you set boundaries. Plus, you might find some progress where you can set the smaller boundaries sooner and in the moment. It will take some time, though. I had a history of dishonesty (pretend like I agree, avoid disagreement, etc) and would bottle up anger inside -- until it bursts! It is something I actively try to work on. Expressing disagreement, dealing with conflict, accepting someone might not approve, accepting my fear of not being liked, etc. Keep working.

Mango blast

It takes as long as it takes for me to be ready to learn new actions. Alanon is a wonderful training zone for me to learn these actions, such as warmly greeting someone I'm glad to see, or maybe doing the same warm greeting for someone new.... or maybe it's not looking in the direction of my previous sponsor simply to give us both space for walking separate paths, or learning from my HP how to completely ignore people who are unhealthy for me, without animosity or guilt.

There's also the option of finding other meetings. Some have better recovery going on, or even a different mix of people can spur internal recovery in a different way.

Congrats on your sobriety. Ask HP for eyes to see and ears to hear. You'll know, deep inside, where you're being led.