Bombshell

...And I'm still abusing alcohol, and have been for long before I started posting here. I've been reading the forums almost daily these past few years but haven't posted. Nothing has changed so I'm starting to post again.

I have a fear of making a bold statement such as 'I'm posting here now so things will be different this time', 'this is the end of it' etc etc... I've spent the evening reading over my previous posts and blog entries and am cringing about how often I said that and yet, here I am, still in the same place, many years later.

I will be 38 in a couple of months and am drinking 2.5 bottles of wine a few (or more than a few) times a week. I am totally stuck in my life and can't see a way forward without my dear friend alcohol. I literally can't imagine a good life without it. I've read on here that people say things will get better when you're sober but I honestly don't see how they could. I can't imagine life without alcohol.

I have been referred to the Addiction Service on the NHS and am seeing a psychologist once a month but I haven't changed anything really. I show up and talk to him about childhood stuff and it helps but then I drink again that night.

I have a dull heavy kind of sore feeling in my right hand side for a good while now and am scared of what damage I've done to myself but I can't seem to stop. I get about five days - on a good run - and then start again. Most times there's only one or two days between binges; often they're daily.

I feel embarrassed about posting here again but I don't know what else to do. My psychologist suggested trying AA but I'm too scared to go to a meeting. I've looked into meetings and psyched myself up to leave the house and go, but I'm too scared to actually go in.

I like the relaxing, 'don't care, everything's alright' feeling of getting drunk and part of me doesn't want to give that up, despite all the hurt it's causing me - there's still a small but insidious part of me that thinks wine is my friend.

I'm really afraid that I can't actually stop drinking.

I wholeheartedly welcome any advice, insights or tough love that you can give me, dear SR community.

Thanks for reading. And sorry for the long post.
Anna

january161992

i went to a great meeting last night where a husband and wife sober and married >25 years shared their stories ... really great !

the huge majority of people welcomed me to AA when i was new

awuh1

Time to change how you get sober this time. Do something totally different, even if that does not seem like it will be comfortable.

And do someting that has been sucessful for others.

SoulShine8

Thank you.

I could have written your post - in many ways we are so alike. The best thing about getting to be here at SR is that there are no movie stars, just other someones like me and you struggling with things life throws at us. Our common thing, the thing that is like a special language we all know - the one we have learned through hard times.... It's like we are attention deficit and that shiny thing over there in the corner (alcohol, drugs, food) keeps drawing all of our attention, our hearts and souls with its perceived sparkle, its glamour, its power. I wish that I could say something that would make you feel better or to help somehow ...... please don't feel embarrassed - your post made my day.

Thank you.

Stronger2017

Nice to meet you Bombshell 👋 I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. AA sounds like a good plan. There's lots of face to face support there. Also, (forgive me if this is old news) if you call up their main number, they can have someone take you to a meeting if you are nervous about going or whatever (at least that's how it is where I live). I don't really think seeing a therapist once a month is enough for you at the moment. Please don't settle for what you've got right now. You can have so much more😀

Dee74

Welcome back Bombshell

All I could do in the early days was commit to today, then tomorrow then the day after...

if on any day I felt like drinking, I committed to coming here first and posting - not a post and run, but waiting for and working through the replies.

I don;t think thats too scary or onerous to begin with

least

That's the wine talking. That's alcoholic thinking, that you don't want to live without it. I used to feel the same way but I got sober anyway cause I was sick of always being too drunk or too sick to take care of my dogs and cats (or myself).

It took me a few months sober before I could see how good sober life really was. I've been sober almost 8 yrs now and honestly can't understand how I drank so much and so often.

I hope you'll give sober life a good chance. It's worth the effort it takes to attain it.

Hevyn

It's good to see you again, Bombshell.

I understand how you feel about letting go of it. I was the same way at 38. So I kept on drinking because I convinced myself that nothing would ever be fun again. In fact, drinking hadn't been enjoyable for a long time. I kept insisting I could manage it - but each time it was in my system, unexpected things happened. I could never trust myself to do the right thing - I was in danger many times, embarrassed, humiliated. It's no way to live. You'll be avoiding all the misery by stopping now. We're glad you're here.

PhoenixJ

Fear of fear- is much worse than the actual event. Please go to a meeting. Just sit quietly- you just can listen. If asked to share- just say you want to listen. Give it a go. I go - more for human connection, but it helps. It is free. It can make a difference.

zoos

Hi Bombshell-

I understand what you are saying, I am currently only two days sober. I also try to distance myself from alcohol, only to be reeled back in. This message board seems to help (and I mean posting, not simply viewing) but I really feel like going to face-to-face AA meetings might help even more. Like you, however, I have never been to one before. I am also apprehensive about walking into a meeting by myself. I tend to go through the same motions of binging, being sick for days, vowing never to drink again, then binging. Posting here certainly helps, but very possibly won't be the cure-all for most people.

Coldfusion

Five years ago, my wife and I quit drinking and did ninety AA meetings in ninety days. We both feel it gave our sobriety solid foundations. I still go to meetings and read and post here daily, she does not.

It works if you work it!

Dee74

I couldn't imagine it either but then I drank so much I had a clear choice - quit drinking or die.

I thought life would be joyless and pretty much intolerable...but the opposite has been true for me.

The hardest bit is the initial bit...that is hard...it will last for longer than you want it to, but it won't last for ever, and you'll have support here, and other places if you want it, like AA etc.

I needed at least 3 months just to feel good on a consistent basis ..and another three months to really see the benefits of recovery accruing.

6 months might seem long...but it's only 1/14 if the time you've been on SR .

If you can manage seven years of off again on again active addiction, 6 months recovery is way easier

D

Berrybean

Glad you're back here posting.

I too was scared of sobriety - just couldn't imagine what life (or me) would be like without the booze. Thing is, this place and AA gave me hope because I could meet lots of people who had managed to learn how to live without alcohol and actually be happier than before.

It also took me a fair few attepts to get through the doors of AA. In the end it was mking personal contact with an AA responder (all of these are volunteers who themselves are recovering alcoholics in AA). Alternatively, if there is someone who might go along to your first meeting with you, you could try an open meeting with that person. It's never as hard to walk through those doors again. I promise. Why not try calling the hotline today? You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Wishing you all the best for sobriety and recovery.

BB

andyh

have you considered trying online meetings? you would get to hear the message of recovery without having to leave the house. I do SMART online meetings but I presume there must be AA ones too

SaturatedSeize

Thank you for posting!

This statement is something that has brought me to relapse too many times. Part of me feels this way as well. I'm a very anti-social person and it's very difficult for me to meet new people. Alcohol has always been that resource for me. Go to the bar, get drunk, not care, meet women.

I fear a life alone forever without my best "friend."

But then I think about he recent relationship with a great women that I shattered because of my drinking. Then I think of the mother of my child when we were together, 4 years ago, and how my drinking ruined that relationship. Then the relationship prior to that, and how my drinking ruined it.

Alcohol gives me the confidence I need, but the longevity of anything that matters to me, isn't there. I still struggle with wanting that companionship, especially at night, after work, sitting alone in my house.

The struggle is there and you aren't alone in this sentiment. I'm not 100% convinced I can be happy without alcohol, but I'm closer to believing it today then I was a week ago, and especially a month ago.

I hope your struggle gets easier, post here, it's helped me when I'm in my stretches of sobriety.

Pathwaytofree

Anna,

It took courage for you to write this post and to see your situation in an honest light. Good job!

Here's a tough question for you: do you want to go another 7 years still abusing alcohol, posting on SR, but not making any changes, or are you ready to make some changes?

I guarantee you that 99% of us who walked thru that door way threshold into our first AA meeting were scared sh*tless.

You can do this! Use the same courage and honesty that brought you to type the truth here, to go to your first AA meeting. You'll see that to all the other people in the room, we look comfortable, happy, and like it's no big deal being there. But we were all like you at one time. We all thought we couldn't live without alcohol. Whatever you are thinking and experiencing now, every alcoholic likely has thought and experienced, too.

I was one of those who sat in the back of the room and cried for the first 4-6 weeks and didn't talk to anyone lol. I'm a completely different person now. I have come a very long way and owe the program of AA both my recovery and my life.

You can do this! Don't let your mind tell you that you can't.

Bombshell

Thank you all for the replies and for a warm welcome back, I feel very touched.

I appreciate all the advice and will re-read the posts and really think about them. Lots of food for thought.

I didn't know that you could phone AA and have someone meet you, I will look out the hotline number and give them a call (it's 8pm now so prob too late today). I just looked at the site for what meetings were on in my county.

I resolve to post here often and especially when tempted to drink; most of all to feel the support and encouragement here which is just unbelievable!

soberandhonest

Hi Anna:

Thanks for posting. You've got lots of good messages above. I just want to comment on the idea of a good life without alcohol. I, and thousands of others, also believed this to be true, until we learned it wasn't. We, as people, often cling to our perceived limitations to such an extent that the perception becomes far more of a barrier than the actual limitation. This isn't directed at you; it's true for most of us. I didn't think I could ever stop drinking. And then I did. And now I look back and I realize that, while quitting was hard, it wasn't anywhere close to impossible; it just took a rational plan and focused execution. You can do this. Anyone can. I'm not trying to make it sound easy, because it isn't. But don't let your personal perception of the challenge be a bigger roadblock than the actual challenge. Good luck to you!

SimplyFree

Welcome back Anna, all I know is I couldn't get sober alone. Whether, here or at AA....wherever you can connect for sobriety, it takes others to help you out. Be here, read, share, support and be supported.

Delilah1

Welcome back Anna! Wine was my downfall as well. I joined in 2012, I made it 90 days, and then gradually started drinking again, and then was back to a bottle or more of wine each night,

NYE of 2015 I just said enough, I stopped drinking right before midnight, and have been sober since January 1, 2016. The first few days were rough, but reading and posting here helped. I still read and post daily.

You can do this!